Secret Habit: Porn Recovery for Christian Men

Looking for lasting freedom from porn? START with one of our 3 options here:

1. Book a Call with our Team to work 1:1 with Coach Shawn: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.ca/call/⁠⁠⁠

2. Enroll in a DIY Mini Course: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.thinkific.com/⁠⁠⁠

3. Grab Our Free 90 Day Porn Withdrawal Guide: ⁠⁠⁠https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SIG3jTjSAtEtsqxqHDI8fNG7m9L8mAv5/view?usp=sharing⁠

There seems to be an ever-growing problem in the church where men and women are not getting the help that they need... Whether its help for porn addiction, betrayal trauma, or other sexual struggles, the lack of help is tragic.

We have seen stats showing us show us that roughly 70% of men, 56% of pastors and 15% of women watch porn regularly and see it as a struggle in their lives. These are huge numbers! They show us that there is a huge problem not being dealt with and that the help being offered is either non-existent or unhelpful! The reality is, in North America, only 7% of churches offer a recovery program to help with porn addiction... This means that there is silence and lack in an area with such a high number of sufferers. This then robs the church of vulnerability and safety which are 2 elements that are vital to overcoming addiction

We share all of this because we want to help fill the gap! We see the gifts God has blessed everyone with - Pastors are teachers and shepherds of the word and for us, we are gifted in teaching and coaching on the topic of sexual addiction and freedom from pornography. Its not wise for us to ask someone who is gifted in one area to try and help in an area of weakness... it just doesn't make sense! This is why we want to help churches utilize systems like Secret Habit... so they can focus on their gifts and we can focus on ours. (See 1 Corinthians 12 to see how this is to be lived out)

This is how the church becomes healthy... this is how the church becomes a hospital... this is how pastors thrive in their giftings... this is how church members feel seen, heard and connected!

Part of the issue with all of this is that the church has been indoctrinated by the "purity culture" movement... A focus on avoidance, prohibition and annihilation has become the norm for pastors and how they educate on dealing with sin. This does not work!! Clearly, by the stats and the health of our church, we need to take a different approach

In this episode, we unpack all of this with a posture to help the church, fill the gaps and ensure the flock is healthy and cared for. 

Looking for lasting freedom from porn? START with one of our 3 options here:

1. Book a Call with our Team to work 1:1 with Coach Shawn: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.ca/call/⁠⁠⁠

2. Enroll in a DIY Mini Course: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.thinkific.com/⁠⁠⁠

3. Grab Our Free 90 Day Porn Withdrawal Guide: ⁠⁠⁠https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SIG3jTjSAtEtsqxqHDI8fNG7m9L8mAv5/view?usp=sharing⁠

People/Authors mentioned in this episode:

Jay Stringer: Unwanted

Julie Slattery: Authentic Intimacy and Sexual Discipleship

Sheila Gregoire: The Great Sex Rescue

Looking for lasting freedom from porn? START with one of our 3 options here:

1. Book a Call with our Team to work 1:1 with Coach Shawn: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.ca/call/⁠⁠⁠

2. Enroll in a DIY Mini Course: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.thinkific.com/⁠⁠⁠

3. Grab Our Free 90 Day Porn Withdrawal Guide: ⁠⁠⁠https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SIG3jTjSAtEtsqxqHDI8fNG7m9L8mAv5/view?usp=sharing⁠

We get this question all the time! What's the difference between coaches, counsellors, therapists and pastoral support?

We believe there are definitely some differences, but even more importantly, we want to share about the gaps that we see in the most recommended sources of help.

We have had way too many people tell us that therapy made things worse for them or that their counsellor didn't understand their struggle with porn or betray trauma. This is tragic! We are not claiming to know everything here, but we sure do believe that an addiction to porn or a struggle with betrayal trauma requires focused help and support... and we want to help you understand what to look for if you're searching for someone to help you in your struggle.

In this episode, you will learn about:

- The differences between general and focused support

- coaching in comparison to therapy

- Common educational gaps we see in therapy when it comes to sexual addiction

- why we believe general therapy misses the mark in this specific struggle

- the truth about many professionals own struggle with pornography

- harmful resources that have been educating our professionals on lust management and purity culture

- how you can make the best choice for your specific situation

We are all for you getting the BEST help for your struggle. We hope our insight can help steer towards making the right choice

We are both coaches and have a deep passion for the arena of coaching. This does not mean that we don't love therapists too! We are all for them and respect them greatly. However, we believe focused therapy is best when dealing with an addiction to porn, betrayal trauma or other unwanted sexual behaviours.

Looking for lasting freedom from porn? START with one of our 3 options here:

1. Book a Call with our Team to work 1:1 with Coach Shawn: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.ca/call/⁠⁠⁠

2. Enroll in a DIY Mini Course: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.thinkific.com/⁠⁠⁠

3. Grab Our Free 90 Day Porn Withdrawal Guide: ⁠⁠⁠https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SIG3jTjSAtEtsqxqHDI8fNG7m9L8mAv5/view?usp=sharing⁠

Mentions in this episode:

Jay Stringer - Unwanted (Book)

Adam Young - the place we find ourselves (podcast)

Looking for lasting freedom from porn? START with one of our 3 options here:

1. Book a Call with our Team to work 1:1 with Coach Shawn: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.ca/call/⁠⁠⁠

2. Enroll in a DIY Mini Course: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.thinkific.com/⁠⁠⁠

3. Grab Our Free 90 Day Porn Withdrawal Guide: ⁠⁠⁠https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SIG3jTjSAtEtsqxqHDI8fNG7m9L8mAv5/view?usp=sharing⁠

Mental Toughness is essential when you're in recovery for porn addiction. However, there is a secret weapon that runs behind the scenes that MUST partner with it... This secret weapon is compassion.

Compassion is driven by love, and in Christ, we know that love covers a multitude of sins and draws us to make major changes in our lives. This must be the foundation of our mental toughness if we want to work in a way that actually produces fruit. However, compassion on its own can easily become enabling... and when this happens, the standard is often lowered... "Enabling happens when we use our challenges as an excuse to let go of the standard".

Mental Toughness on the other hand, is all about having a standard, working to hit your goals and persevering when the going gets tough. However, when mental toughness happens without compassion, it can be driven by proving, white-knuckling and become nothing more than behaviour modification. When this happens we rely more on our works than the inside-out change that produces the fruit we need to truly quit porn.

In this episode, Shawn and Helena share how you can begin to partner compassion and mental toughness in your recovery, why one without the other doesn't work and what you can begin doing to enhance your recovery with this powerful combo! They talk about creating rhythms in your life, knowing your story, and following values that keep you on track 

We really want this concept to be an example of what it looks like to combine grace + truth. The sort of example we see in our saviour Jesus Christ. The power of love and strength together creates results that are unimaginable... may you experience them as we have in our own lives.

Looking for lasting freedom from porn? START with one of our 3 options here:

1. Book a Call with our Team to work 1:1 with Coach Shawn: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.ca/call/⁠⁠⁠

2. Enroll in a DIY Mini Course: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.thinkific.com/⁠⁠⁠

3. Grab Our Free 90 Day Porn Withdrawal Guide: ⁠⁠⁠https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SIG3jTjSAtEtsqxqHDI8fNG7m9L8mAv5/view?usp=sharing⁠

Boundaries are a vital part of a healthy relationship. Sadly, they're often confusing and misunderstood... Causing a lot of heartache and distress. In this episode, Helena and Shawn offer a rich teaching to educate you on how to set, prepare and share your boundaries in a way that actually helps your situation!

This is for everyone to learn... For the women going through betrayal trauma... even for the man addicted to porn. We all need to learn to set and hold boundaries in a way that is helpful to the relationship.

Shawn gets the question literally weekly - "How do I tell my wife about my re-lapse? When do I tell her about it? and What should I tell her?" This episode will surely answer your question!

Helena's reading and teachings are from her video on setting boundaries and the 24-hour policy in her Beneath The Skin Betrayal Trauma Recovery program. She also shares an incredible story of when she set a boundary that altered the very fabric of her life... the vision she casted and the boundary she set that actually propelled Shawn to quitting porn! You don't want to miss this amazing story.

Here is what we cover in the episode:

- What boundaries ARE: Defining limits, creating healthy responses to actions/decisions/violations, adding layers of protection from repeated harm, rebuilding trust, and benefiting both parties.

- What boundaries ARE NOT: Punishment, coercion, avoidance of pain, emotional disconnection

- How to set personal boundaries and relational boundaries

- Enforcing Negative and Positive "Natural" Consequences 

- 5 steps to setting, preparing, sharing and enforcing your boundaries

-  The 24 hour "Tell Policy"

Resources Mentioned in the episode:

1. Secret Habit Pornography Recovery Accelerator: The All in One program for Christian men who want to find lasting freedom from porn

2. Beneath The Skin: Betrayal Trauma Video Program

3. 5 Years FREE FROM PORN post on Instagram

4. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life: by Henry Cloud  & John Townsend 

Looking for lasting freedom from porn? START with one of our 3 options here:

1. Book a Call with our Team to work 1:1 with Coach Shawn: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.ca/call/⁠⁠⁠

2. Enroll in a DIY Mini Course: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.thinkific.com/⁠⁠⁠

3. Grab Our Free 90 Day Porn Withdrawal Guide: ⁠⁠⁠https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SIG3jTjSAtEtsqxqHDI8fNG7m9L8mAv5/view?usp=sharing⁠

"The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it's connection". This powerful quote brings us to our topic today, where I am discussing what it looks like to do accountability in a way that is truly helpful to your recovery from porn addiction or other unwanted sexual behaviours. So many times, I see people with good intentions get themselves into accountability groups or relationships that are just not helpful... 

I want to shake things up today and help you see why partnering safety + discomfort is the best way to do accountability. Safety is crucial to recovery, that's a given! You must feel safe with a few key people in your life you can go to them with your struggles, temptations, relapses, etc. The kicker here is that these people should also create an environment for you that is uncomfortable... Not that they aren't loving, encouraging, and gracious, but they must also be challenging and direct for you to actually grow and change your ways.

Safety = being seen and loved no matter what: They will be there for you as if they were Jesus with skin on

Discomfort = Creating a growth environment: They will call out your blind spots, hold you accountable and keep a standard

We all have many relationships in our lives. Its good to have a variety of them too! We all need to have friends who we play sports with, co workers who we gel with, family members who we can just vent to... But in all of this, we must have allies, friends, mentors, and coaches who are willing to be the helping hands to our growth week in and week out.

It will be your job to invite these people into your story... It's your job to seek out people who are safe and ask them to walk with you, to help you, to guide you. Its your job to let go of assumptions, lies and shame so you can see clearly and realize you 100% have a handful of people if your life you could have a safe + growth-focused relationship with.

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Looking for lasting freedom from porn? START with one of our 3 options here:

1. Book a Call with our Team to work 1:1 with Coach Shawn: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.ca/call/⁠⁠⁠

2. Enroll in a DIY Mini Course: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.thinkific.com/⁠⁠⁠

3. Grab Our Free 90 Day Porn Withdrawal Guide: ⁠⁠⁠https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SIG3jTjSAtEtsqxqHDI8fNG7m9L8mAv5/view?usp=sharing⁠

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Resource mentioned:

Family Life Canada Marriage Mentoring Program

Looking for lasting freedom from porn? START with one of our 3 options here:

1. Book a Call with our Team to work 1:1 with Coach Shawn: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.ca/call/⁠⁠⁠

2. Enroll in a DIY Mini Course: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.thinkific.com/⁠⁠⁠

3. Grab Our Free 90 Day Porn Withdrawal Guide: ⁠⁠⁠https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SIG3jTjSAtEtsqxqHDI8fNG7m9L8mAv5/view?usp=sharing⁠

Confession and Repentance are often seen as "dirty" words. As in, "If I have to confess and repent, I must be a real failure"... or "I only need to do it when I make a really bad mistake". I hear this all the time... Christians struggling with the concept of when to do it, how to do it and even, why to do it? That's why we want to dig into this topic today and help you see just how beautiful and just how routine confession and repentance are supposed to be in a Christians daily life.

Looking at scripture, we see that the Lord is so gracious when we come to Him humbly with our sin. This is groundbreaking!! The reality is, we all sin all the time... This may be a thought, a decision, a word spoken or an action... we can sin in so many ways. God is all about redemption, and in your sin, He wants to restore you through His love, but how can this happen if you do not practice confession and repentance? That's the big question!

In this episode, we dive into a few practical steps to help you begin practicing this wonderful discipline that we see as an opportunity and invitation from God to experience His deep love.

1. How to REVEAL your sin by confessing it

2. How to SEAL your sin by repenting of it

3. How to confess and repent

4. Who to confess and repent to

5. When to confess and repent

We want to help you experience Gods love! He is not in the business of shame and he's most definitely not in the business of you working for His love.

Romans 2:4 says that its the love of God that draws us to repentance.

James 5:16 says to confess your sin to one another and pray for one another so that you may be (spiritually) healed 

Its amazing how we can draw so much from these 2 scriptures:

- Gods loves us in our worst and wants us to come to him

- Gods love is supposed to change the way we live (Not our good intentions)

- We are to confess our sins to God and to another person

- We are to pray over our sins with another person so we can be spiritually healed

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Looking for lasting freedom from porn? START with one of our 3 options here:

1. Book a Call with our Team to work 1:1 with Coach Shawn: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.ca/call/⁠⁠⁠

2. Enroll in a DIY Mini Course: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.thinkific.com/⁠⁠⁠

3. Grab Our Free 90 Day Porn Withdrawal Guide: ⁠⁠⁠https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SIG3jTjSAtEtsqxqHDI8fNG7m9L8mAv5/view?usp=sharing⁠

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Resources mentioned:

Grace Based Recovery by Jonathan Daugherty

Restoring The Foundation Ministry

Looking for lasting freedom from porn? START with one of our 3 options here:

1. Book a Call with our Team to work 1:1 with Coach Shawn: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.ca/call/⁠⁠⁠

2. Enroll in a DIY Mini Course: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.thinkific.com/⁠⁠⁠

3. Grab Our Free 90 Day Porn Withdrawal Guide: ⁠⁠⁠https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SIG3jTjSAtEtsqxqHDI8fNG7m9L8mAv5/view?usp=sharing⁠

Statistics are showing that there is a 47 point orgasm gap between men and women... which means that 48% of women do not orgasm at the same rate as a man does (95%). Even further, stats show that between 10% and 25% of sexually active women have never orgasmed! Sadly, this is creating major voids in sexual satisfaction and takes a toll on so many relationships. 

The influence of porn has much to do with the problems we're seeing today. Porn offers poor "sex education" and teaches men that sex is a "one size fits all" and that faster and harder are better... It teaches men that orgasm is inevitable, rather than something you need to work towards together. For women, they're actually expected to like "pornified sex" and simply deal with the fact that their husband doesn't actually know how to pleasure them correctly. On an even deeper level, porn and also masturbation cause problems on a brain level that often go unnoticed: Desensitization and tolerance are 2 issues of chemical imbalance that are causing men and women to struggle to experience pleasure and ultimately, reach climax/orgasm. 

Because of what we have experienced, we want to share the hope that is available to you... that you can reclaim a beautiful and satisfying sex life that is selfless, serving and consistent in orgasm! To do this, we want to talk further about

- Exploring the biology of the body, the vagina and the clitoris

- Shifting our thoughts and mindset towards sex

- Blessing our bodies

- Being vulnerable with one another with love 

Looking for lasting freedom from porn? START with one of our 3 options here:

1. Book a Call with our Team to work 1:1 with Coach Shawn: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.ca/call/⁠⁠⁠

2. Enroll in a DIY Mini Course: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.thinkific.com/⁠⁠⁠

3. Grab Our Free 90 Day Porn Withdrawal Guide: ⁠⁠⁠https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SIG3jTjSAtEtsqxqHDI8fNG7m9L8mAv5/view?usp=sharing⁠

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Book Mentioned: The Grea Sex Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire

Looking for lasting freedom from porn? START with one of our 3 options here:

1. Book a Call with our Team to work 1:1 with Coach Shawn: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.ca/call/⁠⁠⁠

2. Enroll in a DIY Mini Course: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.thinkific.com/⁠⁠⁠

3. Grab Our Free 90 Day Porn Withdrawal Guide: ⁠⁠⁠https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SIG3jTjSAtEtsqxqHDI8fNG7m9L8mAv5/view?usp=sharing⁠

When life throws us a curveball, how do we handle it? Do we fall into entitlement, selfishness and anger, or do we move through it with openness, humility and trust? these times challenge the best of us and today, we want to unpack what we often see happen in relationships that go through sickness or injury together.

Because marriage is about loving in sickness and in health, we want to help you navigate these tough times with the right heart and mind so your marriage can thrive through the ups and downs. We believe this is critical to a thriving life of intimacy and sex in your marriage.

Shawn and Helena are walking through a season where this tension is part of their day-to-day life and they want to share some of the things they have found and learned as they navigate the challenges together.

The purpose of this episode is to open up space for a conversation. We want you to begin moving together in these seasons rather than growing apart. We know how easy it is to move apart, play the victim and fall into the blame game so we want to offer some really basic insights to help you out:

- Learn how to shift your mindset toward humility and trust

- Begin living with a "seasons" attitude and outlook

- Change what you allow to grow in your life through fixation

- Become obedient to God and His mysterious plans through surrender

Check out Episode 21 to learn more about "shame language" and Episode 11 to learn about the Sexual Template 

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Looking for lasting freedom from porn? START with one of our 3 options here:

1. Book a Call with our Team to work 1:1 with Coach Shawn: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.ca/call/⁠⁠⁠

2. Enroll in a DIY Mini Course: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.thinkific.com/⁠⁠⁠

3. Grab Our Free 90 Day Porn Withdrawal Guide: ⁠⁠⁠https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SIG3jTjSAtEtsqxqHDI8fNG7m9L8mAv5/view?usp=sharing⁠

Looking for lasting freedom from porn? START with one of our 3 options here:

1. Book a Call with our Team to work 1:1 with Coach Shawn: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.ca/call/⁠⁠⁠

2. Enroll in a DIY Mini Course: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.thinkific.com/⁠⁠⁠

3. Grab Our Free 90 Day Porn Withdrawal Guide: ⁠⁠⁠https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SIG3jTjSAtEtsqxqHDI8fNG7m9L8mAv5/view?usp=sharing⁠

Inspired by a recent situation in their own lives, Shawn and Helena share openly about how respect and trust are crucial to gain and nurture, but so easily lost and broken. 

We believe that trust is earned and developed through following through, taking ownership and living authentically. We break down these 3 concepts in this podcast one by one to help you get on the right track.

Learn what it means to be integrous - doing what you said you would do; learn how to truly commit to something that matters; learn what it means to grow in self-awareness; learn how to handle conflict and confront your spouse when things are not right; learn to become completely honest and open; and learn how to become consistent living one day at a time

We end on the note of talking about Proverbs 9:10, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom" and how we're to fear God in a way that leads us to healthy decisions and follow through

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Looking for lasting freedom from porn? START with one of our 3 options here:

1. Book a Call with our Team to work 1:1 with Coach Shawn: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.ca/call/⁠⁠⁠

2. Enroll in a DIY Mini Course: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.thinkific.com/⁠⁠⁠

3. Grab Our Free 90 Day Porn Withdrawal Guide: ⁠⁠⁠https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SIG3jTjSAtEtsqxqHDI8fNG7m9L8mAv5/view?usp=sharing⁠

Looking for lasting freedom from porn? START with one of our 3 options here:

1. Book a Call with our Team to work 1:1 with Coach Shawn: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.ca/call/⁠⁠⁠

2. Enroll in a DIY Mini Course: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.thinkific.com/⁠⁠⁠

3. Grab Our Free 90 Day Porn Withdrawal Guide: ⁠⁠⁠https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SIG3jTjSAtEtsqxqHDI8fNG7m9L8mAv5/view?usp=sharing⁠

Intimacy and sex both take 2 things: energy and time... These are 2 things too many couples do not have enough of. But here's the thing, It's not that you don't have time or energy, it's more likely that you aren't using your time and energy to your advantage. Today, we want to help you with 3 simple tips to prioritize your sex life.

Shawn and Helena share openly and honestly about what they have learned over their 5 years of marriage and 3 years of coaching other men and women. These tips are simple and easy to apply if you want the outcome bad enough... how bad do you want a thriving and healthy sex life? How bad do you want to feel connected to your spouse? These questions matter so much and we hope to help you with them.

Learn how to say no and make "couple time", how to serve your spouses "best" and what it means to create space for intimacy, not just sex.

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Looking for lasting freedom from porn? START with one of our 3 options here:

1. Book a Call with our Team to work 1:1 with Coach Shawn: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.ca/call/⁠⁠⁠

2. Enroll in a DIY Mini Course: ⁠⁠⁠https://secrethabit.thinkific.com/⁠⁠⁠

3. Grab Our Free 90 Day Porn Withdrawal Guide: ⁠⁠⁠https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SIG3jTjSAtEtsqxqHDI8fNG7m9L8mAv5/view?usp=sharing⁠

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Book Mention: The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman