Sean Healy: Tools

Depending on what type of Power Dynamic we experienced growing up, certain consequences can arise. If we learned that it was ok to share around the power and control depending perhaps on who was best equipped in the moment to direct, then we might find ourselves very comfortable to move between moments of leading and following.

However, if we experienced fixed positions relative to power and control where one person was always in the "superior position" regardless of competence, expertise or appropriateness then we can come away with mixed messages and feelings about success.

One way in which this can play out is with a mixed set of responses to success. If as a child every time you succeeded, took an authentic position or stood out you were in some way cut down or set back, then you can experience increases in anxiety when you succeed.

What we experienced as a child can create a double bind going forward where we crave success and yet are fearful of it at the same time. This episode explores some of that dynamic and what we can begin to do about it.

Abusive behaviour and mindset in Intimate Relationships is highly complex and certainly not always well understood! The more insight and clarity we have the more effective our interventions can become.

When it comes to romantic relationships, abuse dynamics stem from beliefs, attitudes and thinking patterns that are often underpinned with a sense of justification and entitlement:

‘If you don't submit to my power and control then I am entitled to utilise whatever tactics I deem necessary to make that happen.’

‘No matter what is going on as an abuser, my needs getting met come first! You need to focus on me whenever I want you to focus on me. What you want and need are not as important as what I want and need!’

‘I am entitled to forgiveness, I am entitled to control how you think and behave!’

Of course, the list goes on!

There are a number of foundational elements that make up the abuser mindset and in this episode, we look at the element of entitlement. As I have mentioned before there are a number of exceptional resources in this area. I certainly recommend a look at the work of people like Lundy Bancroft, George Simon, Jerry Wise, Ann Jones and Susan Schechter and there are many more. All these experts bring elements and expertise to areas that help us all move into better relating.

It can unfortunately sometimes be easier to think that if something didn't happen, or isn't happening to my kids directly, they won't be that affected! Witnessing toxic, abusive exchanges between one's parents on a consistent basis can impact children not just at the felt level, but can influence attitudes and beliefs about what an intimate relationship consists of. I may come away thinking that because people love me they get to hurt me! 

When we see a romantic relationship that is heavily tipped in the favour of one person then it can be very confusing. Especially when this obvious one-sided dynamic is consistently denied!

When supporting children to grow into adults that are capable of having happy, healthy, mutually respectful and genuinely loving relationships, what can we do to help? 

Staying open to conversation with our children and noticing what beliefs are held, supportive or otherwise is vital!

The abuse cycle can be confusing as it can consist of periods of relative peace between partners and in the household in general. The calm before the next storm can lull us into a false sense of hope that things may finally be getting better.

Part of skilled abusers keeping us plugged in is the fostering of false hope and keeping us believing if we just try harder, just love them more, just give in to more of their demands it will all change.

This episode looks at the ups and downs of the cycle. It can be very confusing to love someone and be genuinely afraid of them at the same time. A vast array of emotional responses regarding one's partner in these extreme situations can definitely be part of the relational landscape.

Hopefully, this episode helps to point out areas of focus and provide some clarity.

Clarity and education are so important when dealing with challenging people! If we can't understand the behaviours we are looking at, we can make excuses and justifications for poor behaviour.

Does our intimate partner appear to only have entitlement and control issues with us or do the consequences of their belief in their own superiority create issues right across all areas of their life?

Does my partner only appear to lose control when dealing with me but doesn't appear to be overly combative when it comes to dealing with everyone else?

This episode explores some more of the abusive mindset in intimate relationships and seeks to help with a greater understanding of what might actually be going on.

Growing strong healthy and well-esteemed children can be a journey at the best of times! But what happens when we end up having to do this with a partner or ex-partner whom we find tremendously challenging to get along with or who isn't even interested in getting along.

What can we do that would help ensure the best environment we can create within our control to support our kids.

Although each family situation is unique there are some common touchpoints of attention that may help in navigating the way ahead. Good self-support and self-care become vital if we are to be the best support we can to our children. There are a number of other areas too that we can think about going forward. I genuinely hope this episode helps!

Modern relationships are challenging and as we mentioned earlier a good relationship doesn't mean a conflict-free relationship. How we fight is more important over time than what we fight about.

In this episode we continue to look at the resources and focuses that can really help a couple to grow closer even in times of conflict.

There can be multiple areas of challenge and friction for a couple, not to mention differing priorities from time to time. How can we make the path forward as calm and as easy as possible? Avoiding conflict isn't the answer but getting proactive and jointly developing an approach to challenging times could really be advantageous to the relationship!

Healthy relationships aren't conflict-free and require compromise from time to time. When we are choosing to make our romantic relationship a priority then working through differences in personality, preference and culture become necessary.

Differences can become so much more challenging depending on how we approach them. Research indicates that how we fight is far more impactful long term than what we fight about. Couples expert Esther Perel refers to this as fight form.

There are certain aspects of relationships that are solvable and in other areas perhaps it is best to consider how we most effectively work with significant differences over time with willing compromise.

The kind of relationship that we foster with our Inner Critic can foster success or cause us to give up on our dreams. The number of times that my inner critic has convinced me, in one way or another, that I am not presently good enough… or even that the potential in the future of being good enough is slim happens with alarming regularity!

What are some of the ways in which unhealthy inner critic presents and flattens our confidence?

How can we keep on track and continue to work on the things we are wanting to improve without tearing ourself down all the time?

When appropriately integrated the Inner Critic can be of exceptional value.

So you have established the areas of importance to you in your life, and some evidence for how you might like to continue to improve.

This episode looks at a practical daily strategy for achieving that success. How do we manage unplanned interruptions? How do we get back on track? How can we bypass frustration?

In this episode, we address goal setting with built-in secondary and tertiary targets for those days when life decides it has plans for us other than those we set out to achieve.

Little consistent steps in the right direction can over time build into really significant achievements.