Soles to Soul Care for Trauma and AuDHD with Eve Menezes Cunningham

ACCESS 100s OF FREE BODY-MIND PRACTICES, POLYVAGAL-INFORMED JOURNAL PROMPTS AND SO MUCH MORE AT HTTPS://SOLESTOSOUL.IE

What does self-care look like when you’re 25, newly independent, and realising that taking care of yourself is up to you? In this week’s episode, I’m joined by one of my favourite yoga teachers and youth worker, the delightful Emily Rosenkranz.

As with all my guests, we get into the ideal and ACTUAL daily self-care, Self care and collective care.

Since recording this episode, I (twice her age) was inspired to keep MY phone outside the bedroom. Having got over my concern that a serial killer would break in (and my partner suggesting I ask to borrow theirs), I remembered the decades I walked the earth before phones were a thing (in my life at least).

My first Phone Free Night, I spent half an hour standing in the hallway scrolling before making it to the bedroom BUT it’s worth it.

Other topics include the simple morning journaling practice it took three years to actually start, shaking for trauma healing, the magic of collective healing through women’s circles, co-regulation, and what it feels like to cry in a room full of people without anyone needing to fix a thing.

Do you sleep with your phone in the bedroom? Let us know in the comments or email [email protected]

le grá (with love),

Eve

CHAPTERS

0:00 In an ideal world my days would revolve around self-care and self-love

0:14 Podcast introduction and Eve’s background

4:26 Introducing Emily Rosenkranz

5:08 Emily’s work in yoga and youth work

6:13 The Feel. Love. Heal. framework explained

8:03 Ideal self-care and building supportive daily routines

10:03 Keeping the phone out of the bedroom for better wellbeing

17:04 Self-love, yoga practice and connecting with the body

18:39 Shaking, crying and releasing the stress cycle

22:09 Breathwork and pranayama for nervous system regulation

24:30 Community, co-regulation and women’s circles

28:15 Advice to a younger self about healing and change

30:44 Reflection and closing thoughts

LINKS

https://www.instagram.com/emilyrosenkranz/

https://moonmna.ie/

Dr Karen Ward on energy work and Sacred Ireland

https://solestosoul.ie/book

#stresscycle

#emilyrosenkranz

#traumainformedyoga

#neurodivergence

#evemenezescunningham

Are you curious about how ADHD medication might work for you? Maybe you’ve already tried it? Or you’re happy with your prescription and it’s changed your life for the better? I’d love to hear from you.

My journey with ADHD medication (and ADHD and AuDHD) is still very much unfolding but here’s Part 2 of my evolving journey and some of the ways in which I’ve been using self-care practices as medication on days I can’t take it.

Both AND.

If you can take it daily, brilliant. If you’re not taking it at all, brilliant. We’re all different and this is purely my experience now (likely different to if I’d tried it decades ago).

I hope you’ll find it helpful and connect with (if you haven’t already) others to learn from their experiences too.

le grá (with love),

Eve

CHAPTERS

0:00 Considering ADHD medication and sharing personal experience

0:30 Podcast introduction and Eve’s background

4:47 Why it was time for an ADHD medication update

5:28 Starting medication and adjusting the dosage

6:05 Side effects and why I don’t take it every day

7:20 What medication changed about my daily life

8:59 Using the Feel. Love. Heal. framework

9:11 Movement, exercise and regulating ADHD symptoms

12:45 Accepting medication and letting go of shame

14:01 Community, neurodivergence and shared experiences

15:37 Reflecting on whether medication is right for you

17:01 Reflection and closing thoughts

LINKS

Will ADHD Medication Work for Me?

https://solestosoul.ie/2025/07/29/will-adhd-medication-work-for-me-episode-69-of-the-feel-better-every-day-podcast/

HASHTAGS

#adhdmedication

#adhdsupport

#selfcareforadhd

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Are you curious about whether ADHD medication might work for you? I’m not a pharmacist, I’m not a psychiatrist, but I shared my initial eight days diary of medication last year (Episode 69: Will ADHD Medication Work for Me?), and there’ll be a link to that episode in the show notes, and that was the very early days, and I realised that it was probably due an update.

If you’re a trauma survivor and AuDHDer like me, or you simply find self-care more of a “should” than a joy, this podcast is for you.

I’m Eve Menezes Cunningham, a trauma therapist, AuDHD and self-care coach, senior accredited supervisor, columnist and author of 365 Ways to Feel Better: Self-Care Ideas for Embodied Wellbeing.

Each Tuesday I share a mix of solo episodes and conversations with other self-care professionals. From other therapists, coaches, yoga teachers and authors to neuroscientists and medical professionals, many of them neurodivergent themselves and all honest enough to share the gap between their own ideal and their ACTUAL self-care.

Find Soles to Soul Care for Trauma and AuDHD with Eve Menezes Cunningham every Tuesday on Spotify, Apple, YouTube, Substack, and wherever you get your podcasts.

Learn to love and care for all your parts, from the soles of your feet to your soul.

And for bonus content, polyvagal-informed journal prompts and more, sign up for my free newsletter, Míle Buíochas Mondays, at solestosoul.ie

Are you curious about whether ADHD medication might work for you?

I’m not a pharmacist, I’m not a psychiatrist, but I shared my initial eight days diary of medication last year, and there’ll be a link to that episode in the show notes, and that was the very early days, and I realised that it was probably due an update, because I’m recording this in February 2026, so it’s been a good while, and my relationship to medication has changed.

I was put on Tyvense, it’s a stimulant medication, aka Vyvanse, and initially I felt like I was cheating at life, it felt amazing, and it was, it still is, but especially at that time, there was an enormous amount of stress behind the scenes that I had no control over, so I wasn’t put up to the full dose, because I didn’t want to go up.

And I actually then, with side effects, went back down to a lower dose, so my current dose is 30mg, and I don’t take it every day, because as much as I love it, it doesn’t agree with me, so it agrees with me in the ways in which it really helps, but it doesn’t agree in terms of, I’ve developed skin conditions, it impacted my digestion, and I had worse hot flushes than I’d had when I was perimenopausal and so there were other things as well, a lot of dry mouth, but I think it was really the skin conditions that really scared me a bit and I was lucky I didn’t have heart issues around it, because that had been a delay initially with beginning it, because an abnormality had shown up, but I was told that was fine after having additional tests.

And my journey is going to be different to yours or anyone else’s, but my hope is that by me sharing some of what has helped me and what continues to help me, it will give you ideas, and also the more we all share, the more we learn from each other, it’s really reassuring to hear other people’s experiences.

And I miss it, like I now take it once or twice a week and I arrange my workload around it where possible, because it is amazing being able to focus and concentrate and not be kind of having to double check a four-digit number several times in order to type it in.

Today I didn’t take it, and I don’t know if you can see, I managed to kind of bruise myself taking a top off in yoga, one of my layers, I tripped over a sofa on my way to the swimming pool, I went back out to the car because I wasn’t sure if I’d locked it or not, before that I had to take a swimsuit out of my emergency swim kit, because I had packed up my fins, my goggles, my snorkel, my swim hat, my toiletries, my towel and not a swimsuit, so luckily I had a spare.

But this used to be me every day, like returning to the house several times, had I locked it, what had I forgotten, going back, the whole like chaos, and just thinking that was life.

And then when I got to try the medication it was like, oh my god, this is amazing, I get to leave the house and go! So I do find the contrast, especially the day after one of my days ON the medication. But at the same time I have compassion for myself and I know that there are things I can do to help.

Moving into the Feel part of the Feel. Love. Heal. framework, so the Feel part is the regulatory, the self-care, the things we can actually do when we have the bandwidth to help us feel better. For me, swimming is huge, and since learning that balance is really helpful for the cerebellum in terms of treating ADHD symptoms, I do even more underwater handstands and I walk on my hands, I don’t know what it looks like from above, but in my imagination it’s very Simone Biles, very elegant, it’s probably not, but just feeling, walking, I pretend to be an underwater dinosaur, it makes me very happy.

And I realise that I’m working with my brain, I’m going to four yoga classes a week most weeks, I’m swimming in the pool three times a week most weeks, time in the steam room to completely relax, still doing my practically almost every day yoga nidra, I facilitated one of my Westport Lunar Circles last night (at time of recording) and created a lovely yoga nidra for the group there.

I just adore yoga nidra because it helps with dopamine, it helps with deep rest and relaxation, it gives our wandering brain something to focus on, to dip in and out of, the balancing poses in yoga can be really helpful, the following the instructions, the listening to someone else, and taking that moment, any kind of exercise, really, really wonderful for us.

I’m not cycling as much as I’d like to be, the weather, unfortunately, since I learned to drive, I’m less keen to get out on my bike in the rain, and I’m not walking as much as I was. I am, but not up and down the lane as much, which I miss and I will get back to, but it’s a real privilege being able to attend so many yoga classes and swim a lot, so think about movement that works for you, think about movement that helps you.

I really see it as insurance, I see it as medicine, both for my mental health, for my brain, for the ADHD traits, for my mood and also for my joints, for my muscles. So many neurodivergent people have chronic pain conditions, also with trauma and inflammation, the body attacks itself so much, like going on, I want to do what I can to heal as much as possible.

And I also want, when I tell people in my imagination 97 is going to be my peak, I am joking, I know that there are things that I can do to make 97 hopefully as healthy and fun as possible and I want to do them, it’s not just enjoyable now, but thinking about my future, wanting to be independent, wanting to enjoy life for as long as possible, think about what makes you feel good, think about the kind of movement, the kind of exercise, the kind of activities, the kind of behaviours, the things that are easy to do and the things that take more effort.

I used to have to cycle a few miles to get to the pool but I knew that it made me feel better and it was worth doing, the cycling feels good as well, you might have something in your home that you can do quite easily, you might have things where you don’t have the energy to do the bigger things, you can do something that moves you in that direction, just get to know yourself, get to know what works.

Moving to the Love part, I’m accepting it, I’m accepting how lucky I was to be able to try the medication, I’m lucky to still be able to take it once, maybe twice a week and I’m lucky that I thankfully don’t need it when I’m hyper-focused on some writing or in sessions, it’s all the admin-y type stuff around it that it’s really helpful for. And kind of lifing, so it’s accepting my brain as it is, rather than arguing with reality, accepting the side effects rather than wishing things were different and reminding myself that even though there’s still that part of me that feels like I’m cheating on the days I take it, I would not be taking my glasses away or anyone else’s glasses away, telling them that they were cheating, trying to navigate life, being able to see better, anything that can help us, it’s prescribed. Why deny yourself something that might make a positive difference? You get to know yourself, you get to discern for yourself whether it’s working or not.

And the Heal part is that community again, the co-regulation, the collective care, and the connecting with others in the neurodivergence community, it’s been so healing for me. There are so many groups I’m a part of and most of my connections are online, but also being able to talk to in real life friends and community and so many of us are learning at much later stages in our lives, but I think even if I were only finding this out in my late 90s, I’d still want to know, because the better we know ourselves, the more we can set up our lives to support ourselves and each other better.

Notice the communities that feel welcoming, noticing the people that you can be yourself with, who you like, trust, who you feel comfortable, who you feel safe, welcome and loved with and notice ways in which you can be that for others as well.

Not at your expense, like you don’t want to be overly considerate of others, contorting yourself, making others needs more important than your own, but it can feel wonderful to help when it’s coming from that wholehearted place and when that help is wanted. Unsolicited advice is always criticism, I love that expression, so whether you’re taking medication, or you’re thinking about medication, or you’re thinking about having a formal diagnosis, because you would like to try the medication, because you’re struggling, let me know, let me know how it’s going for you and think for yourself, like give yourself a review right now.

You don’t have to wait till your next psychiatry appointment to just check in with yourself, how is your medication working for you? If you had a magic wand, what would be different? what would be better, what do you love? Let me know, email [email protected], or let me know in the comments and I hope that you found this episode helpful, really looking forward to sharing that with you and I hope you have a gorgeous week, thank you for listening.

As you think about this episode, I want you to imagine scanning your whole body, your whole energy field from the soles of your feet to your souls. Notice what has come up for you as you’ve listened and as you think about it now.

How might you show yourself some extra love, some extra care today, this week?

Make some notes, doodle, whatever feels good. And if it feels comfortable and you want to, email [email protected] or comment in any of the comment areas. Feel free to subscribe, rate, review, all the things. And thank you for listening. I’m your host and producer, Eve Menezes Cunningham. Find full links in the show notes and full transcript and let me know if you have any questions. Really looking forward to joining you again next week. Have a brilliant week.

This week, for the Spring Equinox and World Oral Health Day, I’m sharing some self-care ideas for supporting yourself through dental treatment with sensory differences.

I’d been feeling quite proud of myself for handling the gum surgery and all it brought up (flashbacks etc) but then, boom, dental claim rejected.

So this whole episode about advocating for yourself, with sensory differences and other AuDHD traits and symptoms, while helpful, didn’t help me with the finances of it all as I’d thought I had been advocating for myself and don’t know enough about dentist language to be able to discern in the same way that the insurance people do. I’d never had to deal with it before. So while I’m improving with the self-compassion but am feeling pretty frustrated that am €500 short and need to pay out loads more in two weeks!

And that’s life!

Progress not perfection!

Healing being far from linear!

And, with my ongoing aim to not argue with reality and ask how any problem is actually trying to help me, I guess I needed the gum surgery and couldn’t have made it happen had I known it wouldn’t have been covered.

What I really notice is that even with my lack of dental and periodontal jargon knowhow, my attitude towards myself is kinder. For most of my 50 years, I’d have been, “I should have somehow KNOWN” whereas now I’m like, you know what? I’m not a dentist. I have no idea what any of the labels mean and that’s on them for being misleading and not at least having a glossary with lay terms.

How about YOU?

As you watched or listened and scanned all your parts (including your teeth!) from the soles of your feet to your soul, what needs YOUR attention?

Are you fobbing yourself off in any way?

Look after yourself and let me know what helps you do the far less pampery and indulgent but very important types of self-care in terms of looking after your teeth, your finances and this one and only body you have for your entire life…

Le grá (with love),

Eve

CHAPTERS

0:00 Finding support and community around sensory differences

0:43 Podcast introduction and Eve’s background

5:09 World Oral Health Day and anxiety about dental care

6:03 Neurodivergence, shame and struggles with dental hygiene

8:49 Advocating for sensory needs during dental treatment

11:42 Healing after surgery and the impact of long-term infection

15:04 Using the Feel. Love. Heal. framework for medical anxiety

17:52 Self-compassion and asking for support during treatment

23:10 Collective care and involving others in your healing

25:06 Encouragement to seek treatment and share experiences

27:18 Reflection and closing thoughts

LINKS

World Oral Health Day -

https://www.worldoralhealthday.org/

Book bonus videos - https://solestosoul.ie/book/yoga-videos/

Metta meditation - https://solestosoul.ie/2019/10/02/self-care-metta-meditation-for-when-the-news-is-especially-challenging/

#worldoralhealthday

#audhd

#trauma

#dentist

#solestosoulcarefortraumaandaudhd

#evemenezescunningham

It was such a delight to talk to Therapy Growth Group and Good Enough Counsellors founder and fellow ADHDer Josephine Hughes again for Episode 101. Josephine hosts two podcasts (there’s a link to an episode I was on with her in the links below), Good Enough Counsellors and Gloriously Unready.

Previously, the Feel Better Every Day Podcast, you’re listening to what’s now the Soles to Soul Care for Trauma and AuDHD with Eve Menezes Cunningham podcast. Learn to love and care for all your parts, including your AuDHD and trauma, from the soles of your feet to your soul.

This week, Josephine shared her love of chocolate with my Míle Buíochas Mondays subscribers and in this full episode of the podcast, Josephine talks about the journey she took with her church community in terms of becoming more inclusive and loving.

“You can be fully inclusive and therefore be in line theologically with the Bible, or you can say, no, no, no, that’s not what the Bible says at all. And really between the two positions, people try and fudge it, but it’s either one or the other. So our church, very fortunately, decides to go for full inclusivity. And it was a journey we all went on together, but we did lose a lot of people.”

She also shares her love of music and ever-increasing self-compassion.

Again, as you listen, notice what you’re most aware of in your physical, energetic, emotional, mental and spiritual bodies as you scan all your parts, from the soles of your feet to your soul.

Let me know in the comments or by emailing me at [email protected]

le grá (with love),

Eve

HASHTAGS

#josephinehughes

#evemenezescunningham

#goodenoughcounsellors

#faith

CHAPTERS

0:00 Self-criticism and the idea of being good enough

0:19 Podcast introduction and Eve’s background

4:30 Re-introducing Josephine Hughes

6:03 The Good Enough Counsellors community and imposter syndrome

12:09 Ideal vs good-enough self-care

15:06 The importance of being heard and understood

16:20 Music, faith and feeling loved and accepted

21:02 Community care and finding an inclusive church

24:28 Advice to a younger self about self-worth

28:27 Where to find Josephine and her work

29:45 Reflections and mini energy and body scan

LINKS

https://solestosoul.ie/book for free resources including book bonus videos for 365 Ways to Feel Better

Episode 23: Josephine Hughes

Eve guesting on Josephine’s Good Enough Counsellors Podcast

Connect with Josephine

Good Enough Counsellors:

https://josephinehughes.com/

Gloriously Unready Podcast: https://gloriouslyunready.com/podcast/

Facebook Good Enough Counselling Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/goodenoughcounsellors

Imposter Syndrome

https://paulineroseclance.com/impostor_phenomenon.html

Read my interview with Marianne Williamson from Rapport, Spring 2009 https://issuu.com/rapportmag/docs/rapport_spring_09/24

Happy 100th Episode to Soles to Soul Care for Trauma and AuDHD with Eve Menezes Cunningham (formerly Feel Better Every Day)! Am sorting all the links to ensure my biggest rebrand since 2010 and some aren’t there yet so while I’m hoping you can watch or listen wherever you get your podcasts, please let me know if you have any issues (as well as any feedback, comments or questions!).

Am so delighted to have the fantabulous Dr Miguel Toribio-Mateas back with me to talk about how his self-care, Self care and collective care have evolved (since episode 24!) and his new book, ADHD Body and Mind: A Compassionate Guide to Rewilding Your Nervous System with Neuroscience, Nutrition, and Gut-Brain Health.

Described as “a book that speaks to both your biology and your belonging. It’s a unique, neurodiversity-affirmative resource that reframes ADHD as a natural neurotype, a different way of living and making sense of the world, rather than a disorder. It expands neuroscience beyond the brain and into the whole body. Showing how gut, microbes, breath, heart, hormones and immune system are always in conversation. ADHD Body and Mind reimagines nutrition and gut-brain health through a non-diet lens, offering flexible, compassionate tools that nourish body and mind without rules, shame or restriction and extends gentle invitations, not prescriptions, to honour your ADHD as a whole body-mind experience, rather than reducing it to symptoms to be managed. In a nutshell, ADHD Body and Mind is a companion, offering space to breathe, reflect, and return to yourself, again and again. It will help you reconnect with your body’s natural rhythms, release some of the weight of shame and perfectionism, and discover a way of living with ADHD that feels not just manageable, but meaningful.”

I am so looking forward to reading it! I’ve pre-ordered my copy (it’s out on 21st April!) and you can too, wherever you buy your books.

In the meantime, I hope you’ll enjoy listening as much as I enjoyed talking to him again.

le grá (with love),

Eve

LINKS

Dr Miguel Toribios-Mateas:

Listen to our previous conversation, episode 24 of the Feel Better Every Day Podcast wherever you get your podcasts or at https://evemc.substack.com/p/the-feel-better-every-day-podcast-b80?utm_source=publication-search

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drmiguelmateas

Website:

https://drmiguelmateas.com/

My new site

https://solestosoul.ie

CHAPTERS

(Maybe slightly off as re-recorded intro to go with the rebrand from Feel Better Every Day to Soles to Soul Care for Trauma and AuDHD)

0:00 - Being present and meeting others with kindness

0:47 - Celebrating episode 100

0:54 - Introducing Dr Miguel Toribio-Mateas

2:09 - A compassionate guide to ADHD body and mind

6:14 - Listening to your needs without forcing others

12:11 - Mindfulness, love and connection through animals

20:50 - Community, belonging and protecting your energy

27:24 - Learning self-acceptance over time

31:04 - Where to connect and final reflections

32:02 - Podcast closing and listener invitation

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Present means that if there is somebody else in the room and they have other needs, you appreciate that their needs are different, and how can you be kind towards them so when you expect them to understand that you need to stand up and fix the curtain, whatever that might be for you. The situation of the curtain is going to be different to different people, and how can you do it in a way that you’re kind to them so when you expect them to be kind to you and not tell you god you’re such a weirdo and feel oh I feel attacked because I’ve just been told that I’m like I’m a weirdo, but you know do things in a way that you find the middle ground and present.

Previously the Feel Better Every Day Podcast, this is now Soles to Soul Care for Trauma and AuDHD with Eve Menezes Cunningham. Learn to love and care for all your parts (including your trauma and AuDHD) from the soles of your feet to your soul.

Welcome to episode 100 of the formerly Feel Better Every Day now Soles to Soul Care for Trauma and AuDHD Podcast. I’m delighted to welcome back one of my early guests from episode 24, Dr Miguel Toribio-Mateas.

I still remember how nervous I was sending him that initial message asking if he’d like to be a guest when I was beginning. And he was the first person I heard the term AuDHD from, and he’s been such an inspiration and kind guide on this journey for me personally, just an absolute delight, so I’m so happy to have him back where he’ll be talking about how his own self-care has evolved but most excitingly his new book.

I hope you love the episode as much as I adore this person who has done so much to help me and others accept and work with our differently wired brains. Let me know what you’re going to do differently as a result of listening.

So thank you so much for coming back Dr Miguel Toribio-Mateas.

Thank you for having me.

You’re so welcome.I wanted you here to help me celebrate my 100th episode.

Oh wonderful, that’s great, I’m honoured.

And I also want to celebrate you and your work and your new upcoming book, so can you say a little bit about that?

Yeah, absolutely. I’ve got a book coming out, it’s called ADHD Body and Mind and it’s a guide, it’s actually the title goes on, it’s a compassionate guide to rewiring your nervous system with neuroscience, nutrition and gut brain health, and that’s what it says on the tin basically.

It’s a guide, it’s not a prescription, it’s not a protocol for fixing your ADHD, it’s about celebrating the fact that a lot of people will resonate more with certain aspects of it, some people may resonate with other aspects of it, some people might feel that they struggle more and I talk about the struggles, some people might think that it’s actually a source of creativity and I talk about that, so it’s quite balanced in that sense, but also it goes in four parts.

The first part is that kind of introduction to what is ADHD, how do you experience it, you know whichever way you experience it you can just make it your own, and then I move on to the brain and the nervous system, so what happens in the brain and the nervous system when you have ADHD and try to explain things up because I find that when I understand why something is happening it sheds light on it, so it’s not kind of like a mystical thing anymore, so you can understand better why we may be better at reading instructions as opposed to maybe hearing them, so we may be in a way saying yes I’m getting this and then it’s coming in an ear and going out of the other one, and when you try and remember something like you know three minutes later it’s gone because your working memory is not having a good day that particular day.

I talk a lot about all of those processes in plain English so people can understand them, nervous system, the gut-brain access and the gut-brain connection, nutrition and also spirituality and self-care, and that’s kind of like it builds up towards that because I find that with the best of intentions if you just focus on the biology of things, on the molecules and the, you know, eat this food because it will help you with focus or restrict that food because it will help you with RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) or whatever it is, you’re kind of like missing the fact that we are multi-layered beings and we have a layer that needs connection and rituals and kindness and spirituality, whatever that means for you, whether it’s religion, whether it’s just connecting with your Self or with nature or whatever that means for you.

There’s a wide range of spiritual practices and I think that’s really really important, and it’s not something that people talk about so much about AuDHD and spirituality, but I think it’s a really important part of it and it’s full of exercises that bring you back to the body. The whole thing that kind of like elevates the pitch in a way is that I feel that a lot of people with ADHD are, we are in our heads a lot of the time and not so much in our bodies, so I try to bring you back to the body with loads of kind of somatic kind of exercises throughout the book so you can return to your body, so you can feel more at ease in your body and that is going to have a knock-on effect on how you feel in your mind as well.

Yeah, wonderful, so I’m really looking forward to how your ideal and actual self-care in the various parts of the Feel. Love. Heal. framework have evolved, so the Feel bit, the regulatory, the things we can do to help ourselves, and you were saying before we started recording about the curtain, I don’t know if you want to say anything about that, but what are like your essential daily and regular practices and what would be your ideal?

Yeah, I think it’s from when we talked last time, I mean we talked about movement and that’s still important for me and particularly walking because I find walking really relaxing, so I know it’s exercise but it’s also really good for my mental health and I start the day with a long walk anyway with my dog and that sets me up for the day.

But also we were talking about these curtains, I’m in the room, I mean I’ve got these like heavy curtains at one end of the room and one of them had kind of come off the pole and I was looking at it the other day and it was completely doing my head in, it was literally just breaking my brain thinking oh my god I’m going to need to stand up from this meeting and go on and tuck the curtain into the pole because it’s just come off and it’s just distracting me.

And I had to do this because then I forgot when I finished the meeting and I went to do something else and then I sat with you and I was seeing it and I said I need to stand up and fix it otherwise I’m going to be distracted all the way through this as well. And I think celebrating those works and actually thinking, OK, well I’m not weird, it’s not that I’m broken or that I’m like, you know, I’m not an alien, my brain works like that and so what? Somebody else’s brain is going to work in another way.

And also doing it in a kind way that is not forcing your behaviours onto other people, like a get out of jail card, it’s not an excuse to behave in an unkind way towards people. So just because your brain might work differently or your nervous system might have different needs that’s fine and it’s excellent to celebrate that. At the same time what I don’t agree with is to force it on other people as a you know what I’m like, you know my brain is like that, and then being unkind to them because of any behaviours that you engage in... #

Access full transcript and more at solestosoul.ie/podcast

This week’s episode follows on from Episode 98 and the seemingly endless trauma triggers from the news. It feels like it’s been getting more triggering for years and years but amping up even more recently. I keep telling myself it’s all coming up for healing and sunlight is the best disinfectant. That, ultimately, we are in the process of remembering we’re all connected, we all deserve safety, connection, love and the potential to thrive and we’re creating a new, more peaceful, free and equitable – for ALL – world.

And we can do nothing to help ourselves or anyone else if we’re quietly rocking back and forth, in floods of tears, feeling helpless and hopeless. By coming together, supporting and speaking up for each other, we can find joy and hope (while doing the work we all need to do in the giant group project called life) in more sustainable ways.

This simple, quick and easy (the more you practice, the quicker it gets) not only helps to clear our own energy fields and connect with our own miraculous Self but it helps us clear the space in meetings, communities and the world at large so we’re ultimately defying the dystopia some people are perfectly happy for us to feel is inevitable. It is not. We get to remember the power we all have as individuals and to amplify it by working together, energetically and in practical ways, too.

Let me know a) how you get on with the meditation and b) what kind of world you’d LIKE to help contribute to building – comment or email [email protected]

le grá (with love),

Eve

This week’s episode follows on from Episode 98 and the seemingly endless trauma triggers from the news. It feels like it’s been getting more triggering for years and years but amping up even more recently. I keep telling myself it’s all coming up for healing and sunlight is the best disinfectant. That, ultimately, we are in the process of remembering we’re all connected, we all deserve safety, connection, love and the potential to thrive and we’re creating a new, more peaceful, free and equitable – for ALL – world.

And we can do nothing to help ourselves or anyone else if we’re quietly rocking back and forth, in floods of tears, feeling helpless and hopeless. By coming together, supporting and speaking up for each other, we can find joy and hope (while doing the work we all need to do in the giant group project called life) in more sustainable ways.

This simple, quick and easy (the more you practice, the quicker it gets) not only helps to clear our own energy fields and connect with our own miraculous Self but it helps us clear the space in meetings, communities and the world at large so we’re ultimately defying the dystopia some people are perfectly happy for us to feel is inevitable. It is not. We get to remember the power we all have as individuals and to amplify it by working together, energetically and in practical ways, too.

Let me know a) how you get on with the meditation and b) what kind of world you’d LIKE to help contribute to building – comment or email [email protected]

le grá (with love),

Eve

CHAPTERS

0:00 Power, self-connection and the benefits of this energy clearing meditation

0:51 Podcast intro, resources and weekly nervous system support

2:52 Defying dystopia through self-care, boundaries and compassion

3:53 Introducing the magnet clearing meditation

5:03 Why this meditation is quick, adaptable and beginner-friendly

6:09 Grounding the body and preparing the nervous system

6:36 Clearing above and below to release inauthentic energy

7:48 Clearing front and back for fears, pain and past experiences

9:08 Clearing left and right for giving, receiving and contribution

11:25 Filling the energy field with golden healing light

13:30 Clearing the path ahead and staying in your miraculous Self

14:59 Using the practice in daily life and difficult moments

17:02 Closing reflections, ripple effects and staying connected

FULL TRANSCRIPT

But as with all of my work, I’m wanting you to remember that we have more power than we think we do. Wherever we are in the world, whatever’s going on around us, the more we connect with and look after our own self, that highest, wisest, truest, wildest, most joyful, brilliant and miraculous part of yourself, the more we connect with our own energies and work with them, befriending our trauma, histories and ADHD brains, helping ourselves heal with compassion for ourselves and others. Yes, absolutely setting boundaries. And this is where this meditation comes in.

Hi, I’m Eve Menezes Cunningham and you’re listening to the Feel Better Every Day Podcast. You can find out more and access older episodes at thefeelbettereverydaypodcast.com and you can also access loads of free resources and find out more about the book, 365 Ways to Feel Better: Self-care Ideas for Embodied Wellbeing, the column I write for Platinum every month, other titles I contribute to, my work, loads of free resources I’ve created over the years.

I really hope you enjoy this episode and if you haven’t already signed up for my free newsletter, it goes out on a Monday, Míle Buíochas Mondays. Míle buíochas means a thousand thank yous in Irish, which I’m very slowly learning and it’s polyvagal-informed journal prompts to help you each week. There’s the gratitude practice element, figuring out more of what brings you joy on a daily basis, what helps you feel in that ventral vagal, what I call Purr! when I use the rescue cats with the Polyvagal Purrs approach and I also share some of my own gratitude, some of the things that have helped me feel more in ventral vagal that week.

Some of those will be resources that might benefit you and I also share news about upcoming events, special offers, things like that. The journal prompts also include encouragement to look at what is creating sympathetic survival responses (Hiss! with the Polyvagal Purrs approach) and potentially the dorsal vagal (Freeze!)

It’s really helping you learn to map your own nervous system, get to know yourself and get to support yourself and it’s all free. If you haven’t already you can sign up at selfcarecoaching.net and if you have any questions again let me know, [email protected]. I hope you enjoy this episode.

Welcome to episode 99 of the Feel Better Every Day Podcast. In today’s episode I am wanting to help you and me and everyone defy dystopia.

A big ambition. But as with all of my work I’m wanting you to remember that we have more power than we think we do. Wherever we are in the world, whatever’s going on around us, the more we connect with and look after our own self, that highest, wisest, truest, wildest, most joyful, brilliant and miraculous part of yourself. The more we connect with our own energies and work with them befriending our trauma, histories and AuDHD brains, helping ourselves heal with compassion for ourselves and others. Yes, absolutely setting boundaries and this is where this meditation comes in. It’s one of my favourites.

I work a lot with the nervous system and also with energy so the nervous system is incredible. It’s a wonderful tool. You’ll have access to older episodes where I go into that a lot and future episodes as well but today it’s an energy clearing meditation which I learned a long time ago in London.

It’s a magnet clearing energy so if you imagine a magnet and how easily it draws iron filings to it, there’s no hassle, there’s no stress. It’s just what’s meant to do. All of the energy in our energy fields is neutral when it comes to the planet. We can release energies that aren’t authentically yours, that get in the way of your miraculous Self and send them deep into the centre of the earth where they can be reused, transmuted, recycled for the benefit of the planet so they’re no longer clogging up your energy field.

The reason this is one of my favourite all-time meditations, I’ve been teaching meditation since 2001, 2002, different types. I did all sorts of complex ones through the crystal therapy training, through the yoga therapy. I adore many, many. I have daily practices myself. I do daily Metta, mindfulness, all sorts but this is something that is so simple and so quick and you can expand on it or you can do it very quickly. You keep your eyes open. You can close them if you want to but part of my training involved practising it walking through London, central London, Holborn.

I learnt it from Art Giser, the creator of Energetic NLP and it’s just really lovely and really quick and really easy. So if you are in a position to do it now, if you’re driving, do not close your eyes. Do not even do this although as you practice you’ll be able to do it when driving. If you’re in traffic, absolutely. If you’re stressed in any way, it’s one of those immediate ways in which we just release inauthentic energies and allow our miraculous selves to flourish.

So start by making yourself comfortable. So feet firmly on the ground. If they don’t reach, you may want to put a few cushions below you.

Connecting with all the parts of the body that are sitting, that are connected with the chair, just feeling that support, that earth’s nourishing supportive energy below you. Lengthening through the spine to a degree that feels comfortable for you and imagining a magnet above your head, a few metres above your head, gently, effortlessly, easily releasing inauthentic energies from above. Any headaches, anything you’re struggling to understand, make sense of, any blocks to you reaching your dreams, your potential, your connection with your intuition, any headaches of any kind, releasing all of those inauthentic energies up through that magnet above you.

You may think consciously of certain things, letting them go. It may just be like, just let whatever feels ready to go, go. And then imagining a second magnet a few metres below your feet, letting any inauthentic energies be drained from the lower part of your body, anything to do with the lower part of your body, anything to do with your next steps in life, direction, sense of security, safety, money, anything like that.

Just allowing those inauthentic energies to be drawn away easily, effortlessly, like iron filings to a magnet. Imagining a third magnet a few metres in front of you, drawing away any inauthentic energies from the front of your body, anything to do with any physical ailments with the front of your body, in addition to medical advice. And also anything around fears of the future, any challenging situations you have coming up, difficult conversations, just imagining all those worries, all those anxieties, all those stresses being easily and effortlessly taken by this magnet.

Then imagining another magnet a few metres behind you and drawing away any aches, any pains, any issues around the back of the body. And again, medical advice really important when needed, but allowing any energies to be taken away from the back of the body and anything you’ve survived, anything, any traumas, any bad ways in which you were treated, any regrets, any grief, anything you’re ready to let go of from your past, just allowing the magnet to draw it gently, gently, gently, easily and effectively away from you now.

Imagining a fifth magnet a few metres to the right side of the body, drawing away any inauthentic energies from that right side of the body, any issues with the right side of your body, and also any issues with the way you contribute to the world, to the way in which you give your energy and anything else, the way in which you show up, helping you show up in a way that feels safe for you, that as Gay Hendricks says, making your biggest contribution to the world in a way that also is doing what you love as much as possible.

So, spending as much time as possible doing what you love while making your biggest contribution to the world. So, this fifth magnet is releasing any blocks to that, making things easier in terms of you feeling valued and appreciated as you show up when you’re maybe potentially tired of showing up. So, It’s really important to defy dystopia and keep putting your beautiful, healing, generous energy out into the world, looking after yourself while you do it.

Allowing inauthentic energies from the right side of the body to be effortlessly and easily taken away. Final magnet, imagining it a few metres from the left side of the body, and again, releasing any blocks from the left side of the body, any issues with the left side of the body, and also anything that gets in the way of you receiving all the good life has to offer. Letting yourself be open to receiving things that you want, things that are freely given.

It’s not a matter of feeling bombarded or engulfed by what other people want to give you or put onto you. You freely choosing and then freely giving, but helping to clear inauthentic energies that get in the way of you being open to all of life’s goodness. So, you’ve got these six magnets working away, doing their thing, letting go easily, enjoyably, effortlessly.

And when you feel ready, let all of those magnets go deep into the earth, letting all of those inauthentic energies be taken, recycled, transmuted for the benefit of the planet. Now, imagine a few metres above you that you have a glorious golden ball of healing light energy, grounded light energy, and it’s spreading its magnificence to the top corners of your energy field and the bottom corners of your energy field. And creating, it might be a sphere, a bubble around you, you may prefer a different shape, whatever feels good for you.

But imagine this glorious grounded healing light energy coating this energy field for you. Really thick, gloopy, delicious golden paint covering every millimetre of your energy field. And once it’s coated with really delicious, glorious grounded healing energy, allowing it to fill up, creating a spa for your soul as you let yourself luxuriate in this glorious grounded light energy in which your miraculous self can flourish.

Nature abhors a vacuum, so imagining it really permeating all the areas in which you’ve released those inauthentic energies, letting it go deep, letting it fill you, every fibre of your being, every cell, every part of your energy field. Noticing how it feels and knowing you can do this for yourself anytime, anywhere, any place. The more you do it, you’ll come up with your own shortcuts.

Something to consider now is to imagine a little ball of beautiful, strong, powerful, golden healing light energy and imagining it bouncing ahead of you, thinking about the rest of your day, the rest of your week, the rest of the month, the rest of the year, the rest of your life. Just clearing your path, making life easier for you to connect with and stay with your miraculous Self. Being able to connect with others from that highest, wisest, truest part of yourself, knowing what you want, helping bring out the best in others.

And it’s not about imposing your will on others, you connecting with this energy. It’s like you walking through a crowded station smiling. Some people are going to be like, oh, and smile back.

Others might be and ignore you. That’s fine. But you by taking responsibility for your energy field and your miraculous self and creating the conditions in which you can flourish, it’s going to help you connect with others.

It’s going to help you connect with your resources and it’s going to help you help build a world in which everyone feels safe, welcome and loved and able to thrive. It’s going to help you heal your AuADHD brain and recover from your traumas.

Something I do most mornings is and also I do it in sessions. I do it out and about. I do it whenever I feel that there might be blocks. I do it when watching the news.

Do it anytime you’re feeling a bit icky. Just quickly release those inauthentic energies from all directions. And the most important thing is to replace it. Let yourself fill up with that glorious, grounded, healing, light energy and send that energy to situations you’re worried about, situations you feel hopeless and helpless about.

It’s a wonderful thing to do with any spaces you’re living in or working from as well. It’s really interesting how different spaces take different lengths and intensity off this meditation.

Sometimes you’ll experience a lot of energy has been released and other times it’s like, oh wow, that felt pretty clear. I noticed since moving to the west of Ireland, the energy really feels, it doesn’t take as long as it used to when I was in London and Essex, just it’s a beautiful natural landscape and fewer people. So notice, like I normally, as with the Metta moving out, I start with myself and then the room I’m in.

And then if I were doing it for the rest of the house, the whole space, the town, it could be a space you’re working in. Anytime I’m doing events or presentations, I try to have a look at the space in advance or teaching yoga classes or anything like that. Just doing that energy work in advance, clearing the space.

And then during the thing, it’s just a very quick magnet above, below, in front, behind, to each side. And the more you practice it, the easier it gets. But again, you could be in a challenging conversation, you could be feeling infuriated, you can ground and you can just consciously set that intention to release those inauthentic energies and create a space for your miraculous self, for their miraculous self, and defy dystopia.

Look after yourself. Know that everything you do to look after yourself has the potential to ripple out and help others. This is not about being codependent, but this is about us all working together.

That science of safety and connection, knowing that there is abundance, there is enough for everyone. And we’ve been conditioned by way too many oppressive systems over way too long to believe that we’re separate when we’re all connected. And everything you do to help yourself has the potential to help others as well.

So sending enormous love. Thank you for listening. And I look forward to sharing more next week.

If you have any questions or comments, do let me know, email eve at selfcarecoaching.net, or just comment below. This episode, like all of them, was produced by me, your host, Eve Menezes Cunningham. And if you haven’t already, and would like to, your subscribing or sharing or leaving a five star review or comment, engaging in whatever way feels good for you, feels right for you.

It helps me as many people with AuDHD and trauma histories as possible. I want to be able to help as many people as possible with this free resource. So please do, if you think of someone, share it or leave a comment, leave a rating, and of course, reach out, get in touch with me direct, if you’ve got any questions, either in the comments or email eve at selfcarecoaching.net. You can also access loads of free resources at the site, selfcarecoaching.net, older episodes of the podcast at thefeelbettereverydaypodcast.com. And you can book a free telephone consultation.

You can find out more about all the other elements of my work, lots of free resources, lots of ways in which we might work together. And most of all, I hope you’ll come back next week. Thank you for listening.

And I hope that you’ll put some of what you’ve heard into action and go easy on yourself as you heal your trauma and befriend your AuDHD brain. Thanks again for...

This is an unexpected episode on account of the pain the news is causing so many survivors (myself included!). How do we continue to function let alone thrive when the messages we keep on getting is that perpetrators rights to do whatever they feel like doing trump our basic human rights including safety?

I realise that this is a very sensitive topic and it is also a topic that impacts an enormous amount of people, huge amount of people, not just women but predominantly women and girls.

An enormous amount is coming up for healing. Sunlight is a wonderful disinfectant but if you’re feeling raw, tender, hopeless or anything else right now, know that you’re not alone. Know that you looking after yourself (and accessing all the available supports and resources you want and need) and not giving up is a radical act.

You deserve love. You deserve safety. You deserve care. You deserve pleasure. You deserve ALL good things and I hope the resources I share in this week’s episode will help you reconnect with your own favourites, too.

Let me know how you’re getting on by email or in the comments.

le grá (with love),

Eve

CHAPTERS [these may be a little off this week due to episode order changing]

0:00 News, sexual violence and collective triggering

0:27 Podcast intro, resources, and newsletter

3:04 Bandwidth, dysregulation and the Feel. Love. Heal. framework

4:46 Feel – nervous system regulation and embodied safety

5:45 Love – radical self-acceptance in painful times

6:15 Heal – community, accountability and collective care

7:39 Reclaiming your body and sensory self-regulation

10:06 Healing is not linear – from despair to thriving

13:19 Co-regulation, belonging and survivor communities

16:24 Survivor stories, activism and the power of solidarity

18:49 Power, oppression and not giving in to despair

19:45 Choosing gentleness and imagining a better world

20:47 Episode closing and next week’s episode

LINKS

7 Simple and Effective Self-care Tools for Trauma Survivors

https://selfcarecoaching.net/2018/09/28/7-simple-and-effective-self-care-tools-for-trauma-survivors/

https://selfcarecoaching.net/trauma/ Access more self-care, Self care and collective care resources

https://selfcarecoaching.net/feline Find out more about the Polyvagal Purrs approach

FULL TRANSCRIPT

We’re basically being given the message time and time again with Irish headlines about [convicted] sexual predators getting less [time in prison] than speeding offenders, with the whole Epstein files… So many examples of sexual predators getting away with it and that can be incredibly triggering.

Hi, I’m Eve Menezes Cunningham and you’re listening to the Feel Better Every Day Podcast.

You can find out more and access older episodes at thefeelbettereverydaypodcast.com and you can also access loads of free resources and find out more about the book 365 Ways to Feel Better: Self-care Ideas for Embodied Wellbeing and the column I write for Platinum every month, other titles I contribute to, my work, loads of free resources I’ve created over the years. I really hope you enjoy this episode and if you haven’t already signed up for my free newsletter it goes out on a Monday, Míle Buíochas Mondays. Míle buíochas means a thousand thank yous in Irish which I’m very slowly learning and the idea is it’s polyvagal informed journal prompts to help you each week.

There’s the gratitude practice element, figuring out more of what brings you joy on a daily basis, what helps you feel in that ventral vagal energy (what I call Purr!) when I use the rescue cats with the Polyvagal Purrs approach. I also share some of my own gratitude, some of the things that have helped me feel more in ventral vagal that week. Some of those will be resources that might benefit you and I also share news about upcoming events, special offers, things like that.

The journal prompts also include encouragement to look at what is creating sympathetic survival responses (that Hiss! with the Polyvagal Purrs approach) and potentially the dorsal vagal (Freeze!) It’s really helping you learn to map your own nervous system, get to know yourself and get to support yourself. And it’s all free so if you haven’t already you can sign up at selfcarecoaching.net and if you have any questions again let me know [email protected]. I hope you enjoy this episode.

Welcome to episode 98 [I CHANGED THE ORDER] of the Feel Better Every Day Podcast and I’m wondering how you’re doing with everything that’s going on in the news and I know that a lot of people are being triggered. We’re basically being given the message time and time again with Irish headlines about sexual predators getting less than speeding offences in prison with the whole Epstein files.

So many examples of sexual predators getting away with it and that can be incredibly triggering. I mean there’s a sexual predator, self-confessed sexual predator in the White House. He still owes E. Jean Carroll millions and millions having been found guilty twice and not to mention all the other horrors being inflicted on so many different kinds of people.

I thought I’d do this episode not to be triggering but to recognise that life is triggering and to hopefully help you with my Feel. Love. Heal. framework. The idea is to help you be mindful about your bandwidth on any given day and recognising what’s going to be the most supportive kind of care on any given day.

The Feel element is the regulatory self-care, the working with your nervous system, doing all the things that can help you feel better. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful but that’s not everything. The Love part is the recognition that you like everyone else including predators are part of the divine. Part of nature. We’re all connected. We all share this one beautiful planet and it’s about accepting how painful and how unfair and how horrifying and how awful so much feels and is without getting sucked into it. It’s the kind of not arguing with reality and also recognising it’s OK to feel joy, it’s okay to feel like caught up in the beauty of the beginnings of spring in this hemisphere. It’s accepting what is, it’s accepting yourself exactly as you are, recognising again healing isn’t linear and sometimes you might feel absolutely fine and other times you might be absolutely floored with despair and like kind of moving into that dorsal vagal (what I call Freeze! with the Polyvagal Purrs approach).

The Heal part is especially important with this kind of trauma, interpersonal trauma. Survivors coming together, women coming together, male allies coming together, proving not all men. Actions speak louder than words. Call your friends out. Don’t tolerate even the little comments which then are encouraging worse and worse behaviour.

Chappell Roan, there was something about the singer, she found out that her management company was involved and her immediate reaction was to fire them and it’s like be in integrity, work with your community, let yourself be held in community and make sure that you’re a safe person to be holding people in your community.

I realise that this is a very sensitive topic and it is also a topic that impacts an enormous amount of people, huge amount of people, not just women but predominantly women and girls.

There are way too many male victims and non-binary and trans victims of sexual violence as well and doing things like moving into the Feel part of the framework, doing things that help you feel safe in your body, first of all making sure you are as safe as you can possibly be now. Do what you can to make yourself as safe as possible and once you are safe let yourself feel into that, let yourself reclaim your body, let yourself connect back into what feels good, different types of movements, different types of like kind of experiment with massage, experiment with like any kind of pleasurable feelings that help you remember the privilege that we have in terms of being embodied, having these bodies that enable us to experience so much joy in the world and recognising that what was done to you should never have been done to you, should never be done to anyone, but you can and will heal and it’s about having patience with yourself and building up a repertoire of things that feel good.

I go on a lot about being underwater, yoga, things like that, but I feel really good when I’m like kind of cycling downhill, feeling the wind in my hair or doing an underwater handstand or really swimming my heart out or singing or like doing a stretch or balance or pose that’s feeling easier or just works in a really delightful, delicious way or enjoying a wonderful taste, food, drink, whatever it might be, enjoying the feeling of warmth or a delicious fabric like especially with sensory differences, with neurodivergence, get rid of clothes that don’t feel good, make your immediate environment as safe and as comfortable, as enjoyable to be in as possible. Delicious fabrics, I really love bamboo at the moment.

I’m kind of really enjoying that, but notice ways in which you can feel better regulating yourself and some of the things will take more energy than others, but by building up a repertoire, it will be much easier to dip in and out and then like I say as we move into the love part, really be patient with yourself.

Healing doesn’t happen overnight. When I was younger, when I wanted to be dead so much of the time, when I just found life so excruciating so much of the time, I never dreamed that there would be days where sure I think about flashbacks and things that I wish I didn’t still have to be dealing with, but it’s not in the same way as in my 20s when I kind of got bombarded with so many memories and so much pain and also getting sober, so having to deal with it sober, that was horrendous. And I wish that 20-something me knew how happy 50-year-old me is most of the time, but that doesn’t mean that it’s all of the time because with all the cruelty, with all the sadism, with all the oppression of various people like none of us are free until all of us are free, anything without intersectionality is just more oppression, so we have to love not just ourselves but all of, I mean the Bad Bunny thing about love being stronger than hate, gorgeous, absolutely, 100%.

Love yourself when it’s hard, love yourself as a radical act when you’ve been conditioned by abuse, by oppressive systems to hate yourself, to see yourself as not worthy, as lacking, as having to buy certain things or act in certain ways in order to be acceptable, loving yourself exactly as you are with your wounds in spite of your wounds because of your wounds is a radical act. It’s never easy in my experience but it gets easier, it gets less impossible and you have those moments where it’s like wow I never dreamed I’d get this far, so let yourself know healing isn’t linear and it is possible and you deserve to heal, you deserve to thrive, you deserve safety and you deserve to flourish, you deserve all good things and you are part of the divine and you are part of nature and I really hope that you will remember that and accept yourself in every moment exactly as you are rather than feeling like you should be over things or it wasn’t as bad as like some of the horrors you might be hearing about or it’s worse and you don’t know anyone else who’s been through what you’ve been through. I work with, I’ve worked with so many survivors and no one should have to survive.

Babies should be protected and loved, children, teenagers, all humans, we all deserve to be safe, welcome and loved and our nervous systems need that in order to thrive. Anything that was done to you, not your fault, you get to heal, you get to love yourself, you get to heal, you get to connect and moving into that heal part, the collective care part, the co-regulation part, it’s so important that you find community, communities that support you, that nourish you, that enable you to be your whole self. Maybe not all of yourself in one community, hopefully you’ll be lucky enough to find that but for some people it might be expressing different parts of yourself in different communities, it’s all fine, it’s all good and the more you’re looking after yourself, the more you’re loving and accepting yourself, the more you’re able to hold that space for others in your community as well as being held yourself. We’re not loners, we’re not supposed to survive alone.

If we give in and if we let ourselves get completely dysregulated and if we give up, if we go into that that freeze response and just, I spent much of my teens feeling like that, what’s the point, I hate being human, humans suck, let the cockroaches get on with it, they’d be kinder to the planet and everything else. But we have power as humans, we have power together and we have power individually and letting yourself heal, letting yourself imagine a better world, letting yourself dream of the kind of world you want for yourself if you have children, if you have grandchildren but for others, you don’t need to be a parent, I’m not a parent, I still care about everyone on the planet.

Think about what it will take for you to heal, for you to love yourself more and for you to do the things that you know will help you feel better and let me know what will you do in this really tender, sensitive birth of a newer, more compassionate world but chaos at the moment. How can you nurture and nourish yourself, how can you reparent that hurt child, that hurt baby, that hurt teenager who shouldn’t have been hurt, who shouldn’t have been abused, who shouldn’t have like all the things.

Let me know, email [email protected] if that feels good for you, I read all my emails or if it feels appropriate sharing the comments, I don’t want you sharing anything and then having a vulnerability hangover as Brené Brown calls them but let yourself imagine better for yourself.

Remind yourself there are so many survivor stories and they are the ones that can help us. The more we focus on the horrors and the perpetrators, the worse we feel, the more dysregulated we become and the more we give in to despair and overwhelm and just awfulness.

Let yourself read inspiring stories like I remember like for me when I was coming, beginning to come to terms with my history, V(formerly Eve Ensler)’s The Vagina Monologues was really, really helpful.

It was the play she’d written and she started V-Day, a grassroots movement to raise funds for activists around the world to end violence against women and girls and I remember reading on the website survivor stories and none of them were quite like my own.

I had like, it was long before social media, I’m talking like I got sober 2001 and but it helped me enough to know I wanted to go to New York and I got to New York for a V-Day conference when I first went freelance 2004 and just being surrounded by so many amazing women and survivors and therapists and artists and activists from around the world and like it makes me laugh.

I joke a lot about my first ever press conference as a freelance journalist was with Sally Field, Jane Fonda, Eve Ensler, Gloria Steinem had to go home early but I got to tell her her writing had saved my life and activists from around the world dealing with absolute horrors but with so much love and compassion and there’s so much power in community and there are so many amazing people doing so many amazing things.

Think of Gisèle Pelicot and how she put the shame on the perpetrator, on her ex-husband where it belonged rather than internalising it and I know her case was very extreme and very different to most but unfortunately it’s not isolated.

Think about E. Jean Carroll who is owed millions and millions, I think it’s 81 million from the White House resident because he has been found guilty more than once. He boasted about being a sexual predator before he was voted in the first time. It’s an insanity creating world to think about world leaders and politicians and judges and so many people who protect and allow and it seems like encourage because rape, abuse. It’s terrorism and it’s to keep a huge part of the population afraid.

It takes us much longer to do anything productive when we’re surviving and trying to heal than if we were all starting from a level playing field. I don’t want to be rambling too much, I don’t want to be bringing anyone down, I do want to be acknowledging that it’s a really painful time for many many people and you deserve better and just be as gentle and tender with yourself as possible, speak up when possible for yourself, for others.

I believe better times are coming, I really do. And we can create a better world in which everyone feels safe, welcome and loved and able to thrive and in which everyone on the planet, just as you have your dreams and goals, everyone on the planet, wherever we’re born, whoever we’re born to, all that potential, all that creativity, all that problem solving, the safer we can make the world for everyone, the more we can help everyone flourish.

It’s in all of our interests, so just sending enormous love from the west of Ireland, wherever you are and do let me know how you’re getting on either in the comments or emailing and I hope you’ll join me next week [for a special mini meditation to help you defy dystopia and then] my 100th episode where I’m delighted to have Dr Miguel Toribio-Mateas back to join me, the neuroscientist AuDHD-er and he has a wonderful new book almost out so really excited to read that and yeah have a gorgeous week and just sending enormous love.

Thank you for listening to the Feel Better Every Day Podcast.

This episode, like all of them, was produced by me, your host Eve Menezes Cunningham and if you haven’t already and would like to, your subscribing or sharing or leaving a five-star review or comment, engaging in whatever way feels good for you, feels right for you, it helps me reach as many people with AuDHD and trauma histories as possible.

I want to be able to help as many people as possible with this free resource so please do, if you think of someone, share it or leave a comment, leave a rating and of course reach out, get in touch with me directly if you’ve got any questions either in the comments or email [email protected].

You can also access loads of free resources at the site selfcarecoaching.net, older episodes of the podcast at thefeelbettereverydaypodcast.com and you can book a free telephone consultation, you can find out more about all the other elements of my work, lots of free resources, lots of ways in which we might work together and most of all I hope you’ll come back next week. Thank you for listening and I hope that will put some of what you’ve heard into action and go easy on yourself as you heal your trauma and befriend your AuDHD brain.

Thanks again for listening.

“We get a lot of meaning from creating spaces where people can come and connect, and feel like they’re in a place where they’re welcomed, and that some good things can happen.” ~ John Wilson, Co-director, Online Events

It was SUCH a joy to talk to Online Events’ co-director, John Wilson. As well as talking about his own ideal and actual self-care, Self care and collective care practices, he shares some of what he’s learned through co-creating such a nourishing online community for therapists, counsellors and supervisors.

Chapters

0:01–2:26 Introduction, movement and nervous system support

2:26–3:38 Welcoming John Wilson of Online Events

3:38–6:22 John’s work, community building and setting the context

6:22–9:10 The Feel part: movement, walking, and self-regulation

9:10–12:16 Sleep, flexibility, and adapting self-care when plans change

12:16–14:04 Letting go of perfection and allowing partial practices

14:04–16:59 The Love part: nature, presence, and remembering connection

16:59–19:01 The Heal part: community, meaning, and shared purpose at work

19:01–22:38 Leadership, slowing down, and staying connected under pressure

22:38–24:04 Advice to a younger self and sustaining long-term projects

24:04–26:39 Closing reflections, where to find John, and final notes

Links

Where to find Online Events:

Website:

https://OnlinEvents.co.uk/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/Online Eventscpd/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Online Events

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/Online Events/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/Online Events_saz

Episode 86: Tracy Otsuka on the 43% of ADHDers with Excellent Mental Health

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Definitely movement is helpful for me. I’m not really a stationary person so anything that has movement in it is helpful for me. And that’s both physically and psychologically.

Hi, I’m Eve Menezes Cunningham, and you’re listening to the Feel Better Every Day Podcast. You can find out more, and access older episodes, at thefeelbettereverydaypodcast.com, and you can also access loads of free resources, and find out more about the book 365 Ways to Feel Better: Self-care Ideas for Embodied Wellbeing, the column I write for Platinum every month, other titles I contribute to, my work, loads of free resources I’ve created over the years.

I really hope you enjoy this episode, and if you haven’t already signed up for my free newsletter, it goes out on a Monday, Míle Buíochas Mondays. Míle Buíochas means a thousand thank yous in Irish, which I’m very slowly learning.

It’s polyvagal informed journal prompts, to help you each week. There’s the gratitude practice element, figuring out more of what brings you joy on a daily basis, what helps you feel in that ventral vagal, what I call Purr! when I use the rescue cats, with the Polyvagal Purrs approach and I also share some of my own gratitudes, some of the things that have helped me feel more in the ventral vagal that week. Some of those will be resources that might benefit you.

I also share news about upcoming events, special offers, things like that, but the journal prompts also include encouragement to look at what is creating sympathetic survival responses (that Hiss! with the Polyvagal Purrs approach) and, potentially, the dorsal vagal (Freeze!).

It’s really helping you learn to map your own nervous system, get to know yourself, and get to support yourself, and it’s all free. So if you haven’t already, you can sign up at selfcarecoaching.net, and if you have any questions, again let me know [email protected]

I hope you enjoy this episode.

Welcome John Wilson, thank you so much for joining me!

Thank you, yes, thank you for having me on the podcast.

My absolute pleasure. I know you through Online Events, I was one of the presenters at the conference last year for neurodivergence around the rescue cats [Polyvagal Purrs – selfcarecoaching.net/feline], and I just think you’ve done so incredibly with what you’ve created, and providing so much support to so many people. And I also, really obviously, I don’t know you very well, but you seem to embody this calm, or you exude this calm, where I imagine your life is anything but, with all you’re dealing with.

I ask my guests about their ideal and actual self-care, but I’ll start by just asking you to introduce yourself, and maybe say a little bit about Online Events, and anything you want to allow people to find, where they can find you online, or anything you want to plug or promote.

Thank you Eve, well, thank you for having me on the podcast, that’s very generous, and it’s lovely to be here, and be in the conversation with you, and the listeners as well. As you say, I’m part of Online Events, I’m one of two directors, a director with my sister Sandra Wilson, so we’re a sibling team. What can I say about Online Events, we started in 2009, so we were really early in the online learning space, particularly in the helping professions, so we’ve had lots of different kinds of adventures, and there was a big increase in the scope of our work over the pandemic as well, because so many more colleagues came online, that allowed us to run a lot more things, and create a lot more experiences for the helping professions community, so I think since the pandemic we’ve run just almost about 3,000 events.

Wow, that’s a short period of time, for an enormous amount.

Yeah, but it took us about the first 10 years to get to maybe, I think we were around 800 events, and then we’ve done, yeah, it’s really exploded, and we do about 700 or 800 events a year now, maybe about 10 to 20 conferences, so yeah, we keep ourselves busy. So although often colleagues are seeing me on the video, I’m just the face of a very very good team.

I mean it’s not, obviously, as a director, as a co-founder, you have set the tone for that team, you have like kind of, don’t sell yourself short, but I will ask you, so where can, there’ll be a link in the show notes, but it’s Online Events.co.uk isn’t it, with just one e in the middle.

Yes, that’s a really important part, I learnt from experience.

Yes, okay, thank you for that. It seemed like a cool idea when we started the company, but I think it’s got a lot of people lost, but yes, Online Events, so you spell it onlinevents.co.uk, but we say Online Events, yeah.

And I’ll ask you about your ideal and actual self-care for the different parts of the Feel. Love. Heal. framework. The Feel bit is that regulatory lowercase, like hyphenated self-care, the things we actively do to help ourselves feel better. Sometimes we have the bandwidth for that, other times we don’t, and it can be easier to move into that kind of Love, self-acceptance, but often that’s harder, but that kind of what helps you remember you’re part of the divine, part of nature, you don’t need to do a thing to improve, and then finally the Heal bit is the co-regulation, the collective care, the community, the how you provide, obviously even more than I’d realised, community space for others, and also you’ve mentioned your team, but what else you use to hold yourself, like how you let yourself be held, so in each area the ideal and the actual.

If we start with feel and the regulatory, what would be your ideal self-care practices?

Definitely movement is helpful for me, so I’m not really a stationary person, so anything that has movement in it is helpful for me, and that’s both physically and psychologically. So of course working at the computer, there can be a lot of stationary times, so definitely having periods in the day where there’s movement, and you can imagine with all those events, and the team to take care of, the day can get really intense.

The ideal thing for me is to be up early, get a little bit of work done, get out and get an hour’s walk in, so that it’s grounded with some nature, and then back into work. Something about breaking, getting a little bit done, then doing something to care for myself, and to sustain myself.

While I’m walking, I’ll also have a meditation practice that I can listen to while I’m walking as well, so sitting and meditating isn’t easy for me, so if I’m in movement, and also having that kind of psychological and emotional experience while I’m on the move, can really help integrate that for me, it sets me up for the day.

Wonderful, what about later in the day? What would be ideal things to fit in?

The important thing for me is getting enough sleep, the temptation for me is just to squeeze the sleep time, and then of course it always catches up with me. If you keep overdrawing the bank, getting in a lot of trouble. So finishing work, having a little bit of downtime, and then making sure I’ve got enough time for sleep is really, really important. It sounds like a very basic thing, but that for me really impacts how my day and my week goes.

I interviewed Tracey Otsuka, who wrote ADHD for Smartass Women, and she said she used to get by on three or four hours sleep, and then she found out that it has huge health implications. She actually started setting a timer to sound like bells, pretended that she was Cinderella to beat the revenge bedtime procrastination and raced around to get to bed by the time she wanted to, to gamify it. I still have the revenge bedtime procrastination, but even remembering that it’s something, we live in a world that’s so go, go, go, but yeah.

So what helps you, you’ve mentioned they’re basic but they’re essential, if you don’t have time for your hour, and if you don’t have time for your full sleep routine, what would be the essentials? what would be the actual self-care? Well, I’m pretty good about getting my hour in the morning, and I think there’s something about having a non-negotiable in your day, but there are days when it isn’t possible, so sometimes I might still go out at the same time, but maybe just do 15 minutes, 20 minutes or something, or look for opportunities in the day where I might have a little break. I think, okay, I want to get out and have a little bit of movement, so I think it’s also easy for me to think, well if I can’t do what I’ve planned I’m not going to do it, whereas you can do a little bit of it, and I think that’s been an important realisation for me.

It seems obvious, why can’t you just go out for a little bit, but it’s easy to go, well if I can’t do the full hour what’s the point, and just kind of negotiating a bit with myself, or later in the day maybe if I had to have a busier start in the morning there might be a little bit of a space opens up later in the day, and that’s so important because it’s so easy for us to talk ourselves out of the things if we can’t do what we imagine is the idyllic thing, well won’t bother at all. A lot of people would love to do 15, 20 minutes, and they struggle to manage that, so just having that plan B, and yeah.

Yeah absolutely, and I think it’s more, I’m not able to quote who this is, but I was listening to something because sometimes I’m listening to the meditation and I’m like I’m not in the right mood, I feel like it’s not going in properly, and I was listening to someone saying about meditation, well if you go out in the rain it’s hard not to get wet, and I thought that was the kind of great thing, so sometimes I’m walking and I’m not managing to be that grounded, or there’s something else I’m thinking about, and it’s hard to get back there, but just sometimes I’ll just tell myself, or kind of remind myself of that little piece of thinking, and I think it’s really helpful to like something is happening, even if it’s not the full 100% experience.

Yeah, and it’s, we put so much pressure on ourselves don’t we, to have like the proper experience, rather than everything as information, and yeah, I guess I’m thinking just step by step, and like raindrop by raindrop, it’s very grounding anyway, you’re getting that fresh air, you’re getting the benefits of being out in nature.

And what about the Love element, the self-acceptance, the love archetype in psychosynthesis, the kind of you’re part of the divine, you’re part of nature, you don’t need to do a thing to improve yourself, what helps you with that ideally and as an essential.

Yes, I think that’s one of the things that the screens don’t help with. I mean I’m like everybody else, I’ve got a to do list, I’ll never get to the bottom of, you know that’s just part of life, and there’s always another email, or there’s so yeah, it is definitely a real challenge.

And I think being outside, ideally for me, water is really great, if I can be near a river or a larger body of water, really really helpful, but that’s not often that isn’t possible for me, so I might be walking along a road or something, not on the road, but a path that’s along the road, but sometimes I can be in a place where maybe there’s a little bit of trees beside the road, and so even just a little bit of nature is really really helpful to kind of feel part of that.

I was in a place a few weeks back, and it was really frosty, and I was kind of walking along a road with a path, and a kind of a wall with some trees, and there were some robins kind of jumping on and off the wall, and off to do their thing, and then I’m saying they’re coming back, not really to see me I suppose, but they’re doing their thing, and it’s just a tiny, tiny little thing, but it feel like you’re, I kind of had that feeling of being part of something, and yeah, yeah.

And what helps when you’re not, when you’re feeling potentially disconnected, what like helps you remember that we all are, and let’s say if you’re not outside, if you’re just at home or at work?

I think I’m lucky because every day I’ve got meetings with colleagues about events, or I’m in an event, or I’m also a psychotherapist, so I might be seeing a client or a supervisee, so really important in those meetings, not just to be all about the business of whatever the work is, but to also be in the contact, and that’s really, really important.

So it is in the course of the work, but like I’m kind of lucky to have lots of those kind of relational contacts, and I know at times, and this is a sign of getting disconnected, it’s like, oh got a lot to do, let’s hurry up, or let’s go on to the next thing, but just taking a bit more moment, to not just to do the work of course, but have the connection as well.

Yeah, so that segues beautifully into the heal part, the collective care, the community, and what helps you with that, like you mentioned your team earlier, you’ve obviously set up a strong system at work.

What helps you there in an ideal world, and also outside work, and what would be your one essential? Yes, well I think again, I mean I was going to say I’m lucky, but I think Sandra and I have created Online Events, and nurtured it, and kind of followed it as well, because sometimes it’s doing its own thing, we’re catching up, and it really is about community and connection and coming together.

And I think like often we can think about self-care as being really separate from work, but I think lots of colleagues in the helping professions feel this, it’s such an important part of life to have meaning and purpose in life, and I, Sandra and I, I think we get a lot of meaning from creating spaces where people can come and connect, and feel like they’re in a place where they’re welcomed, and that some good things can happen, and of course for Sandra and I to be in that too, that’s also very, very feeding and nurturing for us.

There’s like the getting of the meaning, and the experiencing of community. Hopefully our team has that feeling. I mean we also work hard, because I think what happens in the team happens in the wider container.

I think that’s a real source of nourishment and energy for me.

That is so lovely, and I’m thinking like in terms of like polyvagal guided approaches, like I use the cats, but that kind of ventral vagal, the pair, it’s all about safety and connection, and we thrive when we’re in that ventral vagal, like we feel safe, we feel welcome, we feel loved. The safer, I always think, when you go into any organisation, the people on the frontline, like at the checkout or wherever, if they’re not being treated well, it’s a terrible, like it’s also obviously terrible for those people not being treated well, but also it makes such bad business sense, because like when people feel valued, and they feel part of something, and they’re contributing, it transforms everything, and I love what you’re saying, even when you notice yourself rushing, that slowing down, and enjoying it, and what helps you with that when things are very hectic, like how do you slow down and connect?

Yeah, it’s a great question. It’s a really good question. Well, and I don’t always manage it. I think that’s the point of the podcast.

I don’t always manage it. So if anybody’s thinking, oh come on to Online Events, it always seems great, like at times we can be as a team, you know, like the furious paddling under the water, and sometimes we are stressed, because things aren’t going necessarily to plan.

I also think, well like work is such a huge part of life, and I want us to feel like we’re, like this is a good experience.

I want that in my life. There are other things I could do for work, and maybe it might be a bit easier. It could be more profitable, you know, like lots of, but I want to have a life where I feel like I’m doing the kind of things I want to do.

And Sandra and I want that for our team too, and I think that’s just a reminder of that, and the reminder of how easily that power balance can slip as well. Just because it’s nice for me doesn’t mean it’s nice for everybody else.

We try and meet several times a week, in different parts of the team, and I think being on Zoom, and seeing each other, and seeing each other’s faces, you get a sense of how is this going, or you know, and as someone who’s responsible for a team you can kind of see, oh maybe that didn’t land very well, you know, and maybe there’s a different way to say that, or a different approach to this project.

I think really being concerned about how everybody is, I think that reflection back to me is always a good reminder. And I think that’s different because from email or text communication, because it’s so easy just to fire off text based messages. But when you’ve got someone’s face in front of you, you can see how they are.

Yeah, that reflection is really helpful for me. Well thank you so much. Can I ask if you were to go back to 2009, or any younger you, what advice and love and care and wisdom would you like to share with you at that stage?

An interesting question. Well 2009 I still didn’t have any here, so wouldn’t be a barrier to keeping here. What would it be about? Well I think it’s like all projects. Sandra and I were so excited to get started, and so also concerned that we wouldn’t be able to, there wasn’t anything we’d be able to do, you know, or like we wouldn’t be able to serve the community in the ways that we wanted to.

And I think we’ve seen over the years, like if you stick at it things grow, not necessarily in the speed or the direction...

Sensory Soothers for Trauma and AuDHD this Brigid: Episode 96 of the Feel Better Every Day Podcast

Do you want to learn to soothe and support your extra sensitive (whether through trauma/s, AuDHD (autism and ADHD) or anything else) nervous system?

The Goddess Brigid (we had a bank holiday yesterday to honour her, as well as her namesake, St Brigid, yesterday) is associated with so many wonderful qualities. Use her inspiration, healing and wisdom energies to protect and work with your sensitive nervous system instead of pushing through.

I share some of my personal journey with swimming and sensory challenges, offering practical strategies for finding activities that bring you joy (glimmers) as well as triggering more challenging sensory issues. Navigate sensory triggers with self-compassion and create a self-care practice that honours your AuDHD brain.

#brigid

#sensorydifferences

#sensitivenervoussystem

#audhd

#trauma

CHAPTERS

0:00–2:24 Introduction, AuDHD, balance, and nervous system support

2:24–3:13 Honouring Brigid and working with an extra-sensitive nervous system

3:13–6:03 Swimming as sensory soothing, regulation and coming home to the body

6:03–8:16 Glimmers, play, balance and how swimming supports ADHD symptoms

8:16–10:23 The Feel part: identifying glimmers, benefits and sensory blocks

10:23–12:28 The Love part: self-compassion, adaptation, and working with sensory needs

12:28–14:04 The Heal part: community, co-regulation and choosing when togetherness helps

14:04–15:50 Closing reflections, encouragement and next episode

FULL TRANSCRIPT

I love the balancing elements in terms of ADHD, balance is really helpful in terms of working with the cerebellum part of the brain and that’s really helpful in terms of some of our symptoms.

Hi, I’m Eve Menezes Cunningham and you’re listening to the Feel Better Every Day Podcast. You can find out more and access older episodes at thefeelbettereverydaypodcast.com and you can also access loads of free resources and find out more about the book, 365 Ways to Feel Better: Self-care Ideas for Embodied Wellbeing, the column I write for Platinum every month, other titles I contribute to, my work, loads of free resources I’ve created over the years.

I really hope you enjoy this episode and if you haven’t already signed up for my free newsletter, it goes out on a Monday, Míle Buíochas Mondays. Míle Buíochas means a thousand thank yous in Irish, which I’m very slowly learning. It’s polyvagal informed journal prompts to help you each week. There’s the gratitude practice element, figuring out more of what brings you joy on a daily basis, what helps you feel in that ventral vagal state (I call Purr! when I use the rescue cats with the Polyvagal Purrs approach) and I also share some of my own gratitudes, some of the things that have helped me feel more in ventral vagal that week.

Some of those will be resources that might benefit you and I also share news about upcoming events, special offers, things like that. The journal prompts also include encouragement to look at what is creating sympathetic survival responses (that Hiss! with the Polyvagal Purrs approach) and potentially the dorsal vagal (Freeze!). It’s really helping you learn to map your own nervous system, get to know yourself and to support yourself and it’s all free. If you haven’t already, you can sign up at selfcarecoaching.net and if you have any questions again, let me know eve at selfcarecoaching.net. I hope you enjoy this episode.

Welcome to episode 96 of the Feel Better Every Day Podcast and this week we’re honouring the Goddess and Saint Brigid. It’s a new bank holiday in Ireland the last few years and Brigid has enormous associations with many, many things but particularly healing, inspiration, wisdom and protection.

I thought that for today’s episode we’d look at ways in which you might be inspired to heal and protect your extra-sensitive nervous system and to have that wisdom to stop pushing through and to actually work with what you need.

We’re going for sensory soothers. A few weeks ago I shared some of the ways in which I’ve made yoga more accessible to myself. Yoga, breath work and meditation as well as with countless clients and students. I was thinking about it when I was swimming and if you know me at all you probably know that I adore swimming, absolutely love it, but I’m also very averse to many elements of it.

Not just the cold getting into the sea but the getting changed, the noise, the hairdryer, hand dryers, any smells if people are spraying things, wet floors and ickiness in general. I struggle with an enormous amount but because I know how much I benefit from being in the water, I do it.

If I’m at the sea [or a lake or river] there’s the cold, the unpredictability of it all. There are lots of things and I think I realised I don’t remember swimming at school as a child, I remember I’ve got a picture of me as a small child at infant school, I remember us going at infant school to a local pool like it was half an hour away or something and everyone else in my class could swim and I couldn’t. I remember walking across the bottom of the pool and moving my arms like that saying, “please let me into the big pool” and they wouldn’t because I couldn’t swim.

And then I learned and I learned by playing. Playing is such a wonderful way to learn and diving for things, so I realised it’s not just the swimming, it’s all the glimmers I get, all the sensory soothing. I love, at the end, the hot shower then getting cooler and cooler and cooler and where I was younger I’d have turned it into a cold shower. Sometimes I do now but I use it very much as a what do I feel like today and where I normally go, you can adjust the temperature really easily in a way I can’t at home (I don’t dare adjust the temperature at home).

In the changing room, I can ignore most of what I find horrific in order to benefit from the jacuzzi jets, the steam room, the being underwater, I adore the sensations, I’m not a runner or anything like that but I love the breathlessness and the getting your heart rate up and the feeling held by the water, feeling immersed and cleansed and reset and especially when I’m in the sea even if it’s just for a minute or less it’s that just coming home to myself.

It was the first “resource” I had when I began my trauma recovery work, my personal trauma recovery work, the idea of myself way, way, way out to sea floating. I love the feeling of being held by the ocean or in a swimming pool if there’s enough room, I love floating face down, what me and a friend used to call Disturbing Position.

The actor Doris Day was apparently prescribed it for her anxiety but it is about breath control and there’s just something so relaxing for me about being face down. I’ve learned along the way (having been told off by a lifeguard in Sarajevo and various people) if I forget, if I get too relaxed it’s like so I generally move from that into an underwater handstand and I just adore my shoulders are much stronger again but I haven’t done my handstands up against the wall in a while.

I don’t want to risk hurting them again until I really feel ready but every time I swim I’ll do at least one underwater handstand and I just love that feeling of being upside down. I love the stretch throughout the body, throughout the abdomen, I love the balancing elements in terms of AuDHD, ADHD, balance is really helpful in terms of working with the cerebellum part of the brain and that’s really helpful in terms of some of our symptoms so these things that innately naturally feel amazing for my body are also helping me with my symptoms.

I love the warmth of the steam room, the heat, I love the feeling for my joints. If it’s empty I’ll do a bit of yoga in there and I love the ahhhh just after exerting myself. I love my DIY snorkel training where I’m at the very bottom of the pool doing things that when I was first learning how to do them I never believed my body would be able to. And I started that in my late 40s.

There are so many glimmers I associate with swimming, it’s a no-brainer for me anytime I’m down, anytime I need a reset. Anytime I need to feel human again I get into the water.

I’m sharing this in hopes that it will encourage you to think of some of the things that you might just have in your week, in your day as something that you know the glimmers make the sensory issues worth it while also having compassion for yourself around the sensory issues.

For the Feel part of the Feel. Love. Heal. framework, identify what it is that you enjoy doing, the things that bring you many, many glimmers that help you feel most like yourself and that are good for you, that it might be swimming. It might be something completely different but notice, identify, list things that bring you many, many glimmers and also identify some of the blocks to doing those things.

I told you (More Joy, Less Angst: Trauma-informed Yoga for AuDHD: Episode 93 of the Feel Better Every Day Podcast) about some of the blocks I find with yoga and meditation and breath work. But I’ve depended on them for decades for pain relief, for my mental health, for so many things. It’s the idea of not doing it, I might adapt my practice, I might change how I approach it but the benefits by far outweigh the sensory issues and it’s the same with swimming for me but by identifying blocks it helps me, like the pool that I’m normally a member at, it’s smaller than most pools, it’s smaller than I would like but it’s really lovely in every other way.

And it has sections where it’s adult only times of day where it’s adult only and that is really beneficial for me because I find crowds really hectic and I find noise very hectic. And it’s not that I don’t make noise myself (obviously I’m a human, I do) but finding that quieter time it means I’m not having to psych myself up to endure the sensory issues around the amplified acoustics and crowded hecticness.

Think about things that get in the way for you with the hairdryer, with the sprays, I’ve not yet found an antidote to other people spraying or the smells, oh my goodness, but I have compassion for myself.

We’re moving into the Love part of the Feel. Love. Heal. framework and the compassion is enormous. Whereas I would have told myself that I shouldn’t feel that way about everyone else in the changing room spraying and hairdrying, I don’t own a hairdryer, don’t know if you can tell, it’s like a bit haphazard but the noise just, if it’s really bad in the changing room I’ll put in my little loop earplugs, not ideal because I’m not fully dry yet, but I have that compassion for myself and do that with the sprays, I just tell myself I will be out of there ASAP and speed up and get out of there ASAP.

But the Love part, that self-compassion, the acceptance, the recognition, you don’t need to change a thing about yourself, you’re already part of the divine, part of nature and it’s about understanding yourself better, working with yourself better, supporting yourself better, so the last thing you need when your sensory issues are triggered is beating yourself up about it.

For example, with the snorkelling, I really struggle with the wetsuit still. I hate it, I hate everything that goes with it, the boots, the gloves, all of it. And I know that they enable me to stay in the water for much longer and with the snorkelling to go that bit deeper, decide for yourself the payoffs, what you can navigate, ask Brigid to help you, ask Brigid to inspire you and guide you and help you use that wisdom in terms of your own lifestyle, your own schedule, your own glimmers, your own triggers and I would love to hear how you get on.

In terms of the heal part of the Feel. Love. Heal. framework, so that’s the more community, collective care, we heal through co-regulation. I know for me with swimming, when I swim alone it is heaven, it’s just heaven. If I have the pool to myself and I’m able to float and open up and meditate and in the sea as well, often there’ll be lots of people around and it’s nice to say hello and I’ll go basically in a direction where other people aren’t, I sound very misanthropic, I’m not, I just do like quiet a lot.

Think for yourself whether whatever it is you want to do, it will benefit from community, like for example the yoga classes, they’re wonderful because of the community, swimming, it’s lovely to see people at the sea, it’s lovely to chat to people in the changing room but notice for yourself the times and days where you benefit from community and the times and days where that is potentially that bit too much and how you might make it easier for yourself.

Or how you might potentially bring your own community, like arrange with one other person to go for a run or a walk or a swim or a bike ride or whatever it might be for you, help keep you accountable as well as you being able to connect side by side, co-regulate and do something that feels wonderful for both of you in ways that don’t cost too much in terms of sensory issues and being able to soothe them for yourself.

Let me know how you get on, next week I’ll be sharing my interview with the delightful John Wilson from Online Events and I look forward to hearing from you.

This is Meadbh’s tale and I’m sharing more soon, there she is and have a gorgeous week. Thank you for listening to the Feel Better Every Day Podcast, this episode like all of them was produced by me, your host Eve Menezes Cunningham and if you haven’t already and would like to, your subscribing or sharing or leaving a five-star review or comment, engaging in whatever way feels good for you, feels right for you, it helps me reach as many people with ADHD and trauma histories as possible.

I want to be able to help as many people as possible with this free resource, so please do if you think of someone, share it or leave a comment, leave a rating and of course reach out, get in touch with me direct if you’ve got any questions either in the comments or email eve at selfcarecoaching.net you can also access loads of free resources at the site selfcarecoaching.net, older episodes of the podcast at thefeelbethereverydaypodcast.com and you can book a free telephone consultation, you can find out more about all the other elements of my work, lots of free resources, lots of ways in which we might work together and most of all I hope you’ll come back next week.

Thank you for listening and I hope that we’ll put some of what you’ve heard into action and go easy on yourself as you heal your trauma and befriend your AuDHD brain, thanks again for listening.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) can feel debilitating when you’re living with AuDHD (autism and ADHD). In this episode, I share some of my personal journey with RSD - even at age 50! - and introduce some practical tools that help me and which can support you in stopping rejecting yourself.

CHAPTERS

0:00–2:22 Introduction to RSD and nervous system–informed support

2:22–5:23 Why RSD is so excruciating and how self-rejection develops

5:23–8:15 Early criticism, negative conditioning, and the ADHD/RSD cycle

8:15–11:47 RSD in creativity, work, relationships, and self-worth

11:47–13:45 Self-acceptance, self-love, and healing RSD in community

13:45–15:58 Expanding life again: stopping self-rejection and finding support

15:58–19:40 The Feel Love Heal framework and non-violent communication

19:40–24:52 Giraffe and jackal energy: compassion, blame, and nervous system responses

24:52–27:54 Fear of rejection, shame, and a very human yoga story

27:54–31:55 Integration, encouragement, and closing reflections

LINKS

Episode 71: Shadow Work with Black Cats and Sharks

Episode 72: The “Independent Woman” Trap

365 Ways to Feel Better: Self-care Ideas for Embodied Wellbeing https://selfcarecoaching.net/book/

https://selfcarecoaching.net/2018/12/05/wellbeing-wednesday-advent-gratitude-practice-and-giraffes-and-jackals-for-better-communication-with-yourself-and-others/

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Welcome to Episode 95 of the Feel Better Every Day Podcast and it’s part one of on RSD, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, which is so prevalent with AuDHD and that’s autism and ADHD. And it can feel debilitating.

Hi, I’m Eve Menezes Cunningham and you’re listening to the Feel Better Every Day Podcast. You can find out more and access older episodes at thefeelbettereverydaypodcast.com and you can also access loads of free resources and find out more about the book, 365 Ways to Feel Better: Self-care Ideas for Embodied Wellbeing, the column I write for Platinum every month, other titles I contribute to, my work, loads of free resources I’ve created over the years.

I really hope you enjoy this episode and if you haven’t already signed up for my free newsletter, it goes out on a Monday, Míle Buíochas Mondays. Míle buíochas means a thousand thank yous in Irish, which I’m very slowly learning and it’s polyvagal-informed journal prompts to help you each week. There’s the gratitude practice element, figuring out more of what brings you joy on a daily basis, what helps you feel in that ventral vagal (I call Purr!) when I use the rescue cats with the Polyvagal Purrs approach. And I also share some of my own gratitude, some of the things that have helped me feel more in ventral vagal that week. Some of those will be resources that might benefit you and I also share news about upcoming events, special offers, things like that.

The journal prompts also include encouragement to look at what is creating sympathetic survival responses (that Hiss! with the Polyvagal Purrs approach) and potentially the dorsal vagal (Freeze!) It’s really helping you learn to map your own nervous system, get to know yourself and get to support yourself and it’s all free. If you haven’t already you can sign up at selfcarecoaching.net and if you have any questions again let me know either in the comments or at selfcarecoaching.net

I hope you enjoy this episode. I’m not normally someone who re-records things, my style is quite natural and unpolished and sometimes haphazard, but this is possibly the latest, since I started doing the podcast, that I’ve left it in terms of getting the episodes to my amazing virtual assistant who then sorts transcription and all out for me in terms of getting it all scheduled and ready for going out on Tuesday.

But I just woke up this morning thinking what I’d recorded I couldn’t share, I rejected it and that wasn’t my first attempt. It’s really weird. This is part one of a series, an occasional series, I was going to say part two would follow in a couple of weeks but I’m not going to put that pressure on myself.

RSD, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, Rejection Sensitivity Disorder, it is one of the most debilitating, excruciating elements of being alive with AuDHD, autism and ADHD. And I had no idea what it was until I began exploring ADHD however many years ago now and more so with the autism, with the ADHD medication treating so many of those symptoms.

But I’m 50 years old and I’ve spent much of the past nine months or so feeling like a teenager in terms of the RSD. I’m feeling it so, so strong and it always makes me laugh when people have other impressions of me because I know how excruciating life can feel from the inside out and also I’m aware that my bandwidth is lower with various things going on in life.

I thought I’d do this episode and I’m going to share some ways in which you can work with your own as well as giving you a bit more understanding around what it is. If you haven’t already come across, you probably have, Alex Partridge’s ADHD Chatterbox podcast, his gorgeous book Now It All Makes Sense has been out for a good while, been recommending that for a good while and he has a new book coming out Why Does Everybody Hate Me? which is specifically about RSD.

He’s doing amazing work in this area bringing together different experts and sharing his own experiences and I’m hoping that this, some of my own experiences as well as the ways in which you might choose to work with it will help you because ultimately we can’t control what happens around us but we can stop rejecting ourselves and I think this is where RSD is so enormous for so many of us with neurodivergence, with AuDHD, with autism, with ADHD where our parents potentially were undiagnosed, unknowing and they were projecting parts of themselves out onto Little Us’s and recognising, like I know when I look back, my parents, all the yelling, all the like criticism, they were trying to protect me. I then developed a very strong self-loathing inner critic but I understand they were both immigrants and they were not in the most welcoming part of the world for immigrants although I think it’s worse now.

I think they were both undiagnosed, autism and ADHD and they both had their own trauma.

I am very very fortunate that I have a lovely relationship with both of them, challenging as well but that I’ve been able to heal so much and I think the Inner Child work I continue to do, the reparenting I continue to do, I think it’s helping them as well.

I like to think that because sometimes that’s excruciating as well but I can recognise as a 50 year old that an enormous amount of the criticism and an enormous amount of like me being told everything I did was wrong, like from my London Essex accent, so every time I opened my mouth my speech would be corrected, the way I tied my shoelaces or held my pen or all these things.

Additude magazine which is for ADHDers, it’s an American publication, had a study a while ago and it wasn’t a huge study but the number has kind of reverberated around the world that ADHDers typically get 20,000 more negative inputs by the age of 10 than their neurotypical peers.

If you think about how we then start to police ourselves and how we then, we might make a mistake, we might do something embarrassing, we might do something ridiculous and in order to try and not be yelled at or criticised or bullied or made fun of or shamed or any of the things that have happened a gazillion times to us, we tear ourselves down. The attempt is to try and protect ourselves from doing it again in the future but of course it just makes it worse.

If you haven’t already seen the film Penelope, I recommend you watch it. It stars Christina Ricci, Reece Witherspoon, James McAvoy, Catherine O’Hara and I can’t remember who else, I’ve seen it several times but the message is just glorious and it hugely applies around any kind of rejection, any kind of sensitivity. Being a writer, professional writer since 2004, that has forced me to confront my RSD long before I understood what RSD was. I thought everyone felt like that but you can’t afford to not put yourself out there, your ideas out there, your work out there, no matter how excruciating it may feel if you want to share your work.

Same could go for being an entrepreneur and being any kind of creative person.

I was single for 23 years because I made some terrible decisions which were bad for me when I was younger and also the more I understand about RSD, it’s like just the excruciatingness of being, attempting to be in relationship when I was so rejecting of myself.

And I know that when I began building my business in 2004, a lot of things that I had to overcome and learn and expand into as a business owner, as a freelance writer, as a coach, complimentary therapist, therapist, supervisor, all of it, it all continually comes up for healing and then by the age, by the year 2022, I had the realisation that in spite of all this work I was doing on myself and with clients and with groups and with readers and with audiences, all of it, I believed that I was unlovable and that was why I was single.

I thought Yikes! If a client came to me and had recognised that, I would be working with them to help them heal because of course everyone is lovable, my whole business, my whole practice is based around us all like the more we can imagine ourselves as a beloved rescue cat for example, it can really help with that reminder that everyone on the planet, no matter how awful we might think ourselves or think others, we’re all connected .

I gave myself, I think, a month to start online dating and I put up my first profile I think on Valentine’s Day 2022. And I had a lot of fun. And a lot of excruciating, mortifying horrors. And mostly enormous curiosity about something I’d shut myself off from in terms of other people.

And then I met my partner that autumn. I still struggle an enormous amount with RSD and I think especially as I mentioned with the medication, with the diagnoses coming to terms with a whole new identity and keeping, having the epiphany that the more I accept myself, the more I love myself, the more I befriend myself and my traits, my symptoms, whatever I’m calling them that day, the easier it all is. It doesn’t make it easy, it doesn’t make it in any way. I’m sharing this just to let you know it’s part of being alive, it’s part, I struggle to know with things like this.

I know how excruciating I have found life and often still find life unbearable at many times during my life but I got through it and I built an enormous toolkit, wrote a book with 365 of them. I depend on so many self-care practices daily and regularly just in order to help myself navigate humaning in this world where rejection can hurt so enormously and I’m all about working with the nervous system and moving towards what feels good, moving away from what doesn’t, supporting the vagus, that soothing self-talk, all of it.

And also recognising that with RSD, sometimes we can’t trust our own AuDHD brains even though so much of my work and my life and my recovery is about recognising we all know ourselves best, it’s about remembering we’re part of nature, we’re part of the divine and sometimes we can’t trust what we’re telling ourselves, we need to really question the stories and a trusted friend, a trusted partner, a trusted therapist or coach or group. We heal in community, we heal by co-regulating and we can help others as well as accepting that support for ourselves.

I was recently interviewed for a feature for The Journalist on helping writers deal with rejection and I will share a link in the show notes when that comes out but it won’t be for a good few months. But I thought this really is something that can have a big impact on lives, on making them smaller and I hope that this episode will help you expand and go easier on yourself and find reminders for yourself, just where are you rejecting yourself, what aspects of yourself are you projecting out?

They might be positive parts of yourself, they might be things you consider negative, you might want to go back to the Own Your Shadow episode, I think it was for Black Cat Week, there’ll be a link in the show notes and yeah I hope you find this helpful and I would love to hear from you and you can email eve at selfcarecoaching.net or reply in the comments and I hope that you have community around you or are giving yourself permission to want community around you and beginning to build that.

I’ve started a monthly Westport Lunar Circle in Westport which is really lovely, a very small group, five maximum, it was six but I’m actually making it a bit more spacious with five of us and you can do that, you can join us if you’re local and want to and find out more through selfcarecoaching.net but you can find groups, you can create your own groups and know rejection is part of life and it can feel debilitating and it is worth reminding yourself that the RSD is not the truth.

We will start with the Feel part of the Feel. Love. Heal. framework and because it’s so much about self-compassion and about accepting ourselves, loving ourselves, giving ourselves permission to want what we want, need what we need, a huge part for me that keeps coming up is when I feel needy.

I’m in a phase of life at the moment where my bandwidth is pretty low and I’m dealing with a lot and some of that is anticipatory grief and I feel again really needy sometimes and I hate that.

I like feeling strong, I like feeling competent and capable and able to support others and I still do all those things, I love doing all those things and also recognising I need support. I need people I can trust and lean into and it can feel really painful and I can sometimes find old ways of being, popping into my head around wanting to push people away because I’m scared that they might disappear or reject me and it’s easier for me to reject them and I do my best to not do that.

I do my best to have open conversations with them about what is coming up constantly for healing and one of the tools I wrote about in the book, 365 Ways to Feel Better: Self-care Ideas for Embodied Wellbeing, which you can find out more about on the website and access lots of book bonus videos and there’ll be a link in the show notes, but one of the tools was Non-Violent Communication.

I have my giraffe from Kenya up there and Marshall Rosenberg developed this style of communication to work in conflict areas around the world, including families, so he worked, he was American, he worked in America, of course he did, but in the Middle East, in the North of Ireland, all around the world and he came up with the analogy of a giraffe and a jackal and there’ll be a link in the show notes to previous blog posts around this as well, but he felt that the giraffe had the largest heart of any mammal and the giraffe represents compassion, curiosity. It’s what we now would call Purr! That ventral vagal way of moving through life where it’s not conflict-free but if we can navigate it with an open heart, collaborating, recognising that there’s enough for everyone and we can heal together. It’s that science of safety and connection, it’s much easier to have empathy for our own needs and wants and to communicate them in a way that is clear and kind and that enables the other or the others to tune into how that lands with them and decide whether or not they can meet them or not and the clearer we are on what we know and what we need and what we want and the more clearly and openheartedly and lovingly we can ask for all of that, the better for all involved. There’s less resentment, there’s less confusion and so many of us have been conditioned out of allowing our needs and wants because we’ve grown up believing that it’s selfish to want what we want or need what we need.

Women have traditionally been raised, girls less so now, but for hundreds and hundreds of years there was such dependence on a husband because unable to earn a living in your own right, sometimes having to manipulate or having to be less clear about things. Kasia Urbaniak talks about good girl conditioning and I did a podcast episode, there’ll be a link in the show notes, around that and how we can come out of that by turning our attention outwards as well as inwards, but either way we want to do it with that open heart, with that compassion.

Giraffe Out is where we have compassion for others, so we’re able to see even when people might be expressing themselves clumsily, give them the benefit of the doubt, being curious, not putting ourselves in harm’s way in any way shape or form but just having that empathy, that curiosity, that compassion and harder for many of us is that Giraffe In where we have compassion for how we might have asked something clumsily or demanded it or withdrawn or gone into sympathetic survival or hiss.

I don’t know if you can hear Meadbh in the background here. So giraffe is what we’re aiming for in and out and in the feel part, that self-care, the hyphenated self-care, the regulatory, the things we can do for ourselves. I want you to think about people who illustrate that for you, demonstrate that for you, they may be people in your own life, you may talk to them, they may be people you’ve read about and like with ventral vagal, no one is in this the whole time.

If you haven’t come across Scilla Elworthy’s book Power and Sex, it’s how I heard about Non-Violent Communication decades ago and she gives a glorious example. She did amazing work dealing with nuclear decision makers. She was a peace activist but she knew that there’s no point just preaching to the choir and she was having challenging conversations and she found Non-Violent Communication really helpful.

It’s sometimes known as Compassionate Communication and she gives a beautiful example in the book where she has her dog at the training and the trainer’s dog who she gets on really well with, sorry the trainer, also has their dog and their dog is attacking her dog at a certain point in the proceedings and everything she’s learned just goes out the window as it’s just… it’s funny that Meadbh has come to join me because Meadbh has not been 100% lately and she’s been a bit more aggressive as well as more friendly with Rainbow and watching them navigate that and recognising my own patterns with other humans and trying to be more compassionate with myself when I go into sympathetic survival (Hiss!) and recognising no one’s in ventral vagal (Purr!) the whole time.

So jackal is the blame, jackal is the scarcity, jackal is that sympathetic survival, the adaptive survival response that so many of us have been conditioned into where it isn’t safe to make mistakes, it isn’t safe to ask for what you want or need and so we either blame ourselves, the Jackal In, or we blame others, Jackal Out, for not being psychic and meeting our needs.

For the Love part of the Feel. Love. Heal. framework this week, I want you to send yourself, send your inner jackal an enormous amount of love and know it’s fine, it needs acceptance, it needs to be identified and not listened to and not allowed to run wild through your life, rejecting yourself and