Segment City

“To My Lusty Son, you’re nasty and you know it. You keep writing graffiti on the walls about your… exploits and now I will call you out in a similar fashion. You must get this from your nasty father.” This week on the podcast, the boys discuss peeing sitting down, if we would get a Pinocchio nose for a million dollars, the final installment of “Pompeii Graffiti!” in which the boys read some Roman graffiti about lusty sons, pooping in the same spot in public, and calculating a bar tab on a wall, Theo recounts the life of Adolf Sax the inventor of the Saxophone from his accident prone childhood to being snubbed for an award because he was too young to his sour luck ending him up in destitution, and the boys read Chapters 6 and 7 of the most infamous fanfiction: “My Immortal”!

We’re sorry Mr. Diesel, please don’t sue us. That being said, don’t put out a pop song about pining after ladies if you don’t want to be made fun of. This episode on the podcast, Will tries (and fails) to recount the plot of “Vampire Academy”, the boys talk about the worst dates they have been on, Theo asks “Is this the Onion?” about NASA making a 5G tower on the moon disguised as a pine tree, the word “bone” being censored at a paleontology conference, and Amazon disguising packages so people don’t know you order from Amazon, Theo and Will interview each other for mystery jobs in a fun improv game, Theo asks “What does this Rap Lyric Mean?” about the new song “Feel Like I Do” by everyone’s favorite Mr. Clean impersonator Vin Diesel, Will hosts “Conspiracy Query: Fan Theory Edition” about some popular movie fan theories.

Happy Halloween everyone! In this spooky episode of the podcast, Theo and Will talk about what Halloween costumes will be popular this year including dressing up as Covid, Tiger King, Among Us crewmates, etc., what scared us as child including scary Barney scenes, getting addicted to drugs, and running up the stairs at night, Will goes over some of the worst Goosebumps episodes (“My Hairiest Adventure” , “Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes”, “Stay Out of the Basement!”, “Strained Peas”, and “An Old Story”), and the boys draft dodgeball teams from a list of famous movie monsters! Which team do you think would win?

Imagine being referred to as a Vampire Hunter. Would you feel cool or like a crazy person? Like imagine handing out business cards with “Vampire Hunter” on it or having it on your resume. “Yeah, I tried to get into the Vampire Hunting business for a while but ended up having some competition that challenged me to a wizard duel.” This week on the podcast, Theo and Will talk about how teens are always killed in slasher movies and why we are all ok with it, Theo complains about how many bibliographies he had to write in school, Will reads some stories about “Halloween Hunks” by Mason Harnes, a sensual book series featuring fear boners, murder dating apps, and banging your bros when you get stuck in a room together. Also this episode, “The Worst Amusement Parks” comes back with “Dickens’ World” based on the dreary Victorian stories of Charles Dickens, and Will takes us on the tale of the Highgate Vampire Hunters named David Farrant and Sean Manchester and how their epic feud led to mobs breaking into the Highgate Cemetery, corpses being dug up, and a Magician duel being proposed.

We here at Wine Spectator were shocked at the very concept of Taco Bell selling a wine. Will it have a Jalapeno taste to it? Is not the function of Taco Bell to eat when you are already, as the youth say, “plastered”? Why waste wine on that, even cheap Taco Bell wine. Sorry, I must go. We are doing a ritual sacrifice to Dionysus tonight and I would hate to miss it. This week, Will shows Theo some overpriced animal shaped furniture, the boys talk about how fear is a “love it or hate it” emotion and that fear is a privileged emotion to experience in the context of the animal kingdom, a story of a Florida man that slapped his girlfriend with pizza she was trying to throw out, weird pizzas they have seen people order, the new Taco Bell “Jalapeno Noir” wine (which must pair nicely with a gosh darn Crunchwrap Supreme),  Theo recounts the story of how a man tried to buy a Harrier Jet from Pepsi in a contest and ended up in court, and the boys go over Terrance Howard’s crazy math system called “Terryology” in his attempt to prove 1 x 1 = 2.

There is a lot of pirate punching in this episode. Like we spend a lot of time playing D&D just getting into a fist fight with a lot of pirates. No pirates were hurt in the recording of this episode. This week on the podcast, Will and Theo talk about how scarecrows scare people more than they scare crows, for a million dollars would we lose the ability to fart with anonymity, the boys play “D&D for 2!” and in this adventure, Bruno Wizardson gets in a fight with some contradictory Desert Pirates with some Dwarves on his side as his companions use some sticky fingers to (unsuccessfully) pickpocket onlookers. Jory gets caught and Bruno has to trade some magic hand lotion to save his brother’s fingers. Also in this episode, Theo and Will talk about some of their top 5 favorite gummy candies!

Pringles is a wild company. They make tubes to house their chips that actively get in the way of eating said chips. They have a weird moustachioed mascot with an immutable expression. And they have flavors such as “Bacon Caesar Salad” to really tingle the tongue with bad flavors. This week on the podcast, the boys talk about being called a boy versus being called a man, Theo goes over all the launch games with each Playstation console in honor of the launch games for the PS5 being announced, we return to the holy text of “Acts of Gord” a website where a video game store owner recounts tales of people trying to sell copied game disks, a cursed Gameshark, and a failed credit card fraud attempt. Theo then goes over some of the weirdest Pringles flavors including ranch, bacon caesar salad, bangkok chicken, blueberry and hazelnut, bruschetta, cinnamon and sugar, prawn cocktail, roast turkey, taco night, and smokey bacon. Will ends the episode with the thoroughly cursed new corporate collaboration with the Mountain Dew margarita at Red Lobster cunningly named the “Dew-Garita”.

S’moritto. That name alone sparks interest. Is it a toasted burrito? Is it a tasty desert wrapped in a tortilla? Wrong. It is filled to the brim with confusion and hatred. Chocolate, marshmallow, peanut butter and jelly, and BACON! All wrapped in a tortilla!? That is so many flavors, textures, and smells wrapped into one. I feel the diabetes coursing through my veins just writing that. This week on the podcast, Will and Theo talk about the rules of good storytelling, some wacky s’mores alternatives including wrapping it in a biscuit, adding brie and peach to it, dipping it in baileys, and making a “S’morito” aka a bacon, pb&j, marshmallow wrapped in a tortilla. Will then quizzes Theo by reading review from Rotten Tomatoes and seeing if he can guess the movie in “The Most Rotten Tomato!”, Theo asks Will what product is the made up in “As Seen on TV!” featuring the Cozy Bib, Easy Feet, and Alien Tape, and Will tells some of the wackiest plots in the CIA tried in their over 600 assination attempts on Fidel Castro including poison cigars, ice cream and diving suits, exploding seashells, and more...

“This town ain’t big enough for two people with a body pillow collection! Where are we even gonna keep all of ‘em? They are full sized body prints.” “That is one of the few things we agree about pardner… That and the fact that One Piece is the best anime to exist.” “Draw!... Your waifu.” This week on the podcast, Will and Theo talk about alcoholic freeze pops, words that have lost their individual parts such as high school and breakfast, a Florida cop that misused his power to jail his own mistress, Will does an impression of every Boston Fire Chief press conference, the boys discuss Mario’s 35th Anniversary and all the video game announcements that came with it including a Tetris 99 clone and some old Mario games including a new 3D All Stars collection, Will ruins an edition of “Is this ‘The Onion’?” by knowing the story about a man making an impassioned speech to his local city council to ban the term “Boneless Buffalo Wing”, and Will does a piece about the longest fanfiction (and longest work of fiction ever) “Subspace Emissary’s World’s Conquest”!

“You want to put in a patent on what?” asked the clerk. “Kissing” I said with the confidence of a king. “I want a patent on kissing and I want it now.” The clerk shook his head and looked around as if searching for a hidden camera. “You can’t just patent kissing. People have been doing it since… Well I don’t know, forever!” I smiled. “And think of all the profit I can get for licensing out kissing to people.” This week on the podcast, the boys talk about the newest graphics card specs from Nvidia and the absurdity of high end PC culture, if we like tourists coming to Boston, if a Reddit user is an a**hole for retaliating when her brother throws a tantrum over her getting into the university he wanted to get into, Will reviews (i.e. points out the glaring design flaws of) “Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles Remastered”, Theo talks about the “Helene Shelby Criminal Confession Device” aka a big spooky skeleton with glowing red eyes that was supposed to be used to make criminals confess out of fear and record them, and Will gives us some “Amazon Erotica” with a three book series by Nadia Lee: “That Man Next Door”, “That Sexy Stranger”, and “That Wild Player” in which a woman bails on multiple one night stands, possibly encounters a simple small town pizza lawyer, and dealing with nosey hotel neighbors just trying to return her nasty sex toys.