Dating rules abound in books and online, telling us how to behave and how not to behave in order to meet The One. “Wear something sexy, but not too sexy,” “Never talk about your ex,” “Wait four days after a date to call or text.” What? Why? Fear and scarcity drive many to seek out just the right formula so they won’t screw it up, allowing their perfect mate to slip away. Unfortunately rules are not the answer to a fulfilling relationship because they are the opposite of authentic.

How can someone get to know you if you don’t reveal the real you? Of course you want to put your best foot forward on a first date, but it needs to be your own foot. When you’re so focused on the other person and their perception of you, you aren’t present to your own feelings. And I bet you aren’t enjoying yourself because you are so focused on performing in the hopes of landing a second date! When done right, dating is an opportunity to get to know the other person AND yourself. What do you respond to? What’s important to you? What can you learn?

Those who are seeking a healthy relationship respond more to authenticity and vulnerability than they do to perfection. When I first started dating my boyfriend, we were both open books. We shared all sorts of details, hiding nothing about who we were and our experiences. To both of us, that was sexy. When you aren’t you, you miss those points of connection. If you’re looking for a meaningful relationship, it’s time to throw out the dating rule book and get real. Be open, be honest, be vulnerable, be you. You’ll not only have more fun, you’ll start attracting more of what you truly want.