Spencetology

The online subculture “Looksmaxxing” seemingly has peaked with a rape charge against its poster boy, Clavicular.

What hasn’t quite died off yet is the use of the “-maxxing” suffix to describe anything extreme. I’m happy to help by renaming what used to be called climate change as “Climatemaxxing.”

You’re welcome.

My salute to $7 diesel with “Big, Dumb Truck.” See the video.

Hey, if you can’t see that Mother Nature is pissed and directing her anger at all of humankind, I don’t know what to tell you.

If you vote for Republicans all your wildest dreams will come true. LOL! See the video for “After the Midterms.”

Mother Nature is losing her glaciers and her inhibitions. She’s not looking for attention; she’s issuing a heat advisory. It’s her hot girl era, and she’s going to make you sweat.

Enjoy “Climatemaxxing.”

• Climatemaxxing

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In the movie The Hangover, Alan (Zach Galifianakis) and Phil (Bradley Cooper) discuss the legality of counting cards while gambling in Vegas.

Alan Garner: “It’s not illegal. It’s frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.”
Phil Wenneck: “I’m pretty sure that’s illegal too.”
Alan Garner: “Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.”

All your wildest dreams will come true “After the Midterms.”

It was a joke.

For a 25-year-old United Airlines passenger this wasn’t funny. It actually happened.

What can you do with duct tape that hasn’t been done before? How about secure a racist, unruly airline passenger? Yup. Here’s a song about it.

On a regional flight from Rochester, New York to Newark, New Jersey, a female passenger said she felt “trapped” when her seatmate began to jerk off.

C’mon man! Use the plane lavatory. Grab one of those blue blankets. Like Phil said in the movie, “That’s illegal.” More than that, it’s disgusting. He left the plane without consequence, while she was offered a $100 credit on her $400 flight.

Reporting suggests the airline didn’t do much to protect the woman. The flight was sold out. She stood for most of the flight but was told to return to her seat for landing. By mid-flight, he had already reached his destination.

Hey, there are all kinds of tiers of customers when you fly. Maybe this one will come after military, or passengers with small children. Learn more about “Flying Solo on United Airlines.”

• Flying Solo on United

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Dancing with the Stars has the costumes, the choreography, and a dance floor full of people you might have heard of before, but not necessarily.

$5k for your vote? The check’s in the mail…After the Midterms. Hear the song.

Dancing with the Regular People a bit different. Same dance floor. A completely different reality. Dancers who are famous for their wedding reception moves, office holiday party twerking, and public displays of humiliation.

And instead of a fancy mirror ball trophy, Regular People competitors are competing for a $25 Chili’s gift card!

Everything from Oreos to sparkling waters have added protein. Why not tampons? Introducing Tampax Plus Protein.

You’ll see a little bit of you in ever competitor on Dancing with the Regular People.

• Dancing with the Regular People

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Why not? Right? Everything on today’s grocery shelves now comes with a “protein’ version. Oreos, Pop Tarts, even sparkling water packs extra protein.

$5,000 if you vote a certain way? Sure, the check’s in the mail…after the midterms. Hear the song.

ABC News chief medical correspondent and cardiologist Dr. Tara Narula credits the protein trend to the GLP-1 medications, revised federal standards and social media hoopla.

My girl, Angie Morales at BIG 98.7/Fargo figured why only add protein to foodstuffs, and invented the amazing product Tampax Plus Protein. That’s called innovation, baby. She wrote and voiced this gem.

Duct tape is one of the greatest invention of the 20th century. Finally, it has its own anthem.

As the package states, “Put some muscle in your menstrual” with Tampax Plus Protein.

• Tampax Plus Protein

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There are many amazing uses for duct tape. Treehugger.com posted a list of 18 clever uses for the cloth based tape designed in the 1940’s by Johnson & Johnson.

Is the new Days of Thunder sequel titled, “Days of Bladder?” Hear the trailer.

Included on the list: Fix a leaky boat, craft some emergency flip flops, affix younger brother to a tree. All worthy applications.

Now, thanks to Arthur Layne Lundeen of Tucson, Arizona, you can add subduing unruly passenger to airline seat.

This happened on American Airlines flight 618, when Mr. Lundeen yelled out racial slurs and attacked another passenger.

You need some green to keep Congress red. You’ll get that $5k after the midterms. (Sure, you will.) Hear the song.

The 67-year-old, now unemployed realtor is facing charges of second-degree assault and disorderly conduct, both misdemeanors, in the District Court for Anne Arundel County in Maryland. Lundeen was released following an initial appearance on September 4 and is due back in court on October 19, according to Newsweek.

In honor of the only adhesive tape that keeps our friendly skies safe, I present The Duct Tape Anthem.

• The Duct Tape Anthem

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Recently, I have read numerous reports detailing how Gen Z is turning its back on alcohol.

Losers!

Panicked about your fantasy football picks? There’s a crisis hotline for you.

I’m kidding, of course. It does bring up the question, though: “What exactly are you doing during an extended weekend?”

Wild horses sent to slaughter. The president suddenly finds cheap foreign meat. Nah, you’re not thinking what I’m thinking?

As a proud representative of Gen X, I can say, without question, what you do on a three-day weekend is get smashed, wrecked, trashed, lit, and loaded with your three best friends – Tito, Jack, and Jose.

At some point, Monday afternoon, you fill your gut with salt, fat, carbs, and red meat so you’re back to neutral by Tuesday morning. Don’t question it. It’s a tried-and-true method.

To kick off your Labor Day Weekend, here’s a gentle, musical reminder of what can be accomplished on a “Three-Day Weekend.”

• Three-Day Weekend (Explicit)

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Real quick. Did we not just do an old-guy car-racing movie? Yeah, yeah, I know that was Brad Pitt and F1, and this is Tom Cruise and NASCAR. But, I’ll ask again. Did we not just do an old-guy car-racing movie?

Coming Summer of 2028: Days of Thunder 2 starring Cruise and Anne Hathaway.

Didn’t get her number, but you got her license plate? Find romance again, and again, with PlateMate.

It was 1990 when Days of Thunder introduced us to Cole Trickle. If you’re keeping score, that was 36 years ago, and Cruise was still in his twenties.

Sure, we could do jokes about Cole having a senior moment on turn two. Maybe make a reference to him punching out an Applebee’s server because he didn’t get his AARP discount.

Did your steak used to say “moo” or “nay”? This parody of the Stones’ “Wild Horses” asks the question.

No, we’ll go with what many 64-year-old men deal with – frequent urination. Maybe that’s why the Flomax 46 Chevrolet is making so many pit stops.

He can still go 200 miles per hour. He just can’t go 200 miles. Here’s what the Thunder sequel should be about. Days of Bladder.

• Days of Bladder

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I’ve said this more than a few times. You want me in your fantasy football league. Why? Right around week three, I cease to give one, let alone two, fucks.

Did your steak used to say, “Moo,” or “Nay?” Here’s a parody of the Stones’ “Wild Horses.”

That being said, I still want to win. It’s why, like most fantasy football players, I stress out over the draft. I do research. In fact, this year, I ran all of my possible picks through ChatGPT. We’ll see how that goes.

Now, for those that really do freak out everytime their name is called to pick a player for their team, there’s a service available to make it a bit less painful.

Fall isn’t for another month or so, but Corporate Autumn has already began. Learn more.

You’re on your fourth pick. Your running game looks weak. Every player you projected to be available at this point in your fantasy draft is gone. You’re about to panic. Before you make one terrible mistake that will ruin your fantasy season, you should call the Fantasy Football Crisis Hotline.

• Fantasy Football Crisis Hotlin

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The seasons used to be pretty simple. Winter goes from the end of Thanksgiving until April. Spring takes over until around June. Summer until Labor Day and then Autumn, circling back to Winter.

Is that hamburger moo or nay? Hear a parody of “Wild Horses.”

We, as humans, always muck it up. Christmas comes in July. Halloween trumps Thanksgiving. Summer used to end when the kids went back to school, but now they return to class mid-summer.

It’s not that we don’t know when individual seasons begin and end, or that it’s dependent on Earth’s tilted axis.

Actually, I didn’t know that last part. (Thanks, Neil deGrasse Tyson)

If you play pickleball, you may be suffering from PTSD – Pickleball Traumatic Stress Disorder. Learn more.

See, the seasons are not controlled by astronomy any longer. They are controlled by marketing. How does one sell more fall-themed drinks? Add an extra 90 days to that window of opportunity. Start selling them in August.

That’s why many Americans are celebrating today. Today is the day Starbucks releases the Pumpkin Spice Lattes and ushers in Corporate Autumn. Here’s a guy to tell you more.

• Corporate Autumn

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Coincidence? Maybe. But can we put anything past the Trump Administration?

The Bureau of Land Management (BLM) are agressively thinning wild horse herds across the west. Many are concerned those horses are being sold for slaughter.

The Death Count Rises at Lake Mead. Sounds like a song to me.

Meantime, the president announced a plan to inject 300,000 metric tons of foreign beef into American markets to ease soaring beef prices.

Trump would not say what countries he had reached a deal with.

Didn’t get her number, but you got her plate? Try PlateMate from Flock.

By any definition, that would be called “mystery meat.”

So, the next time you go to the grocery and grab some ground round, will that package of meat be Moo or Nay?

With apologies to The Rolling Stones, here is a parody of their 1971 classic, “Wild Horses.” If you think, I butchered it, you would be correct.

• Wild Horses

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