Authenticity is not about “being yourself” and excusing bad behavior in that way. It is about living from the inside out–expressing what you choose to believe and follow even if you are not perfect at it.

Husbands and Authenticity in Leadership

Husbands, you are important in the marriage relationship. There is no need to take a back seat and let your wife do all the work of managing the relationship. You were called to be a leader in your home and an authentic man will make the effort out of love for your wife.

You were not called to be rude or domineering, but you were also not called to give up all responsibility so your wife is forced to make all the decisions. Society has distorted the roles of husbands and wives, but the Bible has not changed. If that’s unpopular or even insulting, that’s not our problem. People can take it up with God. But at times we may be afraid to assert leadership for fear of looking like a bad guy. Here’s the thing–assert leadership without being a “bad guy” and you have nothing to fear. Leading from a place of authenticity is important because it becomes about what and who you love.

A Word to Wives

Wives, I know it can be frustrating if your husband tends not to take the leadership role seriously. How can you follow your husband’s lead if he sits back and lets you take over all the time? Is it because he is used to you taking charge? Are you actually taking the reins from him when he tried to lead you because you don’t like the pace he is going? Can you say you follow your husband’s lead if you don’t go his pace?

Build Love in Your Marriage

There are no easy answers to these problems but it all starts with learning to love each other from the inside out–authenticity! There are three ways to build love in a marriage. Learn about them in the podcast!

And if you have any thoughts or questions, please feel free to contact me.

God is the authority on marriage. He created it and designed it as a way to illustrated the relationship of Jesus and His church as well as lay the foundation for society to exist.

There are three basic divisions of this podcast to being out the values of a good marriage.

This involves TRUST. Do we really believe what God said about marriage? Are we seeking to “modernize” it? Are we sometimes embarrassed of the roles? Don’t let society tell you how it should be.

God’s Authority in Marriage

Genesis 2:18-24 and Matthew 19:3-9 are discussed in detail. Some of the points include the following concepts:

* Monogamy* A man and a woman* For life–only parting in death* Seriousness of marriage* Rightful place in our list of priorities

The Role of the Husband

* God’s authority did not commanded you to dominate your wife.* Love her.* Sacrifice yourself for her safety and for her wellbeing.* Honor and cherish her (not embittered against her)* Provide due affection

The Role of the Wife

* Follow his lead–let him lead. This is a coordinated effort and it comes from the authority of God.* Provide due affection (1 Corinthians 7:2; Titus 2:4–“husband-loving”)* Show respect to him (treat him with respect)* Domestic (“keeper of the home”) not a house slave, but one dedicated to making her home useful

I’m Here to Help if You Need It

Marriage is a blessing for humanity. Since God designed it, He also knows what it takes to have a great one! Do you trust that God would provide the best way? Are you going to trust Him by listening and obeying His will?

These are basic principles, but the application of them can be very difficult sometimes. If you need to discuss any of these things, please contact me. I care about you and your marriage.

And please join me in the next episode where we discuss the role of authenticity in marriage!

Kindness without assertiveness is not possible, because we have to DO something in order to be kind. And that is what this last part of kindness is about. We need to have COMPASSION on others and help all we can.

Jesus told a parable about compassion after being asked how to go to Heaven. Let’s take a look at it and see KINDNESS in motion.

Jesus on Compassion

And behold, a certain lawyer stood up and tested Him, saying, “Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?”He said to him, “What is written in the law? What is your reading of it?”So he answered and said, ““You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind,’ and ‘your neighbor as yourself.’ ”And He said to him, “You have answered rightly; do this and you will live.”But he, wanting to justify himself, said to Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”Then Jesus answered and said: “A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, who stripped him of his clothing, wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.Now by chance a certain priest came down that road. And when he saw him, he passed by on the other side.Likewise a Levite, when he arrived at the place, came and looked, and passed by on the other side.But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was. And when he saw him, he had compassion.So he went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine; and he set him on his own animal, brought him to an inn, and took care of him.On the next day, when he departed, he took out two denarii, gave them to the innkeeper, and said to him, “Take care of him; and whatever more you spend, when I come again, I will repay you.’So which of these three do you think was neighbor to him who fell among the thieves?”And he said, “He who showed mercy on him.”Then Jesus said to him, “Go and do likewise.”Luke 10:25-37

Any of us who does not learn to show mercy to others cannot see God.

Kindness is showing mercy, having COMPASSION on others in need.

What It Looks Like

How does this help a marriage and other relationships? Give people a break. Don’t be so hard on them. That’s not to say we should ignore our responsibilities toward them, but we should have some compassion. No one is perfect and never will be perfect while they are on the earth. That includes us. So let’s have some compassion when people are hurting and not demand perfection when they are trying their best.

The word, “assertive” implies confidence and strength, standing up for yourself. Believe it or not, this is part of KINDNESS.

The podcast goes into this in more detail, but here are the basics.

Assertiveness is not the same as aggression though. Aggression is also based on confidence, but there is a difference. Assertiveness comes and plays a basketball game with others while aggression seeks to dominate and control the game. It is a difference of respect for self and others–aggression misses that aspect of kindness.

Respect and assertiveness go hand in hand. The Bible is full of examples of assertive people.

Esther showed how to be assertive

In Esther, Mordecai went to Esther to ask her to speak to the King about Naaman’s plot. To enter the courts to speak to the king without him inviting her could bring an end to her life unless he extended his scepter to her. And that is what happened. She asserted herself and took the risk, and it paid off well for her and the Jewish people.

Paul showed how to be assertive

Paul in prison in Acts 16 is another example that comes to mind as an example of being assertive. The Roman authorities beat Paul and Silas and imprisoned them for no reason except that they cast a demon out of a young woman. But God intervened and Paul baptized the jailer and his household as a result. And then the jailer had to put them back into prison because he did not have the authority to free them. The next day the magistrates sent word to let them go (because they knew that they had nothing to charge them with) and this was Paul’s response:

“But Paul said to them, ‘They have beaten us openly, uncondemned Romans, and have thrown us into prison. And now do they put us out secretly? No indeed! Let them come themselves and get us out.’ And the officers told these words to the magistrates, and they were afraid when they heard that they were Romans. Then they came and pleaded with them and brought them out, and asked them to depart from the city. So they went out of the prison and entered the house of Lydia; and when they had seen the brethren, they encouraged them and departed.”Acts 16:37-40

Paul was not aggressive but assertive. The authorities mistreated them and they insisted that the magistrates recognize this fact. They could have used this to gain from them, but Paul seems to have had a plan to help prevent such abuse in the future for Christians living there.

The Relationship to Kindness

How is this related to kindness? It goes back to one of the root concepts of kindness: gentleness. You cannot have kindness without gentleness.

This word does not mean WEAKNESS. It is a word of strength. It contains the idea that we know who we are and have the courage to live within the roles God has given us. It’s not about taking a beating. We can live confidently within our own roles as God has defined them. The scriptures are full of such people. God did not give us a spirit of fear or timidity. He blessed us with purpose and a role for life. And we all need to live within that role, not going beyond it but fully leaning into it and filling it as best we can.

That is assertive living.

And that is the best way to live. It brings balance to kindness in that a kind person is certainly one who shows compassion, but also one who does so with the understanding that nothing and no o...

“Agree with your adversary quickly, while you are on the way with him, lest your adversary deliver you to the judge, the judge hand you over to the officer, and you be thrown into prison.”Matthew 5:25

This is some great advice for relationships. Jesus challenges us all to see relationships as things worthy of sacrifice–even for people who may hate us and hurt us.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.” Matthew 5:43-45

Jesus forces us to recognize that people should be treated well, not because of what they deserve but because of who we are. If we claim to be or want to be children of God, then we must act like children of God. God does good to the just and the unjust. So should we!

This is the kindness and love of God–demonstrated best by Jesus dying on the cross!

Being agreeable is one of the important parts of kindness.

I spoke previously about how listening can show important kindness during a conflict. (And kindness is an important part of a Christian’s walk.) Being agreeable is very close to as important as listening.

It carries within it the desire for reconciliation and the desire for peace because of the value of the relationship. So when we are in conflict, one of the best things to do is to take on an attitude of kindness and learning to be agreeable.

There is nothing wrong with the idea that we try to please others or make ourselves easier to like. This should never be done as a compromise of the truth, but when there is conflict, being agreeable can have great benefit to you.

The best way we can help resolve a conflict is to find ways we agree.

This is not agreeing for the sake of agreement. We don’t find peace through deception. We should never agree with someone just so we can get them off our back with no intention of actually agreeing. I’ve done that before and it is a sign of weakness and cowardice. No, but we CAN be agreeable. That simply means that in any given conflict, the more we can find that we agree with each other, the better off both parties will be. And here are a few reasons why this is true.

* We will being to see that we have much more in common than we do in contrast.* This will help us focus on the REAL issue and not all the ways that the issue can present itself. It will help us clearly define the problem we are facing.* The more we are like others, the more likely it is that they will like us. The less in common we have, the more fear may come in and harm the relationship. It’s a simple fact of psychology–the more people are like us the more we trust them. We all believe we are good and trustworthy. And if we see others like us then we will assume they are equally trustworthy. This is actually the foundation many con-men use to trick people. We can use it for good. FIND WAYS you can agree with people.

So Jesus said, “agree with them quickly”. That is, FIND agreement while you can.

This will not solve all of our problems, but it will certainly help!

Listen. Someone once said, “God gave you two ears and one mouth. That should tell you something.” Does God really want us to listen twice as much as we speak? It’s not a bad ratio.

In the previous episode, I discussed the need to focus on the relationship during conflict. Tied closely to that need, we need to develop our listening skills.

Listening shows humility and meekness. It is vital to KINDNESS too.

“So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”James 1:19

“In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise.”Proverbs 10:19

“He who has knowledge spares his words, and a man of understanding is of a calm spirit. Even a fool is counted wise when he holds his peace; when he shuts his lips,  he is considered perceptive.”Proverbs 17:27-28

Here are 7 tips to listen better.

* Look at them while they are talking to you. This gets on the nerves of older people sometimes when younger people do not look at them. It is common courtesy. If you refuse to look at someone then you are telling them that it does not really matter if you do not understand what they are saying. Why? Because much of our communication comes from body language. And if you do not look at their body language, you may miss what they are saying. To refuse to look at them, then sends a message you may not want to send.* Do not try to think of your response while they are talking to you. That is one of the quickest ways to ruin a conversation. If you are having a conflict, you can settle it much more quickly if you LISTEN to what they are saying. This includes NOT assuming you know what they are going to say.* Be genuinely interested in them and what they have to say. You may have heard it before and it may be a boring topic to you, but you can find THEM interesting even if the subject may not be. Endure it for a while and find a way to change the subject if needed. This really helps in times of conflict. Acting bored or annoyed can cause others to respond aggressively or even to pull back and refuse to talk about it anymore.* Notice differences in words between what you are saying and what the other person is saying. Sometimes conflicts come because we are talking about different things and assuming they are the same.* Keep an open mind–this is time to gather information, not make judgments. You don’t have all the facts yet, which is why you are listening to them. So seek to understand, not to overcome.* Repeat back what they say, in your own words, to be sure you understood and to show them that you are listening. This is very helpful in tense situations!* Give people the benefit of the doubt. Don’t assume the worst way to interpret their words, especially after the discussion is over. Reading back into the situation can cause more damage.

Listening is not all-powerful. There may still be much work to do in a conflict, but it is a great way to get to a resolution.

It is also a way to show kindness. That’s because you recognize the value of the person in the relationship and are working to be sure you understand him or her. That helps you to be able to function in your role toward them–that role of service and love.

Accepting the value of the relationship is tremendously important, especially within times of conflict.

“Angry words are lightly spoken, bitterest thoughts are rashly stirred, brightest links of life are broken by a single angry word.” H. R. Palmer, from his song, “Angry Words”.

Sometimes we can destroy a relationship in the heat of the moment. Things we say can cause deep resentment and harm, and some people seem to thrive on that kind of thing. But God expects His children to practice the fruit of the Spirit–and in this case the item of discussion is KINDNESS.

Two Sides of Kindness

From a biblical perspective, kindness is not about being a doormat, but it is seeing others both in relation to their relationship with God and within the limits and responsibilities of you own role toward them.

That means there are two sides to kindness–seeing people the way God sees them and seeing them in relationship to your role with them.

If you don’t see them as God does, you cannot be kind.

At the same time, if you do not recognize and accept your responsibilities in the role you have with them, you won’t function the way you were intended to function–and you will not see them through the lens of service and love. This of course is where MEEKNESS or GENTLENESS comes into the picture, and it is foundational to ALL the fruit of the Spirit.

Marriage is the Perfect Place to Apply Kindness

Conflicts in marriage are perfect places to apply the concept. God defines few roles more clearly than that of husband and wife. Kindness is a key element and one that I’ve seen couples ignore, especially when things get difficult in their marriage. I’ve seen men and women lash out and say some of the most hateful things you can imagine, and much of it is because they did not value kindness–or maybe did not understand how vital it is to a marriage.

Thankfully marriages are tough and can withstand almost anything for a short time, but if you want to have the best marriage possible, you need to focus on developing kindness. And one of the best ways to do that is to VALUE your relationship together. That requires some thought.

Now this applies to everyone in every kind of relationship possible. If you hope to keep friends, be kind. You may find yourself isolated and alone if not. And one of the most important principles of kindness is a recognition of the VALUE of your relationship. Also recognize the value of relationships in general.

The Bible has a Lot to Say About Kindness in Relationships

As far as the Bible goes, Jesus said that the greatest commandment was to love God with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind and to love your neighbor as yourself. Being a Christian means we learn how to love as God loves us.

“For we ourselves were also once foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving various lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful and hating one another. But when the kindness and the love of God our Savior toward man appeared, not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us, through the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Savior…”Titus 3:3-6

God shows His kindness in the Gospel.

Church fight. I have heard of people literally boxing each other out by the church sign in front of their church building for all the world to see. It’s a shame that others saw it. It’s worse that it happened in the first place. But why do some people tend to go to war against other people in a church?

The lesson covers the passage found in James 4:1-12

Where do wars (battles) and fights come from?

Church and Elsewhere

This is more specifically about church than any other place, but the reasons are all the same. James outlines them.

Lust: not just about sexual appetite, but it sure includes it.

Sexual lust is a problem, and it can certainly cause wars.

“But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”Matthew 5:28

Coveting is mentioned. Coveting is not merely wanting something, but wanting something that SOMEONE ELSE HAS. The desire may cause people to fight for what they want.

It might be that our friends have a car we want, and we might be tempted to just take it from them, especially if they are the only people who have it.

If it applies to marriage it is about taking your friend’s wife for yourself. No doubt a fight will come from that.

Notice that in this situation the person who possesses it is part of the desire. You want what someone else has. That means that a part of you wants to take away something from someone else. That may mean a fight or argument–even force being used.

A step beyond this would be envy. To envy someone means that you see they have something you want and you begin to see that person as being in your way to getting what is rightfully yours. So if it is your neighbor’s wife you are after, you might begin to hate your neighbor because he has her and you don’t.

It Comes from Improper Desires

Notice the end of verse 1–the desires for pleasure war inside your body.

There are two possible reasons for the lack in your life–why you lust after things you can’t have–

* You have not asked for them. Does God grant us every wish? Not at all. But still, ASK* You ask because of selfishness and worldliness, so you can enjoy it all for yourself. God may grant us some things we can enjoy, but God it NOT your genie in a lamp. He is not a gumball machine. He is not Burger King–you don’t get to do things your way.

The very fact that we would ask for something just so we can spend it on our pleasures shows a mindset that is deadly. It shows a love for the world.

A Worldly Fight

Verse 4. This is so serious he calls them adulterers and adulteresses! That is a reference to spiritual adultery. In the Old Testament God frequently used this to talk about His people chasing after other gods. And that is the point here–if we seek the pleasures and comforts of this world more than we seek God, we are putting up an idol in our hearts. You are worshiping convenience, pleasure, nice cars, women, men, sports–anything that we put in the place where God should be.

1 John 2:15, “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.”

Surely the church members have many

Reverence toward God is the beginning of wisdom. There is NO spiritual growth without the growth of this first and foremost. And growth is what we all want and need.

What does reverence mean? What does it look like? How can we develop it more?

In this episode, learn the three foundational parts of it and how to develop each part.

Here are the parts: Recognition, Appreciation, and Holiness. With these, you can develop a healthy fear of God. Without them, your reverence will likely be based only on fear.

Fear can be a good motivator, but it has limits. God does not want us to be terrified of Him so that we never approach Him. On the contrary, biblical reverence far surpasses a fear-based relationship and moves into a relationship based upon love.

Reverence is key to love for God because it helps keep us balanced. Love for God might cause us to overlook important details and approach God as if He were like us. That would be a terrible mistake. Reverence helps ensure that we do not take this relationship casually. It helps us to take Him and His word as seriously as they deserve.

Recognition

It’s a simple concept: Pay attention to what God has done and is doing. There are some exercises to help with this. The better we get at paying attention, the more we will develop reverence. It all begins here.

Appreciation

Appreciation means coming to an understanding of the meaning behind what we recognize about God. It is about enjoyment. There are three definitions of the word that we consider in the episode.

Holiness

A religion that does not change you has little value. Sanctification is the process of changing from who we are into what God wants us to become. During this process we are made holy–that is, we are “set apart” as different than the world around us. God’s nature not only teaches us to be different but demands it.

With these three parts, your foundation for reverence can be sustained a lifetime.

Boundaries help us serve others better. It seems ironic, perhaps, but while service is selfless, that does not mean we cannot protect ourselves. God wants us to be active in doing good things, but we also need some balance. We need to be able to rest and to protect ourselves in some ways from bad experiences.

There is a danger here in finding this balance. When we talk about this, we are talking about setting boundaries.

Boundaries Defined by the CEO Example

What I mean by “boundaries” is a set of rules we set in motion that protects our time and our finances from unwanted pressures and demands. It’s much like a CEO who hides safely behind his assistant when people call to pressure him in unwanted ways. While a good CEO might have some type of open-door policy for people to discuss matters with them, others have cleverly hidden so that it is almost impossible to actually speak to them if you have a problem with their policies or with your work.

They do this by assigning the tasks to subordinates, by blocking their time with appointments, and by making their assistants their “gate-keepers” so that only the people the CEO wants to allow access can actually get that access. It’s simply a way to keep out everyone and everything he does not want to handle, for whatever reason. This helps the CEO live a more “balanced” life, unburdened by all the problems.

Now with a CEO that makes sense. He doesn’t have time to deal with every problem in his company. That’s why there are managers and all kinds of people to make things run as smoothly as possible. But sometimes that means the CEO just doesn’t want to deal with problems at all and hides himself away, safe from the demands of his employees.

Applying Boundaries to Christians

Do we Christians do that too? Maybe we are like some I have heard on Facebook who will not accept friend requests from people in other countries because they fear being asked for money from them. Have you ever gotten a friend request and felt guilty for declining it? Are we simply hiding ourselves from people we could be helping in some ways? Then again, I know people who go even further than this. They pride themselves on unfriending and blocking people on Social Media who even casually disagree with them about something. Is that the answer?

Maybe it is protecting our phone numbers so that no one can have them except the ones we allow to have them. Is that OK?

What about seeing people on the side of the road who had a breakdown? Do you feel guilty if you don’t stop and pick them up? That is a type of boundary.

But can we see Jesus doing those kinds of things? The answer is not as simple as you might think.

That’s the crux of the matter in this episode. Are we allowed to have boundaries, and if so, what are the limits of those boundaries?

Protecting our boundaries.

Jesus Lived In Different Circumstances

This is a little more difficult to discuss because it requires more balance, and nothing about the life of Jesus seems “balanced” in the way WE generally use that word. He was balanced, of course. But life was very different for Him.

* The culture was very different* His mission was very different. He is the only man in history who was born and knew that His mission in life was to die for the sake of everyone else. That qualifies Him to be seen as having a UNIQUE mission. So our life mission is (by default) DIFFERENT than His.* He was the leader and had to establish something that required a tremendous amount of energy...