Spencetology

We were all shocked to hear that, seemingly at random, the FAA announced it was closing El Paso International Airport. No explanation was given.

Are You a Totally, Wonderfully, Accomplished Talent? Then, Here’s a Song for You.

The sudden shutdown created “chaos” for travelers, caused flight cancellations and diversions, and halted medical evaluation flights.

Such a long-duration shutdown (intended for 10 days) of a major US city’s airport was unprecedented. Comparisons were made to shutdowns following 9/11.

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A short time later, the FAA lifted the restriction, saying the closure was out of an abundance of caution.

We later found out that it was a lack of communication between the FAA and its “MTV Real World” alum, Sean Duffy, and former Fox News host and Secretary of Defense, Pete Hegseth. If they just would have used Signal all of this could have been avoided.

Then the real info started pouring in. The kind of outlandish story a kid might tell to avoid being grounded. Mexican cartel attack drones were infringing on American airspace. (Not sure what those drones were planning to attack.)

Who’s on Epstein’s List? The Rich.

We heard the military utilized its “high-energy laser technology” out of Fort Bliss, Texas to destroy the drones. Or, as it turned out, some rogue party balloons. Yes, our amazing government, led by totally competent men (sarcasm intended), unleashed some Luke Skywalker X-Wing Fighter tech on some wayward Quinceañera balloons.

Here is the official accounting from the Department of Defense:

• The War Against Balloons

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Sure, just like the two gentlemen pictured to the left, you think you’re a deviant. So, why is it you’re name isn’t plastered all over the Epstien Files?

Simple economics, my man. Simple economics.

Listen to some more parody songs.

Ya see, you’re poor. Because of your economic status, you aren’t in the club. The sick, demented, perverted pedo pals of South Florida as uncovered by the release of even more Epstein Files by the Department of Justice.

You understand? Only the rich are on the list.

In Epstein’s world of private jets, you fly Spirit. In a world of private islands, you and your family once visited Waikiki. Yes, your sister was underaged, but it was okay because so were you.

With another three million documents released, the names of more rich perverts are revealed. We’ve seen author & speaker Deepak Choprah mentioned. There’s Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick. More salacioius tales about Microsoft founder Bill Gates; resulting in comments by his ex-wife Melinda French Gates. The Tangerine Epstein, Donald Trump, has been referred to no less than 38,000 times and, of course, the richest man in the world is listed, Elon Musk.

It’s clear, only the rich are on the list. Let’s tell the story using Hall & Oates classic, “Kiss Is On My List.” (lyrics below)

• The Rich are on the List

LYRICS

I barely make a dime, but I don’t criticize minimum wage
Can’t afford a girlfriend, but if i could she would be of age
Don’t have fancy clintele, who email invites…for flights
To party with presidents or hang with creepy tech guys

If you subsist working for tips
If you’re a hairstylist
Workin’ part-time at Abecrombie & Fitch
In the files, they won’t find your name, you know why?

‘Cause you’re not rich, the rich are on the list
That former prince, that Brit is on the list
Giants’ boss Tisch is on the list, one more old, rich, white guy

Redacting this, the rich cease and desist
All of their trysts, their trips to see young chicks
Yeah, the A-list is having fits, sure, it was suicide

Yes, ol’ yam tits, yam tits is on the list
His tiny mits, they gripped some young teen miss
That piece of shit is a convict, should be in prison for life

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When it comes to Hollywood chaos, few names deliver quite like Alec Baldwin. Recently, Baldwin reportedly drove his Range Rover into a tree in the Hamptons — because even his errands apparently come with a dramatic plot twist.

Just like 1492, it’s Columbus Real Estate

Witnesses say the SUV veered off course and made direct contact with a tree, confirming that not even luxury vehicles are safe from actors with intense energy and questionable steering instincts.

To make the scene even more cinematic, his brother Stephen Baldwin was reportedly in the passenger seat. That’s like adding straight-to-streaming sequel vibes to an already A-list collision.

No one was injured, unless you count Baldwin’s ego and the Range Rover’s front bumper, both of which suffered what auto experts call “emotional damage.”

Imagine being a peaceful tree in the Hamptons, only to be cast without warning in a Baldwin action sequence.

It’s the first dating app exclusively for furloughed federal workers. It’s Furloughmance.

Neighbors described the moment as “confusing,” “dramatic,” and “honestly pretty on-brand.”

And that sparked an idea.

Why should this moment live on as just another celebrity mishap when it could be turned into a valuable educational opportunity?

Introducing the Alec Baldwin Driving Academy — the only school where a “crash course” is part of the official syllabus. And if that sounds too high-end, don’t worry. There’s also the Stephen Baldwin Driving School — half the talent, half the price, and presumably double the liability waiver.

• Alec Baldwin Driving Academy

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For centuries, Christopher Columbus has been celebrated in textbooks as the intrepid explorer who “discovered” America—despite the rather glaring detail that millions of people were already living here.

Introducing a White Guy’s Guide to Super Bowl Spanish

Columbus didn’t ask for a tour, fill out paperwork, or even knock. He just stepped into someone else’s coastline, declared, “This is mine now.” In modern terms, that isn’t sploration. That’s breaking and entering.

If Columbus pulled the same stunt today, he wouldn’t be on postage stamps—he’d be on an episode of Cops: Maritime Edition, being gently escorted off a stranger’s lawn while shouting something about Spain and destiny. But while most of us agree that claiming occupied land by yelling loudly wouldn’t hold up in court now, there seems to be one bold new real estate agency ready to revive that pioneer spirit—minus all the pesky legalities.

Not happy about Taylor & Travis engagement? Join and fight to “Stop Tay Marriage.”

Enter Columbus Real Estate, the only agency that looks at a fully inhabited suburban duplex and sees “unexplored territory.” Why bother with appraisals, loan approvals, or respecting human boundaries when you can simply reenact 1492 with better Wi-Fi? This isn’t your typical brokerage. There are no closing costs—just a closing ceremony, where you plant a flag in the HOA landscaping and declare the cul-de-sac for your chosen nation.

While traditional firms might mention things like “current owners,” Columbus Real Estate uses more inspiring language—like “undiscovered opportunity.” It’s not trespassing, it’s manifest destiny with better branding. After all, if Columbus could do it in 1492 and get a federal holiday out of it, why shouldn’t you get a granite countertop and open-concept kitchen the same way?

And with that…

• Columbus Real Estate

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Taylor Swift might be the most recognizable person on the planet. She has 282 million followers on Instagram alone. (I’m a distant second with 8 followers.)

She’s a safe-made billionaire. Her Eras Tour was the first tour to surpass the $2 billion mark in ticket sales. She’s pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty successful.

When one reaches a stratospheric level of fame and fortune, you gotta have jokes, right?

Here is a short collection of Taylor Swift bits from over the years.

Stop Tay Marriage – Since the pop star became engaged to Kansas City Chiefs superstar Travis Kelce some have found ways to make the upcoming nuptials a negative.

• Say No To Tay Marriage

Taylorgate – Before you found out Taylor was dating a pro football star, you wouldn’t dedicate one ounce of your life to watching the Super Bowl. But since her boyfriend is playing you might as well make the best of it and throw a really cool party.

A post shared by Drunkle Spence (@spencetology)

Cash-Grab-A-Rama – If anything is true about Taylor Swift, it’s that she is a tremendous marketer. How many Swifties have seven versions of the same song from seven different re-releases of albums or special collections? Here’s Barry Manilow take.

• Cash-Grab-A-Rama

Tailor Swift – You need your dress hemmed quickly? How about a fastener re-fastened fast? If so you need a tailor who can get it done in a jiffy. You need Tailor Swift.

• Tailor Swift

He Only Got a Backrub – Remember, back in the day when Taylor dated superstar Scottish DJ Calvin Harris? There were reports that the Scot got a “happy ending” at a massage parlor. Using her hit, “Bad Blood,” here’s “Backrub.”

• Backrub

Other Things Taylor Swift Doesn’t Find Funny – Taylor voiced her anger about a joke on Netflix’s comedy “Georgia and Ginny.” The joke from Georgia (Brianne Howdy) was a comment to her daughter, Ginny (Antonia Gentry) about her relationship status: “What do you care? You go through men faster than Taylor Swift.” No LOLs from Taylor. Here are some other things TSwift did not laugh at.

Version #1

Version #2

Version #3

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When Puerto Rican-born Bad Bunny (Benito Antonio Martínez Ocasio) was announced as the featured halftime entertainment at Super Bowl LX this February, not everyone was pleased.

Finally, a dating app exclusively for furloughed federal workers. Learn more about Furloughmance.

Right-wing pundits from former racecar driver Danica Patrick to Speaker of the House, Mike Johnson voiced their angst at having a performer sing and rap in Spanish.

In one interview, Fox News contributor Tomi Lahren, claimed the selection was un-American. She seemed unaware that, as a territory of the United States., people born in Puerto Rico are, in fact, U.S. citizens.

By birth alone, Bad Bunny is more “American” than our First Lady, Melania Trump.

After the Ryder Cup, the PGA, and the UFC have joined forces to create the Professional Golfer’s Fighting Championship.

“The King of Latin Trap” was unmoved by, what some would call, racist criticism and provided a simple solution during his opening monologue on Saturday Night Live’s broadcast on October 4, 2025.

Bad Bunny made a statment in Spanish then chided his critics. “If you didn’t understand what I just said. You have four months to learn.”

So, let’s get started. Attention gringos! Introducing The White Guy’s Guide to Super Bowl Spanish.

• White Guy’s Guide to Super Bowl Spanish r (1)

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Let me be clear. I am not a hater of Taylor Swift. If anything, I am immensely jealous of what this incredible woman has achieved.

Learn Spanish before the Super Bowl Halftime Show. Learn how!

She’s a self-made billionaire, for the love of gawd. She is a prodigious songwriter, talented singer, and tireless performer. And despite her choice(s) in men, Travis Kelce included, she is incredibly smart, kind and generous.

I will say this, there’s a reason why she’s got that three comma money.

The girl markets herself. From re-recording and re-releasing her entire library, to boxsets, and limited editions available at Target, some Swifties buy the same song a dozen times. Do they know it? Do they care?

If you watched last year’s Super Bowl and didn’t Taylorgate, you’re not a real fan.

When Taylor announced her new album. (She wrote and recorded while finishing up the biggest tour in the history of tours and flying around the country to watch her boyfriend play football.) She went to the well again with Easter eggs, and QR codes, and a movie based on the making of that album, “The Life of a Showgirl.”

I’m not saying she doesn’t earn every penny, but it definitely is marketing plan best described as Cash-Grab-a-Rama!

Using the Barry Manilow classic, “Copacabana,” here’s a parody song in honor of Taylor Swift’s business saavy. PS: “The Life of a Showgirl” movie premiers in theaters October 3rd.

• Cash-Grab-A-Rama

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The Ryder Cup; a biennial, match-play golf competition pitting a team of 12 top European golfers against a team of 12 top United States golfers took place this year in Long Island. And Long Island didn’t disappoint.

Golf, known for its quiet, respectful galleries, and polite golf claps went from the country club to the trailer park at the three-day event held at Bethpage Black in Farmington, New York.

With a first-tee host inciting the raucous American crowd to chant, “F— you, Rory,” at the current Masters champion, Irish golf pro, Rory McIlroy, the tournament went straight Happy Gilmore.

And it didn’t stop. Later, a attendee threw a beer can and struck McIlroy’s wife, Erica Stoll.

“[Family] should be off limits, but obviously it wasn’t this week,” McIlroy, 36, told reporters on Sunday, Sept 29. “Erica is fine. She is a very strong woman and she handled everything this week with class and poise and dignity like she always has.”

Not to let an opportunity pass, the Professional Golfer’s Association (PGA), and the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) have entered into a joint venture, inspired by the Ryder Cup’s boorish crowds.
Expect the serenity of Pebble Beach mixed with the violence of mixed martial arts. Introducing the Professional Golfer’s Fighting Championship.

• The Professional Golfer’s Figh

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An Australian school let parents know that if they wanted to claim their kids’ kindergarten artwork, they’d have to pay $1,400 (American). 

Now, there’s a dating app exclusively for furloughed federal workers. Learn about Furloughmance

Long story short, funding dropped out at the school and parents pulled their kids, which made things worse.  When parents asked for the cherished artwork, they were asked to pay up.

I don’t want to be an art snob, but let’s be honest, your kid ain’t no Rembrandt. Monet, even as a child, didn’t do some hand turkey bullshit. Sure, maybe it has a short life attached to the fridge by a Domino’s Pizza magnet. The sentimental value decreases rapidly, until, at some point, your beautiful baby’s finger painting ends up in one of two places; a box in the attic, or the landfill.

Bad Bunny has given you four months to learn Spanish. Try “The White Guy’s Guide to Super Bowl Spanish.

We know what parents think of their precious child’s handy work, but what do the kids think? Do they like art class? Do they enjoy the opportunity to be creative with some construction paper, Elmer’s Glue and a handful of pipe cleaners?

Let’s find out with An Ordinary Kid on Art Class.

• A Kid on Art Class

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“It’s the end of the world as we know it,” sang Athens, Georgia’s R.E.M. A South African pastor finally agrees with Michael Stipe and the boys.

After a rowdy Ryder Cup, the PGA & the UFC have created the Professional Golfer’s Fighting Championship

According to a viral video, preacher Joshua Mhlakela claimed “divine prophecy,” declaring that Jesus would return on September 23rd or 24th.

If you’re hearing the message from God, on the music player below, you didn’t make the cut.

A little backstory. According to Google AI: The modern concept of the Rapture was popularized in the 1830s by John Nelson Darby, a 19th-century preacher, though the term comes from the Greek word for “to snatch away.”

There’s “Chicago Fire” and “Chicago Med,” and “Chicago Justice.” Why not “Chicago Pope?”

I guess there are a few Bible verses that hint at something that could be interpreted as “the rapture,” but like most things in the good book, it depends on who you ask.

• God on the Rapture

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