Silver Screen Cesspool

Getting Lucky (1989)

"Middlevale High has Cheerleaders, Jocks, Nerds ... and a Leprechaun!"

"Turns out Lucky is pretty shitty at his wish-granting.  Bill wishes for a date with Chrissy, which he gets and takes her to the drive-in. But Chrissy decides to bone the other dude in the back seat on her way to the bathroom and Bill then again interrupts them. Then Bill wishes for a Lamborgini and he gets a pinto. 

The quarterback of the basketball team is understandably pissed after being cock blocked twice, but Lucky decides to stand up for him by making him hit himself with his tennis racket before basketball class. Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.  Why are you hitting yourself? And then he shoves it up his ass."

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Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

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Win A Date With Tad Hamilton (2004)

"In every love story, there's only room for one leading man."

" ... So hot chick decides to enter said content and raise the $100 entry fee, with the help of her wacky friend. In a matter of 15 seconds, without even the aid of a video montage, she's achieved her goal. This mildly annoys Eric, but he doesn't say why ... oh the suspense. What could he possibly be thinking when he gives her that dreamy look, and then later mocks the idea of her dating someone, then writes her name in his notebook with hearts and stars and flowers?

The movie isn't called "Win a Date With Tad Hamilton" for nothing, so guess what happens next. Surprise! She wins a date, with ... are you ready? ... George Hamilton! I bet you thought I was going to say Tad Hamilton. Well, actually she did win a date with Tad Hamilton, but I wanted to demonstrate to the writers of the movie how to put surprises in your writing ..."

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Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

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Horror At Party Beach (1964)

"WEIRD! Ghoulish atomic beasts who live off human blood!"

"... Do you ever find it annoying in musicals when dance numbers break out and everyone suddenly knows all the moves? Well, that’s not a problem in this movie, because the party beachgoers only kind of know the movies, and are in no way in sync with each other. I’m pretty sure one guy skipped rehearsals together. But the local motorcycle gang shows up to put an end to the lack of choreography. Our abusive alcoholic is making goo-goo eyes at the leader of the pack. Then she starts dancing with him, while the boyfriend goes off and flirts with some other girl. Either break up or go to couples counseling already. 

Our second musical number starts and it’s called the wiggle wobble. If you can imagine a dance move inspired by trying to shake a large dingleberry loose from between your butt cheeks, then you can imagine the wiggle wobble. Also, this movie claims to be a musical, but really they just have a band playing in several scenes and people dancing to it. I think musical is a bit of a stretch but whatever. This is more of a movie with music in it. ... " 

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Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

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Trail Of The Screaming Forehead (2007)

Who Can Sleep With Brows On The Prowl?

"... Tonight’s Film Fart is “Trail of the Screaming Forehead” from 2007. Filmed in craniovision. And unlike some other cinematic cesspools I’ve reviewed here, this movie has faces you might recognize, like that guy who played the evil TV station owner in the Weird Al movie “UHF,” and that guy who played a cab driver on “Spencer for Hire” in one episode. Also, I think the bartender was in Gremlins. 

So the plot is clearly based on a fever dream based on a misheard lyric of They Might Be Giants. A sentient alien forehead is taking over people’s brains in the town of Longhead Bay. No, scratch that. Taking over people's foreheads, because people think with their foreheads, not their brains. The scientist, Doctor Shiela who postulated this theory thinks that the scientific community has rejected it, because she's a woman, and not because it's horribly, horribly stupid..."

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Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

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Robot Monster (1953) 

"Moon Monsters Launch Attack Against Earth!"


" ... A young boy and a girl are playing outside at what appears to be the Mayberry Rock quarry. The boy shoots his toy laser pistol at the girl and her doll. They run around and stumble onto two scientists who are removing random rocks from the wall of the mouth of a cave so they can send them to a museum.  Because that’s how geology works. 'Here’s a random rock. Off to the museum, it goes!'  My entire unpaved driveway is currently on display at the Smithsonian. 

The mother and older sister of these children run up apologize to the scientists for the kids bothering them, and then remind the kids they promised to take a nap after the picnic they just had. The kids reluctantly agree, after some gentle prodding by the younger scientist who has the hots for the older sister.  They return to the picnic blanket,  where the boy asks his mom, and this is a direct quote, “Say are we ever going to have a new father around our house?” What the absolute f*ck? Is the robot monster the name of the person who wrote the dialogue? “Are we ever going to have a new father around our house?’ Sure son, I’ll pick one up at five and dime on the way home from the market tomorrow. I think I saw a coupon for 10% off fathers in the Sunday paper ..." 

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Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

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Doll Shark (2022)

"Warning: Dying Hazard"

There are two well-known tropes in the world of Horror Movies. The killer shark and the haunted doll. But what if, and hear me out now, we combine these two into one movie? I present the sh*tty cinema known as “Doll Shark” from 2022. 

The movie opens with a dude-bro with a sharp stick, standing on a poorly rendered CGI wooden dock in the rain, hunting stock footage of a shark in poorly rendered water. He kills the shark with the sharp stick, reaches into the now Halloween mask shark’s mouth, and pulls out a tooth. And as any good father would do, he stuffs it into a county fair softball tossing stuffed animal prize dissimilar enough from Baby Shark not to be copyright infringement and then mails it to his kid. The package arrives at the kid's house, where mom is half a bottle deep into wine o’clock. The kid loves the gift and sleeps with it that night. 

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Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

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Nude on the Moon (1961)

"Man discovers a nature camp on the moon!"

Odds are you’ve never of the 1961 movie “Nude on the Moon,” but if its name sounds familiar that’s because in 2002 the name was borrowed by the B-52’s for their double-disc CD anthology. 

Where this movie starts to go off the rails is when the scientists are ready to do their cosmic thing. You see they don’t want to attract a crowd so they don’t tell the press they’re going to the moon. This allows them to take off from their private Idaho. And because building spaceships, even prop ones, we don’t even get to see the outside of the ship except from extreme close up, or extremely far away. On the way to the moon in the sky (called the moon), both of them spontaneously fall into a deep sleep.

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Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

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Carne: The Taco Maker (2013)


The 2013 film “Carne: The Taco Maker” is the story of Don Taco and the delicious tacos he makes. Don Taco sells his delicious tacos via street cart on the streets of Beverly Hills, California. It's a bit of a local institution, and while everyone loves his delicious tacos, it’s said that the taste varies from person to person. That joke will pay off later, I promise. 

Except for the occasional heckler who accuses him of serving up Beverly Hills Chiuwua, no one bothers to question where the delicious taco meat comes from because that’s kind of a weird thing to do. Except for the local health inspector, whose job is to do that, he only questions it when the answer is a bribe.

But as it turns out, they should be questioning “Where’s the beef” is because that’s not beef. It’s something sinister. It’s people! Soylent Tacos are made of people!!! 

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Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

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Beaster Day: Here Comes Peter Cottonhell! (2014)

You haven't a hop in hell!

There is no explanation for this bald-faced, snaggled-toothed giant rabbit; it just shows up on the doorstep like an Amazon Prime subscribe and save purchase. 

Our protagonist is a bitter second-place runner-up for dog catcher of the year. This is the saddest excuse for a rivalry in a movie, action, or comedy category. 

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Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

(((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0)))

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Cowboys vs. Dinosaurs (2015)

"Let the Best Species Win"

The movie is set in present-day Montana, so unfortunately, the titular Cowboys are the modern-day rodeo type and not the Wild West type. This is disappointing, but not as disappointing as if it were the starting lineup of this year's Dallas Cowboys. The movie opens with a mining company blowing up something in the mine and releasing velociraptors who straight up kill everyone in sight. It is fantastic that they’re playing to their strengths here and not bothering with any of that pesky backstory or plot. 

We cut to the local but unofficial swimmin’ hole, where four young ladies have decided to go swimming. It’s like they’ve never even seen a killer shark movie to know how much danger they’re in. Or maybe it’s the irresistabable appeal of the cool water in the tropical heat of Montana in early fall. After talking for about thirty seconds, one of them, Sky, announces that they have to go to work and then leaves, taking their only vehicle. Seriously, what was the plan supposed to be here? Luckily, a boyfriend-type person had shown up, so the other girls stayed, and after splashing in the water for a bit, they all got disemboweled by a velociraptor. 

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Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo

(((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0)))

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