Segment City

They didn’t have to do much convincing to get Xzibit to host “Pimp My Porkchop”. Other spin offs include “Pimp My Porcupine”, “Pimp My Porch”, and “Pimp my Rascal Mobility Scooter”. This week, the boys do impressions of Toad, talk about body shapes, reminisce about “Pimp My Ride”, list our favorite insults from around the world (spoiler: they mostly have to do with pooping and farting on the insultee), we play an improv game where one person is interviewing for a job doesn’t know what the job is and must guess it, terrible Minor League Baseball promotional events, and reading of the erotica titled “Rough and Ready” and let’s just say we were not ready. Things get wet and abs seem to do a lot of strange things like bulge, pulse, and gallop. This makes Theo very uncomfortable.

I am a huge history buff. I love the stories, the characters, and the stuff that is stranger than fiction. I don’t think anyone could predict where the Battle of Alesia between Julius Caesar of Rome vs. the Gauls would lead, but certainly not where it does. Will Caesar give the Gauls poisoned salad? Will the Gauls throw an entire cow at Caesar’s army? Will both sides just say “Eh, whatever…” and go home? Who knows. Just kidding, I know. And you will too. This week, Theo shares a list of unofficial Harry Potter book titles from China, the big who-dunnit in the wizarding world of who is turning everyone into stools (I think it was the Big Funnel), Voldemort’s real archnemsis Yandomort, Will’s review of “The Last Witch Hunter” a film kinda co-written, produced by, and starring Vin Diesel, a mysterious story found on r/ WritingPrompts about a man, a cabin, some guns, and some apples? Also, Will details one of the craziest sieges in history: The Battle of Alesia between Julius Caesar and the Gauls.

You know what I love on a pizza? Sugar cubes and chewy gummy balls. Oh yeah, and also cheese to really up the savory, salty factor for this sweet pizza instead of, I don’t know, some kind of tea flavored spread? I don’t want to talk about Bubble Tea pizza anymore. This week, Will and Theo talk about humbling Roman Generals, the origin of the name for Caesar Salad, “Is this the Onion?” in which Will must guess which article is real from 3 stories and which are The Onion articles which include bus tours down the “Joker” stairs, new Eggplant with sores emoji, and Bubble Tea pizza, some more Ancient Pompeii graffiti, the three worst Scooby Doo plot lines including “Chickenstein Lives”, “Hang in There, Scooby Doo” featuring a Ghost Pterodactyl, and “Creepy Cruise” featuring a convoluted time travel device and a not so complicatedly named Futuristic Monster.

Ok, I’m not gonna lie, we go a little off topic in this episode. We go from talking about internet commenters to pitching a new Ocean’s movie featuring just Danny Ocean and the gymnast that can fit into suitcases. How can you do a heist using charm, flexibility and a small suitcase? I don’t know. But Danny Ocean can figure it out. This week on the podcast, the boys talk about the inconsistency of internet commenters, inconsistent movie numbering, talk about Ocean’s 2, New Year’s Resolutions to be more confident, movies that take place in 2020 and how they expected the future to turn out,  Battlebots vs Robot Boxing, the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park fighting each other, Baby Sonic, an alternate Incredible Hulk who turns into a regular man when he gets angry, a beverage based round of Conspiracy Query, Theo’s 3 new Rules for Efficiency(™) for the new year.

Happy New Year everyone! We want to thank everyone for supporting the podcast this year! And know that this is just the beginning and you can’t stop us, despite constant attempts at destroying us. We shall prevail! This week on the podcast, we talk about the new Gotham City podcast “Bane and the Wayne”, how many people complete their New Year Resolutions, Theo asks Will “What Does this Rap Lyric Mean?” for Migos’ song “Bad and Bougee”, another chapter of “The Absurdity of Life” in which clueless Pete arrives to the 103rd floor and gets set up at his job by an eerily jovial HR manager, Theo’s personal Year in Review for gaming based on his Playstation Trophies (Assassin’s Creed Odyssey, Hitman, Apex Legends, Shadow of the Tomb Raider, Astrobot Rescue Mission, Mortal Kombat 11, Beat Saber, Days Gone, Monster Hunter World: Iceborne, Control, Borderlands 3), and Will looks back to the conception of Segment City and proposes other podcast topics that we could have picked instead of Segment City including a bird watching podcast, a podcast reviewing other podcasts, and Waifu Weekly.

That’s right, we come up with not just one, but three movie ideas in this episode! Do not steal! Copyright Will Kane and not Theo. This will be the betrayal of the century. This festive week, Will and his elf friend Theo talk about Santa breaking copyright laws, AI generated holiday poems, the Elf on a Shelf and his eternal battle against Demons, the Netflix movie “The Knight Before Christmas”, we write a Hallmark original Christmas movie about a business woman travelling to a small town to open a big mall when she meets Chris Pringle (aka Santa Claus Jr). and they must win the big bake off on ice against her evil Christmas hating fiance Johnman John to win the town back in “Christmas Competition for Her Heart”, we talk about the now infamous yearly Santa Con that besieges cities around the USA with drunken Santas, and the top 10 weirdest holiday traditions from around the world! Also, we will be off next week, so enjoy your Holidays!

After the success of the Isuzu Mysterious Utility Wizard, the car manufacturer decided to contact other dark arts practitioners for a possible deal. This led them to contact Fred, the Questionable Reliability Warlock. Suffice it to say, Fred did not come through on this. Ironically, the car itself was very reliable, especially in cold weather. Oh, and also summoning a demon in the passenger seat to help with navigation. This week, Theo and Will talk about a company sponsored magic show, perceptions on gaining or losing weight, pretending to be an animal in a zoo for a million dollar salary, a new horse costume themed romantic comedy, as new segment called “Welcome to New England” where Theo has to guess which New England town name is fake, “Guess which car name is real”, Will dramatically reads cat based tweets in a new segment called “Twitter Theater”, an Amazon (Not) Erotica about a book called “Bill the Vampire” about an obnoxious nerd vampire, and a reading from the Acts of Gord website.

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Sorry this episode was a day late, my computer decided that it didn’t want to work. Maybe I need a new one? But where would I find one? I got it! I’ll do the same thing as the Ancient Romans and just paint graffiti on the wall asking for a good PC! Good thing I know a guy who loves advertising on walls. This week, Will and Theo talk about Shovel Knight, what Will wants happen to his bones when he dies, if you would send a sexy calendar of yourself to everyone in the USA for a million dollars, a new segment in which Will reads some notable graffiti found in Pompeii, pitching new holidays (including Bubble Wrap day, Voting Day, Lost Sock Memorial Day, Dionysius (the festival of wine and drama), Fruit Cake Day, Opposite Christmas), an Amazon Erotica of the “Yes, Please!” series!

All your favorite characters are here! Spongebob, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Dora the Explorer, even Big Fat Tony from down the street! They are all coming to the wonderful state of New Jersey to become the only thing worth going to in New Jersey! I’m just joking, New Jersey listeners. But seriously, why are you listening to our podcast instead of going to meet Boots the Monkey at a theme park inside a very big mall? This week, the boys talk about Theo’s visit to Nashville, Tennessee, how moldy blue cheese gets before it is too moldy, the deaths of Lake Pontchartrain, the new Nickelodeon Universe Theme Park in the American Dream Mall in New Jersey, not so sexy Halloween costumes, and a new segment called Wacky Crime in which Will talks about rampant avocado theft in New Zealand.

Welcome to the Mega Church of Segment City! Home to the world famous baby preacher who is here to save your soul and sells you some dank kush all before naptime! Praise be to the Baby Preacher! This week, the boys talk about a funny potluck story, would people diet and exercise if we lived in a world where everyone looks fit, the origin of the Batman villain Condiment King, Will reads from the holy Acts of Gord Website which is a website chronicling the annoying people a video game owner named Gord had to deal with (http://www.actsofgord.com/), what the rap lyrics of Lil Baby’s songs mean, a drug dealing baby preacher, and a space themed round of Conspiracy Theory with conspiracies on a manned mission to Mars, a face on Mars, and a dead cosmonaut.