Silver Screen Cesspool

Invasion Of The Bee Girls  - 1973

"They'll love the very life out of your body!"

We cut to a pastoral grassy countryside with rolling hills when a naked dude pops up behind the hill.  Before I could even ask, “What da fuq?” a very naked woman on a dirty dirt bike rolls on up. They embrace and roll around the grass long enough to create a crop circle. And being bang, boom, buzz, and he's dead. 

Then, another dead body shows up. Then another. And another. Eventually, 8 bodies over 3 days. So they have to call a press conference to announce that all these men have died of sexual exhaustion. I believe the technical term for this is Death By Snu Snu. Also, based on the sex scenes later in this movie, men reach complete sexual exhaustion after 3 minutes tops. That kinda stings. As a warning to the straight men out there, if your woman makes a buzzing sound when she’s aroused, she’s gonna kill you bee woman style. Or she has a vibrator. One of the two. 

Send us a text

Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

(((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0)))

SilverScreenCesspool.com

Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool

Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool

I Was a Teenage Wereskunk (2016)

“It will scare the smell out of you.”

Who’d have thunk he’d be a teenage wereskunk? This is the question the theme song asks, and the answer is absolutely nobody. 

Absolutely no one in this movie passes for a teenager either, like … not even close. The film is set in the 1950s, and I think some of these actors were actual teenagers in the 1950s. One guy is so noticeably not a teenager you’d swear the casting agent thought they were shooting a porn set in a high school. 

Send us a text

Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

(((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0)))

SilverScreenCesspool.com

Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool

Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool

Breakin' 2 : Electric Boogaloo - 1984

"If you can't beat the system...break it!"

In the first "Breakin’" movie, they rocked down to Electric Avenue. In "Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo," they will take it even higher. The 1984 movie "Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo" has the rare honor of being a movie that is only famous for its name. This is a shame because it should be remembered as Ice-T’s big acting break. 

The movie stars Adolfo 'Shabba-Doo' Quinones as Turbo, Michael “Bugaloo Shrimp” Chambers as Ozone, and Lucinda “Smart Enough Not to Have a Nickname” Dickey as Kelly. 

Send us a text

Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

(((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0)))

SilverScreenCesspool.com

Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool

Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool

Monster Brawl (2011)

"It's the fight of the living dead!"

As a rule, a movie’s quality drops by 20% for every professional wrestler in the cast. The obvious exceptions are Andre the Giant in "Princess Bride," Hulk Hogan in "Rocky III," and Governor Jessie 'The Body' Ventura in "Predator." But with this rule in mind, this movie has a 100% drop in quality from casting alone. 

Send us a text

Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

(((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0)))

SilverScreenCesspool.com

Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool

Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool

National Treasure - 2004

"In order to break the code, one man will have to break all the rules."

The movie is “Ernest Saves the DaVinci Code,” but not quite that smart.

Send us a text

Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

(((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0)))

SilverScreenCesspool.com

Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool

Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool

Hercules Reborn - 2014

"A Fallen Hero Rises Again"

Starring John Hannigan, aka John Morrison aka Johnny Nitro, aka Johnny Mundo, aka Johnny Impact, aka Johnny TV, aka Johnny Caballero, aka Johnny Blaze, aka Johnny Elite, aka Johnny Fusion, aka Johnny Hardy, aka Johnny Spade, aka Johnny Superstar, aka Johnny Jacob Jingle Himmer Schmitt

Send us a text

Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

(((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0)))

SilverScreenCesspool.com

Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool

Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool

Tammy and the T-Rex (1994)

"He's The Coolest Pet In Town!"

Starring Denise Richards and Paul Walker

Send us a text

Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

(((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0)))

SilverScreenCesspool.com

Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool

Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool

"He emancipated the slaves... he saved the Union... and slaughtered the undead!"

Tonight’s moronic movie is Abraham Lincoln Vs Zombies from the Asylum. That's actually the studio name, the asylum, not where they live … I don’t think. So the movie starts with an event left out of the history books,  as momma Lincoln apparently was a zombie, and rather than kill her, poppa Lincoln shot himself, leaving a 9-year-old Abe to kill momma with a scythe. Frankly, if that had been taught in my history class in high school, my grades would have been much better.

So according to this movie, four score and seven minutes later, Abe was brought forth upon a most excellent adventure. Soon after the Battle of Gettysburg, zombies began to rise, and unlike most zombie movies, it’s not a scientist trying to warn the government about zombies; the commander-in-chief has some unique insight into the zombie problem. This highly unique insight into the zombie problem is that zombies exist.  And the 16th POTUS plans on killing as many of them as possible with his trusty child-size scythe. This is a helpful plot point to distinguish this movie from the much more popular Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. 

Send us a text

Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

(((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0)))

SilverScreenCesspool.com

Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool

Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool

Chatterbox (1977)

"She talks with her what?"

Tonight's Film Flop is the 1977 film “Chatterbox.” To summarize the plot of this movie in a manner that's podcast-friendly... It's about a woman who discovers one day that her box can chatter. When she says, “Read my lips” it really is a multiple-choice question. Her Va-jay-jay has a lot to say-say.

Anyway, her chatterbox has a mind of its own, and has a lot to talk about, and is as sassy as Rip Taylor, who incidentally co-stars in this movie. Apparently, Virginia the Vagina also has ambitions of a singing career, so hijinx ensues as the singing career takes off.

Send us a text

Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

(((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0)))

SilverScreenCesspool.com

Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool

Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool

Trump vs. The Illuminati  (2020)

"The ultimate battle."

Tonight’s CGI cinematic stinker is “Trump vs the Illuminati.” 

The year is 3024, and the earth was destroyed 1000 years ago when Donald Trump started a nuclear war. The last survivor of the human race lives on Mars, and he’s a Chinese-made exact clone of Donald Trump, except he’s immortal and has huge hands. For … uhm … reasons he’s become the center of the war been The Illuminati, who are aliens led by Allister Crowly, who sounds suspiciously like the Mark Hammil joker, and the Atlanteans (or possibly Atlanta-ians, it’s unclear if they’re supposed to be from Atlantis or Atlanta) who are also aliens, lead in part by Van Helsing. 

As the last human alive, Trump spends most of the film darkly brooding, narrating his life and pondering the meaning of existence. He monologues a lot. The Illuminati monologue a lot. The citizens of Atlanta monologue a lot. Alister Crowley and Van Helsing make constant sex jokes. At one point, he challenges the Illuminati to a dance-off and does his best Napoleon Dynamite impression. 

Send us a text

Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

(((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0)))

SilverScreenCesspool.com

Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool

Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool