In this first episode of ‘Second Opinion’ I give my alternative advice to someone asking for advice from another advice columnist. Here is the original advice.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/mar/12/my-wife-refuses-to-end-affair-she-enjoys-the-sex-what-should-i-do

I chat about the background to newspaper advice columns, and why this one might be so short and what’s happened to advice giving generally in mainstream media.

Here’s the paper I mentioned by Petra https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanpsy/article/PIIS2215-0366(15)00009-7/abstract and here’s her website https://nostartoguideme.com/

This one being so short means that it may not be long enough to be useful (I’m certain that the advice giver would give excellent advice if she were given longer). It being so short also means that it relies on repeating a common sense discourse, or a should story, of how we should be navigating sex and relationships.

Then I give my advice.

There are different kinds of relationship models from strict monogamy all the way to a less hierarchical way of relating that doesn’t just focus on the sexual and/or romantic kind.

You could break up

Why is she telling you?

If it’s just about hurting you and treating you without any consent at all, it’s important for you to recognise that

What boundaries can you put in

How much do you want to know

What can she do for you to make it easier?

What other freedoms might you have? She’s had the freedom to, in what ways might you get that?

Put everything on the table

Use a resource, like my relationship user guide zine

Perhaps doing this will reveal some cracks that might be useful, perhaps there’s something there for you to explore

Also a line of flight.

Let’s say that you decide to stay together and have this perfect relationship even though you aren’t having the sex which you (presumably) would still like to have. How would you know? What difference would it make? If you were able to take this otherwise perfect relationship, how would you, as a team, assemblage, manage this with consent, safety and maximum pleasure?