Spencetology

“Your English teacher and your gym teacher are getting married,” was the caption announcing the engagement of pop superstar Taylor Swift and NFL Pro Bowler Travis Kelce on Instagram.

Hear more Taylor Swift Comedy.

14 million likes and one million shares in the next six hours set Instagram records as Swifties across the globe, and probably a few Kansas City Chiefs fans as well, celebrated the mega-celebrities’ upcoming nuptials.

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In a world where anyone, anywhere on any social media platform can turn anything sour, comes a campaign paid for by the Committee to Keep Taylor Single and Make Breakups Great Again. They’re encouraging you to call your representatives in Congress to Stop Tay Marriage.

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift)

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Ya know, when I think of Popes, I always think it’s a little Italian guy, right? Vatican City is in Rome, basically. If not Italian, I think more European in general.

Don’t miss the grand opening of Lids Vatican City

I didn’t even know an American Pope was a possibility, let alone a Pope who probably shopped at Menards, loved hoagies and cheered on the Sox in the 2005 World Series.

Yet, here we are, with Robert Prevost, born in what’s now known as the Insight Hospital and Medical Center on the South Side in Bronzeville.

How long before CBS taps into it’s incredibly deep, creative talent pool to come up with another Chicago-based, hour-long, weekday drama?

It’s the first Vatican-sanctioned betting app – DraftKing of Kings

There’s Chicago Fire, and, Chicago PD, and Chicago Med, and Chicago Justice, and of course, Chicago Transity Authority, and Chicago Parking Enforcement. I mean, if you haven’t seen ordinary meter maids solving murders, you haven’t lived.

It begs the question, “Why not Chicago Pope?” As heard on Moug & Karla Mornings on B96/Chicago.

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It seems when you go to the mall these days, there are less and less stores. Online retail has, in many ways, destroyed the mall experience.

Check out DraftKing of Kings, the first Vatican approved betting app.

I will guarantee you this. You will always find one of these three stores: Zales Jewelers, a random pretzel place, and at least one Lids.

People love their hats. They love their sports merch. And now, finally, the Roman Catholics have one of their own: Lids Vatican City.

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Vatican City is celebrating the grand opening of their first Lids location. Yeah, I’m sure there will be an oppressively vast selection of Yankees hats in every color, but also the world’s largest collection of Ecclesiastical hats. Pope beanies, traditional Pope hats, the three-point jobs with the pom-pom on top.

I would assume with the new Pope, Leo XIV, being from Chicago you’ll be able to find a few Bulls caps as well.

Check out the grand opening of the new Lids Vatican City.

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What a beautiful couple. Since her prom date cancelled, paw paw said he’d go to dance with…I’m sorry. I’m being told that’s actually eight-time Super Bowl champ Bill Belichick and his 24 year-old girlfriend Jordon Hudson.

Make Dating Great Again on Trumphumpers

There are dating apps for every niche relationship niche. You have LGBTQ+ inspired Grindr and HER. Want a God-fearing partner? ChristianMingle or vegans can go with Veggly.

So, why not a dating app for really young women who desire really old men? I’m not talking about Sugarbabies for the golddigger types. Why isn’t there a site for 18-25 year-old women who desire a real relationship with a man 30, or 40 or 50 years her senior. Somewhere to capture the true spring-winter love captured by Jordon and coach.

A New Male Contraceptive – Cybertruck

Now, there is. Introducing Eldr: Where the Young at Heart & Heart Disease Meet.

• Introducing Eldr

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When black smoke billows from the Sistine Chapel’s chimney signifies the death of the Pope, the leader of the Roman Catholic Church.

Pope Francis, the first Bishop of Rome from Latin America passed away on April 21st. Now, begins the arduous selection process called the papal conclave.

Oh, Canada! Confused? Maybe You Need an Emotional Support Canadian.

If you’re like me, you thought, shouldn’t there be a betting app to place wagers on who will be selected as the next Pope?

Great minds, my friend. Great minds.

Introducing DraftKing of Kings, the Vatican’s official betting app. Place your bets on the Italian Cardinal, Pietro Parolin. Could it be the Archbishop of Budapest, Peter Erdo, Munich’s archbishop, Reinhard Marx, or will Chicago-born Robert Prevost be the first American Pope?

Eldr, finally a dating app for really young women who love really old men.

How about a black Pope? Place or bets on Cardinal Robert Sarah from Guinea, Congo’s Cardinal Fridolin Ambongo Besungu, or Ghana’s Cardinal Peter Kodwo Appiah Turkson.

Personally, I’m taking the Latin Patriarch of Jersalem, Pierbattista Pizzaballa for the name alone. Are you kidding me?

When you sign up for DraftKing of Kings, you’ll get an officially licensed DKoK Pope hat. (We can only hope it’s signed by Pierbattista Pizzaballa himself. Learn more:

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*Originally posted April, 2014

Yes, this year, Easter Sunday falls on April 20th. “Big Deal,” you say? You do know that April 20th is 4/20, right? The code for the smoking of the weed, hello?

Allegedly, back in the 70’s kids at San Rafael High School would meet in front of a statue of Louis Pasteur at 4:20, hence the term.

There will not be another Easter-4/20 until 2025. So, as one stoned friend said, “Imma get high as f*** and go trick or treat!” In honor of such a blessed event, I’ve taken the Easter holiday classic “Peter Cottontail” and re-worked it. Please enjoy “Peter Cottonmouth.”

Have a 4/20 sing-a-long:

Here comes Peter Cottonmouth

A bunny-shaped bong made of glass

He’s best buds with that bunny

There goes Peter Cottonmouth

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The March 29th episode of Saturday Night Live was a pretty typical broadcast. Mike Madison, Academy Award winning best actress from Anora hosted with musical guest Morgan Wallen.

Bet on who will be the next Pope on Draftking of Kings.

I mean, until the end, when the country singer of the hit Last Night, unceremoniously walked off stage in the middle of the farewell, the traditional curtain call for the NBC sketch comedy show.

Later, Wallen posted a photo on Instagram of a private jet on a tarmac accompanied by the words, “Get me back to God’s country.” Many considered the combination of his post and his quick exit was an insult to both NYC and the cast and crew of SNL.

During the following week’s episode, SNL skewered the singer with a couple of jabs highlighting his behavior.

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The thing is, nobody really knows for sure why Wallen walked off. Maybe it wasn’t a snub. Maybe he was about to poop his pants? I suppose he could have had an appointment to get drunk, throw a chair off a balcony and use the N-word. I don’t know.

In this parody song of his hit, Last Night, we speculate as to the many reasons Wallen bailed on SNL’s end credits. It’s Saturday Night.

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As much as cutting down the nets after winning an NCAA Basketball Championship, the March Madness Song is a long-storied tradition.

Get ready for the papal conclave by placing a bet on DraftKing of Kings.

You see, ya put down a crappy beat on your Casio, add some really bad piano playing and name off all 68 teams that qualified for The Big Dance.

Now, the key is, you have to cram all 68 mascots into :45 seconds.

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To give you an idea, and so you can verify its validity. Here are the lyrics:

Crimson Tide, Red Flash, Red Storm, Red Raiders,
Commodores, Colonials, Rebels, Boilermakers,
Cowboys, two Aggies, Longhorns and Bison,
Spartans twice, Trojans, Aztecs, Illini, the Tritons

Six Bulldogs, Huskies, Terriers,
Hornets, Wolverines, Ducks, Terps, Badgers,
Couple of Rams, Gators and Lobos
Oh my gawd, still 33 to go!

Panthers, four Tigers, a pair of Wildcats,
Three Cougars, Sooners, Gaels, Mavericks, Flames, Razorbacks,
Blue Devils, Blue Jays, Cardinals, Musketeers,
Seahawks, Jayhawks, Volunteers, Mountaineers,

Bears, Bruins, Grizzlies, Tar Heels,
Cyclones, Eagles, and Golden Eagles.
Every team from the ‘Lopes to the Zips
Write ’em down. Fill out your brackets.

It’s March Madness! 

I ain’t gonna lie, having six Bulldgos and four Tigers in the tourney doesn’t hurt. Enjoy the March Madness Song for 2025.

• March Madness Song 2025

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On a previous Department of Education DOGE update, Dr. Jerry Jillinger reported on some of the more outlandish cuts by Elon Musk’s DOGE.

Hear the first Dept. of Ed DOGE Update

Reportedly, to save money, Elon’s DOGE crew decided to eliminate the letter “J” from the alphabet; reducing the alphabet to 25 letters.

Many wondered if removing fraud from the DOE was a priority, why didn’t they eliminate the letter “Y.” Either you’re a vowel or a consonant. Pick one.

No one is really sure what the impact of DOGE’s reported attempts to root out waste, fraud and abuse will be, or how much real savings have been accounted for.

Are you suffering from Muskothelioma? You could get a cash settlement.

Now, we’ve uncovered even more drastic, if not moronic, cuts to the Department of Education’s budget. A newly renamed Dr. Gary Gillinger has a second Department of Education DOGE update.

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The term, “Department of Government Efficiency” (DOGE) in any other era, would be a point of ridicule and quickly be labeled an oxymoron.

But it’s 2025, Donald Trump has just began his second term, and who better to make cuts that affect our nation’s youth than a South African immigrant billionaire.

Place your bets on who will be the next Pope on DraftKing of Kings

Elon Musk took an uneducated machete to the U.S. Department of Education’s budget.

Under the guise of cutting “waste, fraud, and abuse,” DOGE slashed millions of dollars in contracts that could negatively impact K-12 students nationwide. On “X,” DOGE claimed it has slashed nearly a billion dollars in contracts. Of course, much of it is unverifiable and some contracts were seemingly protected under congressional mandates.

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We all assume there is some waste and fraud that should be rooted out in all governement departments, but some of these planned savings are ridiculous. With an update from the DOE, here is Dr. Jerry Jillinger.

• Deptartment of Education DOGE Update

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