Roaring Mouse

After a long day of moving people's homes and managing all sorts of random challenges, I get home, shower, make a coffee attend to some administrative tasks and by 6:00 p.m. vape some weed and get in touch with some of my clients to discuss logistics. 

How to deal with destabilisation when feeling isolated and depressed. An exploration of how violent men cope with traumatic and life altering challenges. 

Do violent thoughts make us violent? Is it okay to intimidate a bully? Are we going against our nature when we renounce violence? 

Last week we had individual meetings.  Best to skip to about 10 minutes in. The audio is shit, but the content great. There's a guy who likes to kill animals. He works ina hospital, night shift. There's a guy who considers himself superior to everyone in terms of intelligence. 

This week I talk about empathy, describing a situation without blame, understanding the social programming which makes us define ourselves thus rating ourselves. I describe a fight I had with Lisa and the aftermath, of using people, questioning whether I ever cared about someone purely. I speak of the true tragedy that Lisa is living.

Discussing the motivation behind smothering someone with a pillow. 

"I cannot help the person that I have harmed," this was Aebner who said this and I understand its truth. 

I talk about the addiciton of violence, the language of condemnation, my resolve to be nice to customer service people, to not use ultimatums, to move away from the language of violence. 

Tonight there are two new participants: Ryan who likes to kill animals for the fun of it and is on Anti-Psychotics. He works in a hosptial as an aide.  Then there is Scott who is unable to take responsibility for his violence as he keeps justifying it by claiming that is wife is not following the rules. Aebner is apparently maing real progress as his wife's family have become aware of the tension in his relationship with his wife and are coming to offer support twice a week. 

I talk about feeling suicidal given the plethora of negative emotions and sense of guilt and shame for my past conduct which have hurt others. I speak of suicide as a just punishment for past ills. Unlike Scott who cites a platitude, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," I believe that there is recognition of it being a solution however permanent and the provision is for temporary problems. What in the case is done when the problem is endemic? 

I completely lose it on my cell phone provider for receiving notifications despit having my phone on "Do Not Disturb". 

I tell them that I am mentally ill and becoming increasingly violent and that they need to find a sollution. 

In this meeting, we have Pierre, the older counselor, Conrad, as usual,  Reuben, the Mexican drummer who beats his wife and talks funny as well as me, of course. 

I discuss what I believe is one of the roots of my violence. I speak of my instruction manual and of wanting to be a man and define myself. Everytime I ask for approval, I am diminishing myself. 

I discuss hardcore ways of dealing with men who are violent as part of my "Fema-Save" campaign.

I talk about wanting to die a hero given I've lived as a monster.