Shame is a universal emotion, but it is based on our own personal stories. Long ago you developed stories of right and wrong; good and evil. You then used those stories to direct your behavior. If you acted “wrongly” according to your story, shame likely resulted. Because shame is painful, you avoid it or blame someone else for how you feel. Shame may stop you from taking action because of anticipated failure. Everyone makes mistakes, but it’s your story about right and wrong that triggers your individual shame. When you’re able to recognize shame as a product of your story rather than a universal right or wrong, it becomes easier to break apart.

Let’s say a friend told you a secret about someone, but later you learned that friend told a bunch of other people… so you figured it wasn’t really a secret. As a result, you told someone else in your friend group, but when it got back to the person who told you, she got really upset. Everyone turned against you, so you felt shame based on your story that you’re a bad person. You’re not objectively a bad person, but shame feeds into that belief about yourself. Someone else may shrug it off, not feeling any shame because they didn’t believe they did anything wrong. Your stories will control you if you don’t realize they are the source of your shame, which can lead to a life of limitation and playing small. Break down the stories, realizing they aren’t universal truths, and you can start to ease those shameful feelings.