Sparkler Parents

Emotions are very similar to playing in the ocean.  Both Susan David and Joan Rosenberg speak to psychological flexibility in their books (Emotional agility and 90 Second to a Life You Love) and this concept is very important for us as parents as well as for our children.

This meditation is great for adults and kids alike. You will be be invited to move your body during this practice, so you want to make sure that you have enough space.

Lie down so that your feet are flat against the wall or the side of a couch.  If you need to, you can do this lying in your bed or sitting a chair with your feet against the floor.

Begin to notice your breath...

The strive to fit it to a group over leads us to act outside of our values.  The longing to feel recognized, appreciated, valued can drive to to thoughts, behaviors and habits that are really about trying to make other people feel comfortable at the expense of our own well being.  I grew up believing that being perfect was the only way to be. That if I did not do it correctly, or the right way, I would not be accepted.  I went out of my way as a child and even as an adult to do everything for everyone all of the time without much regard if it was something that I truly wanted or even believed it.

This is not sustainable and it is damaging to the self.  The more I felt appreciated then more I wanted that attention and the less I felt worthy of myself if I was not given that positive feedback.  In fact, criticism was the sharpest weapon that could be wielded against me and I intentionally avoided it because it hurt so much.

For me, perfectionism was just a mask for my low self-worth and fear of rejection.

That is not a message I want my children to learn.

I want to be acutely aware of my children's emotions and perceptions of relationships because I want them to intrinsically want to participate in activities because they want to and because they find it enjoyable, not to impress someone else.  And the contrary tis true too, even when my children don't want to do something that they really need to do, i.e. clean their room; eat vegetables,; be kind to their siblings; I want them to reflect back on their values and develop their own self worth, to choose courage over comfort and stand in their values for respect for self and others.

What values do you hold? And how are your modeling those to your children in small ways every day, because these are the moments when connection is made with our children.  These are the Sparkler Moments!

What is your sense of humor and how to you help foster a healthy sense of humor within your child? Looking for signs of engagement and signs within your child's body that the joke is perceived as funny is important.  Plus thinking about our child's developmental age and whether or not the child is even able to understand the difference between reality and a joke, or an even higher level of humor sense as sarcasm.  But just as tickling isn't always funny for the child, sometimes, sarcasm crossing the line.  And even though it was not intended to be mean or ill-spirited, the child perceives it as such.

So notice within you child the reaction to a joke and understand that their perception of reality is real.  And in order to better teach about humor, we as parents must keep safety for the child in mind first.  You would not keep tickling the child if the child started crying or screaming, but since laughter is also a release of buffer to stress and stressful situations, watching for other signs, like turning away, guarding with a hand, closing into a ball can help us know when we have gone too far or when the joke is not perceived well by the child.

Observing and respecting the child's perception will help grow the child's ability to learn about humor in a positive healthy way and not actually begin to use sarcasm as a defense mechanism themselves.

Physical touch means a lot to me as a physical therapist, but some kids (and even some adults) do not like physical touch.  In order to help create safety around positive, safe touch we need to be able to figure out what safe touch feels like for our child.  This episode goes over 3 different types of physical input that could be sequenced together as a formal massage to your child's arms, legs, feet, hands, back chest and belly.

If you would like to download the below PDF there are more instructions on how to provide a massage to your child.

But we can provide physical touch other ways too, such as a pat on the back, or a high 5 or hug.  Watch for signs of engagement or clues that your touch may be perceived as not safe.  When the touch is perceived as not safe, continue to seek out different types of touch or pressure that your child does tolerate and begin to expand it from there.

Our skin is our largest organ in our body and it houses many different kinds of receptors to help keep our body safe and protected.  Sometimes, the perception truly a safe touch is perceived by the child as something uncomfortable.  But by finding the "just right balance" you ca help grow your child's window of tolerance to allow and maybe even enjoy safe touch as a way to connect to others who are close to your child.  It also allows for a conversation about who and why people can touch and that you can allow your child permission to say to someone, that they do not want to be touched.

Physical touch can be very powerful!

Today, try to give each of your children at least 5 different physical touches and see how your child and how you feel.

Thank you for listening!

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BwssGrN_yfP9LU9RMlJEMmVuYmtPLU1GdnFlekVhUU50MU9V/view?usp=sharing