Solo Parent

Single parents, relying on one income, often face financial challenges, whether it’s always been that way or due to divorce or loss of a spouse. Variables such as child support, alimony, or a lack of either are factors that add to the complexity. Chris Hogan, financial expert with Ramsey Solutions, shares that even with these unique circumstances, the solution for single-parent families is similar to what every household needs - a clear road map to follow so they can move toward financial stability.

Chris is passionate about empowering people to gain control of their finances by making budgeting simple. He shares that regardless of the amount of income or expenses for any household, the common denominator to gain control over your finances is to begin using a budget.

A budget is a tool

For some of us, the idea of budgeting seems scary and complex, maybe even overwhelming, or impossible. Chris shares that using a budget doesn’t have to be any of those things. Rather, a budget is a powerful tool for healthy control over your money and a huge step toward personal freedom.

Budgeting brings freedom

The first step in developing a budget is understanding how much money you have coming in and going out. Determining how much income you have and knowing your expenses helps you begin to gain control over your finances. Rather than looking at a budget as a restrictive tool or punishment, we need to change our mindset, and look at it as a tool for personal freedom and success.  Financial guru, Rachel Cruze says, “A budget gives you permission to enjoy” and this echoes Chris’ approach. A budget is meant to be used for our good so that when we do want to spend money on dinner out or buying something we want, we don’t have to be nervous about our card being declined or a bill being unpaid. A budget is a tool we can use to have a life we can enjoy while knowing our obligations are covered.

Developing a budget, knowing your income and expenses, is the first step toward that freedom. Figuring this out will take several months but it’s time well spent.

Proverbs 27:23 “Know well the condition of your flocks and give attention to your herds.”

What comes to mind when you hear the word “budget”? Do you see it as a tool toward financial freedom and steps toward the life you want? Why or why not?

The Four Walls

Next, it’s necessary to be aware of the four walls we must take care of first. These walls are housing, food, transportation, and utilities. Notice, says Chris, he doesn’t include gifts in there, shoes, or golf clubs, or even eating out. Instead, we must take care of essentials.

Especially during the pandemic, incomes have changed, hours have been reduced, and more than ever before these four walls must come first. Budgeting must be intentional. If we know these four walls are regular expenses, we prioritize them. Look at the things that are taking away from these priorities. For example, Chris says if you’re eating out three or more times a week, that is taking up a substantial portion of your budget. Reduce eating out to twice a week at most or even better start cooking at home. This is a huge money saver and a way to take control.

The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. If nothing changes, nothing changes! Taking control of your finances means learning. Learning is uncomfortable but our kids are looking to us so it’s important to become an effective leader for them.

Redefining our dreams

Another part of the budgeting process is redefining our dreams. When we have control over our finances, we give ourselves the power to reimagine our future. As we learn to manage our income and expenses more effectively, even if the pie we are dividing up is smaller, we gain the ability to make new dreams a reality.

Chris knows budgeting for single parents can be overwhelming. Single parents...

Finding peace and security with finances is often challenging but it is especially so for single parents. During COVID-19, the stress is even greater.

So, how do we find peace and security with our finances? It’s tempting to believe the solution is found in having more money, but more money doesn’t bring more peace. Rather, peace is found in the presence of God regardless of our financial situation. This can seem like a difficult truth especially when we are juggling so much when it comes to bills, reduced household income, and the complication of child support. But peace can be found during the chaos of single parenting. Whether we have a lot of money or are living on a tight budget, a mindset of abundance and trust in God as our ultimate Provider helps us move into peace with our finances. Three perspectives will help us find peace and security in Him.

Check what we value

Generosity

Gratitude

Check what we value

First, we need to check what we value. In talking with people who have more money than they need or with those who need more than they have, we find that regardless, our peace is found when we keep money in its rightful place.  Whenever money takes the place of God, whether too much or too little by our standards, that’s when we lose our peace. It’s not bad to want something but it is important to identify how badly we want it. If our desires gain a higher place in our hearts than God, our priorities are out of whack.

Mark 12:41-44 tells the story of a widow who comes to present her offering at the temple.  While many others put large amounts into the treasury, she puts in two coins, worth very little. Jesus calls his disciples and tells them, “Truly I tell you; this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything – all she had to live on”. God isn’t looking at the amount of money we have or do not have. He is looking at our hearts and our priorities. This widow knew where her treasure was. She was not afraid to give all she had. She demonstrated her security in God and not in her last two coins. When Jesus saw this,  He recognized her devotion to God and gave his full approval for her actions.

Like this widow, we need to check our hearts and identify what we value. Money is never meant to be our master. We were never intended to value it above our relationship with God. Yes, we use money for the things we need but it cannot become a source of happiness, pride, or something we rely on to raise our kids according to godly principles. Money is intended to simply be a tool. Whether we have a lot of money or a little, money cannot bring peace or security. If we let money define our peace or security, our values are out of line with God’s intention.

Especially as Americans, we have so much already. Money can bring temporary pleasure, but our finances cannot be our source of peace and security. We need to check where our values are. Do we trust God and His ability to provide or are we counting on a worldly supply? Philippians 4:19 says “My God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory. We must regularly check our hearts and determine what we value most.

CHECK OUT ALL THIE SHOW NOTES AT - https://soloparentsociety.com/2020/10/06/money-finding-peace-and-security-in-our-finances/

Our guest, Ian Cron, is an Episcopal priest, a trained psychotherapist, and author and expert on the Enneagram. His book “The Road Back to You” is a key resource for understanding the Enneagram. Ian recently shared how this personality tool can be part of our healing journey. Ian discovered the Enneagram in 1994 through a book written by Richard Rohr from a Christian perspective. The Enneagram started as a spiritual formation tool used by Evagrius Ponticus, a desert father, in the 8th or 9th century. Much later it began being used by Jesuits and then beyond that into more common use. In brief, the Enneagram is a personality theory that identifies nine different types, each of which is characterized by a dominant motivation or need.

The Enneagram Types in Summary

Type Ones are called perfectionists. They have an unconscious motivation or need to perfect themselves, others, and the world.

Type Twos are called helpers. They are motivated by a need to be needed, loved, and appreciated.

Type Threes are called performers. They are motivated by a need to succeed, to appear successful, and to avoid failure at all costs.

Type Fours are called romantics or individualists. They are motivated by a need to be special and unique. Fours have a perception that they are missing something essential in their core makeup and the only way they can recover it is by projecting an image of specialness or uniqueness or specialness.

Type Fives are called investigators. They are motivated by a need to conserve energy, to gather knowledge and information as a way to fend off feelings of inadequacy or ineptitude.

Type Sixes are called the loyalists. They are motivated by a need to have safety, security, and support.

Type Sevens are called enthusiasts. They are the joy bombs of the Enneagram. They are motivated by a need to avoid painful or distressing feelings by chasing after and planning adventures, escapades, and a future filled with unlimited possibilities.

Type Eights are called challengers. They are motivated by a need to assert strength and control over the environment or over others as a way to mask feelings of vulnerability or tenderness in themselves.

Type Nines are called the peacemakers, sometimes the sweethearts of the enneagram. They are motivated by a need to preserve inner and outer peace, to avoid conflict at all costs, and to maintain their connection to others.

The Enneagram as a Way to Understand Ourselves and Others 

We can use the Enneagram as a way to understand ourselves and others better and we can use it as a tool to promote healing. Sometimes people will find out their type and take it no further but it really can be used in a profound way as a powerful spiritual technology designed to help people experience deep personal healing and change.

Ian says we aren’t actually our personality type. We aren’t a “one” or a “two”, rather, the word personality is derived from the word “persona” which means mask. Our personality is made up of adaptive strategies, coping mechanisms, early childhood programming, some temperament hardwiring, but for the most part, it is the way we learn as a child to move through the world and get your needs met. Your personality is in large measure a ‘cover story”. The Enneagram reveals to you who you are behind your personality. You are not your personality. You have a personality. There is an original essence that had to adopt a mask to survive but the mask that helps you survive in childhood will kill you in adulthood. If you continue to use those survival strategies, they work against you as an adult.

The Enneagram reveals the “imposter” of our personality. When we do the personal work of the Enneagram, we remain the same person who is still motivated by the need of our type but we gain freedom from using those coping strategies in unhealthy ways. Interestingly, notes Cron, each of the nine motivations...

Forgiveness is freedom and we want our kids to understand that too. So many times as single parents we can be so overwhelmed processing our own stuff that we can, understandably, overlook teaching and guiding our kids through important life lessons that we are learning ourselves. This is a perfect time to be passing down wisdom, but it’s hard to do that when talking about forgiveness, because in doing that we have to address the offending issue - and sometimes that is our ex. So how do we teach our kids the value and the steps of forgiveness without creating more division and opening up wounds

Today we are going to focus on a few principles to effectively teach our kids the value and how to forgive.

1. Create a safe environment

2. Highlight the benefit

3. Teach the method

4. Model what it looks like

For the complete show notes and links click here https://soloparentsociety.com/2020/09/22/1963/

How do we get past the things we’ve done or left undone, the weaknesses we have and the shame that we carry around? The concept of forgiving ourselves is difficult but important.

Chip Dodd, author, speaker, counselor and resident expert for Solo Parent Society, talks about shame and forgiveness. Chip shares there is a big difference between guilt and shame. Chip says, “We are all made to belong and matter. That is essential.”  Healthy shame is when we recognize our need for connection, love and care. Admitting these innate needs is the experience of healthy shame. This is the common human experience. Chip says, “We are all made to need, to feel, to desire, to long and to hope. The gift of healthy shame is humility. We are all made out of dirt. I need you. You need me. I make mistakes and so do you.” Healthy shame also says, “I’m not God and neither are you.” This recognition of being human allows us to feel empathy for ourselves and for others and leads us to compassion.

Guilt is whenever we do something that goes against a healthy value system. Guilt occurs when we do something that harms someone. Guilt occurs when we cause something, whereas shame is an awareness and understanding of our shared humanity. Healthy shame leads to good guilt. Good guilt is guilt that leads us to seek forgiveness for something we’ve done. Good guilt enables us to pursue relationship with someone we’ve hurt. Good guilt is restorative. Toxic shame on the other hand is not innate. It is something we take on when we are rejected often enough to internalize it into negative feelings or perceptions of ourselves. Toxic shame is not a healthy awareness of our humanity. “Toxic shame is contempt toward myself for being human”, according to Chip. This rejection of our normal humanity and needs is what typifies toxic shame. Toxic shame doesn’t come from God. It comes from those around us who have rejected and hurt us. “We begin to identify ourselves according to the relationships we experience”, says Chip, and this is where toxic shame comes from. 

With toxic shame, to be in need is humiliating. With healthy shame, to be in need is humility. Toxic shame leads to seeking relief often in the form of addiction or unhealthy performance. In his book, Hope in the Age of Addiction, Chip shares that addiction is a reaction to toxic shame. We overcome toxic shame by embracing healthy shame. Healthy shame is the portal toward overall health. 

For the complete show notes and links click here - https://soloparentsociety.com/2020/09/15/shame-forgiving-ourselves/

To move forward after we’ve experienced hurt in our lives, we need to forgive and let go. But letting go is far from easy. 

Letting go and having a painful emotional state lifted is a process and one that is relevant and necessary for everyone, not just single parents. We’ve all been hurt, and a natural reaction is to want to protect ourselves from future pain. We do this by holding on to the pain of the past to remind us not to risk going through that again. But this control is just an illusion. Even with our best efforts, we can’t avoid the possibility of future hurt yet we hang on tight to our hurts hoping that the memory will keep us from being vulnerable again. If we forget, we might get hurt again. Protecting ourselves feels like our number one priority. But relationships require risk so we must let go if we want to live into our future and open opportunities to connect in meaningful ways again. Accepting that hurts are a normal part of life is necessary, and that acceptance opens the door to being able to let go. 

Letting go is difficult when you are still in contact with a person who has hurt you or someone you love. It can be triggering to engage with that person especially if their behavior continues. Even if hurts aren’t happening anymore, we can still hang on. And sometimes, we have a hard time letting go of mistakes we’ve made or shame we are carrying but letting go is important if we are to move on with freedom and health. 

Letting go is a process and a necessary one as we are healing. To let go and move into freedom and health, there are three things we can do to help with this process, and these are things we can do daily: 

Confession

Surrender

Patience

To read the full show notes click here - https://soloparentsociety.com/2020/09/09/3-steps-to-letting-go/

If you are a single parent, there is no way you haven’t been hurt by someone or something. Whether it be betrayal, abandonment, maybe even God allowing a spouse to die, we have all been wounded in some way. We have good reason to be angry for what we have been through. Often, the idea of forgiveness isn’t something we even want to do. We know God tells us we should. We have heard it is the right thing to do. But no one can just flip a switch and act like nothing bad ever happened or was done. If you have struggled with forgiveness, we have found six steps to be helpful in working toward forgiving those who have hurt you.  

Ephesians 3:17-20 says, “And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” 

First, let's define forgiveness. Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve your forgiveness.

Equally important is what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is NOT saying:

-You were not hurt by what the other person did.

-Your pain is gone.

-Life can now pick up where you left off or feel the way you did before, as if what happened never happened.

-You no longer believe the other person was responsible for causing harm.

-You excuse the other person’s behavior.

-You no longer view what happened as important.

-You share the blame for what happened.

-You can ever forget what happened.

Entering into forgiveness does not mean any of those things. Forgiveness does not deny hurt or pain. It does not excuse what happened or make you forget. It also doesn’t mean you are responsible in any way, nor does it mean you need to reconnect or stay connected to someone you need to forgive. Rather, forgiveness is a step that brings you greater freedom as you discover the grace to let go of the need to exact justice or vengeance, or to carry the weight of anger and pain any longer. Forgiveness allows us to take back our freedom and ability to move forward, lighter and with less pain. 

Our Benefit

There are many benefits to forgiveness. A John Hopkins study concluded the act of forgiveness can reap huge rewards for your health, lowering the risk of heart attack; improving cholesterol levels and sleep; and reducing pain, blood pressure, and levels of anxiety, depression and stress. 

Forgiveness also benefits our kids. 

They are watching - every action, every word you speak, every facial expression, every action is being seen by your children, who will eventually emulate millions of things you and your ex do. For their sake, we need to intentionally move toward healing. We need to take steps toward forgiveness. We need to be free of our anger and bitterness so we can leave a legacy of grace for them. 

God’s Command 

A significant reason for moving toward forgiveness is because God commands us to do it for our good. Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Whenever God commands us to do something, it is always with our best interests at heart. His perfect sovereignty and knowledge of what we need to thrive as humans is rooted in His deep love for each one of us. If He calls us to do something, we can be confident He wants what is best for us and knows better than we do why it is important. And He doesn’t leave us alone to walk it out. It is His Spirit that empowers us to take each necessary step toward forgiving those who have hurt us. It won’t be by “might or power” that we are able to forgive but “by His spirit”, a foundational truth to stand on as we consider the steps...

Unexpected circumstances can shake anyone’s confidence. If you’ve lost a sense of strength and identity, you are not alone. You can overcome what you’ve lost and find your confidence again.

When others attack us verbally or with their actions, we can internalize it and feel like a failure. When we are a single parent, we sometimes lack confidence in being enough for our kids because we are not both mom and dad. We may feel like we don’t measure up because we are parenting alone.

Often, as humans, our confidence is misplaced anyway. We look to outside parameters to define how we feel about ourselves. We give other people the power to shift our self-esteem because we look to them to know who we are and to define if we are valued or not. Being divorced just highlights these insecurities and can increase our tendency to seek approval from others. But this is not where confidence is found. We need to know who we are and find our true identity but often the roots of insecurity go deep into our past and become echoed by our current circumstances.

There are two important things to keep in mind when seeking to find confidence again:

You are not enough

You have to change what you measure

Get the complete show notes and links here - https://soloparentsociety.com/2020/08/25/how-to-find-confidence/

Single parents have often gone through hard circumstances that can make them wonder if they can trust God. Divorce, death of a spouse, sometimes betrayal or abuse leave us asking, “How can we trust that the God who allows this to happen cares about us?” Sometimes we reach a place where we no longer feel comfortable trusting anyone. Going through a solo season can lead to further self-reliance and a desire to control things to avoid more hurt. It can be hard to trust anyone other than ourselves. 

In talking with single parents about the solo parent journey, we find different responses to trust. But, when circumstances happen unexpectedly, it can be very hard for anyone to trust God again. Today we discuss three key steps to trusting God even when we feel like the rug has been pulled out from under us. They are: 

1.Do it anyway.

2.Track God’s faithfulness.

3.Ask God for joy.

For the complete show notes and links click here.  https://soloparentsociety.com/2020/08/18/finding-the-courage-to-trust-god/

Single parents, we know many of you experience incredible emotional upheaval as you adjust to parenting alone regardless of the reason, whether divorce, death of a loved one, or a personal decision of your own. That takes courage in and of itself. But then we end up needing continued strength and resilience to raise our kids as a solo parent in the aftermath of our own pain and struggle. Facing the reality of being a single parent is daunting. We don’t want to damage our kids and the fear of our own inadequacy is real. How do we find courage to parent in our brokenness?

We talked to expert therapist, mentor, speaker, and bestselling author, Chip Dodd, to explore how to overcome these fears and move ahead with courage. Chip recently joined the Solo Parent Society team as our resident counseling expert and regular contributor to our podcast. Chip offers so much insight and wisdom in understanding healing and wholeness broken into 3 steps. For the complete show notes click here - https://soloparentsociety.com/2020/08/10/how-to-have-courage-to-parent-in-brokenness/