People think “selfish” is a dirty word, so there’s a lot of fear around it. They’ve had it beat into them that being selfish is bad, which leads to people-pleasing. When you succumb to people-pleasing, you’re constantly at the mercy of the rest of the world to validate you. You think if you don’t give to someone else or do what they want, you’re being selfish. And being selfish makes you feel guilty! You become so focused on not wanting to be selfish you walk on eggshells, over-doing to avoid the label. Try as hard as you can to be a saint and it won’t matter—when you try to compensate for your negative beliefs, it comes back to bite you.

The thing is, you’re never going to feel good when you go against yourself. You end up in this pattern of giving, thinking you’ll be seen as a good person and eventually get something in return. But when that doesn’t happen, you end up resentful… and then you try even harder. It’s a vicious cycle that’s not only painful, it also stops you from getting close to people. I know you’re afraid you won’t be likeable if you’re “selfish,” but if someone only likes you when you’re catering to their every whim, ask yourself if that’s really a two-way relationship. What are you getting out of it? Is it worth it?

Taking care of yourself doesn’t make you selfish, but giving to get does. Yep, when you give out of obligation, you’re not coming from a genuine place. You’re manipulating to get something—be it attention, validation, acceptance, etc. That’s actually more selfish than taking care of yourself. So, if you want to feel good and stop putting others before yourself, embrace being selfish. You’ll find that when you allow it rather than resisting, you’re able to own it. Make “selfish” a positive word in your vocabulary; it means you’re taking care of yourself instead of always prioritizing someone else. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Only then can you truly give from your heart.