I am so tired of explaining myself- the tape goes in the drawer and the light has to be off when you're yelling at my son and the plumber is on the way!

Let's get one thing straight- you can't spell Octopus without CTO. Chief Technology Officer. Of the Sea.

Gotta get up to get down and gotta get down to eat ass.

Bring out your dead, bring out your fun. Sometimes cleanliness is harder than filth.

Sometimes you eat ice cream too late at night and you really feel it the next morning. Really ruins your afternoon. I'm gonna do it.

Beans don't make farts, I make farts. And I'm all out of beans.

Had a little mini meltdown. I'm fine.

Eventually my body will stop hurting, but it won't be today.

Sure, birds can fly- but can they dig? No! At least, I don't think so. You know what, if a bird can fly and dig, it's probably not friendly. Trust no one. Fear everything.

Crumbs in the couch, crumbs in my shirt, call me a damn crumb cake (if you dare).