This week we are reuniting with old flames while we discuss “all things”! We’re talking how this episode clearly came about because Gillian Anderson wanted to direct a Moby music video, how scared we were by Daniel’s massive man hands, how this is Gillian’s first directing gig because she’s not tall enough to reach the cameras, we make fun of Scully’s disgusting lunch, and track the continuing story of Scully’s old man predilection. We yell at Scully to go hang out at Stonehenge with her boyfriend, track Scully’s multiple Phantom Thread situationships, point out Mulder’s blonde woman energy, and celebrate because the Boo Crew is at least heavily implied to have had relations, which more importantly means Amanda was right. We wonder whether Scully has slept with all her teachers, we get sad because Gillian has been inducted into the boring voiceover cult, and we’re just asking where we can get that “Stonehenge Rocks” hat, because it is amazing.

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This week we are abandoning our partner on a stakeout to eat Eggs Benedict in the suburbs while we discuss “Chimera”! We’re talking Mulder being forced into suburbia yet again, how we simply must bring back psychomanteums, poor Scully abandoned on a crappy stakeout, Phil the Philanderer, and how traumatizing it is to see a bird. We propose Skinner bringing his succubus along to solve this case, wonder whether Mulder slept in a giant bed with this couple, and notice how much women love Mulder for his loser, loser ways. We’re starting this petition now: Get Mulder out of the suburbs!

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This week we are taking a road trip with a man we were pretty sure was our biggest nemesis while we discuss “En Ami”! We’re talking CGB and Scully’s Totally Rad Road Trip Spotify playlist, Mulder’s very necessary flowchart to manage his anxiety when Scully doesn’t answer the phone, CSM becoming very acquainted with Diesel Dana, whether the alien surgery is to remove the part of the brain that recognizes that CSM sucks so bad, and debate whether having to hang out with Ol’ Smokey is in fact the worst thing that has ever happened to Scully. Steep competition. We’re giggling over the episode taking place in Goochland and Milford because we’re 12 years old, Mulder’s freaking out because Scully has been emailing a guy called Cobra who’s probably taller than he is, and we find it very, very interesting that Scully has access to Skinner’s private line. We’re noticing, that’s all. And for the most horrifying revelation of the episode: Does Mulder have the puppy-dog eyes gene because he got it from the Cigarette Smoking Man? Terrifying.

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This week we are making poppets and popcorn and raging against modern medicine while we discuss “Theef”! We’re talking how this regional award is definitely the other woman in this doctor’s marriage, how much we love the cute little dirt men, how much we are sick of California, and how this is a big night for poultices. We propose a haunted award episode, get excited about some adorable voodoo dolls, enjoy Scully pratfalling all over the place, discuss Mulder and Scully’s grandparent situation, and scold Mulder and Scully for disappearing for 15 minutes while the doctor solves the crime for them. And remember: Stinky’s good.

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This week we are entering virtual reality to kick some virtual ass while we discuss “First Person Shooter”. Note the lack of an exclamation mark. We’re ready to be true haters this week. We talk how the term “male gaze” was probably invented to describe this episode, puzzle over the Venn diagram of Euro-goons and cyber trash, advocate for Gillian Anderson getting a big spray bottle for the rest of the crew this time, how this episode wants to be “Basic Instinct” so bad, how unsettling (in a bad way) it is to watch a bunch of grown men salivating over women like this, and how this episode shockingly passes the Bechdel test. We leave room for levity as we clown on Mulder’s little gaming outfit, wonder if Chris Carter was mad at David Duchovny and that’s why the episode is like this, discover they had to shock David Duchovny to put on the suit, and just shake our heads at how out of character everyone is. But the one thing we did learn from this episode that we can all take with us: Scully with a big gun IS feminism. That’s just facts.

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This week we are cruising the streets of Los Angeles in search of a werewolf while we discuss “X-Cops”! We’re talking Deputy Pretzel, Scully needing a giant hoodie and sunglasses to hide from the cameras, whether or not Mulder still has the Mrs. Bigfoot sketch in his wallet, how the glass ceiling is really about people assuming you haven’t seen IT, and adore Steve and Edy, our new favorite characters of all time. We track the Scully family telephone tree as everyone realizes that poor Dana is on TV, whether or not Skinner threw a party to watch this live, the mysterious poltergeist that keeps leaving “Kick me” signs on Mulder’s back, and reassess whether or not Mulder loves attention. You flip this?

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This week we are tying our deep psychological trauma into a neat bow and moving on with our lives while we discuss “Closure”! We’re talking everyone’s need to wrap up the Samantha storyline already, how Harold the psychic has Shawn Spencer energy (derogatory), how Scully really needs a kid leash for Mulder, how much we want to see Scully in Mindhunter, and how the Cigarette Smoking Man definitely has a rotary phone fidget. We completely forget about CSM’s Jesus surgery, theorize that Spender failed to tell Mulder he knew Samantha after one too many bullying incidents, how much CSM wants to be the weird uncle villain (and how he never will be), how sad the Mulder + Samantha reunion is, get excited about our first real double X-File, but honestly spend most of our time talking about David Duchovny’s terrible surfer dude wig. In the immortal words of David Duchovny: Hey Kim, watch this shit.

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This week we are investigating Bad Santas and definitely NOT projecting about our missing sister while we discuss “Sein und Zeit”! We’re talking our need for Skinner to tag along on the Boo Crew’s cases, whether or not the incompetent lawyer is the parents’ third, the exciting (if you’re Chris Carter) appearance of Harsh Realm, and wonder what stage of a relationship agreeing to do an autopsy on your future mother-in-law is. We wish for a bucket seat for the Sku Crew, get excited about Teena’s (last) appearance, get really scared when Mulder asks for some time off for his mental health, and contemplate how scary Skinner would be as a substitute teacher. Also, Skinner’s most questionable line: “This is your basic missionary-style FBI work.” Your what now?!

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This week we are trying to prove to snakes that we are righteous while we discuss “Signs and Wonders”! We’re talking Boring Church vs. Fun Church, Wayne from Letterkenny making an appearance, the disgusting lack of Screaming Guy in the credits, how much we love beloved character actress Beth Grant, how Reverend Enoch really gets the most out of every single vowel, and how Scully is about to take Mulder to Catholic school. We make fun of Mulder’s good boy church clothes, wonder where everyone else in this empty-ass town is, wonder yet again why Mulder hasn’t joined a cult, and shake our heads that Reverend Enoch stole Boyd Crowder’s look. Disgusting.

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This week we are heckling boring street magicians while we discuss “The Amazing Maleeni”! We’re talking how Billy LaBonge could only exist in 2004, how Mulder and Scully are embroiled in their sick, twisted games and pulling the rest of us into it, how Scully demands in her rider that Mulder be the eye candy at the autopsy, their triumphant return to the Craddock Marine Bank, and how troubling it is that they do let an innocent man go to prison in this one! We address the real controversy of the episode that Scully only wore that top hat for 0.2 seconds, how we all at heart want to be in cahoots, and whether or not Vince Gilligan is a mysterious guy. And if there’s one thing you take away from this episode, please remember: Magic is all about misdirection. That is so important.

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