So That Happened!!!

Never Too Young to Die (1986)

This week we talk about the crowning achievement in 1980’s spy cinema, Never Too Young to Die.

It stars John Stamos before he was Uncle Jesse, Vanity DURING the crack and Gene Simmons in a campy spy movie that sort of knows that it’s campy but is trying to act anyway.

From the opening where the villain yells his devious plot to his/her followers in the desert, straight through to the very end, we were thoroughly entertained.  We talked about a lot of the movie and still left some parts out for you to discover when you watch this (because you really should).

Run, don’t walk, to youtube, and watch Never Too Young to Die… but first, listen to this episode where we talk about it all.

This episode also has some bonuses (bonusi?), with the opening song about Stargroooove after the trailer and the vintage, super serious Entertainment Tonight feature at the end!

Never Too Young To Die stars John Stamos, Vanity, Gene Simmons, and George Lazenby, and was directed by Gil Bettman.

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Lucy (2014)

This week we talk about our most recent movie, Lucy.

Despite our hopes, Scarlett Johansson does not get a dolphin brain – but she does get to kick some ass once she gets kicked in the stomach with a crap ton of designer drugs in her system.  We throw Taipei and Morgan Freeman’s speech some side-eye and talk about a lot of other Luc Besson movies.

Sure there are some plot holes and wtf’s in here but we also didn’t hate watching this “Woman kicks ass with mysterious powers” flavor of chick flick.

Lucy stars Scarlett Johansson, Morgan Freeman, Min-sik Choi, and Amk Waked and was directed by Luc Besson.

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Blue Lagoon (1980)

Holy crap people, how was this a movie?  How was this a HIT?  Why do people love this movie?  Sure that’s probably too many questions for a movie recap but it feels necessary to convey that you should not watch this movie.  So what happens in this?  Well, some cousins get shipwrecked and end up on an island with a pirate who teaches them all they need to know to survive before he dies… then nature takes its course and… hey, lizards!

This episode features us trying to figure out why people like this movie so much, wondering why they didn’t just take a train from Boston to San Francisco and wishing we’d just watched a nature documentary instead.  There have been a few retellings of this story and perhaps those are better (and don’t involve cousins or teenagers and maybe some damn adventure) but this version of Blue Lagoon was just unpleasant and boring.

*Also, Erin is aware that the Panama Canal exists but it wasn’t finished yet during the “Victorian Era” which is when this movie is set.  So don’t email in saying that “Duh they weren’t going to sail all the way around South America” because in theory, that is what they were setting out to do (and they should have just taken a damn train in the first place).

**Also also, Bill was SUPER uncomfortable with this one.

The Blue Lagoon stars Brooke Shields, Christopher Atkins, and Leo McKern and was directed by Randal Kleiser.

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Rhinestone (1984)

One of the more bizarre musicals So That Happened has torn apart.

Jake (Dolly Parton) is a featured singer at a cowboy club in New York.  She enters into a creepy deal with the club owner to get out of her contract she can either turn taxi driver Nick (Sly) or sleep with the club owner.  Jake brings Nick to Tennessee so he can do all things country.  They sing some creepy songs and hook up in Jake’s family house.

Listen to Bill get confused and say Don Pleasence when he means Angus Scrimm, lots of wig talk and the gang discusses the homoerotic electricity between Sly & Tim Thomerson!

Rhinestone stars Sylvester Stallone, Dolly Parton, Richard Farnsworth, and Tim Thomerson and was directed by Bob Clark.

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Super Mario Bros (1993)

This week we attempt to dissect Super Mario Bros but mostly this just leads to more questions.

Where are the turtles?  What happened to Princess Peach?  And most importantly what the hell is going on in that mudbath?

We aren’t sure if you can blame this movie on drugs, alcohol or not giving a damn but at least this lead us to insights on Gina’s childhood, Bill’s surprise that no one knows who Mojo Nixon is and Swan purposely mispronouncing Hoskins because #swamwrong.

Super Mario Bros stars Bob Hoskins, John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper, and Samantha Mathis and was directed by Annabel Jankel.

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Mystic Pizza (1988)

Mystic Pizza centers on three Portuguese women – Kat, Daisy and Jo – in Connecticut who work at a pizza place and get into small town shenanigans.  Jo (Lili Taylor) runs away from her fiance – Vincent D’Onofrio but continues to have sex with him everywhere in town.  Daisy (Julia Roberts) finds a sugar daddy then dumps a 50 gallon barrel of seafood in his Porsche.  Kat (Annabeth Gish) sleeps with her creepy ginger babysitting boss.

Listen to the gang talk about the sweet 80’s soft rock, Bill bitch about location inaccuracies and Swan shit all over everything.

Mystic Pizza stars Annabeth Gish, Julia Roberts, Lili Taylor, and Vincent D’Onofrio and was directed by Donald Petrie.

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Zapped!  (1982)

80’s boob comedy Zapped! stars Scott Baio as a high school scientist with a pretty sweet lab.

He has a few experiments going that Willie Aames and Scatman Crothers screw up with various hijinks and after getting zapped he uses telekinetic powers to get revenge on bullies.

Along the way, he falls in love with the class president who wears glasses and (plot twist) is also pretty at the same time.   We talk about how it’s a Carrie ripoff, wonder how they kept their pot hidden so long, completely forget to mention that the principal and one of the teachers have sex under a table and remember what movie boobs looked like in the 80’s.  No boobs or butts are safe from the powers of Zapped!

Zapped! stars Scott Baio, Willie Aames, Robert Mandan, and Felice Schachter and was directed by Robert J. Rosenthal

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My Father the Hero (1994)

This 1994 American adaptation of a 1991 French film is probably the best portrayal of Katherine Heigl’s real attitude.

Heigl plays Nicole, a 14 year old daughter of divorced parents who is “forced” to go on a luxurious vacation to the Bahamas with her French father Andre (Gerard Depardieu).

Nicole is a sociopath who creates a freaky web of lies to impress a local boy (Dalton James) which includes being the daughter of a prostitute and convicted felon, living on the street and pretending that her father is actually her boyfriend.

The Electra complex is palpable.  Nicole also tramps around in a thong bikini, LBDs and daisy dukes for most of the film – at which time I remind you that she is 14!  By the end of the episode, we talk about how stupid her plan is, how to spot an evil person, argue about whether Gerard could get it with Lauren Hutton and basically lose our minds by the end of it and recommend something that isn’t even a movie.

My Father The Hero stars Gerard Depardieu, Katherine Heigl, and Dalton James and was directed by Steve Miner.

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The Witches of Eastwick (1987)

Three super hot ladies stuck in a “Stepfordish” New England town are wooed and whatnot by a grimy looking rich guy who is probably the Devil.  Once the ladies are seduced by Jack, they realize that they’ve been witches the whole time and form a coven, which leads to a showdown with the least scary devil in movie history.  If you enjoy speeches from Jack Nicholson, lady tableaus and projectile vomit, this is the movie for you.

The Witches of Eastwick stars Jack Nicholson, Cher, Susan Sarandon, and Michelle Pfeiffer and was directed George Miller.

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Ice Castles (1978)

One ice skating movie to rule them all, and one song to be played through this whole movie – including the xylophone version.

Up and coming ice skater, Lexi (played by ice skating actress Lynn-Holly Johnson), is given the opportunity to skate in the big leagues, aka the Midwest Regionals.  Lexi’s one dimensional personality manages to land her a few Sports Illustrated covers while her jealous and douchey failure of a boyfriend – Nick (Robby Benson aka the Beast from Beauty & the Beast) – proves inadequate for minor league hockey and college.  16 year old Lexi apparently is in a relationship with a 30 something newscaster.  Lexi is sabotaged by a jealous protruding metal pole tripping her and leaving her blind.  After a few days or weeks, Lexi gets back on her skates and somehow manages to skate in a regional competition.  You never know her score but are somehow supposed to feel good that she accomplished something so great.

In 2015, the STH gang talk about subpar ice skating costumes & their lack of the Galindo factor, rabid attack patio furniture, figure skating robots and the age of consent in Iowa. Hold on to your butts because it gets a little weird.

Ice Castles stars Lynn-Holly Johnson, Robby Benson, Tom Skerritt, and Colleen Dewhurst and was directed by Donald Wrye.

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