Segment City

“Capri Sun is proud to announce some new products! We have some new flavors including watermelon, mango, and… Human blood? Is this right? It’s flavored like human blood? It IS human blood? I have no idea how we are going to sell this to middle America. Undead America is going to love it though.” This week on the podcast, Theo and Will talk about how Covid is affecting the porn industry (and other major industries), if we would have our hands and feet switch one day a week for a million dollars, a new Tik Tok trend(?) in which teens pretend to be Holocaust victims going to heaven, the story of Gustaf Hakansson the “Steel Grandpa” and his unofficial victory in a cross country bike race across Sweden, and Will and Theo do a dramatic reading of chapters 3-5 of the most infamous fanfiction ever created: “My Immortal”! Ebony and Draco go to a Good Charlotte concert, put things in things, and get swore at by Dumbledore.

Being the Emperor of the United States is a tough job. No one listens to your nonsensical, Congress just refuses to disband, and keeping up with the latest imperial fashions is tiring! But somehow Emperor Norton made it work and didn’t even make a buck off of it! This week on the podcast, the boys talk about the Dental Mafia, whether changing trends in movies, TV, games, etc. is a sign that we are getting better and creating better art or if it is just changing tastes, Theo ponders what the etiquette around handicap stalls should be, Will describes some weird crime articles including a man attempting to resell stolen electronics to the store owner he stole from, a 5 year old stealing a car to buy a Lambourgini, and a crazy woman leaving Easter eggs in people’s mailboxes with candy, toilet paper, religious writings, and porn in them. The boys then delve deep into AI Dungeon to lead Dingle the peasant as he fails upward into the seat of the Eleven King and Squaren the Squire following the cowardly Sir Theo who flips off peasants and pays dearly for it, and Will recounts the tale of Joshua Norton aka the Emperor of the United States who became a local spectacle in 1800s San Francisco.

It takes a lot to be the most infamous fanfiction of all time. You need the perfect combination of 2000’s teen fashion, poor spelling, and an insane plot to get such a high honor. This week on the podcast, Will interrogates Theo on what kind of nerd he is and his higher standards for friends, Theo asks if Will would follow up every toast with a toast of his own for a million dollars, Will reads an insane recipe blog that descends into a chasm of religious zealotry, Hallmark card sentiment, and disgusting dehydrated foods, Theo goes over some of the most interesting spirits from “Yo-Kai Watch” including an umbrella that may or may not lick you, wandering sandals with arms and legs, vampiric trees, Datsuba who an old woman that bullies people at the Sansu river in the Underworld, Tanuki who use their massive balls for a variety of fun activities and many more! Also this week, Will and Theo begin to read the most infamous fanfiction ever made: “My Immortal” staring Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way and her time as a vampire goth in Hogwarts.

Some would say he was the strongest boy because of the low gravity, but that won’t stop him from being the strongest boy on the moon. Do you think one day we will have child astronauts? This week on the podcast, the boys talk about gaslighting our significant others, some of their worst interviews they have ever been on, Theo asks “What does this rap lyric mean?” about “Sicko Mode” by Travis Scott which may or may not be about writing an essay, drinking kombucha, and hanging out with Uncle Luke Skywalker. Will takes us through some of the wildest cereals created in a segment called “Why?! Cereal Edition” including Nerds Cereal, Nickelodeon Green Slime Cereal, Peeps Cereal, Shrek’s (Not Donkey’s!) Cereal, Sour Patch Kids Cereal, Urkel-O’s, and many more! Then the hosts battle it out in “Versus” In which both have to create a new Scent for perfumes and cologne such as “Sin (and Sweat) Begone Deodorant”, Sunscreen scented cologne, “The Founding Fragrance (How the founding fathers smelled writing the Constitution)”, Newborn Smell, Ranch Smell (aka smelling like a smelly Cowboy). Will ends the podcast with some of the worst real life fragrances such as Circus, Funeral Home, and Bodily Fluid Scented products.

What is True Nudity? I’m glad you asked. True nudity is being completely nude, with not even a scrap of clothing on you. This is in contrast to Actual Nudity which is basically the most amount of clothes you can have on while basically being nude. There are also Lawful Good Nudity, Chaotic Neutral Nudity, etc etc. This week on the podcast, Theo and Will talk about what constitutes nudity, listing some gross Amazon sodas in flavors such as sweet corn, bacon, buffalo wing, ranch dressing, PB & J pumpkin pie, pickle, mustard, coffee, and cucumber. The boys also play some Dungeons and Dragons in “D&D For 2!” in which Bruno Wizardson returns home from a successful(?) ogre hunt to his worried band of thieves and concocts a hairbrain scheme to rob the wizard’s tower. They also listen to the ramblings of Randyll Randyllson and get into a fight with some desert pirates.Lastly, Theo informs Will about his “brilliant invention” of “Tubeworld!” In which everything is transported via tubes born from a reddit post about a boyfriend annoying his girlfriend with his “Souptube” idea.

Hopefully this cereal doesn’t… taste like booty. Thanks everyone, I’ll be here all week. On a very much related note, what are booty crowns? It is a Marshmallow shape for Booty O’s and I have no idea what it is. It keeps me awake at night. Oh well. This week on the podcast, Will and Theo talk about what amount of home constitutes not being homeless, answer the question of “Am I the A**hole?” for a post on r/ AmItheAsshole in which the poster created a website to make fun of his classmates and immediately got called out on it (kind of a cut and dry case tbh), the tale of Tarrare, the Hungriest man in history who was known for eating garbage, fighting with alley dogs over scraps, and for possible cannibalism and vampirism? Also this week, Theo goes over some Made for TV products to die for including one he made up himself (featuring the Uroclub, Saunapants, and the Itchy’s Blanket),and a new segment called “WHY?!: Cereal Edition” in which Will takes us through some of the wackiest cereals he could find including “Booty O’s”, “Cinnabon Cereal”, “Chicken and Waffle Honey Bunches and Oats Cereal”, and many more!

A shitty plastic doll here, a useless attachment for your phone there, a few items from Five Below and no one will know the difference. Besides, they don’t have much value individually. However, how much could you steal from Five Below without getting caught for the maximum price value? I don’t know because I am not a criminal.This week on the podcast, the boys talk about the US Army’s Twitch channel, why we don’t arm wrestle, early drafts of children, the morbid fame from being killed by a famous serial killer, a news story about a Florida Man that let a 12 year drive his Jeep 85 mph in order to be a “Cool Dad” despite not being the 12 year old’s father, a Jack the Ripper themed round of “Conspiracy Query!” which asks if Jack the Ripper was a British Prince, President Grover Cleveland, a mad midwife, serial killer H.H. Holmes, or Lewis Carrol. The boys also talk about another of “The Worst Theme Parks in the World” with the Fountain of Youth Park in Florida where you can drink nasty water out of a disgusting fountain and get a parasite, and Will takes a quick dive into the Hidden Kingdom Trilogy which is a reverse harem story by Lila Rose where a woman named Paige counts a lot and has to deal with annoying men hounding her and is… the Ghoul Queen?

You probably read that title and thought “Wait, what? Did they drive across the ocean?” And your skepticism is well placed. Cars in the early 20th Century were just kind of a chair bolted to a metal box being propelled by small explosions. Most didn’t have tops let alone a wind shield. And yet, these brave, stupid men decided they wanted to take these death machines across the USA, Canada, Siberia, and all of Europe for a big trophy or something. This is their story. This week on the podcast Theo and Will invent a new dating app called “Craigslust” which is exactly what it sounds like, would you be haunted by the ghosts of people who have died on the toilet for a million dollars, Will recounts the tale of the 1908 New York to Paris Auto Race in which 6 cars travelled through the mostly rural United States, failing to cross the Bering Strait, through untamed Siberia, all the way to Paris. Along the way they have to deal with terrible snow, constant mechanical failures, rivalries, angry locals, and locust sized mosquitoes?

Verily, it twas a wondrous time under the Mid Morning Nap Prince! Everyone would party all through the night and then wake up still groggy. This really hurt productivity until the “Party All Night King” died and his son took over. He initiated a daily holiday where everyone just kinda naps in the morning to get fully recharged and it was good. This week on the podcast, Will Theo talk about how people cannot focus on two crisisies at once, the first world problem of the local dry cleaner’s taking months to clean a coat, Theo reads an episode of Family Feud produced by an AI, the guy who must write the questions for all game shows, Will reviews the movie “Highlander” with all of its wacky worldbuilding and cool sword fights because there can only be one, Theo asks “Is this The Onion?” about three news stories (UK waging war on and then surrendering to New Zealand, Tik Tok apologizes about giving platform to theater kids, Mark Zuckerberg offers round table to hate groups to see how they work), and Will goes through the Dark Fae Kings Book Series by Meg Xuemei X with “Fever Fae” and “Frost Fae” in which a woman is hounded by obnoxious Fae kings while dodging monsters and taking care of her younger siblings? Email us with what king you would go with, I dare you.

The clock hit 3 pm. Everyone knew their marks. Everyone knew the plan. Everyone was in position. We would take over this summer camp or feel a little disappointed and say “Oh well, we tried..” This week on the podcast the boys talk about making a new Batman, the board game “Scythe” the post WWI mech domination game, how Ripley’s Believe it or Not could have anything in it, jacked guys at the gym, the recent PS5 Reveal Event where Theo and Will talk about the games that came out and what the console looks like, and Will tells a real life story of when he worked at a summer camp and created pranks on the management using his influence on the campers and the other counselors leading up to a full coup! MAYBE NOW THEY WILL APPRECIATE MY HARD WORK!