To listen to the rest of this episode, search for Last Day wherever you listen to podcasts.

When Nadia Bowers's sister Sasha died of fentanyl overdose in 2015, Nadia was seven months pregnant with her first child and had gotten married just six weeks earlier. Suddenly she had to ask herself: how do I go on after the worst thing that's ever happened to me? In this episode, Nadia tells Stephanie how writing her new memoir, Dear Dealer, helped her process her rage, grief, and the anxiety of new motherhood while navigating this crippling loss.

Pick up a copy of ⁠Dear Dealer⁠, available wherever books are sold or listen to the audiobook, narrated by Nadia.

Order Steph’s book Last Day: How to Stop Losing Our Loved Ones to the Opioid Crisis at ⁠https://bit.ly/LastDayBook⁠, and the audiobook at ⁠https://bit.ly/3RW4WtF⁠, or wherever books and audiobooks are sold.

EPISODE 8 -- With the trial over, Erika explores the mass shooting’s permanent imprint on her community. Plus, we’ll hear from musicians Aly & AJ, who survived a mass shooting in Sacramento about turning their pain into purpose. Finally, we meet the last known person to see Erika’s dad alive—a young woman who says Kevin Mahoney saved her life in the parking lot on that fateful day.

Follow Erika for a behind-the-scenes look at the show: 

IG: @eri_mahoney 

Substack: @erikamahoney

Website: erikamahoney.com 

Senseless is written and reported by me, Erika Mahoney. I’m your host and executive producer.

Krista Almanzan is our senior producer and executive editor. Original music, sound design and mastering by Hannis Brown. Audio editing and sound mixing by Jerimiah Oetting. Plus, original music by Daniel Weidlein.  

My deepest thanks to my mom, who supported this project through and through — I couldn’t have done it without you, and I love you. And to my incredible husband, Brandt — thank you for all your love and support.

Gratitude to March Fourth, a nonprofit working to end mass shootings, for connecting me with Aly & AJ — and to Aly & AJ for sharing their story and allowing us to include their powerful song Sirens in the finale. Sirens was written by Aly Michalka, AJ Michalka, and James McAlister. Produced by Jonathan Wilson and James McAlister. Engineered by Michael Harris and Jonathan Wilson. Recorded at Five Star Studios, Topanga Canyon, CA. Assistant Engineer at Five Start Studios: Grant Milliken and Mirza Sheriff. Mixed by Jonathan Wilson at Five Start Studios. Mastered by Adam Ayan at Ayan Mastering.

Musicians: 

Aly Michalka – Vocals
AJ Michalka – Vocals
James McAlister – Emax, Drums, Drum Programming
Joe Kennedy – DX1 Synth, Lowrey Organ
Jonathan Wilson – Electric Guitar, Moog
Gabe Noel – Bass, Strings
Gabe Witcher – Strings
Drew Taubenfeld – Jazzmaster Guitar

This project was made possible through support from Community Foundation Boulder County and the Boulder County Arts Alliance, and was recorded at Coupe Studios in Boulder, Colorado — immense appreciation to all three for making space for this work.

Finally, to the powerful team at Lemonada Media — Stephanie and Jess, you saw something in me and I’ll never forget it. Lizzie, Jackie, Grace, and Alina, you’ve all brightened my life with your magical energy.

Sponsors:

For a full list of current sponsors and discount codes for this and all other Lemonada series, you can visit lemonadamedia.com/sponsors

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

EPISODE 7 -- Three and a half years after the shooting, the trial finally begins in a Boulder courtroom for the young man who killed 10 people — including Erika’s father. Dozens of witnesses take the stand, including the police officer who stopped the gunman. Erika and other families share their victim impact statements. It’s both brutal and beautiful — a chapter where, at long last, some long-awaited answers finally arrive.

Follow Erika for a behind-the-scenes look at the show: 

IG: @eri_mahoney 

Substack: @erikamahoney

Website: erikamahoney.com 

Senseless is written and reported by Erika Mahoney, the host and executive producer. Krista Almanzan is the senior producer and executive editor. Original music, sound design and mastering by Hannis Brown. Audio editing and sound mixing by Jerimiah Oetting. 

Special thanks to Sarah Cantu, a senior investigator with the Boulder County District Attorney’s Office and the lead investigator on the case. She testified three times during the trial and helped Erika fact check numerous details in this episode. Thank you Sarah. 

This podcast was made possible by support from Community Foundation Boulder County and the Boulder County Arts Alliance.

The episode was recorded by Aaron Garrison at Coupe Studios in Boulder, Colorado.

Executive producers for Lemonada Media are Jessica Cordova Kramer and Stephanie Wittels Wachs. 

Sponsors:

For a full list of current sponsors and discount codes for this and all other Lemonada series, you can visit lemonadamedia.com/sponsors

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

EPISODE 6 -- After realizing she can still talk to her dad, Erika’s search for connection and comfort deepens. She looks to the belief system instilled in her by her mom and begins meeting with a medium. She also connects with other people facing the trauma of loss when she attends an intimate grief retreat in the redwoods of Northern California.

Follow Erika for a behind-the-scenes look at the show: 

IG: @eri_mahoney 

Substack: @erikamahoney

Website: erikamahoney.com 

Senseless is written and reported by Erika Mahoney, the host and executive producer. Krista Almanzan is the senior producer and executive editor. Original music, sound design and mastering by Hannis Brown. Audio editing and sound mixing by Jerimiah Oetting. Plus, original music by Daniel Weidlein. This podcast was made possible by support from Community Foundation Boulder County and the Boulder County Arts Alliance. 

Special thanks to Sarah Cantu, a senior investigator with the Boulder County District Attorney’s Office and the lead investigator on the case. She testified three times during the trial and helped Erika fact check numerous details in this episode. Thank you Sarah. 

The episode was recorded by Aaron Garrison at Coupe Studios in Boulder, Colorado.

Executive producers for Lemonada Media are Jessica Cordova Kramer and Stephanie Wittels Wachs. 

Sponsors:

For a full list of current sponsors and discount codes for this and all other Lemonada series, you can visit lemonadamedia.com/sponsors

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

EPISODE 5 -- Erika makes a bold decision to move back to Boulder. This new path puts her at the center of the web of pain left behind by the mass shooting at King Soopers and sparks the idea of this podcast. She attends the annual remembrance ceremony, visits the hospital that braced to treat victims of the shooting, and reconsiders her own identity as a journalist and survivor. She also joins the local chapter of Moms Demand Action, turning her loss into action and community.

Follow Erika for a behind-the-scenes look at the show: 

IG: @eri_mahoney 

Substack: @erikamahoney

Website: erikamahoney.com 

Senseless is written and reported by Erika Mahoney, the host and executive producer. Krista Almanzan is the senior producer and executive editor. Original music, sound design and mastering by Hannis Brown. Audio editing and sound mixing by Jerimiah Oetting. Plus, original music by Daniel Weidlein. This podcast was made possible by support from Community Foundation Boulder County and the Boulder County Arts Alliance. 

Special thanks to Moms Demand Action leaders in East Boulder and Boulder – Sarah Randow, Peggy Darrah, and Paige Leonard. 

The episode was recorded by Aaron Garrison at Coupe Studios in Boulder, Colorado.

Executive producers for Lemonada Media are Jessica Cordova Kramer and Stephanie Wittels Wachs. 

Sponsors:

For a full list of current sponsors and discount codes for this and all other Lemonada series, you can visit lemonadamedia.com/sponsors

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

EPISODE 4 -- Navigating life and death, grief and joy, Erika gives birth to her daughter just three months after her dad was killed in a mass shooting. At first motherhood is a distraction from the pain. But after the school shooting in Uvalde, Texas, Erika sinks into a deep depression. She starts therapy with grief expert Claire Bidwell Smith.

Follow Erika for a behind-the-scenes look at the show: 

IG: @eri_mahoney 

Substack: @erikamahoney

Website: erikamahoney.com 

Senseless is written and reported by Erika Mahoney, the host and executive producer. Krista Almanzan is the senior producer and executive editor. Original music, sound design and mastering by Hannis Brown. Audio editing and sound mixing by Jerimiah Oetting. Plus, original music by Daniel Weidlein. This podcast was made possible by support from Community Foundation Boulder County and the Boulder County Arts Alliance. 

The episode was recorded by Aaron Garrison at Coupe Studios in Boulder, Colorado.

Executive producers for Lemonada Media are Jessica Cordova Kramer and Stephanie Wittels Wachs. 

Sponsors:

For a full list of current sponsors and discount codes for this and all other Lemonada series, you can visit lemonadamedia.com/sponsors

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

EPISODE 3 -- We go back to that fateful day in Boulder as police and survivors try to make sense of what happened. In her search for understanding, Erika discovers new connections, friendships and a love story that rose from the ashes. 

Follow Erika on Social Media for a behind-the-scenes look at the show.

Instagram & Threads: @eri_mahoney

Substack: @erikamahoney

X: @MahoneyEB

TikTok: @erika.mahoney

Website: erikamahoney.com 

Senseless is written and reported by Erika Mahoney, the host and executive producer. Krista Almanzan is the senior producer and executive editor. Original music, sound design and mastering by Hannis Brown. Audio editing and sound mixing by Jerimiah Oetting. 

This podcast was made possible by support from Community Foundation Boulder County and the Boulder County Arts Alliance. Special thanks to Erika’s Kickstarter supporters. 

The episode was recorded by Aaron Garrison at Coupe Studios in Boulder, Colorado.

Executive producers for Lemonada Media are Jessica Cordova Kramer and Stephanie Wittels Wachs. 

Sponsors:

For a full list of current sponsors and discount codes for this and all other Lemonada series, you can visit lemonadamedia.com/sponsors

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

EPISODE 2 -- Erika looks back on when she covered a mass shooting for a national news outlet. As more information comes to light about what unfolded in Boulder, she realizes she’s on the other side of the story now, answering the questions instead of asking them.

Follow Erika Mahoney on Instagram at eri_mahoney. Her website is erikamahoney.com.

Senseless is written and reported by Erika Mahoney, the host and executive producer. Krista Almanzan is the senior producer and executive editor. Original music, sound design and mastering by Hannis Brown. Audio editing and sound mixing by Jerimiah Oetting. 

News clips in this episode are courtesy of NPR’s Morning Edition, KGNU Community Radio, CNN, and 9 News Denver.

This podcast was made possible by support from Community Foundation Boulder County and the Boulder County Arts Alliance. 

Special thanks to Brad Turner.

The episode was recorded at Coupe Studios in Boulder, Colorado.

Executive producers for Lemonada Media are Jessica Cordova Kramer and Stephanie Wittels Wachs. 

Sponsors:

Use code SENSELESS for 50% off your first 2 months at getduckbill.com. 

For a full list of current sponsors and discount codes for this and all other Lemonada series, you can visit lemonadamedia.com/sponsors

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

EPISODE 1 -- Erika’s world shatters with a single phone call: there’s an active shooter at a Boulder, CO, supermarket—and her dad is inside. What unfolds next is a story of fear, heartbreak, and the unimaginable reality of waiting to find out if someone you love is still alive.

Follow Erika Mahoney on Instagram at eri_mahoney. Her website is erikamahoney.com.

Senseless is written and reported by Erika Mahoney, the host and executive producer. Krista Almanzan is the senior producer and executive editor. Original music, sound design and mastering by Hannis Brown. Audio editing and sound mixing by Jerimiah Oetting. 

Thank you to KGNU community radio in Boulder, Colorado for providing sound from the press conferences. News clips in this episode courtesy of ABC7 Los Angeles, Denver7, and NPR’s Morning Edition.

This podcast was made possible by support from Community Foundation Boulder County and the Boulder County Arts Alliance. Special thanks to Erika’s Kickstarter supporters.

The episode was recorded at Coupe Studios in Boulder, Colorado, with Ryan Dart and Aaron Garrison. 

Executive producers for Lemonada Media are Jessica Cordova Kramer and Stephanie Wittels Wachs. 

Subscribe to Lemonada Premium for premium content of Senseless with Erika Mahoney. 

Sponsors:

Use code SENSELESS for 50% off your first 2 months at getduckbill.com. 

For a full list of current sponsors and discount codes for this and all other Lemonada series, you can visit lemonadamedia.com/sponsors

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Mass shootings have become a daily, uniquely American tragedy. But what happens to those left behind afterward? In Senseless, journalist Erika Mahoney presents her deeply personal, unfiltered journey through grief, trauma, resilience, and moving forward, and a look at the complex web of pain left behind after your world shatters forever. From Lemonada Media, out June 17th, wherever you get your podcasts.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.