Solo Parent

If you struggle with situations in parenting that are beyond your control, this is for you.

As single parents we often have zero control over how our kids are being raised while they are with the other parent. We may feel powerless over the other parent’s values or principles that are counter to our own. Other times the struggle of parenting feels out of control because our exes don’t show up in our kids’ lives or participate as much as we would like them to. This can be so hurtful to our kids and we can’t do anything about that. Further issues can develop as our kids get older and start making choices of their own with friends or outside influences. Each of these challenges represent parenting when things are beyond out control. So, how do we help our kids, and how do we parent, when things like this are out of our control?

Single mom, Elizabeth, shares her struggle with splitting custody 50/50 with her son’s dad who has different values, different beliefs in God, and a different parenting style. “It really forces me to go into parenting with an open hand. Actually, it’s more like I have a closed fist and God is prying my hand open through this.” Joking aside, the struggle is real. As single parents, we worry about what’s going on at the other parent’s house. Some of what we teach our kids feels like it is constantly unraveling when they are not with us and when they come back, we have to start over again. Maybe you are walking intentionally toward healing but your ex is not. This can place stress on your kids as they see different things happening in each environment. So often, our protective side wants to come roaring out when we see our kids burdened by all of these dynamics.

Sometimes instead of sharing custody, you may have a coparent who, by choice or by legal decree, is not participating enough or as we want them to. It feels so helpless to want the other parent to step up and send a birthday card or call their kids. Even though we might have an issue with our ex, they are still the parent to our kids, and we want to see our kids bond with them in a healthy way.

For Kimberley, her ex would see the kids fairly regularly at first but then over time, it became less and less, until almost nothing as her kids got older. It’s hard to watch this dynamic and not want to say something but we have to bite our tongues and allow our children to love the other parent. Regrettably, even if we are quiet, when communication from the other parent becomes non-existent, our kids pick up on this. They start to see it for themselves, particularly as they get older. And, if their parent has been absent, our kids sometimes get to the point that they don’t want to reach out to them either because they’ve been hurt too much.

Robert shares an experience where he invited his daughters’ mom to one of their daughters’ birthday party. They were all planning on her being there, and she didn’t show up. Robert felt so helpless and disheartened. He had to come to terms doing what he could do as a Dad and then surrender the rest to God and let Him take charge of the rest.

It can be so easy to want to fix and smooth things over for our kids but we just can’t do that all of the time. For so long, Elizabeth wanted to do anything she could to get her ex to grow, to change, and to be more present for her son. She finally had to release this to God and focus only on what she could own within her own four walls.

We can’t control the other parent’s healing path, what they do as a person, or their desire to become a healthier adult. If we are trying to control those things, we will end up not being fully present with our kids. It’s hard to let go but, ultimately, it’s about trusting God and believing that He loves our kids more than we do. We have to take the high ground and release what we can’t control....

Being a single parent is complicated enough much less when we discover that our kids are the “problem”. Founder of Solo Parent Society, Robert Beeson, shares that one of the hardest parts of his parenting journey was finding out times that his kids weren’t making the wisest decisions. But that’s just part of life. Kids are kids. They are learning, they are growing, and they will make mistakes. But no parent wants to get the phone call that lets them know their kid hasn’t made the best choices.

Parenting can be overwhelming, and as single parents, we see our kids struggling to overcome the pain and hurts of life. Sometimes this pain comes out as bullying, depression, or acting out. How do we look at these struggles from the perspective of love-based parenting?

Crystal Paine hosts her own show “The Crystal Paine Show”, she’s the best-selling author of “Say Goodbye to Survival Mode” and “Money Making Mom”, and she’s the founder of www.moneysavingmom.com. Crystal is releasing a brand-new book called “Love Centered Parenting: The No Fail Guide to Launching Your Kids”. She wrote the book after walking through a difficult season in her own family and feeling called to share the lessons learned with others. Crystal has four kids from 16 years old to ten months old and is also a foster parent.

She wrote the book to help other parents not feel so alone, especially for those whose kids are hurting and whose pain is being manifested in challenging behavior and poor choices. Crystal said the key is recognizing what is underneath the bad behaviors. She said parents often see big feelings coming out sideways, in various ways like anger, depression, aggression, or anything in between. Crystal’s experience with this hit a crisis point the day she found herself walking into the emergency room saying, “My child is suicidal.” It was a day she never ever envisioned as a parent. Crystal said it just hit her, “That gut wrenching feeling of desperation that something’s really wrong and I can’t fix it.” Her child was so angry, mouthing off, acting out, and saying scary things. As parents, they didn’t know what to do so they started to work with a therapist. The therapist began to work with her child and after several weeks, she came to Crystal and said, “It seems like you are trying so hard to fix your child. What would it look like to walk with your child?” That question started Crystal on a journey to begin paying attention to how she interacted with her kids. So often, she said, something would come up - a phone call from school, the kids fighting, or someone acting up – and she would swoop in to fix it. She would correct and preach sermons and lecture. In her constant correcting, she realized she was spending so little time connecting with her kids and just walking with them. She began to recognize that, just like her kids’ behaviors were evidence of so much going on beneath the surface, that applied to her too. She was parenting from a place within herself that was operating from a set of lies that she was inadequate, a failure, and a disappointment. Those big feelings and lies below the surface were showing up in her continual attempts to manage and control their behavior.

To read the full show notes and links to her books go to -https://soloparentsociety.com/blog/2021/03/08/when-our-child-is-the-problem 

Life as a single parent can often feel like we are just maintaining safety and stability with little intentional vision or direction for our family. In the solo parent season, we can feel like we are just barely hanging on. Being intentional can seem like a lofty goal when you’re holding on by a thread, just praying and asking God for His grace to get us through as we raise these tiny humans.

Directing the course of our family as a single parent can feel daunting. We end up paying attention and reacting to the urgent things that come up while neglecting what’s important – creating stability and direction for our family in the new normal. Sometimes all we can do is hold on but, as we journey down the solo parent path, it’s important to be deliberate in our steps. To start effective parenting, we need a road map, a vision, or a mission statement to keep us focused on what is important to our family.

How do you measure success?

George Barna, leading researcher, and author, asked Robert, “How do you measure success?” He went on to explain that he asked because you get what you measure. Unless you know and identify where you want to go, you are never going to get there. A friend of Kim’s whose husband was battling cancer shared, “Life is a vapor. Evaluate and measure carefully.” We need to be intentional about our investment in our family. We need to have a definition of where we want to go and what we stand for as a family. Unless we have a direction that we want to take our family, we can’t and won’t get there.

Ann Voskamp talks about developing her own “family manifesto” that emphasizes the values and priorities that are important to her and to her family. Solo parent families can do the same thing. Creating a “Solo Family Mission Statement” doesn’t have to be overwhelming. A mission statement is defined as “a formal summary of the aims and values of a company, organization, or individual”. We can keep it simple and fun.

To read more and to down load a free tool to create your own Solo Family Mission Statement, click here - https://soloparentsociety.com/blog/2021/03/01/how-to-create-a-solo-family-mission-statement 

Let’s Talk About Sex

Talking about sex can be uncomfortable but it’s necessary. The world around us, through TV, movies, and social media, inundates us and our kids with images, ideas, and perspectives on sex. We almost can’t get away from it. That’s why it’s so important we talk about sex from a godly perspective so we can examine, filter, and correct the viewpoints we are surrounded by. God created sex as a gift. If we don’t talk about His plan and intention for sex, the only voices out there will be worldly ones that do not reflect God’s plan or design.

So, how do we navigate dating and sex with a healthy, faith-based approach especially in a world that has changed so much?

This can be especially challenging as we go from having active sex lives, while married or in relationship, to being single and finding our way through what seem to be changing values and expectations. Robert, Kimberley, Marissa, and Elizabeth gathered to discuss this, sometimes awkward topic, candidly and authentically about the following perspectives.

How has the dating world changed since you first started dating?

Sexual desire is natural and God-given

Dating and intimacy are about more than just sex

God created us for connection and intimacy, His way

What are some practical things we can do to prepare for dating?

So, if we can reframe our mindset around dating, what are some ways we can look at sex differently?

For the complete show notes go to https://soloparentsociety.com/blog/2021/02/17/let-s-talk-about-sex 

Many of us were raised to serve and give to others, and this is biblical, but this can become unhealthy when we give so much to others, we lose ourselves in the process. This tendency to give too much, to take on too much responsibility, to own more than we should in relationships, often comes from insecurities rooted in our upbringing and hurts we’ve suffered in the past. Perhaps our experiences taught us that others would reject us or get angry if we said no so we learned to pacify or overcompensate by being too accommodating. After doing this for long enough, we can fail to recognize we are caught in a destructive cycle. Unless we put up guardrails or boundaries, we are sure to implode emotionally, bringing our well-being and our relationships down with us.

Robert and Kimberley talked with single mom, Elizabeth, about how loving well includes boundaries. Sometimes we spend too much time worrying about other people’s feelings and saying yes to too many things because we’re afraid to disappoint them or have them get angry with us if we say no. While this may appear to be very giving and even seem like love, it really reflects a problem with not loving ourselves or respecting our own needs. 

Saying no and having good boundaries can be challenging for those who are Christians because we are taught to put others before ourselves. When we love ourselves well, first and foremost, we are able then to give our best yes to the right things. If we say yes to everything, our yes comes to mean almost nothing. Instead of coming from a place of genuine care and love, saying yes can become a subtle form of control. Too often our yes, our overcompensation, and our over accommodation, becomes a way to please people and seek man’s approval and not God’s, and often at our own expense. We are not called to please everyone around us. We are called to please God.

On today podcast we discuss 7 facets of love as a boundary.

*Boundaries help us give our best yes

*Boundaries require new ways of interacting

*Boundaries are God’s idea

*Boundaries with our kids

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When we look at the world around us so much has changed in the last year. With the pandemic and politics, there has been so much anger, grief, and fear. People are hurting and that hurt stirs up discord and division. It’s amplified when so much is out of our control.

We all face the temptation to react to the hate around us in ugly ways, but our mandate and calling is to love people like God loves us. On this week’s podcast, former single parents, Robert Beeson, and Kimberley Mitchell, talk together with single mom, Marissa, about how we can maintain love and teach it to our kids in a culture of hate.

When one person introduces hate to a conversation or situation, it’s contagious. But love is contagious too. The difference is that hate seems to affect us in the amygdala – where our fight or flight response lives. It catches us off guard and can grab hold of us if we’re not careful.

Hate is often a reaction. Quick, thoughtless, visceral. Love on the other hand is an intentional response, a choice, a conscious decision of the will. Love is more powerful than hate but it can be harder to access and display. It takes deliberate effort to love and to avoid the culture of hate. We must choose to love in measured ways that go beyond what might be a knee jerk reaction. We must choose our response carefully.


How do we love in a culture of hate?
*Pray for people.
*Remember that hate is more costly than love because it destroys relationships.
*Choose your battles. Some things aren’t worth fighting about.
*Listen more than you speak.
*Show kindness.

For the complete show notes with links go to - https://soloparentsociety.com/blog/2021/02/01/love-in-a-culture-of-hate

Rebekah Lyons, author, wife, and mother shares her strategies for balancing work, which for her includes writing, speaking, and traveling, with the needs of her busy family. Rebekah manages the load she carries by coordinating her work times while her kids are in school and her rest time while they are on breaks. She also pays attention to finding rest and rhythms of renewal each day, each week, as well as in each season.

Rebekah grew up with two working parents, both schoolteachers who pursued further degrees during her childhood. She saw their work ethic but also how they balanced the time they were able to spend at home with their family because they taught school and had the same breaks and time off as their kids. This showed her the importance of prioritizing time with family. Now, she does the same with her kids as much as possible.

Before learning to build rest into her life, Rebekah says, “I never knew what I wanted, where I was going, or why I felt the way I felt. There was no time for reflection in my life. I was always stressed, overreacting, trying to keep my head above water. The constant chronic phrase [in my life] was overwhelmed. When you live a life of overwhelm, you certainly don’t think you have the luxury of stopping. But, here’s the problem: you will burn out if you don’t pause. You’re going to pay the price of time one way or the other. When Jesus says, “Come into my rest”, rest requires pursuit. Rest is an action. Rest is very different than solitude. Rest is not numbing out, it’s not escape, it’s not avoidance. Sometimes we think the pause is, “let’s binge on Netflix” or “let’s go cybershopping”. No, the pause of solitude says, “This becomes priority”. Rest reminds us we’re not God. Rest reminds us that we’re not saving our kids, that we’re not the saviors of our home, our family, or our work. It reminds us how fragile and frail we are so we can receive replenishment versus always being the one giving it out.”

Why is it so important to build in rest and rhythms of renewal in our work and home life?

Rest is necessary
Rest is a command
Rest prevents burnout
Rest is a promise
Rest calls us to surrender
Rest in Christ is freedom from condemnation

For the full show notes and links go to - https://soloparentsociety.com/blog/2021/01/25/how-to-balance-work-and-family 

Our homes have become more than just a traditional home for us during the pandemic. It’s now our workplace and our kids school too. That’s why the topic of balance at home is so important. Our lives look so different than they did a year. Even without the challenges of COVID-19, a single parent home can be chaotic. We are juggling all kinds of things. So, how do we create a stable, balanced home life for our kids?

Here are 5 suggestions:

Develop a support network. Raising kids is difficult even with two parents. Without a network, we can easily become overwhelmed. Having a support system strengthens, reinforces, and encourages us as parents bearing the weight alone. Having people in our lives who fill us up is crucial so we can create a balanced home life for our kids to launch from.

Create a routine. This can be a game changer as a single parent! When we build a framework for our schedule and daily needs, we add consistency that can help us move forward with less chaos. Set a specific bedtime, get your kids alarm clocks so they can learn to wake up on time, decide on simple meal ideas that you go back to often. It’s hard to put these things in place but once you do, they become the best friend of a frazzled single parent! And, kids need routine. Routine gives kids security

Take time for yourself. When we invest in ourselves, we are investing in our home life too. This may sound counterintuitive but taking care of yourself pays dividends at home. When you are centered and present, you provide an anchor of stability for your kids. A single parent who finds daily moments of peace for their own hearts is in a much better place to establish balance at home for their kids.

Stay positive. This isn’t always easy, but we can choose our attitude. Yes, we will have days full of tears but after the tears are over, we have a choice. We can walk out of that trusting God and walking in the truth that He is with us. We can choose joy. Smile – often, be kind, hug your kids! Notice the good things your kids are doing. If you find yourself complaining, turn it around and find thing to be grateful for. This is where the rubber meets the road. Ask God to show you how to maintain a positive attitude even when life is complicated, because our hope is in Him.

Set aside time for your kids. We need quality time with our kids, and not just family time but individual time. Be deliberate about setting aside time to focus on each one. One on one time highlights their importance and makes our kids feel seen and loved. If your schedule is overwhelmed, it doesn’t have to be a ton of time. Quality time trumps quantity. Our intentionality matters more than the amount.

As you seek to put practices like these in place, remember to give yourself grace. We are all works in progress. Balance in any area is challenging, so give up the ideal of being able to do this perfectly. Perfect balance is impossible, but your efforts will pay off. Stay encouraged, single parents! You may not be able to measure the effectiveness of what you’re doing to stabilize your home in the immediate, maybe not even in the next five years, but your kids are watching and they are carrying it with them.

Single parents, as you seek balance in this new year, you are not alone. As you walk the journey of solo parenting, we want to offer encouragement and hope any way we can. Join our Solo Parent Society community by participating in one of our online groups meeting Monday through Saturday every week. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram...

Single parents, we know you have so many balls in the air. In the chaos, your minds are often filled with jumbled thoughts too. Each of us has limited ability and time to meet the expectations placed on us. Living deliberately can elude us. Often our focus is on simply keeping our kids healthy and fed as our thoughts swirl with work issues, financial strain, and questions on just how we are going to get it all done.

This week we are talking about balanced thinking. We know how important our minds are in shaping how we feel, how we choose to live our lives, and how we parent. If we can be more balanced in our thinking, we can be better parents for our kids.

Three strategies to renew our minds and have more balanced thinking are:

Choose your battles. Let go of consuming thoughts. Give yourself permission to let some things go. You cannot give equal time to everything.

Right size your expectations. Remember, you are not two parents. You are only one. You are capable of only so much. Take the pressure off yourself!

Redefine success through God’s eyes. Realize that you are living for an Audience of One, our heavenly Father who loves us. Living through the lens of God’s acceptance and approval helps us redefine our priorities and choose what is most important instead of living according to the push and pull of what the world tells us.

For complete show notes and links go to - https://soloparentsociety.com/blog/2021/01/11/how-to-have-balanced-thinking