Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

By The Irish Times

Comedy

What's Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times about?

Described by George Hook as the greatest Irish player never to make it and described by everyone else who knows him as a shallow, self-obsessed idiot.

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LAST EPISODE

Sixmas is what I call the S...

01.30.2023

I go, “Twas the week before Sixmas, and all through the class, nothing was stirring, not even a mouse!” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times episodes:

01.30.2023 Sixmas is what I call the Six Nations Championship – the most wonderful time of the year I go, “Twas the week before Sixmas, and all through the class, nothing was stirring, not even a mouse!” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
01.20.2023 Would I have to take my top off for any of these jobs? That wouldn’t be an issue for me So – yeah, no – I’m in Cinnamon in Monkstown, getting all excited about Sixmas, which is only, like, two weeks away now. I’m writing out my storting 15 for the match against Wales into the famous Big Book when ...
01.13.2023 If women’s rugby is ever going to be treated seriously, they’ll have to embrace the whole obnoxiousness thing They stagger out onto the pitch in two or three different huddles, their orms folded against the cold of a horrible January morning. I’m there, “Welcome back, ladies! Hope you had a good Christmas!” and they’re all, like, hating on ...
01.06.2023 I silently curse myself for giving St Michael’s College credit that they don’t deserve No less a judge than the great Jerry Flannery once described me as “one of Ireland’s greatest thinkers” – and even though it was in the course of a Charity Roast in the Sin Bin in Limerick, I think his ...
12.23.2022 ‘You put the focking Quality Street, the focking Roses and the focking Celebrations in the same bowl!’ The old dear is drinking a Baileys with her dental plate out and I don’t think I’ll ever have another amorous thought in my life. The old man raises his brandy glass to me and goes, “Merry Christmas, Ross.” Hosted ...
12.16.2022 'I’m having a slash when in walks Santa, and all my Christmases come at once' So I’m standing at the trough in The Queens in Dalkey, having a much-needed slash, when I hear a voice beside me go, “Is that the famous Ross O’Carroll-Kelly I see?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
12.09.2022 It’s the Castlerock College mince pie-eating contest, and Leo is stepping up to the plate The Castlerock College Christmas Fete has always been a massive event in the O’Carroll-Kelly social calendar. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
12.02.2022 ‘I’m not having a Terenure College Christmas tree in the house’ “Corlow?” Sorcha goes – clearly worried about me. “Why on earth do you want to drive all the way Corlow for a Christmas tree when we can buy one three minutes up the road in Terenure College?” Hosted on Acast. ...
11.25.2022 'Honor isn’t for everyone. She takes after her old man in that regord' Hey, as I always say, it’s better to be someone’s shot of tequila than everyone’s cup of tea. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
11.18.2022 The neighbours have visions of the Vico Road turning into Morbella So – yeah, no – I’m in, like, the gorden, throwing the old Gilbert around with Brian, Johnny and Leo, except we can’t complete three passes without one of us dropping the ball and I’m wondering does it have anything ...
11.11.2022 ‘Schoolbooks shmoolbooks ... I didn’t do a tap at school and look at me’ The school concert hall is absolutely rammers and the walls are pretty much vibrating with the sound of people being – as we say on this side of the city – up in orms. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for ...
11.08.2022 ‘Newpork is famous for kids with pierced lips...They don’t even care about rugby’ Anyone who follows the Letters to the Editor page in this newspaper will be aware of my old man’s thoughts on the subject of girls slash women playing rugby. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
10.28.2022 'It’s Halloween week and we’re living in a house that’s, like, haunted – literally' I end up pretty much not sleeping for, like, five nights straight. And I know Honor is exactly the same. I’m there, “Can you just explain to me again what you saw and heard — illegibly.” “There’s no illegibly about ...
10.21.2022 'I’ve been shocked by the change that has come over my daughter since we moved to Terenure' She’s quiet, cranky and liable to explode in a rage at the least provocation. Mind you, she’s been like that since she emerged from her old dear’s womb with her two middle fingers raised to the world. It’s just that ...
10.14.2022 'Already I feel like I’ve created a team in my image – in other words, winners' “Ross O’Carroll-Kelly!” a voice behind me goes. “It is you, isn’t it?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
10.07.2022 'I’m a big believer in overpraising my children. Never did me any horm as a kid' Sorcha is unpacking her collection of Lladro figurines from a cordboard box. She says she’s worried about Honor. I’m like, “Honor? In terms of what specifically?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
09.30.2022 'Honor storts screaming at the top of her lungs. But no one hears her. Because mine are louder' So I’m in, like, Dundrum Town Centre with Honor and we’re racing for the lift slash elevator before the doors close. There’s, like, eight or nine people in there and they all do that thing that I always do when ...
09.23.2022 'Ronan is a – what’s the word – Republican? As in, he’s got the names of the whole crew from 1915 tattooed on his upper orm' Claire from Bray of all places says the miniature Scotch eggs are – oh my God – divine? Sorcha says the secret is to fold some Worcestershire sauce and Tabasco into the pork mince before deep-frying the things in 100 ...
09.16.2022 'The girls are staring at me in just, like, awe – they’re ready to learn from the master' I’m like, “Okay, listen up, everyone,” spinning a rugby ball in my hands and – to be honest? – loving the way my voice sounds right now. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
09.09.2022 ‘Just because I’m a serial liar doesn’t mean that I can’t be trusted’ Lauren — as in, like, my best friend Christian’s wife? — has never been my number one fan. There are many reasons for that. For storters, she wouldn’t be what I would call a rugby person? Hosted on Acast. See ...
09.02.2022 ‘How much would it mean to the girls storting school here to have the legendary Ross O’Carroll-Kelly teaching them rugby?’ It’s, like, the first day of the school year and we’re standing outside the gates of Castlerock College. Although it would be more accurate to say that we’re blocking the gates — yeah, no, in protest at the school’s decision ...
08.26.2022 ‘Sorcha Lalor, you were the best Dalkey Lobster Festival Queen we ever had’ There are – I think we’d all agree? – some great events in the South Dublin social calendar. There’s, like, the Dublin Horse Show. There’s the arrival of Santa Claus in a twin-engine Sikorsky on the roof of Dundrum Town ...
08.19.2022 I’m lying by the pool, doing my daily sit-ups with my top off, when I hear Honor go, ‘Oh, for fock’s sake! Not these two focking clowns! The weather in — yeah, no — Portugal has been so good that Sorcha has been suffering the big-time guilts over the future of what she calls our planet? But on Tuesday everything changed when a severe depression suddenly blew ...
08.13.2022 ‘Pissing in a swimming pool is a bit like farting at Mass. The trick is to squeeze it out quietly’ It’s a cracking day in Quinta do Lago — but then aren’t they all? I’m having my first piña colada of the morning because I drank way too much last night and I’m feeling like dogshit that’s been stepped in ...
08.06.2022 What are the girls in Mount Anville going to say when they find out you’re living in a housing estate? A well-appointed property,” Sorcha goes, reading from the bumf, “set in the hort of one of South Dublin’s most sagacious suburbs. Oh my God, I love that word. It sounds amazing, doesn’t it, Ross? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for ...
07.29.2022 I look fantastic for a man of 42, abs like speed bumps and pecs like bay windows So – yeah, no – I’m in the gym in Riverview, trying to get myself beach body-ready for Quints in the middle of August. Today is orms day and I’m sitting on a Swiss ball in front of a long ...
07.22.2022 ‘No focking way. I’m not breaking into the dude’s office’ The old man has a Cohiba the size of a Wavin pipe wedged between his teeth and I end up having to open the window so I don’t die of smoke inhalation. “The fock are we even doing here?” I ...
07.15.2022 ‘I wonder sometimes are these kids definitely mine’ Ireland are playing the All Blacks but Sorcha has planned a family weekend to Center Parcs. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
07.08.2022 Our daughter is completely devoid of human feeling It’s here — as in, like, the big day? Honor has reached the final of the Joshua Pim Shield and it’s the most excitement Glenageary has seen since Google accidentally called it Glasthule in the course of mapping the area ...
07.01.2022 Noah is graduating from creche. (Who the fock is Noah?) Sorcha asks me if I’m ready and I tell her – yeah, no – I think so? I’ve got my Rugby Tactics Book on the coffee table, twenty-four sticks of Heinemite in the fridge and I’ve aired out my Cantos ...
06.24.2022 Sometimes you have to break the Mount Anville code “Daddy long-legs,” Leo goes, pointing at quite literally nothing. “It’s a focking daddy long-legs.” I’m like, “For the fifteenth time, Leo, it’s not a daddy long-legs. It’s a crack in your glasses from when Johnny hit you across the face ...
06.17.2022 ‘You didn’t think I was going to sit back and watch you allow girls into this school, did you?’ “Ross,” Fionn tries to go, “you can’t keep turning up at the school like this.” And I’m like, “Who says so?” sitting down opposite him and throwing the old Dubey Dubey Doos up on his desk. Hosted on Acast. See ...
06.10.2022 ‘I love Honor’s attitude. Not everyone does, but I’d be a major, major fan’ “Oh my God, that’s her!” Honor goes. Her being Corina Brien, her opponent in the first round of the Joshua Pim Shield in Glenageary Lawn Tennis Club. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
06.04.2022 Sorcha is still serious about knocking gaff and turning it into aportments Sorcha has ordered a skip. Yeah, no, that might not be big news where you live – but on Vico Road, Killiney, it’s, like, massive? Because it’s evidence that you’re up to something. And around here, there’s very little that ...
05.27.2022 "Three triplets and only one can be a mascot for Leinster. Who will it be?" So I’ve brought Brian, Johnny and Leo to Morseille – yeah, no, the one in France – for their very first European Cup final. It’s, like, 24 hours before kick-off – or kick-orse, as I call it – and the ...
05.20.2022 ‘We want to build a block of aportments... affordable ones’ There’s a familiar face in the kitchen, although I’m struggling to put a name to it. “Ross,” Sorcha goes, “you remember Foraoise Farrell, don’t you? Holy Child Killiney?” And that’s when the penny suddenly drops. Yeah, no, I was in ...
05.13.2022 ‘There are millions of people who would give their right orm to live in Killiney’ “What do you think?” Sorcha goes. Yeah, no, she’s trying to choose an outfit for the annual Vico Road and Vico Road-Adjacent Residents’ Association stort-of-summer borbecue and she’s been at it since nine o’clock this morning. Hosted on Acast. See ...
05.06.2022 Women’s toilets? I mean, what’s next? A hockey pitch? So it’s, like, Day Whatever-it-is and my period of isolation is finally over. I’m about to ring the goys to see if anyone fancies hitting The Bridge for a few bank holiday scoops when all of a sudden my phone ...
04.29.2022 ‘My antigen is still positive, but I’ve never felt better’ According to my latest antigen test, I’m still positive, but – the most random thing – I’ve never felt better in my life, either physically or whatever other ways there are. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
04.23.2022 ‘I will never forgive your old pair for treating us to this trip’ "I’m not going to lie to you, I’ve been dreading this week since Christmas. And not dreading it in the same way that you dread, I don’t know, root canal surgery, or an NCT. I mean dreading it like you ...
04.16.2022 ‘You focking idiot, Ross! Chocolate is poisonous to dogs’ Christian’s wife, Lauren, has never been a fan of the Rossmeister General. I don’t mind. I think it was me who first said I’d rather be someone’s shot of tequila than everyone’s cup of tea... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy ...
04.11.2022 ‘Fifteen rooms is a lot to put down.’ ‘Most of them are empty and there’s, like, a homelessness crisis? I’m going to put six rooms’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
04.02.2022 ‘Girls learn differently to boys – and when I say differently, I mean slowly and not as well’ Charles O’Carroll-Kelly goes on Drivetime to talk about Castlerock College going co-ed Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
03.26.2022 ‘A co-educational school has never won the Leinster Schools Senior Cup!’ How can Ross convince the goys that Castlerock should never let in girls? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
03.19.2022 'Do you mean there’s going to be, like, girls going to Castlerock?' Fionn’s changed since he landed the top job at our old alma mater Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
03.12.2022 'It’s off to Budapest for Dr Holger Esterházy’s miracle hair restoration treatment' There’s goys from Michael’s, Belvedere, Gonzaga and Blackrock all mixing with each other like there’s no actual difference between them Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
03.04.2022 ‘You lifted the Leinster Schools Senior Cup – does that mean nothing to you now’ A tap on the shoulder while getting in a quick pint at the bor in Dublin Airport Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
02.25.2022 ‘Fifty grandingtons!’ – that’s the cost of the Budapest hair clinic Fifty grandingtons. That’s what this crowd in, like, Budapest want to share the secret of Dr Holger Esterházy’s hair restoration miracle with me. I tell Winker Raymond – who did the Sportsman Dip course with me in UCD – that ...
02.18.2022 'Just because we have money, we can't keep Killiney all to ourselves' Sorcha is quiet this morning. I honestly haven’t seen her this distracted since she got a girl sacked for plucking her eyebrows in a way that made her face look – her word – quizzical? And she keeps asking the ...
02.11.2022 Rezoning Dalkey for affordable housing? The natives are up in orms Sorcha calls the Emergency General Meeting of the Vico Road and Vico Road-Adjacent Residents’ Association to order. “I realise that there’s a great deal of concern in this room,” she goes – this room being our living room, by the ...

Older episodes

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

What's Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times about?

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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times episodes:

Sixmas is what I call the Six Nations Championship – the most wonderful time of the year

Would I have to take my top off for any of these jobs? That wouldn’t be an issue for me

If women’s rugby is ever going to be treated seriously, they’ll have to embrace the whole obnoxiousness thing

I silently curse myself for giving St Michael’s College credit that they don’t deserve

‘You put the focking Quality Street, the focking Roses and the focking Celebrations in the same bowl!’

'I’m having a slash when in walks Santa, and all my Christmases come at once'

It’s the Castlerock College mince pie-eating contest, and Leo is stepping up to the plate

‘I’m not having a Terenure College Christmas tree in the house’

'Honor isn’t for everyone. She takes after her old man in that regord'

The neighbours have visions of the Vico Road turning into Morbella

‘Schoolbooks shmoolbooks ... I didn’t do a tap at school and look at me’

‘Newpork is famous for kids with pierced lips...They don’t even care about rugby’

'It’s Halloween week and we’re living in a house that’s, like, haunted – literally'

'I’ve been shocked by the change that has come over my daughter since we moved to Terenure'

'Already I feel like I’ve created a team in my image – in other words, winners'

'I’m a big believer in overpraising my children. Never did me any horm as a kid'

'Honor storts screaming at the top of her lungs. But no one hears her. Because mine are louder'

'Ronan is a – what’s the word – Republican? As in, he’s got the names of the whole crew from 1915 tattooed on his upper orm'

'The girls are staring at me in just, like, awe – they’re ready to learn from the master'

‘Just because I’m a serial liar doesn’t mean that I can’t be trusted’

‘How much would it mean to the girls storting school here to have the legendary Ross O’Carroll-Kelly teaching them rugby?’

‘Sorcha Lalor, you were the best Dalkey Lobster Festival Queen we ever had’

I’m lying by the pool, doing my daily sit-ups with my top off, when I hear Honor go, ‘Oh, for fock’s sake! Not these two focking clowns!

‘Pissing in a swimming pool is a bit like farting at Mass. The trick is to squeeze it out quietly’

What are the girls in Mount Anville going to say when they find out you’re living in a housing estate?

I look fantastic for a man of 42, abs like speed bumps and pecs like bay windows

‘No focking way. I’m not breaking into the dude’s office’

‘I wonder sometimes are these kids definitely mine’

Our daughter is completely devoid of human feeling

Noah is graduating from creche. (Who the fock is Noah?)

Sometimes you have to break the Mount Anville code

‘You didn’t think I was going to sit back and watch you allow girls into this school, did you?’

‘I love Honor’s attitude. Not everyone does, but I’d be a major, major fan’

Sorcha is still serious about knocking gaff and turning it into aportments

"Three triplets and only one can be a mascot for Leinster. Who will it be?"

‘We want to build a block of aportments... affordable ones’

‘There are millions of people who would give their right orm to live in Killiney’

Women’s toilets? I mean, what’s next? A hockey pitch?

‘My antigen is still positive, but I’ve never felt better’

‘I will never forgive your old pair for treating us to this trip’

‘You focking idiot, Ross! Chocolate is poisonous to dogs’

‘Fifteen rooms is a lot to put down.’

‘Girls learn differently to boys – and when I say differently, I mean slowly and not as well’

‘A co-educational school has never won the Leinster Schools Senior Cup!’

'Do you mean there’s going to be, like, girls going to Castlerock?'

'It’s off to Budapest for Dr Holger Esterházy’s miracle hair restoration treatment'

‘You lifted the Leinster Schools Senior Cup – does that mean nothing to you now’

‘Fifty grandingtons!’ – that’s the cost of the Budapest hair clinic

'Just because we have money, we can't keep Killiney all to ourselves'

Rezoning Dalkey for affordable housing? The natives are up in orms