Ruwando Podcast

There was a lot of talk about the “Cornell 7” incident.

And I consumed none of it.

But I did get an AI summary.

The events don’t concern me. But the discourse does.

Because the political debate revealed a lot about how little people understand about the darker parts of human nature…

Politics is downstream from Culture. Culture is downstream from Nature.

Regardless of what actually happened at Cornell, it’s a clear example of dissociated sexual instincts.

Within every man and woman are evolutionary programs that determine motivation, arousal, pleasure, emotions when it comes to sex. Many of these things don’t fit the common moral frameworks, so they get suppressed. And when suppressed they act in undesirable ways.

Some call these traits the Dark Masculine and Dark Feminine.

I’m calling them the Raider and the Concubine in reference to their evolutionary roots.

The video above is my in depth breakdown of the male and female sexual darksides.

(I don’t speak directly about the Cornell thing, but use it as an example—I’m too disconnected to catch news cycles anyway.)

Below is the text version (10min read).

Friend Zone and Booty Calls

Before any theory, here’s a modern dating matrix you can probably relate to:

Male sexual instincts put women in two categories:

* Marryable

* Not marryable

Female sexual instincts put men in two categories:

* Fuckable

* Not

Both dichotomies are based on the gender’s scarce resources a la Bateman’s Principle…

Sperm is cheap. Eggs are expensive.

Men guard their hearts because falling in love (and committing money, time, emotional energy) to the wrong woman could ruin him.

Just as women (historically) guarded their wombs because having a weak man’s child meant weak children, which in ancient times meant death.

So deep beneath our conscious judgements are pre-moral “dark” programs for disqualifying the opposite sex from getting our scarce resource.

And to these ruthless “dark” programs, anyone not worthy of our scarce resource becomes a non-person, at least to our sexual instincts.

Meaning, they don’t get our empathy. At least not from our primal unconscious that determines our deepest feelings.

A moral person may still feel sympathy. But our dog brain doesn’t really care.

For most people, even moral people, these impulses are suppressed. They are considered shameful and therefore dissociated from.

it is a fact that one’s unconscious personality components, the anima, animus, and shadow, or one’s inferior functions are always those that the world finds offensive and that are therefore repressed again and again.

~Emma Jung

When something is dissociated, it is falsely detached from the conscious personality.

So it may never show in “normal” social life. But instead finds its expression in alternate environments where social constraints are reduced—Party environments, night clubs, frat houses…

In these environments, dissociated archetypes run unchecked. It’s like letting the caged beast out the backdoor.

It’s inevitable they cause harm, whether or not there is any malicious intent.

The first defense against the bad stuff is understanding our darker natures. And it’s the only way to enjoy the good stuff, too.

The Raider (Dark Masculine)

For a pre-civilization adolescent male in most places and times in history, one of the main ways to make his mark was by raiding other peoples.

Raping and pillaging.

Both involve taking away fertility—that of wombs, and that of the soil.

This means increasing the survival and replication ability of your group at the expense of the other (non-persons).

Defeating of opposing men and taking their women is therefore seen throughout history and mythology.

This is the Dark Masculine’s motivation in a nutshell:

To defeat competition and maximize spreading of genes.

Survival & Replication-maxxing.

Status-seeking.

It’s why men are interested in sports, making money, and objectifying women (at times).

It’s the part of masculinity that is most dangerous; literal sex and violence.

It’s part of the Human Mating Ritual.

Jungian analyst Marie Louise von Franz says this is an important part of male psychological development.

In order to separate from the Mother image, a young man needs to go to a place (literal or figurative) where his mother can’t go.

This means all male spaces where the darker male impulses for sex and violence can breathe.

In von Franz’s eyes, men who skip this phase remain in boy psychology. Their conscious personality may be stunted. Or at the very least, he’ll have a hard time connecting with women.

While their dissociated instincts may come out in extreme pathological forms.

Von Franz said the Madonna-Whore Complex—the inability to feel sex and love for the same woman—is a version of this.

So is a pre-occupation with promiscuity and violence. (Which to modern guys often shows porn and video game addiction.)

Hence men unconsciously seek a “warband” in adolescence—sports teams (viz: “locker room talk”), gangs, college fraternities, or simply a group of “bros” with whom they can let testosterone breathe.

Many ancient cultures had these built in as rites of passage where young men could embrace the darkside in a controlled environment guided by elders. This would also teach him when and how to exercise restraint.

Many modern customs are unconscious attempts at such ritual. (i.e. getting wasted with strippers at a bachelor party.)

Overall, modern culture suppresses the Raider.

Hence the Right/redpill/manosphere focuses on reviving it, often with overcompensation.

And the Left/feminists shame it, which perpetuates the dissociation.

When I coach a man who often ends up in the Friend Zone, we focus on integrating the Dark Masculine impulses.

Once integrated, those impulses can work for him instead of against him.

And not surprisingly, it’s exactly what the Dark Feminine is drawn to…

The Concubine (Dark Feminine)

Say you’re a pre-civilization woman on the receiving end of a warband’s raid.

Your male kin were defeated.

You’ve been taken as captive.

The nice young man to whom you were betrothed was slain in battle.

As distraught as you may be, two things are true:

* You will likely be impregnated by a more powerful man.

* Your best bet for survival & well-being, and that of your offspring, is to get that man to love you.

These two uncomfortable truths are the root of Dark Feminine desires and behavior.

#1 relates to Sexy Son Hypothesis— That female mate selection is determined by traits most likely to lead to a son who not only survives, but also has lots of mating opportunities.

While your dead fiancé may have been a better partner in most ways, he would have given you a nice son who would always be at risk of being snuffed out by a raider.

The raider, for his vices, will give you a raider son who is more likely on the winning side of such exchanges, and therefore will produce more grandchildren.

Relatably, this is why women are attracted to status, even sometimes at the expense of “nicer” qualities.

#2 is the War Bride Effect related to Stockholm Syndrome—falling in love/identifying with a captor.

Or relatably, why a woman can be drawn to man who doesn’t treat her well.

The guy who can make her feel things, even negative things, can trigger this evolutionary program. Even if it’s against her best interests.

I call this aspect of femininity the Concubine, because unlike other aspects such as the Mother (nurturer) and Queen (co-creator), it’s more like the Raider in that it has one primary motive:

To be impregnated by the highest status male.

This motive elicits why young women may throw themselves at rockstars who will never commit (Groupie Effect), Redpill propaganda’s hypergamy, and why a woman who would never let a man talk down to her will go full ratchet at the club to the most explicitly misogynistic hip hop lyrics.

It’s part of the Human Mating Ritual.

It’s also why submissiveness is so deeply correlated with female arousal:

There is an evolutionary program that associates the being taken with high status sperm.

It’s also the core of why unfortunate things like Cornell happen. And why people just don’t get it…

Fawning and the Vicious Cycle

When a woman meets a man she finds him attractive and feels safe around him, her voice will become higher pitched.

Some women will take a more submissive posture.

Most will become more girly and youthful, regardless of her age.

In some cases, it may be intentional (to charm him). But most of the time it’s completely automated. She can’t help it.

It’s part of the Human Mating Ritual.

If she then puts her arm around his biceps as to communicate, “I trust you. Lead me”, and he finds her reasonably cute, he will feel more manly. His voice may even become deeper.

This is an ideal scenario. It has the best chance to lead to the top left quadrant scenario. (He sees her as marryable; She sees him as fuckable.)

Each sexual archetype triggers it’s reciprocal.

Our unconscious programs often activate and get activated by others’ unconscious programs.

In other words, when we embody a certain mode of behavior, it “tells” the other person what mode they should embody to relate with us.

This is why when I coach a guy to embody the Dark Masculine, it keeps him out of the Friend Zone. If he behaves as a sexual being, she will see him as such.

But that doesn’t mean she will want him. Actually being attractive has other components.

Reciprocal triggering can happen even in nonconsensual scenarios. Like, say, a frat house…

the anima and animus mutually constellate each other, since an anima manifestation comes calls forth the animus, and vice versa, produce a vicious circle that is very difficult to break, forming one of the worst complications in the relations between men and women.

~Emma Jung

For women, activation of their dark feminine involves fawning.

The “girliness” comes with less adult decision making. Less verbality. Less ability to even recognize her own boundaries, let alone assert them.

And the more she exhibits these behaviors, the more it will trigger his Dark Masculine/selfish dominance.

And the more he exhibits that, the more likely she is to fawn…hence the cycle, vicious or not.

In a consenting safe space, this can be sexy.

It can lead to the enchanted altered consciousnesses known as subspace and domspace in BDSM.

But it can be activated in a non-consenting space too.

The Right especially misunderstands this when it comes to consent.

Once a woman enters submissive fawning behavior, she activates the behavioral program of the abducted war bride.

She becomes at the mercy of the dominant male, and may not even be able to clearly say no.

This is why in the BDSM world, it’s normal to have clear conversation around boundaries before any physical action—It’s assumed once she’s aroused, she won’t be able to communicate clearly.

Also, it gives her a moment to decide consciously if she trusts the guy enough to enter a space where she will be physically and emotionally vulnerable.

In the regular world, it’s the same thing.

What I want my son and daughter to know

I’d be very upset if either my son or daughter were involved in an incident like that at Cornell.

(Actually if it was my daughter, I’d probably go full Dark Masculine and you wouldn’t find the bodies.)

But without blaming any of the people involved, it was clearly a case of dissociated archetypes—Programs that are an important, though non-empathic, part of our psyches.

I don’t want to be so arrogant as give a blanket prescription for the world. So here’s just what I’d prescribe for the young humans in my care.

(I also think this is what’s best for the world…)

I hope my son will grow up with enough healthy expression of his masculinity that he wouldn’t have to seek the Secondary Father in something as unconscious as a frat house.

He can and should express his Dark Masculine impulses but any one of many places where it’s consensual, fun, and serves the rest of this life and those around him.

I hope my daughter grows up to know that her sexuality is healthy and important.

And it’s also sacred. It’s what creates life.

So she can and should express whatever Dark Feminine impulses in a healthy safe way. But also remember:

In that space, she will be emotionally and physically vulnerable, and unable to act on her best judgement. So she better first vet the guy beforehand. Because once there, it’s too late.

That space brings out the darker parts of men. If she lets herself get categorized as “whore” she will be treated non-empathically. That’s fine and can be fun in a controlled space with a loving partner. Outside of that, it’s almost certainly a bad time.

Either that, or I’ll have to lock her away in a tower till she marries a prince.

I didn’t even know what country I was in...

A couple years ago I got KO'ed and lost my memory for 36 hrs. What I experienced forced me to change my world view.

I recently pondered this again after a summer of soul-searching... and the decision to stop having goals.

Its been an (almost) religious shift from how I orient towards life.

Article version: ruwando.com/podcast/222

Also on ruwando.substack.com

"I don’t know who I am anymore.”

“Who said you need to know who you are?”

My friend Patrick and I had this dialogue four years ago while he was realizing a big transformation.

He was letting go of an identity that wasn’t serving him anymore.

And despite it being a wanted change, it was scary.

Who was he if not all the (mostly undesirable) traits that had become so familiar?

Four years later, I find myself asking the same questions.

My book published last fall.

It took 13 years to complete.

I started writing it around the same time I began working personal development.

Publishing it felt like the completion of a certain identity.

It felt weird.

I actually thought I was depressed for a minute.

But rather, I realized it was the mark of letting go of my past and starting something new…

I listened to a podcast recently about an Amazonian tribe where, at any time, a person could change their name and restart their entire identity.

Anytime someone experienced something they didn’t like, they just changed their name. Any actions of their past had to live in the past.

Seems crazy to us “civilized” folk.

But as absurd as it seems, it’s actually closer to what identity really is…

A total abstraction.

A fiction we use to tie us to a past and project our future.

Sometimes its useful. Sometimes it traps us.

Often both at different times.

This episode is one of my most listened to on Insight Timer.

I gave it a re-listen recently and thought its relevant to share.

References Robert Lifton’s work on brainwashing, some of my clients’ transformations, and more.

I have a backlog of episodes coming out soon. Enjoy and stay tuned.

How she feels around you is a reflection of how you feel inside.

Many men dissociate from their unconscious in order to meet the needs of the relationship and family. And then get confused as to why the wife is less happy the more he sacrifices.

She's picking up on the state of your unconscious. Your Anima.

Ep 219 covered her side of Jung's Quaternity. This episode covers yours--the Anima.

Article version: https://ruwando.substack.com/p/women-are-soul-detectors

Need help with your relationship? Fill this out and I'll get back to you: https://ruwando.com/relationship-fix

Most fatherhood advice sucks. It's often coded for political stock characters.

A few years ago, expecting my daughter, I made a running doc of fatherhood lessons I was picking up while researching for my History Of Man podcast.

A family is a micronation. Therefore, a father is a nationbuilder.

This is Part 1 of a new series.

Article version: https://ruwando.substack.com/p/how-to-patriarch-your-family-a-micronation

(To catch Parts 2-5 make sure you're subscribed)

Are you a married father who could use help thriving in your marriage? Fill out this form and I'll give you my personal feedback:

https://ruwando.com/relationship-fix

My Masculine Archetype Challenge comes with a free 1hr coaching session with me:

https://ruwando.com/archetype

If you often oscillate between opposites:

You’re too hard or too soft.

Overconfident one day. Self-doubting the next.

It may come down to your Father Wound…

In Campbell’s Monomyth, the hero’s journey begins in leaving the Status Quo—the metaphorical home of your father.

The hero (your ego) seeks out a mentor, or Secondary Father, to fill in the gaps of your masculinity left by your upbringing.

This can be seen in the types of men you’re drawn to…

Most men’s personal development stops there.

But that’s not the end of the journey.

Psychologically, it just marks the end of adolescence.

Hence a generation of self-improvement junkies who are still bogged down by internal conflict.

There’s a later stage on the Hero’s Journey that marks the end of this conflict: Atonement to the Father.

Evolutionarily this pegs to adulthood. Becoming father yourself.

I happened to record this episode a year into fatherhood. (2023.)

I’ve learned things since then. I’ll be sharing them next week.

This episode still holds up. It covers:

* The synthesis of your primary vs. secondary fathers in your masculinity

* The Prodigal Son parable deeper meaning

* Making peace with past and dad (if only internally)

New series on fatherhood lessons from history coming next week!

Make sure you’re on the list: https://ruwando.substack.com/

Are you a father who wants to succeed in relationship and business? Message me. I have a new program for married dads.

The 21 Day Masculine Archetype Challenge comes with a free 1hr coaching session with me:

https://ruwando.com/archetype

Each of us have a Master and Slave archetype within us. They represent two opposite ways of evaluating reality, and therefore making decisions. The more you operate from Master Morality, the more true you are being to your nature as a man.

I break down Nietzsche's concept of Nobility here and how it relates to male biology, modern society, and expressing yourself as a man.

This was originally recorded 5 years ago while I was awaiting the birth of my daughter. (I edited out the time-references though.)

Archetype Challenge (comes with a free coaching session with me): ruwando.com/archetype

Text of this post (and my newsletter) ruwando.substack.com(History of Man podcast which I mention in this episode is there too.)

You've been here before: She's upset and talking nonsense.

Every male instinct in you wants to correct her contradictions (and prove YOU are right). It's a trap.

Uncle Carl offers us a better mental model that makes all the nonsense make sense.

Understanding it will help you 1) neutralizing her arguments, 2) handling her unconscious so that future arguments are less necessary.

And be the Happy Genius of Your Household.

Text version: ruwando.substack.com

Btw, if you could some help in your relationship, fill out this form and I'll personally respond with my take:

ruwando.com/relationship-fix

Other stuff:

Anabolic Psyche (hack brain chemistry)

Masculine Archetype Challenge

Your social brain "thinks" that if you are extra hard on yourself it will motivate you to do better.

But the opposite is true: The more you make yourself feel bad, the more you unconsciously do things to justify bad feelings.

Shame kills your mojo more than anything else. Kills performance. Disconnects you from your instincts and "soul."

This episode is on freeing yourself from shame considering:

* Evolutionary basis of this social emotion.

* Why self-shaming backfires. (Transactional Analysis)

* A simple but profound solution from the “Father of modern therapy,” Dr. Carl Rogers.

ruwando.substack.com

Anabolic Psyche course: go.anabolicpsyche.com (see Dopamine Detox add-on)

If you're a married father who needs help in relationship, fill out this form and I'll help you out:

https://ruwando.com/relationship-fix

"Men's Personal Development" wasn't a thing even one generation ago. It became so due to shifts in culture and technology. It also is a lens on the changes in male collective consciousness.

This episode analyzes the 4 recent iterations of men's work--culturally, psychologically, and technologically-- and what it says about where male psychology is headed.

Article version: https://ruwando.substack.com/p/evolution-of-mens-personal-development

Masculine Archetype Challenge: ruwando.com/archetype