Segment City

“Hello, can I get one pepperoni pizza delivered to the bombed out building that used to be 72 Main Street? Thanks, if it is delivered quickly I will give you a tip consisting of some bullet casings and trinkets stolen from my neighbor’s house.” This week on the podcast, Theo and Will talk about Slip and Slides, if tanning is toasting yourself, Theo presents 4 of the oddest Game Shows (including “The 5th Wheel”, “Touch the Truck”, “Repo Games”, and “Queen for a Day”), we return to the world of Dungeons and Dragons for a thrilling game of “D&D for 2!” in which Bruno Wizardson lies to an Archmage, gets spiked drinks at BuckStar coffee shop with a talking cat, and reunites with his gang of rogues, and Theo asks “What does this rap lyric mean?” about E-40’s remix of his own song “Function” where he looks dipped, glimmery, and lit up like a strobe light. Also featured is the song “Dope Dealer” by Schoolboy Q and E-40 that I think is entirely about getting Domino's pizza in a warzone.

He built his empire toiling in the field. Then he said “Eh, nevermind” and left the field to rot and grow mushrooms. Then he made his fortune pick these mushrooms. At least that’s how I presume it went. Seriously, who ever heard of a mushroom magnate? This week on the podcast, the boys talk about being a hot, fat, pale nerd in the Middle Ages, answering Reddit’s question of “Am I the A**hole?” in a twisty tale of a man having his twin taking his place at his in law’s Christmas party, a Covid edition of “Conspiracy Query!” tackling some breaking news conspiracies, another of “The World’s Worst Theme Parks” with Lithuania’s “Stalin’s World”, a literal prison camp created by a mushroom magnate depicting all the great things about Soviet society including… Statues. A petting zoo. And much more. Not that much more to be honest. But there is a lot to deconstruct with this week’s edition of “Amazon Erotica” in which Will describes the 10 book “Betrothed” series by Penelope Sky. It has everything! Gypsy curses! Fighting over companies! Weddings! Break ups! The Skull King? What? Who are these characters? WHAT IS GOING ON?

COME GET YA PIZZA HOT AND READY TO GO! COME GET YA PIZZA HOT AND READY TO GO! COME GET YA PIZZA HOT AND READY TO GO! On this very special 50th episode of the podcast, the Will and Theo talk about eating peanut butter straight out of the jar, the film Predator and its many wonderful one-liners, whether we would try to convince the employees at any restaurant we go to that we have a “special” dish specific to us for a million dollars, installing drive in windows to our homes, some naughty Ancient Roman Graffiti from the preserved city of Pompeii including unhappy dinner guests, sad farewells, and bed wetting hotel guests, and a very special segment featuring a guest segment from our friend Nick Tassoni who talks about a car that goes through his neighborhood blasting advertisements for pizza that it serves out of the car as well as all the other noise making vehicles in his neighborhood including multiple ice cream trucks and a honking corn salesman.

The only thing better than #givingblood to the Red Cross is #gettingslizzerd with the Red Cross. This week on the podcast, Theo and Will talk about Tortas, a mini review of Dishonored, whether it is better to put out shows all at once or weekly is better for streaming services, a very in depth review of both Alien and Aliens which turns into somewhat of an argument between Will and Theo about which is better, some comporate Twitter mishaps in which they tweeted some… unfortunate things (featuring Chrysler, the American Red Cross, Walmart, DiGiorno’s, and Baby Nut), Theo goes into The Holy Land Experience, an apparently awful theme park in Orlando, Florida that features fun attractions for the whole family like a bloody Jesus being crucified daily, terrible food, and limited space in the performances (which are the only reason to go), and Will goes on a deep dive into a Revolution Studios and a conspiracy that he has formulated about their operations as well as diving into the flop that was Zoom: Academy for Heroes and the Anger Management TV show and how it was all a ploy to get into syndication. He goes off the deep end, it’s a little frightening.

Ah, the old Descartes quote, “I see bees, therefore I am bees.” Wait, am I remembering that right…? This week on the podcast, the boys talk about tarot cards, if Millennials will be able to keep up with technology in the future, the adventures of Florida Man and his quest to slap his girlfriend with a cheeseburger, the worst Top 50 Sci fi TV show list (seriously, who made this piece of garbage list?), “31 Insanely Irrelevant Acronyms on the FBI’s Epic List of Internet Slang” featuring acronyms nobody has ever said or typed before because they are uncommon, too long, or both, and Will delves deep into some Amazon Erotica where he reads the descriptions for a trilogy of Santa Claus themed smut including “Santa Steps Out”, “Santa Claus Conquers the Homophobes”, and “Santa Claus Saves the World” by Robert Devereux.

Turns out it is a very bad idea to set the wave pool in an amusement park to “Mondo Gigantic Waves”, especially in a place with a loose understanding of public safety like Action Park. It was thoughtful of them to put floating tombstone buoys in the wave pool to commemorate the fallen. That was a joke, that didn’t happen, don’t DM me.This week on the podcast, Theo and Will talk about Will’s new sword, all the Internet’s varying opinions on the concept of having… relations with your own clone, news stories about a surprisingly speedy cow evading police and an 11 year old Grand Theft Auto fan taking a car on a joy ride at his parents urging, Will dramatically reads things he found from the internet including 17th century dating habits, an Amazon review for 20 sided dice, Wikipedia entries about strange fish, and the sexiest D&D wizard spells, and Theo goes on a deep dive into one of the Worst Amusement Parks: Action Park. A place where the Alpine slide is fast, the go kart speed regulators are off, and the wave pool is constantly drowning people with it’s meter high waves.

I love a good Mariachi band. It’s especially nice when they specifically play for you on a birthday or other special event. But it’s all context. A surprise Mariachi band in a Mexican restaurant? Perfect. A surprise Mariachi band in your house? Not as good. A surprise Mariachi band popping up in your car and throwing a bag over your head while blaring trumpet in your ear? Less than ideal. This week on the podcast, the boys talk about trading bodies with other people, a question from r/ RelationshipAdvice where an office worker wants to compliment the janitor for how well she cleans the bathroom, how obnoxious it would be to have a Mariachi band follow you all day, and in a long segment of “D&D for 2”, the fake wizard Bruno Wizardson attempts to evict an Ogre with… curious tastes in literature and cuisine by attempting to bankrupt him. A deal goes awry, spells are cast, and there may be consequences for questionable transactions. Stay tuned for more!

The Olympics have been getting too flabby with all these events! Back in Ancient Greece, dudes just ran around and wrestled each other a bit until one ruled supreme. Now we have Olympic badminton and horse dressage...This week, we talk about some Star Wars lore with Yoda, what gaming will look like in the future when we are old geezers playing LAN Halo 3 and Red Dead 20 on our Nintendo World, a quick history lesson on the Donner Party, how many numbered sequels a franchise can have, asking whether we would take a million dollars but a statue is erected in honor of your most embarrassing moment, discussing what will replace E3 and if we are excited over a more steady supply of gaming news instead of the hype of E3, Sony and Microsoft’s new consoles, what games are looking forward to and what news we want to come out over the Summer, and finally we take a crack at the Olympics (which has gotten too bloated in our opinion) as we go through all the Olympic games and say whether they should be cut or not!

Look, I just listened to the whole episode and couldn’t tell you what the S.U.R.V.I.V.A.L acronym means. Shows how good of an acronym it is… This week on the podcast, the boys talk about what our bones look like, our thoughts on grave robbing, fun casket booby traps, things to do in quarantine like “take a nice bath”, “drink some green juice”, “text all your exes to see how they are doing”, “LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR and draw your face”, “go at half speed”, and “Try to crochet and then immediately throw it away when you get frustrated”, the boys also discuss the “Corrupted Blood Pandemic” in World of Warcraft where an ingame “debuff” spread through the playerbase and mimicked real world pandemic response, the Top 10 Worst GI Joe characters (The Fridge, Tollbooth, Outback, Scoop, Ice Cream Man, Dee Jay, Airtight, Deep Six, and Sand Scorpion), and guessing what movies famous quotes came from!

We’re back! Not even a global pandemic can keep us down for long except for those few weeks that it kept us down! This week Theo and Will go over what movies, TV shows, and video games they have consumed while trapped inside. Movies include everyone’s favorite bug killing fascist movie Starship Troopers, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, and The Mask of Zorro! We were more keen on binging shows like Community, Westworld, Star Trek The Next Generation, Terrace House, The Boys, Mike Tyson’s Mysteries, and of course Tiger King! We also are big gamers and played God of War, Wizard of Legend, Katana Zero, Baba is You, Tabletop Simulator, Totally Accurate Battle Simulator, Red Dead Redemption 2, Animal Crossing, and Astrobot Rescue Mission!