Ep34 - A Unicorn For Christmas (2021)

"Discover the magic of Christmas"

"Mom is getting frustrated at the lack of kombucha sales but Dad reassures her if they can get a petting zoo off the ground and they can get a kombucha stand off the ground. But I'm not exactly sure how they think they got a petting zoo off the ground because it's been exactly 3 days and also I'm not sure how those two things are analogous but whatever magic of Christmas or some b******* like that."

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Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

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Ep 33 - "ThanksKilling" 2008

"Gobble, Gobble, Mother F*cker"


" . . . So the jock decides to meet up with the gang at the Rednecks house minus the hoe to commiserate and have a beer cuz that makes more sense than calling the police or trying to stop the turkey or quit acting. The hoe however is at her house with random dude and … I’ll spare you the details, but it’s the turkey rape scene. 

A more disturbing moment has never been caught on Cinema before or after non-consensual ghost puppet poultry beastiality and this is supposed to be a comedy.

Ever want to know what a turkey looks like having an orgasm? Boy then you are in luck. The turkey delivers the zinger “You’ve been stuffed” before putting her out of our misery . . . "

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Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

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Ep 32 - The Curse of Halloween Jack - 2018

"He's back for those who killed him"

" . . . One year later, the Sheriff of Nottingham’s daughter is making his bangers and mash or spotted dick or whatever English people eat for breakfast … Oh wait, it's probably an English breakfast. When he gets a call that the victim's brother off'd himself at the site they buried Cain because he couldn’t stand being in such a terrible movie anymore . . ."

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Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

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Ep 31 - Spirit Halloween (The Movie) - 2022

"Possessing theaters this fall."

". . . The boys hide inside the props of the store and wait to be locked inside at closing time. The seasonal Spirit Halloween store is well organized and fully stocked, with never-opened costume packaging … on Halloween night, instead of looking like a store that has been looted multiple times. No licensed costumes or costumes changed just enough to not be copyright infringement like Italian Plumber Man, Midweek Goth Girl, or Stabby Fist Sideburns Guy. At least the floors are sh*tty and dirty so that feels authentic . . . "

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Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

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Ep 30 - Retrograde (2004)

"In the past... Lies our future"

"Dolphy is being sent two hundred years in the past to prevent space bacteria from being unfrozen in Antarctica. Hey, wait a minute that’s this year. I’m sure that’s just a co-winky dink. It’s fine. It’ll be fine. With him is about a half dozen other people who are genetically superior, don’t worry one of them is a black woman, to make sure we don’t mistake them for nazis. It’s not like Dolph is short for Adolph or anything. Suddenly, all the future people wearing all-black motorcycle leathers mutiny on the half wearing black and red motorcycle racing leathers. A shootout ensues and soon everyone on Dolph’s side is dead, but he bravely fights his way into the cockpit. Heh, cockpit. There he shoots someone dead, and there’s a pool of blood under the dead body. I don’t mean he bleeds out. I mean in a fraction of a second a large human-sized pool of blood there, It’s fine though. Having borrowed the CGI software from the folks who made the Scorpion King, the spaceship, and … well … all of outer space leaves a lot to be desired. "

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Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

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Ep 29 - Cross (2011)

"To stop an ancient evil, it's going to take big guns, hard sticks, and exploding balls."

" ... So as any good police officer would do he yells at her and waves in her face until she wakes up, which works, even though we’ve already established she slept through a needle being put in her arm. She is understandably confused and asks “Where am I?” To which our detective replies, and this is a direct quote “Oh honey you’re in heaven, You're in heaven, and I’m god. Okay. Say hi god.” The actress at this point looks genuinely confused, and I like to imagine it’s because Sizemore went off-script. After all, he only did this movie as a favor and we’re not paying him enough to memorize lines or do a second take..." 

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Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

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Episode 28 - The Crawling Hand (1963)

Astronaut Ordered Blown Up!!!

"They frolic on the beach, and when he talks about marriage, she tries to run away, so he flings her around before tackling her, It’s supposed to be romantic I think. But she falls face down looking at a dismembered and not yet crawling hand and forearm, or at least it appears to be one inside an astronaut flight suit glove and sleeve. She’s understandably upset and wants to leave. Her Boyfriend wants to take it home with him, and believe it or not, she’s not on board with that idea. So he goes back in the middle of the night for it, That seems like an idea that will end well.  But he wraps it up in a bag takes it home and puts it in his aunt's house’s pantry."

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Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

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Ep27 - Future Kick (1991)

"A personal quest for vengeance, a high tech race for survival"

... The head henchman goes rogue and kills his boss the corrupt police chief, and we’re into the final action sequence where our cyborg and the grieving widow take turns chasing and running from the head henchman and the second in command. Like all action sequences in this movie, calling this an action sequence is like calling speed walking a 100-meter dash. Our hero seems to have only one move kicking, and the villains seem to only know how to punch. It’s awkward and weird screen combat at its doofyist, and more importantly, robbed me of the chance to say “Everybody was king fu fighting.” When they give up on the hand-to-foot combat and decide to shoot at each other it’s obvious who’s getting shot, because the exploding blood packs are visible under clothing before they explode. All the other kids with their future kicks, are able to run, able to run faster than the bullets .... 

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Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

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Butt Boy (2019)

"Sometimes the only way out... is in..."

" ... Our real hero however now finds himself inside Chip’s butt, a set that looks a lot like a random cave from an alien planet on Star Trek the next generation, but a lot more … fecal. Which is exactly how I always pictured the inside of my butthole. He quickly finds the missing child, the dog, and everything else Chip has put in his pooper. This brings up some rather interesting logistical questions like, what do they eat? The movie answers this question. I am not ..." 

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Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

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Day of the Warrior (1996)

"The L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies Are Back!"


"... There’s a great deal of this movie is spent moving from place to place. Whether it be by car, boat, plane, rollerblading, or even by foot no distance is too far to travel to exchange two lines of dialogue and then move on to the next location. At one point someone drives a jeep in a circle just to deliver a single line. It’s like they wanted to show off all the cool high-end luxury vehicles they could, and then realized they could only afford mid-range sedans, but went ahead with it anyway.

The Warrior just sits around in his wrestling gear, and face paint, covered in baby oil, inside a wrestling ring, and runs his criminal empire, and then when he ever so briefly sits down at the computer, loses all personality. He attempts to remove some of his face paint, and on the right side of his face it’s already gone, but that does not stop him from trying to remove it anyway. No.  three times, no. He then attempts to remove face paint from the left side and misses completely. He then tries to remove the non-existent face paint from his right side again. He then tries a fifth time to remove the makeup from his right side, then misses on the left again, before a sixth attempt to remove nonexistent face paint on the right side.  Did he get baby oil in his eyes? What’s happening here? What are you doing?  ... "

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Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

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