Sparkler Parents

This is the second part in a series of 2 episodes looking at ways to create more space to allow joy into your life.  Again another self-care and buffering activity to be able to be ok right now in this moment, but also realize that we have other options.  We as parents have a lot of stress. And these stressors may or may not be able to be changed, but we can (and must) build in buffers and resources for ourselves in order to maintain a balance.

This is another experiential episode.  Please return to episode 11 to learn how to make your JOY vs. Annoy List and then use this episode to figure out what to do with it.

Much love and peace to you all.  Thank you for being a part of this Sparkler Parent Community.

We learn through our experiences.  In this episode we will explore linking a known experience of breathing to focus in on how well we are able to stabilize our mind amidst distractions, like random thoughts, children yelling, the T.V., the dog barking and yes, even the "ding" from your phone. Noticing your current ability for focus and stability is an indication of how well coordinated you are in the moment and what types of things pull you out of this focus.

It did not take much to pull me away.  But with practice I began to notice improvements.  In fact, with consistent practice, you should start to notice changes at least every 10 days.  This is compliments of your very neuroplastic brain.

Let's practice today together. Listen to the sound of the bell and notice how many inhales you take until the next bell sounds.  How did that feel in your body.  Were you aware of other thoughts coming in??? You can't stop them from coming in, but you can maintain your steadiness, just as you did yesterday while standing on 1 foot.  If you did have difficulties focusing, what is one thing that you can do for the next practice (use the timer on your phone for 30-60 seconds) to maintain your focus on your breath?

Follow this link to try another breathing exercise:

https://youtu.be/Vw6kZlf_vVA

Often I feel we, collectively as humans, forget that we don't always have control.  And in reality, gaining control over a situation, emotion, another person isn't accomplished by demanding it.  Yes, this will work in the short term, but it takes too much energy and effort to sustain.  Gain control is a matter of coordination of the information coming into our bodies from external and well as internal stimuli.  How well are you listening to this information? Does that idea even feel strange or uncomfortable for you?  If so, you are not alone.  This Sparkler Parents episode will have more meaning for you if you have a space to stand up and try out a quick activity.  Yes, this segment is a bit over the 5 minute mark, but I promise, it is worth it in order to obtain a felt sense of when things are coordinated and when things aren't. Enjoy!

If you would like to watch how I learned how uncoordinated my body was when trying to learn how to do a headstand, watch this video.  I learned how to do the headstand by practicing, yes, but more importantly by feeling in my body what I needed to do to create stability.  I used external cues from the environment as well as an internal perception of the stretch and tightness within my muscles. And then over the course of a few months, my mind and body became more connected...more coordinated.

https://youtu.be/comsENOEzeM

Moving through the Love Languages, we come to a pretty obvious one of "quality time".  10 minutes, 1-2x per day per child is what I strive for with my own three children.  Some days I do better than others.

We have also implemented alternating dates with either parent once per month.  So this month my sons will each have a date with me and my daughter will have a date with dad and then next month we switch kids.

On the flip side of quality time is quality space for our kids to process emotions (usually negative ones) without us interfering with solutions to fix, corrections or criticism.

There needs to be a space that is held open for our children to just feel the emotion.

As parents, we should not want the feeling to hurry up (in the case of negative emotions) nor slow down (with positive ones).  Be in it for what it is right now.

Your job is to create this space for your child to feel your love and empathy.

Empathy is the human connection we can share relating to an EMOTION underlying any EXPERIENCE, even if it is an experience you have not had (or can remember).  This requires us as adults to be o.k. with the full spectrum of emotions, the good and the bad....the happy and the sad...the excited and the frustrated.  And to work to be present with our child with that feeling, even when we would rather just move on.

A word of caution about moving on when your child is still in the middle of it....the child can sense that their emotion is not wanted or should not be displayed.  Over time, this leads to an inability to acknowledge emotions and it leads to surprising feelings or reacting to them.  I know, because this is how I spent my youth.  I feel like I started to feel emotions outside of happy or crying, sometime in my thirties.  I am now 43 and I am working hard to stay present with all of my emotions as well as recognize those in my children.  Over the years, I have been guilty of pushing my child through an emotion to get back to happy, merely because I was uncomfortable.  I am working on this and I invite you to notice if this is hidden intention of yours, and to be present with your child both with quality time and space.

Brené Brown speaks a lot of empathy and compassion.  Tara Brach speaks about loving kindness.  These are big concepts that connect all of us as human beings. These tools will also help strengthen the love and connection between our children, but it is HARD to do.  What makes hard things easier?.....PRACTICE

As parents we may feel like we have to have the answers now.  We may fear what will happen if we don't do this right or if we let. our "child get away with that."

Practicing empathy within the boundaries of your own family's values will always be the right thing to do.

Step 1 - It starts with awareness.  Let the next 6 minutes help draw your attention to the times you do practice empathy and the times (because it happens to all of us) when you did not.

Thank you for listening! If you are enjoying this content, please SUBSCRIBE and leave a review. 

Set your intention for this week.  My intention is to focus on how important acts of service are to my kids, even when I think they can do whatever they are asking help with on their own.  There is actually a reason that my child and your child asks us for help, because at that moment they are needing more connection.  At that moment they are perceiving something is getting in their way of being successful.  So we can start with that.  In that movement when you and I are feeling angry, frustrated or annoyed by our children's request, we can place a hand on our heart and take a deep breath. Connect to our children in that moment and ask, how we can help.

Interested in reading more about the 5 Love Languages for Kids, check out Ross Campbell and Gary Chapman's book:\https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwj3mtmupezuAhWCHc0KHYPNB3QQFjAAegQIAhAC&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.5lovelanguages.com%2Fbook%2Fthe-5-love-languages-of-children%2F&usg=AOvVaw0FA-jWNcfPtRb8nBhSx1Ue