Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

By The Irish TimesComedy

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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly episodes

October 09 Sorcha’s old dear singing sounds like a fox with its head trapped in a gate
It’s every parent’s worst nightmare. Sorcha goes, “You’re being ridiculous, Ross.” I’m there, “Oh, I’m being ridiculous, am I? My son gives up rugby to play the port of Sam Cormichael in Mamma Mia! and I’m the one being ridiculous!”
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7 min
October 02 ‘So Westlife, huh? We’re all big fans in our gaff, aren’t we, Honor?’
I’m like, “Westlife?” And I say it like that as well. I’m there, “Why are you going to see Westlife? You always said–” Honor goes, “No, I didn’t. I actually like Westlife?” and she’s telling me to – yeah, no – shut the fock up with her eyes.
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7 min
September 25 ‘We’ve been trying to break them up, haven’t we? A year or two in the clink – he won’t wait for her’
The old man tells Hennessy that he has every faith in him. Hennessy’s like, “Wait a minute, what?” Yeah, no, we’re sitting in the District Court in Bray, waiting for Bernie’s case to be called.
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7 min
September 19 Four Feds step into the kitchen. One of them is like, ‘Well, Bernie?’
“So, anyway, I tee’d off,” the old man goes, loving the sound of his own voice, “and of course I managed to slice the bloody-well ball and, well, naturally enough, it ended up in the lake!”
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7 min
September 11 ‘I did the deed with the girlfriend of a very good friend and it’s been bothering my conscience lately’
JP looks well – even though I don’t know what to call him any more? I’m like, “So how are things – I don’t know – Father?” He actually laughs at that? He’s there, “Ross, you don’t have to call me Father.” I’m like, “What do I call you then?” because it’s my first time seeing the dude since he finished his studies to become an actual priest.
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7 min
September 04 At the end of the summer, just like the rest of you, I’m sick of the sight of my children
I think I’m on the record as saying that being a parent is one of those things that I just happen to be very, very good at without having to put any actual effort into it. Even allowing for that, at the end of a long, hot summer, just like the rest of you, I’m absolutely sick of the sight of my children and I’m glad they’re now someone else’s problem until the end of October.
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7 min
September 02 ‘Your father’s playing golf in Doonbeg,’ Hennessy goes. ‘While the cat’s away, the mice will fornicate’
Hennessy is grinning like a dog trying to pass a laundry ball through its urinary tract. Yeah, no, for five days now, me and Bernie from Bray of all places have been – in fairness – texting each other, and the dude is reading through the exchanges, some of which are pretty, it might be a word, explicit?
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7 min
August 21 Charlie is serious about marrying this woman. You haven’t heard the worst of it yet. No prenup
Hennessy actually laughs when he sees me sitting at the bor with a pint of the old Dutch medicine in front of me. He’s like, “What the hell are you doing here?”
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7 min
August 07 ‘Oh my God! Your dad’s new girlfriend has entered the Wicklow Pollock Queen competition!’
Everybody knows about the Dalkey Lobster Festival. It’s coming up in, like, two weeks’ time, and Sorcha is already practising her walk and wave for the Parade of Lobster Queens Past, wearing the sash and crown that she’s held onto ever since her victory in 2008, at the stort of the crash, on a platform of, I want to say, hope?
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7 min
July 31 ‘My son has opened a museum celebrating criminality. I wish people would stop asking if I’m proud’
All of Ronan’s old mates are there. We’re talking Buckets of Blood. We’re talking Stacks of Money. We’re talking Nudger. We’re talking Gull. It’s actually Stacks of Money who sidles up to me as I’m watching Ronan across the room, chatting to Paul Reynolds from RTÉ.
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7 min