Spencetology

When one has secrets kept hidden from the world, they’re called “skeletons in the closet.” When a receding lake reveals its secrets, they, too, are likely skeletons.

Lake Mead, the nation’s largest reservoir, fell to 1,040.4 feet, its lowest level recorded. With its depletion, another mystery has surfaced.

Are you suffering from PTSD – Pickleball Traumatic Stress Disorder?

Would be swimmers discovered the human remains, including a jawbone with fillings, on Boulder Beach some 30 miles southeast of the Las Vegas Strip.

The case remains under investigation by the National Park Serivce and the Clark County Coroner’s office.

This is not the first time the shrinking lake has revealed skeletal remains. In 2022, when the lake fell to its previous low, a man was found dead in a barrel. County officials said the cause of death was a gunshot. The murder suspected to have happened during the 1980’s.

Did the recently found person’s remains “swim with the fishes?” County officials have so far called the find “non-criminal.”

Learn the true story of George Washington’s Cherry Tree in “Today in Incorrect American History.

As heard on The Shawn Show on 98.5 KLUC in Las Vegas, I present the worst Jamaican accent since Paul Rudd uttered the phrase “Smackin’ da bass” in the film I Love You, Man. A parody of The Little Mermaid‘s “Under the Sea titled Under Lake Mead.

• Under Lake Mead

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No, you’re not being followed. It’s all in your head. Ignore those black poles topped with a solar panel and a camera. You know, the ones that are on nearly every corner from your house to work.

Human remains in Lake Mead – Yes, there’s a song about it.

America is losing its battle against surveillance, as Flock Safety technology, under the guise of safety and crime prevention, is being abused by law enforcement.

The media has uncovered law enforcement abuses in several departments nationwide. Police officers have been caught using Flock’s automatic license plate readers (ALSRs) to track former lovers and stalk citizens.

NO?!?!? Cops abusing the public’s trust? That NEVER happens.

See a public service announcement detailing PTSD – Pickleball Traumatic Stress Disorder

Maybe, just maybe, we’re overlooking the positives of using Flock cameras this way. Let’s say you’re at a bar and see someone attractive, but they leave before you can meet them. What if you could get their license plate number? You could get on your laptop, enter it, and track them. Manufacture a little serendipity.

Now you can with PlateMate. Using ALSR technology, find your true love…and keep finding her over and over again.
Remember, it’s not stalking. It’s FLOCKING.

• PlateMate

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We lived in fear of Diarrhea Lettuce. Was it Taco Bell? Was it Taylor Farms? All you’re trying to do is get a little roughage, and a week and a half later, you’re doing a Jackson Pollock in the employee bathroom.

Cyclospora for weight loss? Can you say, “Genius?”

But hey, you survived only to find out that the Salmonella may be sitting in an egg carton inside your refrigerator.

Midwest Poultry Services in Texas has recalled 1.6 million eggs that are suspected of being responsible for 98 people of causing sickness in 98, people and 26 hospitalizations across 17 states.

Check out the latest Song of the Week. NSFW – “Tongue My xxx Hole.”

Soon after, a recall of 12,000 pounds of bacon was announced. America was left wondering who was attacking our breakfast? What’s next, waffles? Hash browns? Our beloved Avocado Toast?!?!

Fortunately, like all other threats to Americans’ health (see COVID), the federal government has got it covered. Nothing to see here. Everything will be fine. C’mon, this is what we do.

If you’re worried about being affected by a breakfast natural disaster, don’t worry, Breakfast FEMA are scrambling to ensure the safety of America’s most important meal of the day.

• Breakfast FEMA

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I think we’re being a little overly negative about the Cyclosporiasis outbreak that has affected more than 7,000 people in 30 states.

Wanna hear a song about Cyclospora? Sure you do.

I mean, seriously, how hasn’t Eli Lilly or Pfizer taken the lead on what could be something that could be marked as “explosive weight loss.”

In as little as two weeks, you could lose a ton of weight thanks to Cyclospora. I’m sure the braintrust on Madison Avenue will make they avoid the phrase “parasitic infection.”

That ain’t sexy.

At the time of this post, the Food and Drug Administration has retracted their finding that the parasie originated in lettuce from Taylor Farms, the California-based agriculture company known for their grocery store packaged salads. They also provide iceberg lettuce to many fast food establishments including Taco Bell.

Not completely done with your World Cup fever? Check out a few comedy bits, including Soccer GPT, here.

Funny, when a company makes a large donation to Donald Trump, federal agencies seem to go out of their way to exhonerate them. The FDA, after claiming Taylor Farms was responsible for the outbreak, rescinded their charge asserting that the result was a “false positive.

Let’s get ahead of Big Pharma and pitch Cyclospora as the latest weight loss fad. “Cyclospora – Less of you in just a Poo!” Hear it:

• Cyclospora for Weight Loss

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For the first time ever, 48 teams have qualified for this year’s World Cup, the quadrennial celebration of soccer’s best.

Explosive diarrhea? We got a song about it. See the video for “Cyclospora.”

It has been 32 years since the cup has been in the United States. This time around, America shares hosting duties with its North American neighbors Canada and Mexico.

And while the “Beautiful Game” is artistic, athletic and spectacular, there is still plenty of things we can poke fun at. Enjoy some World Cup whimsy.

If you think it would be cool to put a climbing wall on the Washington Monument, you’ll love a “White House White Trash Summer.” Check it out.

Breakups are hard, but with our relationship referees, we can send off your ex with one blow of a whistle.

• Red Card Relationship Svcs

Finally, an app for know-nothing Americans who only pay attention to soccer every four years.

• SoccerGPT

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s the most popular sport on the planet. Big whoop! A quick Starship parody to get you going.

• The World Cup’s Comin’

The World Cup – 39 days of 0-0 draws in a sport you stopped caring about when you turned 12. If it ain’t AYSO, it ain’t shit.

• The World Cup – Who Cares?

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Here are all the questions, you’ve asked about the World Cup and soccer in general.

• American Soccer Questions

Just like in 2014, Belgium kicked our ass all over the pitch. Here’s the truth sung to the Star Spangled Banner

• The National Anthem of American Soccer Fans

Believe it or not, FIFA has always had an issue with corruption. No?!?!? Remember, Sepp Blatter? FIFACleanse. Use as directed.

• Fifacleanse

At the 2014 World Cup in Brazil, Argentina fell to Germany 1-0 prompting a few short parodies of the Evita classic,“Don’t Cry for me Argentina

• Don’t Cry Argentina 1

• Don’t Cry Argentina 2

• Don’t Cry Argentina 3

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Unlike his failed attempt to plaster his name on the Kennedy Center in Washington D.C., President Trump has successfully branded a Florida airport.

Learn more about a White House White Trash Summer

Officially, today Palm Beach International Airport becomes Donald J. Trump International Airport.

One might ask themselves, besides the name change, what other services and features may accompany such a transfomation?

Hear a 4th of July classic – “Firework Firejerk”

In March of 2026, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signed rebranding legislation that not only changed the name of the airport but also its FAA indentifier from PBI to DJT.

Take a listen to the airport’s official announement including some exciting changes coming soon.

• Trump International Airport

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Who doesn’t love a neighborhood fireworks show? On the 4th of July…preferably before 10pm. To be clear, on the 4th, not the 1st or the 8th…the 4th.

Are you a Firework Firejerk?

Sadly, in every sub-division of every town across this gredat land of ours, there’s that one guy. The guy who just can’t stop celebrating America’s independence.

It is the official song of Lincoln’s Reflection Pool’s battle with Desmodesmus. Hear “Algae.”

Maybe it’s you. Maybe it’s a loved one. Maybe they need help. For those that suffer from Post-Holiday Pyromania, there’s Fireworks Anonymous. Learn more:

• Fireworks Anonymous

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Listen, I don’t want to spend one minute at a barbecue, arguing with my date as to whether a hot dog is a sandwich.

See the Independence Day classic, “Firework Firejerk.”

This 4th of July weekend, you can find the perfect “cookout companion” on Tendr. It’s the new dating app where you can “Match your meat and meet your match.”

What happened to the Lincoln Reflecting Pool? Wrote a song about it. Hear “Algae.”

Look, social settings can be awkward. Don’t go to a friend’s house with a date that will try to claim that turkey burgers “taste just as good.” Make sure your barbecue chakras align and start a new “grillationship” on Tendr.

• Tendr

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What was supposed to be “American Flag Blue” is instead “Swampy D.C. Green” as the Lincoln Memorial’s Reflecting Pool was invaded by Desmodesmus & its cousin Scenedesmus, aka algae.

It’s a White House White Trash Summer, Hear What’s Coming Up Next

A 14 million dollar conservation/beautification project of a 338,000 square foot long pool, advised by the guy who oversees a 25-meter pool at Trump’s golf club in New Jersey.

What could go wrong?

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To be clear, the algae bloom at the reflecting pool wasn’t caused by vandals. It wasn’t elicited by covert Antifa operatives dumping fertilizer into the pool under the cover of darkness. It was SCIENCE: shallow, stagnant water, strong sunlight, and no shade. Or so says, Rosalina Stancheva Christova, a professor of aquatic ecology at George Mason University in Virginia.

At some point, the pool will once again reflect the majesty of our Nation’s Capitol, the Lincoln Memorial, and the Washington Monument. Until then, we’ve got jokes.

With apologies to Mick, Keith and the boys, here’s a parody of the 1973 Rolling Stones ballad, “Angie.” It’s Algae.

• Algae

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Not since the days of gladiators battling for their lives in the Roman Colosseum has there been a combination of brutality, politics, and sport – sponsored by Monster Energy.

If the Rolling Stones Wrote a Song About “Algae,” it Might Sound Like This

No grand arches or pillars, just a makeshift arena of plastic, metal, and vinyl plopped down on the front lawn of the White House.

Sure, they coulda gone with something more white-trash, like, I don’t know, a tractor pull, but instead, cage fighting would be the featured attraction.

Remember – AI Data Centers are People Too. Learn More.

Who knew the White House, where Lincoln slept, Jefferson opined, and Roosevelt hosted his fireside chats, would become D.C.’s premiere entertainment venue?

Now, the South Lawn of the White House is primed for proper celebrations of America’s 250th birthday and its redneck citizens. Introducing a White House White Trash Summer – a series of events that are one Tilt-a-Whirl shy of a crappy county fair.

• White House White Trash Summer

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