Roaring Mouse

The meeting starts off with Jean-Pierre, or whatever the older guy's name is, saying that he is present at the beginning in a supervisory role and to guide the other two social workers: Conrad and Karl, into becoming excellent councillors. I suggest that Karl emote. I say that he is like a very intercative AI. 

A new member joined us. His name is Ruben, a Mexican with a beard and a (self proclaimed) funny voice. He is an alcoholic and hits his wife mostly when inebriated. 

Tonight, I really delve into the addiciton and pleasure of violence. I feel that Karl is too tame. He is not bringing the guys back to specific moments. I do. I really push these guys. I tap into my violent demons. I let them speak. Karl remarks at the end how impressed he is with my honesty. It is the demon's honesty.

Aebner shares what fucks him up in an argument, a tone, a comment, how he feels disrespected, his face goes dark as he's transported and then he remarks on how the beginning of the fight was so silly that he can laugh about it here during group. I suggest that the true strength comes in being able to find the funny in that moment of anger. He looks at me skeptically. 

All I think is how nice it would be to be the superhero. Rise above. Save everyone. 

But I am the montster they run from. 

There is so much funny material here. I end with a killer joke.  Listen to the end to understand the punchline that is the title of this episode. 

Tonight I am the only person present until Aebner logs on half an hour into the session and moments before I finish with a point. 

It is awkward seeing him. His eyes are red, he appears drunk but it could be the fatigue from doing night shifts. Life is truly harsh for some. 

The stress and pressure make me more susceptible to violence- that is my takeaway for the night. 

Perhaps I will unburden myself from these shakles of consumption and a lifestyle that requires my soul to sustain it. 

Today I talk about avoiding violence.  Violence will never disappear but it can be harnessed. Wielded only by wisdom. 

I am applying Jordan Peterson's 12 stepf of life. Karl, the social worker, knows him. He is quiet and explores. He is like Phil, the therapist, from the other group. 

I share how I have been researching trauma techniques. 

Tim is present and he talks about the persistent violence in his dysfunctional relationship with a hot younger girl. He finds comfort in speaking with her ex. 

He will be doing couple therapy in order to find validation. 

I call up Lisa who's doing a pharmaceutical study (getting paid $5000 non-taxed dollars) and we start chatting about a host of topics which includes but is not limited to: Kyle Rittenhouse, the Aubry murder, radicalisation  in Western culture. We discuss Reality Winners and her four year incarceration for leaking one creased paper she snuck out of the NSA-  same place Edward Snowdon worked.

Lisa tells me Shatner flew into space. We discover that Autistics and Psychopaths  have components of the limbic system (responsible for emotional processes) that are undeveloped. I touch upon Jeff Ross's use of humour to cover his malignant soul. We circle around Daniel Tosh being cancelled  by the culture of comedians. I bring up a point about Systemic racism and how it may not exist as per Larry Elder's beliefs who happens to be a black man. 

This is my first online meeting with this newly formed group. Present are the three social workers: Pierre with 36 years of service, Karl who is perpetually quiet and Conrad the most talkative of the three. 

We are three participants: Me, Tim, a meek, moody musician and Abener, an Ethiopian with intimidating tats. He's lost his five kids due to violence. Tim has thrown dishes and contemplated suicide. 

The value of this recording is that I attempt to formulate a template, a technical manual of sorts so that the participants can identify and then implement the instructions required to bypass the linear escalation of violence. 
 
When I speak, I do so with the intent of giving the participants a specific, concrete thing that they can look for in order to identify the incipient stages of violence. Shallow breathing is a good thing to be aware of as it signals a physiological response to a situation and that it is time to decompress. 

The challenge though is that there is a perception of gaining when engaging in violence. There is empowerment, there is pleasure. There is a cost too. And if we can hold on to our rational minds for that extra second, that might be the difference between a fight where shit was said versus one where someone's dead. 

We are the captains of our own ship, no one else will steer it, especially in turbulent waters. We need to keep it from ship wrecking. 

I speak frankly of what I've done, who I am. What I am aware of, my ignorance.  My thoughts are frank, brutal, violent. I think it's important to not pussy foot around a behaviour that leads to femicide. 

Other influences include, Jordan Peterson, Alain de Botton, Bill Burr, Dave Chappelle, Louis C.K. John Oliver, George Carlin, Norman Macdonald, Joe Rogan,  David Letterman, the  documentary Maiden Voyage, Sweeney Todd.