Bat Sheva Marcus is a sex therapist in private practice. She was founder and served as clinical director of one of the largest sexual health centers in the US for 25 years. She is also the author of Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted.

Dr. Marcus immediately challenges our conventional understanding of sexual desire, suggesting that what we often label as "coercive sex" or "low desire" might actually stem from unrealistic expectations and misguided narratives. With refreshing directness, she proposes reframing how we think about sex entirely—comparing it to an exercise program rather than something driven by "magic pixie dust." Just as we don't always feel like going to the gym but usually feel better afterward, she argues that waiting for spontaneous desire might be sabotaging many relationships.

The discussion delves into fascinating territory when exploring Orthodox Jewish communities, where theoretical support for sexual pleasure clashes with practical pressures and expectations. Dr. Marcus shares eye-opening stories from her clinical practice, including a poignant example of a woman who believed sex needed to be a profound spiritual connection every time—"If every time you have sex, it had to be a Shabbat dinner, sometimes you just want a sandwich," Marcus quips, illustrating how our expectations can become burdens.

Perhaps most valuable are the three harmful narratives Dr. Marcus identifies that undermine healthy sexuality: expecting sex to be driven by spontaneous desire rather than conscious choice; believing you must be "relaxed and present" to enjoy sex (unrealistic for most busy adults); and expecting your partner to be what turns you on, rather than taking responsibility for your own arousal. By dismantling these misconceptions, she offers a path toward more satisfying sexual relationships based on choice, communication, and realistic expectations.

Whether you're struggling with desire discrepancies in your relationship or simply curious about the complex dynamics of consent, this episode provides thought-provoking perspectives that might transform how you think about sex. Share your thoughts with us—what narratives about sex have you found helpful or harmful in your own life?

The shadow of colonial history still haunts our bedrooms. Sex therapist Anne Mauro reveals how historical trauma and cultural messaging create a perfect storm pushing women to consent to sex they don't truly desire.

Drawing from her extensive clinical experience, Mauro unpacks the complex intersection of race and sexuality—what she terms "ethno-sexuality"—with remarkable clarity. She traces how patriarchal family structures imposed during colonization continue shaping intimate relationships today, particularly within Black communities where "Christian supremacy" often reinforces female sexual subservience.

Perhaps most alarming is Mauro's revelation about media influence: "Sex education was the primary reason BIPOC teenagers viewed pornography." This default education source consistently portrays Black bodies with more aggression and less intimacy than white counterparts. When combined with societal silence around sexuality—"We're not talking to our children, we're not talking to our parents"—these harmful representations become the only script many young people know.

For therapists and couples alike, Mauro offers powerful somatic approaches to healing. She demonstrates how unwanted touch creates physical protective responses, teaching partners to recognize these bodily signals as important boundaries rather than obstacles. Through careful attunement and challenging colonial narratives, couples can rediscover mutual desire.

The conversation takes a hopeful turn as Mauro describes a growing cohort of Black clinicians developing culturally-specific interventions. Rather than adapting "white models to Black folks," these pioneers are creating new pathways to sexual healing that honor the unique experiences of Black communities.

Anne Mauro is a Licensed Couples and Family therapist, American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapist (AASECT) certified sex therapist, sexuality educator, sex therapy supervisor, and American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) clinical supervisor. Her private practice is nestled in the interwebs on the unceded territory of the Coast Salish peoples in Washington State. She has two publications: More Than Ebony and Ivory: Complexities of sex therapy with interracial couples, can be found in An Intersectional Approach to Sex Therapy: Centering the lives of indigenous, racialized, and people of color and The Colonization of Black Sexualities: A clinical guide to relearning and healing. Anne is in continued service to the sexuality community by serving as the AASECT Western Representative to the nominating committee.

Notes from my guest Amy Furuyama:

• “I want to acknowledge that many interracial relationships between Asian women and white men are loving, respectful, and not rooted in fetishization. What I’m sharing here comes from the experiences of some of my clients, not a reflection of every interracial relationship.”
• “Japan has formally acknowledged its role in the wartime sexual enslavement of Korean women. However, many Koreans feel that the apologies offered to date have not been sufficient or fully accepted.”

Episode Description: 

What happens when cultural values of harmony and collectivism collide with personal sexual boundaries? Amy Furuyama, a Korean American sex therapist, provides a revealing glimpse into how Asian American women navigate consent and unwanted sex within relationships shaped by traditional expectations.

The conversation explores how collectivist values in Asian cultures often prioritize family harmony over individual desires, creating situations where women feel obligated to consent to unwanted sex. "There's this idea of what keeps the family units in harmony," Furuyama explains, noting that women are frequently expected to yield to maintain peace, particularly within marriage. This cultural dynamic creates a troubling pattern where women's boundaries become secondary to relationship stability.

 The discussion delves into how historical trauma, like the "comfort women" phenomenon during Japanese occupation of Korea, may contribute to intergenerational patterns affecting bodily autonomy today.

Beyond cultural factors, the conversation examines how the hypersexualization of Asian women in Western media complicates matters, particularly in interracial relationships. These stereotypes often lead to objectification and assumptions about compliance that further undermine consent. Yet despite these challenges, Furuyama sees hope in younger generations who are determined to "break the generational trauma" and reclaim their sexual autonomy.

For clinicians, educators, and anyone concerned with healthy relationships, this discussion offers crucial insights into supporting women from collectivist cultures as they navigate the complex terrain of sexual consent. The conversation underscores that preventing trauma from unwanted sex requires comprehensive education about consent, boundaries, and communication that begins in childhood and respects cultural contexts while empowering individual choice.

Amy Furuyama is a 1.5 gen Korean American immigrant, licensed clinical social worker and sex therapist in Orange County, California. Amy is passionate about working with Asian American and BIPOC communities to help individuals reclaim their sexuality in a way that is empowering and life affirming.

Aubri Lancaster shares her expertise on asexuality and consent, introducing  frameworks like "favor vs. chore" and the spectrum from sex-favorable to sex-repulsed that apply to everyone regardless of orientation. She challenges our cultural understanding of intimacy and desire, offering practical tools for healthier relationships.

• Understanding consenting to unwanted sex - acknowledging when sex is consensual yet still unwanted
• Favor vs. chore framework - distinguishing between freely given acts and obligatory ones with consequences
• Consent tools including negotiation, safe words, and aftercare should be used in all sexual contexts, not just kink
• The spectrum from sex-favorable to sex-repulsed exists for everyone in different contexts
• Compulsory sexuality creates pressure that impacts everyone, especially asexual individuals
• Unbraiding different forms of intimacy (emotional, intellectual, sensual) creates more options
• Questioning the pathologization of low desire through diagnoses like HSDD
• Creating relationships where "a no is as welcome as a yes" 

Aubri Lancaster is an AASECT and ANTE UP! Certified Sexuality Educator. As a Greyromantic Asexual Jewish Femme, Aubri has lived experience and a connection to the Asexual and Aromantic communities that provides a unique perspective on the issues facing the changing landscape of sexuality and orientation. Aubri's services can be found at AceSexEducation.com including workshops, consulting, and training. She also offers free content on IG & TikTok at @AceSexEducation. When not working, Aubri spends her time with her spouse, her friends, her 8 year old, and her three adorable Chihuahuas.

Find Aubri Lancaster at www.acesexeducation.com

What happens when we say yes to sex we don't actually want? In this deeply insightful exploration of "duty sex," I sit down with Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fyfe to unpack the profound psychological impact of consenting to unwanted sexual experiences in long-term relationships.

My research has uncovered troubling patterns: when partners (particularly women in this study) consistently consent to sex they don't desire, it creates harmful dynamics that damage both individuals and their relationship. Far from being a simple matter of compromise, these patterns often stem from cultural and religious teachings that frame men as having sexual "needs" and women as responsible for fulfilling them.

Dr. Finlayson-Fyfe brings her expertise as both a PhD in counseling psychology and an LDS relationship coach to challenge our assumptions about sexual desire. She eloquently reframes sexual avoidance not as a disorder but as potential wisdom—your body signaling that something fundamental isn't working in your relationship. We examine how psychological control can create trauma-like responses even without physical coercion, and how both partners often unknowingly contribute to these dynamics.

The conversation takes a hopeful turn as we discuss pathways toward healthier sexuality. We explore how desire naturally thrives in freedom rather than obligation, and how developing what Dr. Finlayson-Fyfe calls "sexual integration" requires cultivating an internal compass rather than merely following external authorities. For couples caught in these patterns, change becomes possible when both partners can honestly examine their contributions and take responsibility for creating something mutually satisfying.

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is an LDS relationship and sexuality coach with a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. Her teaching and coaching focus on helping LDS individuals and couples create greater connection and passion in their emotional and sexual relationships.

In addition to her private practice, Dr. Finlayson-Fife has created five empowering and highly-reviewed online courses. Each course was designed to give LDS individuals and couples the tools requisite to creating healthier lives and stronger intimate relationships. Dr. Finlayson-Fife also offers many workshops and retreats where she teaches these life-changing principles in person.

Dr. Finlayson-Fife is a frequent guest on LDS-themed podcasts on the subjects of sexuality, relationships, mental health, and faith. She is also the creator and host of Room for Two, a popular sex and intimacy coaching podcast.

What if the problem isn't that you don't want sex, but that the sex you're having isn't worth wanting? This revolutionary perspective from Dr. Betty Martin, creator of the Wheel of Consent framework, challenges everything we've been taught about sexual desire.

In this illuminating conversation, Betty explains why many women find themselves caught in a pattern of consenting to unwanted sex, leading to resentment and even trauma symptoms over time. She reveals how cultural conditioning teaches women "to be wanted, not to want" while simultaneously disconnecting men from their own sensuality and emotional lives. The result? A widespread sexual dynamic where "he thinks he's serving and she thinks she's allowing" - with neither partner getting what they truly desire.

Betty unpacks how our earliest experiences teach us that touch is something that happens to us without our consent, setting the stage for passive relationships with physical intimacy. She challenges the limiting "gatekeeper model" of consent and offers a more expansive framework where both partners explore what they genuinely want to give and receive.

Most powerfully, she reframes sexual dissatisfaction not as a disorder but as valuable information. If you don't want the sex available to you, "it's actually a good sign that you don't want it" - your body is telling you something important! Through her Three Minute Game and other practices, Betty shows how couples can discover new forms of pleasurable connection that move beyond our cultural scripts about sex.

Betty Martin has had her hands on people professionally for over 40 years, first as a Chiropractor and upon retiring from that practice, as a certified Surrogate Partner, Sacred Intimate, and Somatic Sex Educator. Her explorations in somatic-based therapy and practices informed her creation of the framework, The Wheel of Consent®. You can find out more at www.bettymartin.org 

What happens when women repeatedly consent to sex they don't want? Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers, founder of the Northwest Institute on Intimacy and author of "Sex, God and the Conservative Church," joins us to explore this question with unexpected depth and historical context.

This conversation takes a fascinating turn as Dr. Tina traces how patriarchy, politics, and religious messaging converged to create a profound disconnect between women and their sexual agency. She reveals how the rise of the religious right in the late 1970s wasn't just about faith but part of a calculated political strategy that fundamentally changed how Americans view sexuality. While abstinence-only education created "a vacuum of actual knowledge," media deregulation flooded culture with harmful messaging about gender and sex.

Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers is a licensed sex and gender feminist psychotherapist, best-selling author, researcher, emeriti professor, and media personality whose expertise spans sex therapy, spiritual intimacy, parenting, medicine, and social justice.

 Her revolutionary perspectives have been expressed on platforms such as Spirituality & Health, Refinery 29, Vocal, Medium, and Bust Magazines, along with many podcast, radio, news, and TV outlets. Known for exposing the
impact of patriarchy and sexual shame on our ability to securely attach to our partners, and instruct our children to attach to theirs, Dr. Sellers’ book Sex, God, & the Conservative Church – Erasing Shame from Sexual Intimacy has
had a global impact. Her latest book, Shameless Parenting – Everything You Need to Raise Shame-free, Confident, Kids and Heal Your Shame Too! was a New Release Bestseller in eight categories. She speaks throughout the world on how to heal, and how to raise shame-free relationally confident children. In 2015, Dr. Sellers founded the Northwest Institute on Intimacy, a post-graduate institute to train psychotherapists, educators, clergy, and physicians in sexual
health, healing sexual shame and trauma, and understanding their sexual biases. 

In 2023, Dr. Tina founded InannaRising.org - A private membership community for psychedelic assisted therapists and medical providers to
get ongoing clinical consultation, collaboration, training, and support in creating scholarships for the under resourced, and participation in an indigenous reparation fund. Dr. Tina can be followed on Instagram
@DrTinaShameless. At Facebook  facebook.com/TinaSSellers  Online at www.TinaSchermerSellers.com

Research on consenting to unwanted sex reveals surprising trauma symptoms and resentment even without coercion, creating an internal "accountability conflict with yourself" when betraying your own boundaries.

• Shadeen Francis explains resentment as information revealing unmet needs or crossed boundaries.

Shadeen Francis is a licensed marriage and family psychotherapist and a board-certified sex therapist. Her expertise spans the domains of mental health, emotional intelligence, and the intersection of sexual wellness and social justice. A sought-after voice in her field, Shadeen has been featured on major networks including ABC, NBC, and CBS, and has been the subject matter expert for prominent brands such as Essence, Bumble, Tinder, and Teen Vogue. Shadeen's work extends beyond the therapy room, influencing nationally implemented curricula, global media strategies, and public health policies. Known for her signature brand of warmth and humour, Shadeen’s work is inspired by her commitment to helping people live lives full of peace and pleasure.  You can find her at www.shadeenfrancis.com

We dive into the complex world of "consenting to unwanted sex" with Al Vernacchio, a comprehensive sex educator who brings unique insights from his position at a Quaker school. Our conversation explores why many women agree to sex they don't desire and the cultural influences that create these situations.

Al Vernacchio, MSEd teaches at Friends' Central School in Wynnewood, PA. He is the Coordinator of Gender, Sexuality, and Consent Education, a Senior Staff member in the department of Institutional Diversity, Equity, and Justice, and is also a member of the Upper School English department.  Al is forthright, funny, and compassionate as he supports students, school communities, and families to develop healthy sexuality in young people of all ages.

A nationally recognized expert in human sexuality education for over 30 years, Al has lectured, published articles, and offered workshops throughout the country. His work has been featured in “Teaching Good Sex”, a November 20, 2011 cover story in The
New York Times Magazine. Al has given four TED Talks, and has appeared on
national programs such as NPR’s “Morning Edition”, “1A”, and “Radio Times”.
He is the author of For Goodness Sex: A Sex-Positive Guide to Raising Healthy, Empowered Teens published in a revised and expanded edition in April, 2023.

Al earned his BA in Theology from St. Joseph's University and his MSEd in
Human Sexuality Education from the University of Pennsylvania.

What happens when women repeatedly say "yes" to sex they don't actually want? The answer might surprise—and disturb—you.

Dr. Cami Hurst pulls back the curtain on her groundbreaking PhD research examining the hidden consequences of "duty sex" in long-term relationships. Drawing from over 1,300 women's experiences, she reveals striking findings that challenge our understanding of consent and sexual health.

Most disturbingly, 53% of women who consented to unwanted sex with their partners developed moderate to high PTSD-like symptoms, despite no history of sexual assault or physical coercion. These women reported significant emotional distress, relationship strain, and sexual aversion that compounded over time. One participant captured this perfectly: "The cycle of duty sex and resentment has killed any kind of emotional intimacy in our relationship."

The research illuminates a troubling reality—that unrecognized verbal and emotional coercion permeates many bedrooms, with 82% of participants experiencing pressure after initially refusing sex. As one woman put it, "He was never coercive, only pouty and mad at me. It was easier to consent than to deal with his emotions."

This episode serves as an introduction to an upcoming series featuring diverse cultural experts exploring how different communities experience this phenomenon. Dr. Hurst aims to expand beyond her homogeneous sample to understand how cultural factors may contribute to or protect against these patterns.

Whether you're struggling with sexual desire discrepancies in your own relationship, working as a therapist with couples facing intimacy issues, or simply interested in relationship dynamics, this research provides crucial insights into why consent alone isn't enough. Share your experiences or thoughts by emailing [email protected], and join us as we explore this important conversation over the coming year.