Sneeze! with James Whittingham

Comic James Whittingham stopped podcasting during the pandemic but now he's back to fill you in on everything he did during the summer. His daughter became feral. She it took months and hundreds of dollars to unmatte her hair before school.

James lists the things that don't work on his body since he's getting old. Mark auditioned to be side-kick on the show and we play his tape including his recongnition of James's devotion to the bidet.

James only learned recently that Robin of Batman and Robin was a kid.

How James spent his pandemic: He bought an ebike which gave him the false impression of having super powers. Then he has a near-fatal bike accident, or so he says.

The neighbors are really bugging James. One of them is crazy hand has two giant clocks in her front window. And after his new electric snow shovel goes into operation, he finds that snow-blowing yellow snow leads to problems. Yet, he has a idea of what to do with it.

An introvert, James likes wearing a mask. In fact, he wants to take it further. James argues that he should be first in line for a vaccine. Well, almost first.

New segment: "Tweet or Delete" It's about tweet regret.

James reviews his tweets to see if the passage of time has made him embarrassed about them. If so, he'll delete them on the podcast.

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James has had it with the pandemic. The solution? A no holds barred ANGRY rant about everything Covid life gave us. 

I've so had it with everything! I can't even feel like I should do a podcast!

Fuck book shelves

Fuck the Republican Party

fuck birthday parties

fuck choirs

fuck spittle

Fuck Pollution

Fuck walmart

fuck amazon

fuck Halloween candy

fuck sexism

fuck Florida

fuck my neighour

fuck his Corvette

fuck his boredom

fuck his lawn mower

fuck his lawn

fuck his retirement

fuck his hat

he never wears hat so it must be terrible

fuck apple tv plus

fuck lysol wipes

fuck hand sanitizer

fuck hand sanitizer made by your local micro brewery

fuck hair

fuck my covid mop

fuck my hairstylist who is a herd immunity fan

fuck herds

Fuck cows for burping the planet into oblivion

fuck working from home

fuck Hollywood for satiating me

fuck the mail man where is he?

Fuck the amazon delivery person

fuck prime day

fuck mail in voting

fuck circles on the sidewalk

fuck six feet

fuck grocery stores. It's like a zombie escape room.

Fuck doctors

fuck my pharmacist

fuck the person who delivers my prescription

fuck bicycles

fuck ebikes

fuck zoom

fuck skype

fuck web cams

fuck reporters pathetic homes

fuck winter

fuck bars

fuck millennials

fuck contact tracers

fuck politicians

fuck podcasters, there's more of them now

fuck children who can't get sick

fuck bleach

fuck Americans

fuck old ladies who vote based on the candidates smile.

Fuck late night tv hosts

fuck stephen colbert

fuck the nhl

fuck carboard cutouts in stands

fuck bubbles

fuck spiky corona virus graphics

fuck saturday night live at home

bless saturday night live with an audience

fuck kanye west

fuck mental illness

fuck social distancing

fuck aerosols

fuck political debates

fuck the us postal service

fuck uber eats

fuck skip the fucking dishes.

Fuck food

fuck my messy kitchen

fuck screens that have taken over my kids

fuck distance learning

fuck your online passwords

fuck the police.

Fuck covid songs

fuck all lives matter because they don't

fuck tear gas

fuck lies

fuck fox news

fuck evangelicals

fuck what's her name

fuck the supreme court

fuck my crush on Kaitlan Collins

fuck middle age

fuck preexisting conditions

fuck makeshift morgues

fuck parties

fuck cancer

fuck obesity

fuck walter reid

fuck cloudy weather

fuck smart phones

fuck facebook

fuck mark zuckerberg

fuck twitter

fuck pornography that pretends to be insest, it ruins it for the rest of us.

Fuck my bladder

fuck my flatulence

fuck reality television

fuck the pandemic

fuck mourning from a distance

fuck masks

fuck your mask

i hate your fucking mask.

Fuck people who sew their own mask

fuck dollar store masks

fuck costco masks

fuck branded masks

fuck covid

fuck disease

fuck the same infectiousness disease experts i have watch on cable news over and over.

Fuck them that they're young and hot.

In 2006 I was podcasting live on the moment I said goodbye to my thirties and turned 40. This is my most requested episode all these years later. Due to music rights, only part of the episode can be presented. 

Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes!

My links

Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze

James on Twitter

This podcast on Twitter

James on TikTok

My YouTube comedy channel

Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham

My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show

Contact us [email protected]

Transcript of this episode:

So we have some stuff for you tonight.

We have a voicemail and some email.

And by we, I mean me.

What's left? To me, 40 year old James is pretty much like a 90 year old.

Anyone else? It's getting more difficult for me to sit up and talking to this microphone.

But doing my best.

It's going to be an interesting eleven minutes before I turn 40.

It's a sad situation.

We'll be right back.

Thanks for calling Dell.

What can we build for you? Well, my family needs a new computer.

Great.

Let's get started.

What do you think you'll be using it for the most? Well, my kids are really into games and I do a little video editing.

Really? A little video editing? No, not really.

Not yet anyway.

I actually just watch a lot of porn.

Well, I'd set you up with a high performance graphics card and you might want a faster processor.

Yeah, that's probably a good idea.

And to feel like you're right there in the middle of it, pounding her love box.

How about a high end, eleven channel surround sound speaker system? Yeah, now you're talking.

And do you find that your willy just isn't as hard as it used to be? Because you've seen pretty much everything there is to see on the Internet.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, then I'd suggest the Compu Suck 3000 USB with stainless steel conductive, nipple clamps.

A reusable fiber skin sleeve.

Okay, okay.

I'll tell you what.

I'll even throw in a box of Kleenex.

You guys are awesome.

Now, let's talk about Anatle stimulator.

Well, I was thinking about the 20 inch, but wait, let's step it up to a 25 rift.

You got it.

Great.

We'll ship that out to you right away in a plain cardboard box.

Just a second.

Can I get a hard drive upgrade, too? Sir, this seems really inappropriate.

I'm going to hang up now.

Goodbye, Adele.

We don't build a computer for anyone.

We build it for perfect like you.

Well, I thought I'd check out some celebrity birthdays on my birthday.

Here.

September 23.

You know, there's a lot of famous people with birthdays.

On my birthday.

I used to say to remember a few of them.

One spruce Springsteen.

And people say, no, he isn't.

This is not when I was a kid, this is when I was an adult.

They say you don't share a birthday with Bruce Springsteen.

Mine is in school, in elementary school.

Occasionally it will come up that I was born and people would ask me when I was born, I said I was born in Ontario.

They wouldn't believe that.

In Regina.

It's like, you don't look like you're born in Ontario.

You're not cool.

Let me tell you something.

I am cool.

All right? My printer is not working.

I repeat, my printer is not working.

If you have a million dollars in the bank and you want to send me a new laser printer that'd be great because I can barely read this.

Mickey Rooney, September 23.

John Coltrane, September 2326.

By the way, I have a beard and as itchy as hell, and it's 11:52 P.m.

And there's only eight minutes left while I'm in my 30s, so I'm going to continue eating.

Ray, Charles.

Born September 23, 1930.

September 2349.

Bruce, you are significantly older than I am.

Isn't that interesting? Jason Alexander from Seinfeld.

Born September 23, 1959.

Conrad Dojax says happy birthday.

Happy birthday, Conrad.

Thank you.

I have a live skype thing that says happy birthday from Conrad.

I have not talked to Conrad in a long time.

You may remember him from the Global Vibrant show.

I think his co host, which everyone thought was hot, both her voice and her picture.

I think they were an item in some way or another.

If it was only an emotional relationship, I don't know.

But they have separated, and Conrad has been really depressed since then.

You can just tell by his ICQ things.

He's trying to convey it.

And it's not his ICQ, his Skype profiles.

He's talking about how depressed he is and wanting to move and get jobs.

Conrad, if you're listening, it's okay, man.

That heart will heal one day if you don't die from some sort of hideous accident in the Netherlands.

Jason Alexander.

Okay, who do we have? Lisa Ray.

Interesting.

September 23, 1966.

We have some more information on Lisa Ray.

Who the hell is Lisa Ray? Who has voted the Sexiest woman? 2001 by Black Man magazine.

I didn't know there was a black man magazine.

It's interesting that they have a magazine.

Annie DeFranco.

Jan likes Annie DeFranco.

I am indifferent.

When was Annie born? Annie was born September 23, 1970.

I was just about in kindergarten then.

Can't read this.

God, it's hard to read looking through the list.

Not famous.

Not alyssa Sutherland, 23rd, 1982.

I wonder if it's any relation to Donald and the rest of the gang.

That's all we got.

And who else was born, according to a Wikipedia? Augusta Caesar.

Maybe you've heard of them.

Okay, if I have more organized.

Okay.

Augusta.

Augusta Caesar, september 2363 BC.

He died after Christ.

August 19 ad.

Can you believe having a lifespan that went before BC.

To after Ad.

Isn't that fascinating? He ruled for more than 40 years.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have yet to rule a single year.

Let's look back at my life.

Some major milestones in my life.

I've put together a dateline.

James.

Dateline, James.

September 23, 1966.

In the border town of Fort Francis, Ontario.

Dreams is born one month premature to a 42 year old nurse and a 47 year old department store general manager.

Dateline december 14, 1971.

James attends kindergarten in the prairie city of Vagina, Saskatchewan, and has awarded the role of the wolf in our puppet show Little Red Riding Hood.

Deadline october 7, 72.

James has his first crush on a girl, a fixing named Jody, did his homework for him over launch hour, only to see James beaten with a yardstick later in the day when Mrs.

Bikel discovered the young lady's penmanship was much neater than James's or Jaime as he was called back then.

Dateline june 19, 1974 james learns he's going to have to repeat the second grade along with Debbie Longleggs, Coburn, Robin Hazel, and many others.

Dateline february 7, 1979 james brother takes him to Regina's first and last disco, only to have James classmates not believe the story the next day.

Dateline august 16, 1980 while going to sleep, James fondles himself for the first time but discovers it feels good.

Moments later he ran screaming to the bathroom like he was bleeding from a very private area.

Dateline june 15, 1981 tensions at the Whittingham poem explode.

James becomes a homeless team for the rest of the summer.

Date line june 28, 1985 james is pulled out of the lineup entering his high school graduation and informed by Mrs.

Robalard that Jay failed him in his grade twelve English class and he would not graduate from high school.

Dateline may 7, 1992 after six long but happy years, James, a high school dropout, graduates from university with a 75 average after getting kicked out twice for poor academic performance.

Dateline june 17, 1993 college buddy Jack Yoga Wish asked James and his friend Kevin to appear at a local cable show for payment and free food.

Dates line may 25 dan Reddick and phones James at work to inform him that he has recommended he and Kevin to the head of the Montreal Just for Last Festival for the job of hosting the 1990 season of the TV show on CBC.

Dateline december 16, 1998 james puts all of his possessions on the streets in front of his brooch and festival bachelor apartment and boards a plane back to Regina to start again.

Dateline february 14, 2006 james starts a comedy podcast, much to the delight of dozens of listeners, where he would later turn 40 live on the air.

James, you fucking loser.

This has been your life.

Oh yes, the birth of your child and blah, blah, blah.

Well, this is it.

I'm 30.

I'm in my thirty s, I say.

I'm going to break down and cry.

Raiding the clock.

I'm 40.

Oh God, my heart just sank.

Pray for me.

Seems like yesterday I was 30.

I swear to God.

I swear to God, it seemed like yesterday I was 30 years old.

okay? Not for the fucking I'm 40 years old.

I won't be fucking anymore, that's for sure.

Coming up on the show, your letters.

Some voicemails review of a new breakfast cereal that I tried this morning.

I tell you, life is getting difficult.

Last weekend, as you know, I was sick.

A lot of people listened to that and somehow enjoyed hearing about my diarrhea.

And if you haven't listened to that show yet and you don't like stories about diarrhea, don't listen to the show.

I just discarded there.

I'm not sure why.

I apologize for this audience.

I apologize for all the audio imperfections, but I am doing the show live tonight.

Well, I have to live and die with what I do.

So here we are.

Rolling Stones also released this song 40 years ago.

What are you going to do? Sue me, Mick.

Fucking sue me.

They're coming to Regina, actually coming to Regina.

It says magical, magical weekend in October, 2 shows.

In between those shows, Monica's wedding.

Monica is a friend of mine.

Sorry.

My cat is meowing to get in and he's going to wake up.

She's going to wake up.

Beaten across the hall.

Yeah, you're a nice kitty.

Oh, you came to wish me happy birthday.

Thank you.

That's my cat.

My cat is like a podcast listener attentive Perry.

Always there with a tail.

What was I talking about? Life getting difficult.

I was sick last week, and before that I went to the hospital.

We went to see the pediatrician.

Yes, it's my birthday.

We went to see the pediatrician, which was in a hospital, different hospital than where Aiden stayed at.

And I had to go pee.

We were realizing that our son was going to have to go to the hospital for the first time was kind of traumatic.

But there was no one around.

The wing all closed.

It was like 05:00 and everyone had gone home.

So I stopped at the bathroom, which was just down the hall from the pediatricians office.

And for some reason, I had a trouble with my fly.

I was at the urinal and Jan was standing outside.

And I decided for the first time and only time in my life, and I can't explain why, but I dropped my pants, exposing my sweet, sweet ass, and I just peed away.

And I thought, no one's going to come in.

Sure enough, someone came in.

And yeah, I struggled to turn off the faucet and get the pants up.

I get outside and Jan tells me a woman went in.

A woman stormed into the male bathroom.

Of all times, this had to happen to me.

I don't know why this had to happen to me, but it happened to me.

All right.

It was a woman who stormed, and Jane actually tried to stop her, but she couldn't.

Yes, it's my birthday.

You know what that is in cat years? Jesus.

I know I'd be dead by now if I was a cat.

Fuck.

My skeleton would have turned to dust already.

You're going to die too, one day.

And I hope that day doesn't come soon.

The way the cats are in this neighborhood, you never know.

So a strange woman saw my ass.

Was there no Godly reason for me to expose it in the first place, but here we are.

Twelve, four minutes into my 40s.

My friend Jack turned 42 and a half years ago, pretty much.

He's already a quarter way through the he hasn't even blinked once in that time.

I mean, the time is going to go faster and faster and faster.

And even if I live to be old, death is around the corner.

I won't live to be old.

Voicemail, voicemail.

It's time to listen to some voicemail.

Voicemail, voicemail.

James, you filled my voicemail box right up.

James.

Got to be here.

Try and Skype on my wireless kind of sometimes high speed network.

It's rainy and I still don't have my Igayne antennas.

I ordered them from Tiger Direct and Ups has left them in Winnipeg for no apparently good reason right now.

So hopefully I'll have high speed antennas this week, and my Internet will be connected at more than 44% and two little bars of strength.

So you take care, have a great one and talk to you later.

Bye bye.

Thanks for the voicemail Scott sent to me on Skype, recorded by the free, rare program Pamela, and discovered by me today, which I was so happy to get a voicemail.

Voicemail.

Me, I love voicemails.

Makes me have variet

After not podcasting for 100 days, James invites his friends on the show to talk it out about Covid and quarantine life. We also go deep into working at home, missing not being alone, and racism in Saskatchewan and around the world. It's a departure from my usual show but stick with me. I'll be back next week with an all-new comedy podcast episode. 

Will snorting pepper cure Covid-19? James attempts to find out.

James panics after he finds out he can't buy Purell hand sanitizer due to hording in the stores. Toilet paper is also out of stock as people go nuts over the Coronavirus. 

The wheel spins and James gives his opinion on murderers! Yes, he welcomes them to the podcast. And what's James's favorite pizza? The answer won't surprise you. 

James speculates on how perfect Beyoncé's stools must be and how a goddess like her defecates. Plus the story of how a police officer cornered James naked! And a shocking new method James has discovered for cooking hot dogs!

James's favorite drink is the Vodka Special. The first version of this show had tech problems so James recounts a clitoral stimulation sex toy in the episode that wasn't. Why women's sex toys need more speed settings than men's. We compare two sets of theoretical super powers. The movie James rewatches the most is Spotlight with Mark Ruffalo, Michael Keaton, Rachel McAdams, Liev Schreiber, John Slattery, and Stanly Tucci.

Our Celebrity Sneeze of the Week is Alison Brie (Mad Men, Community, Glee). Alison, according to the internet, hung from a tree naked in college to cheer up a roommate. I miss college. 

We explore which animal would be most annoying if they could talk. The answer is dogs! They'd never stop asking you to do things!

Why balloons should be banned. It has to do with fear and cardiac issues. And our color of the episode is chocolate. It actually doesn't look like any chocolate I've ever eaten, but that's what this puky color of brown is officially called.

This is a special short, subdued bonus edition of Sneeze, recorded on Valentines Day.

Everyone has a bad day sometimes, so does James. It started with a tire shop trying to screw his wife and went down hill from there. James works out his anger on the show until he feels better by the end. We explore phobias, including a fear of chop sticks, not kidding, and James hits a bad point on the Sneeze Wheel yet again! Plus the Libra horoscope for teenagers!