Segment City

Has this ever happened to you? You’re minding your own business, just being super sexy all the time and not being able to help it. In fact, you’re so sexy that people decide that it’s actually witchcraft and that you’re responsible for driving people insane. Sound familiar? Well you’re not the only one! In this episode, Theo and Will talk about how artificial sweeteners are just humanity’s way of admitting defeat, and also go over their natural disaster power rankings. They once again talk about how the Snyderverse could be reworked (it’s the last time we promise). Theo introduces some truly petty drama that went down in a Facebook Crockpot cooking group -- turns out people can get mad about just about anything. Finally, Will talks us through an edition of Wikipedia Historian covering The Devils of Loudun, a tragic tale of nuns being super horny and not really knowing what to do with themselves.

The fact they didn’t name the Peeps Pepsi Soda Peepsi is a travesty. That’s all I gotta say about that. This week on the podcast, Theo and Will talk about why we don’t feel emotionally invested or spooked out when we see skeletons in video games, Will review The Snyder Cut of the Justice League, they answer the question of whether it is best to be rich, good looking, or smart, Theo goes over the gross story of an LA comedian who found shrimp tails and other trash in a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and the ensuing Twitter controversy with General Mills, Will reads the press release to kick off Spring and Easter with the new Pepsi x Peeps collaboration soda (that you can only get through a darn contest) which is undoubtedly 100% sugar, and Theo takes us back to “The Taxidermy Shop” to display a taxidermied Detective Pikachu that is either a rat or a squirrel.

You’re wandering through the desert, disoriented and growing weary. At the crest of a dune you glance back, you could have sworn that cactus a few hundred yards below wasn’t there a few minutes ago. Shaking your head, you continue, thinking it must be the dehydration. You stumble down to the bottom of the dune and look back to the peak where a cactus now stands. That certainly wasn’t there before. Struggling to continue you fall to your knees, your vision fading to black. The last thing you see before everything goes dark -- a cactus standing over you. Anyways, welcome to the world of Pokémon, where you can collect and train these wonderful creatures to be your friends! This week Will and Theo talk about some of the most terrifying of these monsters that all seem like something straight from a Goosebumps book. Will asks what it means to be a “huge fan of milk”, and Theo brings another edition of “Is this the Onion?” which is all about what the police are up to. The guys also talk through their definitive Star Wars rankings, which put The Rise of Skywalker at the top spot. Just kidding. But seriously come have a listen to find out each of their lists!

At the ripe old age of 101, surrounded by his family, a wizened Waluigi looks at the disgusting faces of his family. His wife had passed long ago but he made it through because of the supportive humiliation his family put him through, calling him a cry baby and widower and saying “What are ya gonna do? A-cry?”. And now they stare at him with their big pink noses and spiky moustaches as a mirror image of his own face in his youth. All those years wasted… “Wah, how-a long is this-a gonna take?” asks a little girl who has Waluigi’s face. “Shut your-a mouth-a” her mother says, who also has a Waluigi face. Finally Waluigi lets out a final sigh and passes away. “Waaaaahhhh...” This week on the podcast, the boys talk about failing at running, whether they are optimistic or pessimistic about humanity (but honestly how can you be optimistic these days), Theo talks about NFTs (Non Fungible Tokens) which are block-chain tokens that prove that this piece of digital content is the “original” which has allowed artists to sell the “original” version of a piece of art such as Grimes selling songs or people verifying they are the creator of a meme, the boys then play an improv game where they have to interview each other for jobs (in this case a Bounty Hunter and a Dentist) but the interviewee doesn’t know what the job is, and Theo presents another item from “The Taxidermy Shop” aka Ebay. This time it is a Vampire hamster with one big muscle man arm, big boots, and green knit shorts harassing a little mouse if that means anything to you.

Hey there fine fella! Going out for a night on the town with your dame? Maybe you’ll have a fine time and do the jitterbug before the evening’s through! But beware, danger is around every corner -- don’t get near the nasty Reefer King and start getting crazy ideas! Be like Yankee Boy and put a stop to his addictive madness! This week on the podcast Will introduces the regrettable villain Reefer King who apparently is much more harmful to teens than being a normal tobacco hobbyist. They also swing through a Segment City court where Marinara Law is being instituted, and Theo tells the tale of the Animatronic Fox that is going to marry your dad. Finally, they compete on a new edition of Versus to pitch the best Muppet adaptation of a classic movie. Kermit as the Godfather? Statler and Waldorf as Gandalf and Saruman? Find out who has the best pitch! (and mostly come listen to Will do his Kermit voice)

Sometimes a man needs to poop in a box and then return that box to the shelf he found it on. Who is this man? I don’t know, but he should and will be arrested. This week on the podcast, the boys talk about “The Witches of Eastwick”, whether milk in cereal is a broth, beverage, or sauce, Theo takes us to the nasty “Taxidermy Shop” segment to show off a mean rat throwing red paint on a mouse lady wearing fur, Will tells a news story about a man who has been pooping in the cars at local automotive repair shops, the boys play a version of “Bang, Marry, Kill” where it is “Have as your boss, be trapped in an elevator with, and spend a day at Six Flags with” with various celebrities, fictional characters, and Will does a modified version of “Conspiracy Query” where he quizzes Theo about the aspects of the QAnon conspiracy theory.

Have you ever woken up from a nightmare in a cold sweat, realized it was all a dream, and peacefully gone back to sleep? Unfortunately for you, Grittney is all too real and has way too much juice in her caboose. Seriously, those cheeks are well defined. This week the guys talk about Grittney, the partner of the Philly Flyers mascot Gritty, who apparently is cleaning up his act with a makeover from the Fab Five. Will contemplates how weird bread must have been for whoever discovered it, and also meets a new resident of Segment City, the Taxidermy Shop owner. Come on down, see some dead rats, what’ve you got to lose? They also discuss Lil Yachty’s role in the upcoming Uno movie (yes, the card game) and read the best two chapters of My Immortal yet.

Meat. Peripherals. It is probably the most out of touch, futurist, inhuman way to describe our hands, feet, eyes, etc. But people like Gabe Newell have transcended us. Or that is what they hope since their meat peripherals probably smell like pepperoni. On this episode, Will and Theo talk about a “Parks and Rec” card game (as well as the whole show), bad recommendation etiquette, old parents calling all Internet communication Zoom calls, an “Ebay Find” of a Flaming Hot Cheeto in the shape of a bald eagle on a branch that is selling for an absurd amount of money, Will reads a technology news story about Gabe Newell describing new brain computer interfaces (BCIs) technology that Valve is researching and how it will be better than using our “meat peripherals”. Don’t worry, they won’t hack your brain. They promise! Also this episode, Theo reads a scenario from “r/HypotheticalScenarios” about what you would do if you are immortal and everyone disappears with a far too in depth comment with a full plan for containing all of Human knowledge to breeding a new Racoon society to take you to space.

You read that title right. One of the authors featured in our Amazon Erotica segment reached out and told us he wrote an erotic story about us! It is available on Amazon right now titled “Audiophiles: Best Friends First Time Gay Inspired By True Events”. Thank you to Mason Harnes for writing it! I hope you enjoy this beginning section of the story. Sadly, it gets too raunchy, even for our show. If you want to hear the whole thing, send us an email at [email protected] and send this episode to some friends! If it gets enough traction we may put it out through… Alternative means. I don’t know what that means, maybe you have to pay for it or something.

Turns out that bears are the Liberal Elite of the animal kingdom and just want to stomp on our freedom to throw our trash anywhere! Where do these bears get off on destroying a Libertarian Paradise? This week on the podcast, the boys talk about potential pot cookie mishaps, Al Capone’s real voice,  Theo continues his list of strange celebrity baby names such as Moxie Crimefighter, Montague, and York, Will talks about an a New Hampshire town that was turned into a Libertarian utopia… Only to be brought down by bears, as told through an interview with the author of “A Libertarian Walks Into a Bear: The Utopian Plot to Liberate an American Town (And Some Bears)” by Matthew Hongoltz-Hetling. Also in this episode, Theo goes over some curious fragrance descriptions and the boys come up with new names for them.