Sitting in a Car

This week a parent asks,

‘Would you recommend tampons or towels, when a young person first starts their period?’

In one way, this is really quite like any other buying decision we have to make.

We might think about budget. Or impact on the environment.

Or about: what, for us, is the most comfortable thing to do?

In another way, though, this question is about our child’s abilities.

How comfortable is your kid with their body? Because tampons take some practice.

Will your child remember to change a tampon? Because if you leave one in for too long, they can get sick.

So it really depends on the abilities of the child you are supporting on their menstrual journey.

And everybody is different.

So everyone’s ‘best’ thing to do, will be different.

Whatever you decide, make sure you use this convo as the wonderful opportunity that it is.

You can create a dialogue.

Cos every time we get a bit lecturey,☝🏼instead of having a proper chat, it’s a lost opportunity to really give our child a feeling of:

‘We’re in this together.’

‘I’m supporting you to learn more about yourself,

as you become an adult.’ ❤️

If you can create this feeling,

it’s really going to stand to you as your child gets older.

It’s the thing that will keep your kid coming back to you, when they have questions or concerns.

And those questions and concerns are gonna get more and more complex.

So, yay, chats about periods.

For more on this great topic, listen to this week's episode. 

And here we are, 

All in our homes.

With our kids.

Trying to work out this new weird normal.

This week I’m talking about the moment I realised I couldn’t do it all anymore now that the kids were home … All. The. Time. 

And by ‘it’ I mean, the work that I’d committed to do for others.

Accepting our limits can be one of the kindest, most compassionate things we can do for ourselves.

That includes the limits you feel having sensitive conversations with your kid.

This week, listen as I tell the story of how I gave up doing an impossible thing and experienced the kindness of the people around me.

And I talk about having the MOST difficult conversations with our older children.

In that same vein, this week’s episode of Sitting In A Car is audio only as I get to grips with all the other family stuff that is taking up so much of my time .

I hope to be back to usual next week.

Until then, would you like to join me in being realistic about what you can accomplish this week?

Listen here or here.

Xx Sarah

Ps. There’s nothing to write as a post script today … because I realise I don’t have the brain space to think of anything to write here. Everything is fine. I just need to prioritise my time differently at the moment.

It’s been a hard week.

If you are like me, you are home with children, doing your best to help them pass the days. It’s gonna be a long old trek before we see the end of this.

And here’s the thing.

I don’t know anything about Corona virus.

Except we all need to wash our hands and avoid other people.

But I can help you to talk to your kids about sensitive stuff.

So here’s the third in a row of questions about how we make new humans!

(For the other two, go here and here.)

Today’s question is: 

‘When my 7-year-old asks, How did you make me?, 

what do I say?’

For me, these questions are so fun and beautiful. 

They’re full of the gorgeous curiosity of childhood. 

Your kid is like a scientist. 

They’re looking at the world around them and they want to know how it all works. 

And that is just lovely. 

So you can answer it in that spirit.

But the first thing for YOU to figure out is this. 

What are you comfy talking to your kid about?

And, in fact, how *did* you make them?

Did you have sex?

Did you do IVF? 

Did you adopt? or use a donor? or something else? 

And: if you had sex to make your kid, are you still with your partner? 

Maybe you aren’t. 

Maybe you never really were.

Or maybe you are, and you live with them, and they’re in the next room.

A kid who is 7 is absolutely able to understand the basics. 

That everyone in the world was made with a sperm, an egg, and a uterus. 

And that we’re all made in different ways (and how cool is that). 

So it’s about you figuring out what YOUR story is, and how much you’re comfortable sharing. 

And - by the way - you’re allowed to keep some stuff private, for yourself. 

(I have a funny story about how *I* learned that, in today’s video.)

So this question from your 7-year-old is a really cool, joyful thing.

You can say to your kid, how happy you are that they asked you!

And that they’ve got a scientist’s brain. 

And that, actually, a lot of grown-ups feel awkward talking about this stuff because they weren’t taught how to talk about it. 

But you’re so glad they asked. 

(Because we know how important it is to talk about these things.

For THEM to receive the info they need, and for YOU to learn how to chat about it. 

Even if it feels a bit awkward.)

So - these are wonderful convos to have! :)

And we’re happy to give you some tools to help you feel more confident and comfortable having them. 

watch this episode here or listen to the podcast version which is now up on Itunes and Spotify.

x Sarah

Ps. You might be under so much pressure right now that you aren’t capable of thinking about this part of your parenting.

That’s ok.

You are doing the best parenting you can manage right now.

Keep Safe

Follow Sarah on Instagram

Check out Sarah's website 

We’ve another wonderful question this week.

‘When a younger child - say, age 5-8 - asks, “What is sex?”

what should I say?’

You might remember that we chatted just the other week about how to tell tiny kids - ages 0-4 - where babies come from. 

And about how it’s not only ok to chat with tiny kids about this stuff - it’s good!

(If you missed that, you can check it out here.)

With a slightly bigger kid, we can chat about the same stuff - and add some new bits in, too. 

We can chat about how some adults don’t feel comfortable talking about how babies are made.

Because maybe they were taught that it’s not ok to talk about it. 

We can chat about how not every family knows it’s important to tell kids about all the cool things our bodies can do!  

But WE know that it’s good to give kids information about ALL the cool things, so that our kids can keep themselves happy and safe.

We can chat about how sex feels good, and makes us feel close to people.

That it’s fun! and not just for making new humans.

We can even talk about the ways that grown-ups have sex without making new humans. 

Because babies are a lot of work.

We can chat about how not everyone wants to have sex. And that it’s a choice. 

And that it’s a responsibility, too. 

That it’s a grown-up thing, 

where you need to take care of the person you’re doing it with, and also take care of yourself. 

Really, above all, the main thing we want to be sharing with our kids is that sex is a normal, nice part of being human.

Because that’s the truth! 

And if you’re one of those parents who sometimes feels a bit awkward talking about this stuff, that’s ok.

I’m here to help you with that. 

For ideas about how to have these chats in a way that will help both you and your kid feel empowered and happy, listen to this week's podcast.

Sarah x

This week’s question is quite adorable. :)

‘Can you over-inform young children - ages 0-4 - about intercourse?

How do you tell them where babies come from, when they ask?’

It can be quite lovely to chat with your child when perhaps a friend or loved one is pregnant and your child has questions.

But is it ok to answer those questions?

Short answer: Yes!

The World Health Organisation (WHO) says !YES! kids ages 0-4 are at a prime age to understand things about how we make new humans.

And YES, it’s ok and really quite helpful to chat about it. We have hacks in this week’s video that will delight and inspire you and help you chat with your kid about this sensitive and wonderful topic in a way that is clear, comfortable and empowering.

But - before we get to that. Let’s chat a bit about comfort levels. Both your kids’ - and yours.

Firstly: it’s great to know that it’s not really possible to ‘over-inform’ our kids (Whew!)

They have inbuilt mechanisms, to protect them.

One of those mechanisms is boredom!

If your kid is zoning out, that’s how we know they have enough info for now.

But if your kid is 100% with you, and asking more questions, then you can explore together some more. 

Lastly, let’s talk about you.

The parent.

It’s worth mentioning that while it’s not possible to ‘go too far’ for our kids at this age, it is definitely possible to go too far for ourselves.

We need to be aware of our own feelings of comfort and honour those feelings.

And we need to learn to tell the difference between:

1.forcing ourselves to do something we don’t want to do (unkind and hurtful),

and

2.doing something outside our comfort zone, in a spirit of wanting to learn and grow (motivating and growing).

For more about this rich and lovely topic, including helpful hacks around the exact things you can say, listen to this week's podcast.

Are you a parent who wants their child and young person to respect themselves and resist pressure from others?

If your answer is yes then this week’s episode of sitting in a car is for you. We are talking all about building self-respect in our children and helping them resist pressure.

In my world, an ability to have self-respect is part of learning how to ‘do’ consent.

So your children’s ability to respect themselves is an excellent priority to have as a parent.

It is at the foundation of their ability to say ‘yes’, ‘no’ or ‘maybe’ when someone asks them to do something new –  like stealing chewing gum from the corner shop :0  (just a random example that came to mind!)

In this weeks episode, I’m suggesting there is an even more important task around self respect. And it’s not focused on our child.

It’s focused on ourselves.

It’s about our own levels of self-respect when we think we should have conversations about sensitive stuff with our child.

So if you know that your child needs YOU to step up and learn more about self-respect and getting more comfortable talking about sensitive topics, listen to this episode. 

And I’ve added in a confession about the sitting in a car podcast. I’ve realised something that the podcast doesn’t do well. At all.

Sarah x

Ps. I mention a free workshop series I’m running this week. Join me to become more comfortable talking about sensitive stuff and self-esteem. Here’s the link: https://sarahsproule.lpages.co/become-a-comfortable-parent-2020-feb/

Let’s chat today about your secret fears.

I’m talking about fears that are so secret, you don’t even know you have them.

Sometimes, you might skip having sensitive conversations with your kid, for loads of good reasons.

‘The timing wasn’t right!’

’I wasn’t sure what to say.’

Things like that.

But the real reason might be something else.

We all have thoughts in our head that we mightn’t even know are there.

And these thoughts hold us back.

And if we don’t know something is wrong, we can’t fix it.

When it comes to having chats with your kid about sexuality, relationships and consent, there are loads of secret, scary thoughts that many parents have that come up a lot.

I’ve come up with 9 of them.

(Yes, I actually made a list!)

These secret scary thoughts stop you from taking small steps forward.

And there are lots of tiny changes, tiny steps you can take that open up convos with your kid(s).

These convos can help your kid(s) to be more confident, caring and respectful.

You kid can learn to keep themselves safe in a world that puts huge amounts of pressure on them.

Your kids need us to help empower them.

And you are well able to do this.

Once you examine those scary secret thoughts of yours,

you start setting yourself free.

And I’m here to help you with that.

I have a FREE course coming up.

It’s going to give you the time and room to look at your thoughts.

You can have a think about what might be holding you back -

and then do something about it.

So that you can feel confident about taking those tiny steps and having those sensitive chats with your kids.

Does this sound good?!

Great!

Sarah x

This week’s question is a big one.

‘We were in the car. A news report came on the radio about rape. ‘My 7-year-old asked, “What is rape?”’

When a sensitive subject like this comes up, you might feel your throat close up, and your stomach clench.

And you might really not want to go there.

Believe me, I get it.

But.

This is where the groundwork you’ve been doing, the chats you’ve already been having, the tiny, tiny steps you’ve already been taking, are all going to help your kid and help you.

Remember, we’re talking about a 7-year-old - so keeping it simple is exactly right.

Maybe you will have chatted about the names of body parts.

Maybe you will have chatted about how everyone’s body is their own.

Maybe you’ve even had happy convos about how bodies feel nice when we eat lovely food, or run and play, or cuddle with our families.

So then you can talk about how we get to choose to do things that feel good with our bodies.

And how we get to choose to NOT do things with our body too.

And how some people don’t know that that’s a rule.

We have some truly amazing hacks for you around this very sensitive topic.

We’ve broken it down into small manageable parts.

This will empower both your kid and you.

And by the way, it’s ok to chat with your kid about things like this!

It’s not only ok - it’s good. 

We know that kids who are informed are better able to keep themselves safe

in this a-little-bit-broken world of ours.

And we’re here to help you, help them.

Sarah x

This week’s question:

‘My 13-year-old boy got a snapchat message from a girl who says she loves him. 

He’s replied and said he loves her too.

We’d agreed he’d concentrate on pals and sport for now so I’m a bit annoyed about his declaration of love. 

What do I do?’

So, there are two categories of life experience in the world :)

There’s the illegal stuff, the consent-breaking stuff. 

And then there’s EVERYTHING else. 

A young teenage boy expressing and exploring romantic feelings is definitely in the second category!

It’s very normal.

So, your challenge as a parent is to stay relevant and connected your kid,

even as they grow and change and their needs for your guidance changes.

The easiest way to stay connected is to be kindly curious about their life.

It’s definitely ok to have concerns.

But the best way to handle your concern about something in your kid’s life is to listen to where your kid is at.

Listening comes first.

Then you can help your teen develop the communication skills they’ll need to have healthy relationships as they grow up.

Being a teenager is hard! 

Often times the life of a teen is way more complicated than it looks to us from the outside.

So your best shot is to meet your kid(s) where they are at. 

Figure out what they need and want.

And then help them communicate that in their own way.

When we approach it like that, it’s all very exciting, really. 

And feeling excited as a parent is a great feeling to have.

Sarah x