Lately I've noticed I get anxious when I find myself with nothing to do. I guess that's why I am so enamoured of the Edinburgh Fringe - a month where every moment of every day is relentlessly full of people and places and things and stuff and you NEVER get a break. You NEVER have to stop!! You can just keep going for ever - heaven.

The way I've always coped with the anxiety is by just filling my time up with stuff, and I don't necessarily think that's a bad way of coping, but it becomes a problem when I make commitments and then put undue amounts of pressure on myself to fulfil those commitments. That's funny isn't it! I do feel anxiety when I'm still, so to avoid that anxiety, I fill my days up with activities and commitments, sometimes to the point that there are too many things for me to do, which gives me anxiety. It really never ends.

I think what I'd like to remember is that while I do like to always be doing lots of things - seeing friends, doing stand up, working on projects etc. - if I ever find myself rushing through my days because I've given myself too many of these therapeutic *things* to do, it's okay to leave some of those commitments unfulfilled. I am allowed to prioritise my commitments however I see fit, and then if there isn't time for something, I can just apologise and say that I'm not going to make it. I'm about to go to Perth for three weeks, and I'm going to have heaps of time to myself, so I'll see how all this goes I guess.

At this time last year my goals were to put my head down at work and make as much money as I could, while spending all my creative energy working on the new show. It was the first year since I started doing solo stand-up shows that I'd planned to not do a show at the Australian festivals, and my only hope for the end of the year was that I'd be in a position where I would be confident with my new show and ready to tour it myself.

That is exactly where I'm at right now! In the last year I worked hard on my show, took it to Edinburgh and had a very successful first season there, worked with a designer to create a visual branding language for the show and have started to use that brand to promote it. I also went to New York for the first time, which is something that I've wanted to do for the best part of ten years! I also worked as a tour guide and discovered that I don't want to pursue that as a career, which is something that I thought I might be interested in at the start of the year.

In the next twelve months I will be crossing two more things off of my list of long-term goals: 'Record A Great Special' and 'Live In Another City'. On Saturday night I went to a party and a friend did a tarot reading for me, and the thing that I chose to focus on was my planned move to London. I'm nervous about it, specifically leaving my close friends and family in Australia, and everything that I'm going to miss in their lives, but I'm also confident that this is what I need to do for myself and my career. Happy New Year everyone, we did it.

Last night I saw a movie called 'The Substance', it was great! Go look it up if you don't know what it's about because their copy will explain the premise much better than I can here, but the premise of the film is an ageing Hollywood star takes an experimental drug to create a younger, "more perfect" version of herself. It's all about female beauty standards in society and the way we treat people - especially women - as disposable once their youth and beauty have faded.

I got the impression from the outset that whoever had made this film was very angry about the subject, and wanted us to feel the pain and discomfort that they feel when they think about it. I figured it was probably a woman and I was correct - bully for me! I really enjoyed the way the shocking visuals and sound in the movie made me feel uncomfortable, which is odd to say, because at the time I was.. well, uncomfortable. But immediately I'm like, okay if I feel uncomfortable now, imagine how uncomfortable it must be to actually BE a woman and be subject to these kinds of pressures and standards! Provoking the audience into such considerations is the sign of great art.

In a way, this is what I'm trying to do in my show - I want people to recognise the feeling that I find in the music, and then relate it to their own lives so they can actually feel it themselves, and in doing so, connect with the experience of the person who wrote the music I'm playing. The feeling I'm working with isn't anger or anything close to it, but rather hope, which comes with it's own fears and anxieties. Despite the differences, it was inspiring to see a film - a piece of art - where each element is so clearly chosen with an overall effect in mind, and everything is working in concert to achieve a clear goal. It wasn't at all subtle, but what's the big whoop about subtlety anyway?

Yesterday I got an ad for this garbage book called 'Dad I Want To Hear Your Story'. It's not even a book that you read, it's a book that you give to your Dad that he writes his life story in. There are all these questions about your first kiss or your school years or whatever the fuck stupid bullshit these people put in there to try and seduce people into thinking that you can skip the years of work it takes to build up a good relationship with your loved ones and all you need to do is BUY THIS BOOK!! THIS ONE WEIRD TRICK MADE MY DAD LOVE ME AGAIN!! 

The ad creeped me out for that reason, but also even more so because the Instagram page that was hosting it was full of the same guy saying the same words to a camera, but with all different intonations, different music, and wearing different hats and sunglasses on his face. It feels as if whoever is selling this thing is doing A/B market testing on their own face, trying to find the optimal combination of sounds and images required to sell these cynical, loveless items.

As I wade into the world of advertising and marketing ahead of the festival season (the show opens a month from the 17th!!!) I am more and more aware of this kind of stuff. I'm even using some of it to sell my tickets, but I am also very conscious of trying to keep it at arm's length, because throughout the world of marketing there exists this idea that you can sell anything with the right ad campaign. There are people all over online message boards and social media apps talking about how they can increase your Lead Generation and Sales Performance and ROI without ever talking about what products anyone might actually be selling, and that kind of mindset is liable to destroy a person if it gets a hold of you.

And boy has it gotten a hold of these book-selling losers on Instagram.

The modern world of classical piano seems to be split into two groups:

First there are the people who play the classics, they go through the music from the 17th, 18th and 19th centuries and play the same pieces over and over again in search of the "composer's intention", while attempting to also bring some aspect of their own personality to it. Each year there are dozens of recordings of the most famous pieces of the classical repertoire, and the people in this world have opinions on all of them.

Then there are the people who go in the complete opposite direction - they are sick of playing the same pieces and so they rebel in the extreme by creating music with completely outlandish instruments and sounds. It's conceptual, it's cerebral, and it might actually be nonsense? We're talking music with teapots, we're talking music determined by the roll of the dice, stuff that seems like it's more about the idea of the thing, rather than the actual thing itself.

Both groups of people have interesting ideas and I wouldn't go so far as to say that they're creating cynical work at all! I'm not trying to denigrate either of them, except to say that I think they both, to some extent, have their heads completely stuck up their own asses.

I say all of that to say - with absolute joy!! - that this week I discovered a new pianist named Eugen Cicero who seems to embody a third, completely exciting and inspired path. He plays the classical repertoire - music that was created to sound beautiful - but rather than sticking dogmatically to the text, he brings it to life with his own improvisations and modern musical ideas. I love it, and now you can too as some of his music is hidden at the end of my ramblings on this week's podcast. Enjoy!

Huge shock in the Australian Comedy world this week with one of the biggest management companies declaring bankruptcy, leaving dozens of artists without representation heading into the 2025 festival season. Also a bunch of comedians have lost tens, or in some cases HUNDREDS, of thousands of dollars.

In reflecting on what is catastrophic news for so many of my friends, I'm reminded of my own experiences with management. I think it's tempting as an artist to see management as someone who will take care of the business side of everything and allow us to do the work we want. That's the idea we are sold, and that's what we all hope for, because we aren't the kind of people who are confident in the world of business. But no one really has any more of a clue than we do about how to market our work, and if any of us actually wants to make a career out of doing this, the only way to make that happen is to figure out for ourselves what it is that we do and why people might pay money to see it. That's not to say that managers are useless, just that whatever it is that they can do, we can do it as well, and we probably don't need to be giving anyone 30% of our income to do it for us.

Moreover, it is so important that we think about these questions ourselves, because if we want to keep pursuing our art and growing as artists, we need to eventually take the leap and become professional. On Sunday I went to watch a wonderful amateur choir and orchestra perform Beethoven, closing with the 9th Symphony, 'Ode To Joy'. I was reminded that Beethoven's incredibly difficult orchestral parts were one of the things that led to the development of professional orchestras, because people needed to be paid to practice so they could have the time to actually play his insane music! I feel like that's where I am as a comedian - I have reached a ceiling of how good I can get with the resources that I have, and I need to find an audience and start making money from this if I want to reach that next level.

I've started keeping an autograph book as a bit of fun between now and when I leave for the UK. Had a lot of fun riffing about that and looking up some stupid shit online to do with autograph books. Also detailed how and why I lost the best part of $1000 this week on the Gold Coast. We're learning!!

I'm flying to the Gold Coast in the morning, can't wait to do the show on Saturday night. I've been running ads on Facebook/Insta and Google all week and I have no way of knowing whether they're working, but hey we'll find out on Saturday! I need to go to sleep.

Went down to Rose Chong in Fitzroy this morning to get fitted with a 19th century costume ahead of the photo shoot on Friday. I can't wait to get these photos and have a bunch of cool shit to post on social media to promote the tour! I have a show on the Gold Coast next weekend which is effectively the last chance to tune up before Perth Fringe in January. Cannot fucking wait to get out there and start this run.

I called it The Beatles because that's what I spent the last while talking about. I've been watching that Beatles documentary from a few years ago and god I love it. I also started watching a Harvard Lecture from Leonard Bernstein about the origins of music and language and that was really good too. I'm all over the place mentally - I've been in bed, sick, for the last few days. A literal nightmare.