Sisu for Life

"How did you end up with someone like that?" "How did you end up in a domestic violence situation?" People always want to know. There were a number of factors that played a part in leading me towards someone that had plenty of red flags. This episode covers how an incident in the Army, a failing marriage, feeling lost, overwhelmed, and desperation became the perfect concoction for missing the signs. TRIGGER WARNING: This episode contains details that may be difficult for some listeners. Discretion is advised.

"Couldn't you have beat him up?" Don't you have thousands of dollars worth of training?" "How did you manage to get abused?" "You must not have been very good at being a soldier then." The fact that I used to be a soldier often gets used against me when I try to talk about domestic violence. People want to focus on that one detail, and that detail alone seems to distract them from the fact that we are still human, and we can still break.

Empathy has often led me to put others before myself. It has always had a way of leading me to the broken. While I couldn't imagine myself being any other way, the act of wearing my heart so openly on my sleeve has brought pain, sorrow, and suffering.

What does sisu have to do with it? This is a quick episode to explain sisu. Sisu, along with what I had learned in the Army, helped me to keep going when I was ready to give up.

The Sisu For Life Podcast covers content from, "The Gaslit Heart: A Story of Service and Survival." It has been created for those that do not have access to the book, or for those that struggle with reading about traumatic events. 

Empathy has felt like both a gift and a curse in my life. I have the ability to feel and the willingness to go through Hell to help another person survive in their darkest hours. Although, after experiencing trauma, my willingness to help others became toxic. I became too willing to allow others to take until I had nothing left, all because I was afraid to be alone with myself for too long. It was in that isolation I could feel myself turning; shoving myself closer and closer to the ledge. To avoid jumping, my purpose became using all my broken pieces to fix the holes in others. (pt. 1)

For the first time, I am sharing audio recordings that were taken during the domestic violence. The clip that is shared in this episode is of me four years ago, coming to terms with my mistakes. Using a recording device to have a conversation out loud with myself, I work through the failed marriage and the relationships that followed. Audio isn't the best quality since it was recorded using an old computer.

It is finally here, The Gaslit Heart: A Story of Service and Survival. This is my second book and it is now available. This episode covers the reason behind writing the book and where you can find your copy!

"Why didn't you leave?" My mind was in total disarray. The gaslighting left me feeling confused, broken, and like I deserved the horrible treatment. I was alone and I had been stripped of my self-worth and confidence. I couldn't leave when I felt it was up to me to fix everything. I couldn't leave when I felt like there was no place else to go.