Sean Healy: Tools

Modern relationships are changing and under pressure like never before thanks to all the external demands of our everyday lives, career and social pressures.

The thinking and expectations for people have changed around relationships and it has never been easier than now to leave if it isn't working out.

This episode looks at some key elements for helping us to create stability in our relationships whilst also keeping alive the magic and desire. 

Relationships no matter how suitable require continued work and investment. It can become so easy in the face of all our modern life demands to push our romantic relationship to the back. Do this continually and we really begin to put ourselves on unsteady ground!

I hope this episode provides some important touch points to help support successful relating!

Do I consistently bring my best thinking and most positive self to the business, whilst family and home is where I go to shut down?

Nothing wrong with the home being a place to regenerate, but if all our family sees is our most shut down, preoccupied self it really leaves our relationships vulnerable long term.

It can be so easy to slip into these patterns as a relationship progresses, especially if our family model was something like, dad worked all the time and mum looked after the kids. When dad came home he wasn't to be disturbed and we came to expect very little contribution from him on the family front.

It is amazing to go after a great career or build a dynamic business but if it comes at the consistent neglect of those we claim to be doing it for or who supposedly mean the most to us then some rebalancing might be needed. If not we can lose it all.

Many of us learned a healthy work ethic from our family system. However, what many of us didn't learn was a healthy reward ethic!

Entrepreneurs, businesses owners and anyone working towards success and financial reward, may find that when they get there they are filled with guilt about taking advantage of what they have achieved.

What will my family think? What will my staff think?

Part of adult maturity is being able to see objectively both the strengths and weaknesses of the family system, tribe that we grew up in. Going forward we want to be the kind of people who can model healthy giving without draining ourselves and healthy receiving which isn't followed by a guilt, lack of deserving attack!

When we learn to functionally embrace our success and what comes with it, we give others permission to do the same.

I hope you find the episode helpful!

The ability to become aware of what type of power game others have got you in can be vital to avoid being exploited! 

Power With means that we are working to achieve our goals and desires but not at the expense of others. People playing Power Over however are doing things very differently and are counting on the fact that you won't recognise what they are doing.

Backhanded insults, withholding important information, consistent misunderstandings at your expense are all part of the game for those looking to only advance themselves. 

Learning not to buy into their clever justifications but rather look at the consistent trail of behaviour can really assist you in understanding exactly what you are up against and how to best respond.

Gaslighting, deliberately influencing another's perception of reality for advantage takes many forms.

This is a vast topic with many ways to keep someone in the dark, misinformed, defensive and off balance. Episode 72 looks at some of the strategies that are employed to exploit people. Through understanding and greater recognition, we aren't left as vulnerable to being taken advantage of. Some exploiters have greater elegance and facility than others and can use a number of these tactics together in order to create for themselves the impression they want to foster.

There are individuals who have no issue employing whatever tactics allow them to impression manage, take advantage, misdirect and avoid taking responsibility for poor behaviour.

I hope this episode helps to raise awareness.

It is wonderful to see that in business we are moving more towards embracing emotional intelligence and that the psychological safety of people in the workplace is a key component to more profit.

However, with the move towards more feelings sensitivity, there may be some unexpected downsides. This type of environment could make it easier for covertly aggressive people to avoid detection and promote their win at all costs agendas!

There are individuals who employ any tactic available to keep themselves in a position of advantage over others. They do not have self-esteem issues, little self-doubt and little consideration for what others will think of their behaviour. The idea that people will keep away from conflict unless they absolutely have to doesn't apply here. This episode is inspired by some of the work that is emerging through such people as Dr George Simon author of In Sheep's Clothing, Dr David Schnarch author of Brain Talk and Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie.

A more expanded understanding and approach to fundamentally aggressive people is needed not only for the victim's but for the effective management of the different aggressive types too.

Ever been on the receiving end of a hollow or what you felt was an insincere apology? There is a way to apologise effectively and then there are plenty of ways to deliver an apology that can lead to more disconnection and frustration.

The ability to deliver an apology that works can leave the receiver feeling acknowledged and validated. Who wouldn't want that?

This episode looks at what to do to deliver an apology that works and also what doesn't work. Genuine apologies lead to repair and this leads to us feeling safe in our relationships both in the workplace and at home!

Ever tried to have a conversation with someone where you thought you'd risk showing yourself only to find that you came away feeling frustrated and unacknowledged?

The ability to share effectively in conversation relies on both parties involved. There is the responsibility of the sender and the responsibility of the receiver. This episode looks at the message sender and what we can do to promote deeper, richer connection between ourselves and others.

What are some of the key elements to consider when we want to share with another, things that are important to us and also leave us feeling a little raw. How do we take conversational risks in genuine vulnerability whilst doing the best we can to maximise a good conversational result for both the sender and the receiver?

Having more tools and strategies around effective conversation is just so vital to the ongoing health of both our personal and professional relationships.

Human beings are prone to either over responding or under responding in moments of stress. What this can translate to is our intention to deal with an already stressful situation is actually made worse through our response.

Through self-reflection of the ways in which we can have extreme responses either to acute or chronic stress situations, we will be able to better support self. If we are able to stay in a more moderate space of responsiveness that is more realistic as a response, the solutions can more readily emerge.

Challenging situations will present, so how do we prepare ourselves for more resourceful responses that will allow us to grow in confidence? Through awareness of when we are responding in extremes, we increase our ability to self-correct and get more of what we want.

When we give to get this can often blow up on us and leave us feeling resentful!

What space am I giving from? In relationships be that with a friend, romantic partner or in business, there are times when I have engaged in giving purely because I had an agenda and expectation for myself.

I am going to keep score of what I have done for you and what you have done for me. I am ahead, so now you owe me! This type of approach and conditional giving can weaken relationships rather than strengthen them.

How do we give to others from a place of joy, non-attachment and never at the detriment of ourselves? How do I include myself in a loving way when it comes to giving to others?