Sitting in a Car

Here it is: ‘How do you discuss sexual desire with adolescents?

And without shame?’

This is such a great question –

and it's not just a question for parents of adolescents. 

It's a question that relates to kids of all ages.

Because when we talk about desire, 

we’re actually talking about self-awareness. 

We’re talking about openness. 

We’re talking about how we speak up for the things we need and want.

And we’re also talking about how we push back against the shame that might keep us quiet or small 

and not able to speak about what we want.

We've lots to say on this wonderful and important topic. 

And lots of tips for you, for when you have convos about this – 

including how to chat to your teenagers, 

and want more privacy, and mightn't want to chat to YOU about any of this at all!

This week’s parent question is:

‘Should I tell my 10-year-old not to tell his sister about sex?

She’s 8. I haven’t discussed it with either of them yet.’

This week, Sarah chats about how we create a feeling in our family, where our kids know we're allowed to talk about sex?

For ideas about how to create a culture of openness and ‘it’s ok’-ness in your family

(with some ideas and scripts for you) listen to this weeks episode.                                                                                                                                                                                                           

x Sarah

Ps. Sometimes, listening to podcasts is not enough to get comfortable talking with our kids about puberty, bodies and s=e=x=. If you want ongoing support to learn how to start conversations about puberty, bodies and sex visit www.sarahsproule.com/easier to find out more about my programme. It’s called Sensitive Conversations (Made Easier).

And it does what is says it will do. It makes this part of parenting easier.

Follow Sarah on Instagram

I’ve a story for you this week.

It’s about a very hard thing that happened when I was young.

And I very much needed a sit-down conversation with my parents.

 

(The full story is in this week’s video and podcast – 4 mins)

 

And this week I am answering the question ‘Should “a talk” be more formal, or more relaxed?’

 

But, you know what?

 

In my family, with my own kids,

we don’t really have a lot of formal, serious, sit-down type convos.

 

But we do talk. About some big stuff.

 

And here’s the thing.

You can actually have plenty of ‘talks’

where it doesn’t happen in a formal, sitting-down way.

 

You can chat in the car. (As we do here every week!)

You can chat while walking the dogs.

Or doing some other thing your family does all the time.

 

A ‘talk’ doesn’t have to look like a board meeting.

 

And that’s great news.

 

Because it means you can think about how YOUR family works.

How do you chat about things as a family?

How you decide things?

Where are your own comfort zones?

 

What does your older kid(s) need, for ‘buy-in’ (to actually listen to you, and hear you).

:)

 

When you know the answer to those questions ☝ then you can figure out YOUR ways to ‘talk’ from there.

 

For more about how to have the big talks and the ‘small and often’ talks,

and to hear my little story about a really big talk that involved quite a lot of crying,

listen to the podcast (4 mins).

Hi there,

What do you remember from when you were a kid?   Do you have a memory of upsetting the adults around you?   Were they upset because you were talking about a topic they didn’t think was ok for kids?   Some of us have memories like that from when we were children.   And that sort of memory might prevent us from doing what is helpful and right for our kids.   This week on Sitting In a Car, I read a story like that from a mum.   A long time ago, this mum got into trouble with her aunt for telling her cousin information about puberty, periods and more.   I want to get clear about something, right now (I’m using my serious voice so listen up!)   Even though adults were upset and cross with her, it DOES NOT MEAN she was saying or doing the wrong thing.   Did you hear me?   She probably wasn’t wrong.   I’d even bet a lot of money that she definitely wasn’t wrong, actually.   That’s how sure I am that what she was talking about when she was younger was ok for her cousin.   You see, most adults in our past would have said far too little to their children about bodies etc.   Those adults thought they were doing the right thing.   But they weren’t. They really weren’t. Nope.   SO now you are left trying to do the best for your own kid(s) even though you weren’t shown how to talk easily about bodies and puberty. Or babies and s=e=x.   The good news is that you can still learn how to do this part of parenting even better. You can break the cycle of embarrassment.   Your child can grow up remembering easy, open conversations with their parent about their bodies, puberty and s=e=x=.   And maybe your child will remember absolutely nothing out of the ordinary because talking about bodies felt so normal and comfortable.   If you want that for your child, I’ve got extra goodies for you this week.   My FREE workshop series ‘Become a Comfortable Parent’ starts next Monday the 25th May.   Next week, you can get your questions answered. And you can learn the first steps to make talking with your kid(s) more comfortable and natural.   You’ll have a chance to learn with me for a whole week.   Plus I’ll be running a competition for you to win a free book to read to your kid(s)
(I’ll recommend a book that’s exactly right for your family.)   Can’t ask for better than that, right?
Click here (www.sarahsproule.com/comfortable) to save your place and I’ll see you on the other side.   x Sarah

PS. Don’t forget to save your place on Become a Comfortable Parent ( www.sarahsproule.com/comfortable). I don’t run this workshop series very often so come and join me. I’d love to see you.   Follow Sarah on Instagram    Visit Sarah's website  

‘My 9-year-old son is very self-conscious every morning with an erection. How can I talk to him?’

 

This week’s episode has something for everyone, not just people with a pen-is.

 

Because it’s not REALLY about pen-ises and erections.

 

It’s about: how do we help our kids grow up without body shame?

 

Since we are all hanging around with our kids in the house so much more right now, this question might be more relevant for you.

 

You might have noticed things about your child(ren) that you’ve not noticed before.

 

The thing about body shame is this.

 

If our kid(s) feel shame about their bodies, then they’re less able to be confident about their body and their whole self.

 

When they’re less confident, they’re less able to speak up for what they need to keep themselves safe and happy.

 

Not just in their everyday life but in their future intimate lives too.

 

So the thing that’s so great about this question is that there are lessons here for us no matter what sort of child we are raising.

 

Because shame about bodies, is not something that only happens to people with pen-ises. It happens to all of us.

 

 

And there are things we can do, to help our kids avoid this shame.

 

We can give our child permission to have a body that looks and does whatever it needs to, even if our young person feels uncomfortable about it.

 

 

We can say, “This is a normal thing that bodies do”. 

We can talk about how funny it is that people don’t talk about this normal thing that bodies do.

 

And we (the caring adult) can take responsibility for the fact that, up til now, we might not haven’t talked inside our family about all the sorts of normal things that bodies do.

 

 

I have a story for you this week.

It’s about something that happened to me when I was giving birth to one of my kids.

 

 

I had an experience of feeling shame and shock about something my body was doing.

 

Nobody had spoken to me about this unpleasant thing, even though it was very common and normal.

 

 

So believe me, I get this.

And I bet you do too.

 

 

And by the way, it’s ok if you find this part of parenting hard!

We have some great scripts and ideas for you, to make it easier.

 

Watch this episode here, or listen to the podcast version, on iTunes or Spotify.

 

x Sarah

 

Ps. Would you like some extra support with these sorts of conversations?

 

On May 25th at 8pm I’m starting my FREE webinar series called Become A Comfortable Parent.

 

Save your spot here (link www.sarahsproule.com/comfortable) so you don’t miss out.

 

Can’t wait to hang out with you soon!

 

 

Hey there,

This week, a parent has asked me,

‘Can you talk about contraception with 11 and 12 year olds?’

So, some of you know that I live in Ireland.

And I go in to schools to talk to 11- and 12-year-olds about sexuality, puberty and relationships.

Here in Ireland, information about contraception is NOT on the school curriculum for that age group.

But the World Health Organisation says that children of this age can understand the basics of how contraception works much younger that 11.

So…

To raise confident and caring young people who respect themselves and the people around them we need to lay the groundwork for all sort of topics from an early age.  

That means we can give our young kids basic information that they can build on as they grow up.

So that when our young person gets to an age where they actually NEED info about contraception, we’ve already given them the basics before they get too embarrassed to listen to us.

We have given them some accurate information that helps them make good decisions about their own health and happiness.

So yes, we can talk about it!

Not cos they need the information right now. Or anytime soon.

But because frankly it’s easier to chat about it to your kid when they are younger – you can tell them people can plan a family, and that we’re able to decide when and if we choose to create new humans – so that by the time your kid is a super awkward teen who might need this info, :) they already have the basics of it.

And not only that.

You’ve also created a culture in your family, over time, where it’s ok and normal to talk openly about these things.

We’ve a lot more to say on this super important topic.

Stuff about: not everyone can make new humans.

Stuff about: the myths that your kids might hear.

Stuff about: STIs, and fertility issues, and other things too.

So, yes – especially if it’s not on the curriculum where you live, you have a great opportunity to chat about that stuff at home.

For more,  listen to this week's episode.

This week, a parent asks,

‘Does consent always have to be verbalised?’

What a great question this is.

Because words do indeed make things so much simpler!

Words are so much simpler than having to interpret body language, and whatever else.

Because all that stuff is HARD.

And you know what? It’s hard for adults, too.

Not just young people.

But here’s the thing.

When we think about consent, so often we get hung up on consent around intimacy and relationships.

But here’s the secret: consent is actually communication.

We’re constantly saying yes, no or maybe in our everyday life.

This is great news.

Because it means we can be practicing consent conversations all the time.

We can model consent for our kids.

And we can chat to them about what it feels like, to have our boundaries respected.

For example: there’s the ‘tickling game’.

If a kid says STOP TICKLING! and you stop straight away,

you can chat about that.

Or if your kid is bugging you to do something you don’t want to do,

you can chat about that, too.

And remember that we said, above, ^ that this stuff is hard for adults too? 

Well, you can even talk to your kid about that.

In fact it’s GOOD to talk about how hard it can be.

If you tell your kids ONLY that ‘no means no’ and things like that,

you’re leaving out quite an important bit -

which is how nuanced this stuff can be.

And that it can be hard to say things. And hard to listen.

And that it takes practice.

And that it’s hard for grown-ups, too.

But knowing consent is hard is ok!

We can learn how to do it.

Say it.

Feel it.

We have so much more to share with you on this brilliant topic.

And tools for you to use.

X Sarah 

 

 

This week’s question might strike fear into your heart J

‘What’s the best way to deal with oral sex questions?’ :0

I remember a very unexpected conversation with one of my own kids on this very subject. 

It was bedtime.

I was reading the bedtime story. 

As you can imagine, I wasn’t prepared. 

There was even a moment during the convo where I realised, ‘I don’t want to answer any more questions!’

(You can watch me tell that story in the video here or have a listen on the podcast here.)

But here the thing I learned from that experience.

We don’t need to tell our kid EVERYTHING. 

It’s ok to operate from within our own level of comfort. 

It’s even ok to say, ‘That’s a really good question! I’m going to think about it and get back to you, because I want to make sure I get it right.’

What’s interesting about this topic, 

is that it’s not only about

“How do I talk about the actual nitty gritty of ‘what happens’.”

It’s also about consent. 

It’s ALSO about the fact that we are all different and like different things. 

And you can reassure your kid that they NEVER have to do anything like this if they don’t want to do

This week, we’ve broken this topic into small, manageable chunks. 

We have a few scripts for you, and some great things to think about.

Don’t forget, as your kid grows up they’ll learn what their body likes, 

and by the way, not wanting to do ANY sexual thing at all is ok too. 

This week’s question might make you think about your own experience as a kid.

A parent asks:

‘When your child is immature in nature, how do you know how much to tell them?’

So often, I hear parents tell me about their own experience first learning about sex, bodies, babies and all the things.

It goes something like:

“Sex was never talked about, and then one day, out of the blue, I got The Talk”  😮

Parents will often say to me, “I don’t want my kids to have that experience”.

They remember so vividly, the feelings they felt.

Scary!

Uncomfortable.

Embarrassing.

Yikes.

Here’s the thing.

I don’t compare those feelings with getting info about sex, bodies, babies and all the things.

I link them with a whole lifetime - until age 11 or 12 - of hearing NOTHING, and then suddenly an adult presses PLAY and you get all this information out of the blue.

The key to giving your kid a good experience is not about ‘the amount’ of info you give them.

It’s about how you give it.

The key is to have tiny, gentle, ongoing conversations, over time.

These convos come with compassion and kindness.

Did you know we can talk about sex, bodies, babies and all the things with children from ages 2 or 3 or 4?

And if your kids are older, you can start from whatever age they are right now.

So that it’s NOT a big pile of scary information, out of the blue.

It’s just a series of gentle, friendly, compassionate, ongoing chats,

about being human.

You can do it.

And we can help you.

Sarah x

This week, a parent asks:

‘How do we stop our young people accessing so much p0rn?’

This question is really pertinent at the moment. If you are like me, you are at home, with your kids and letting them use devices to pass the time.

So I like how this question qualifies itself.

‘SO MUCH p0rn’.

This question kind of understands that the world is the way it is.

The internet is the internet.

Kids can find p0rn if they want. Or they might get shown it by someone else.

Or they might find it by accident.

So the first thing is to do all the usual things.

Make it harder to access.

Use parental controls! Monitor computer use.

Things like that.

But.

The most important bit here is the same ‘most important bit’ it so often is.

Having conversations with your kid.

We need to be having the kinds of conversations that will keep our kid coming back to us, and coming back, and coming back, when things get strange or difficult.

These kinds of chats are ones that keep the connection with your child.

Chats that don’t lecture.

Chats that are matter-of-fact, and open.

So that you’re a ‘resource’ your kid trusts.

Because when kids know they’ll get yelled at, or given out to, for doing X thing, they’re less likely to come to us.

So we need to stay open.

How?!?!

We have some scripts for you.

And some strategies.

And by the way – I know this is hard!

This stuff is super challenging.

Keeping your cool when your kid tells you they’ve seen p0rn?

Or discovering it on their phone?

That’s really hard.

You can learn to manage your emotions, and stay calm and open with your kid.

That’s a parenting superpower. 

x Sarah