STORIES TELLING STORIES

AN STS CHRISTMAS

THE BOOK OF ARNOLD

Based on The Book of Mormon

By Trey Parker & Matt Stone

---But it’s actually the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy---

with Book, Music, and Lyrics

by Eric R. Hill

“You see things And you understand… you’re a wallflower.”

We’ve all been there… high school… day 1… the challenge to fit in, to make friends, the struggle to find ourselves in the manic energy of a new building, surrounded by a sea of foreign faces. It’s all too familiar and all too real, a time in our life most of us would rather forget. But most of us don’t have the cloud of childhood trauma hanging over our heads… This is… Charlie’s “Dear Friend” letters, from novel-turned-indie film “Perks of Being a Wallflower” on STORIES TELLING STORIES.

“Welcome to the island of misfit toys.”

I love coming-of-age stories. Novels, films, television, the whole lot. I struggled a lot in my adolescence, coming to terms with getting older and the inevitable changes that begin affecting us on a much deeper level. Charlie is that version of all of us, played brilliantly by Logan Lerman in the 2012 film, that struggled to find his place in the big picture, when everything around him made him feel small. Charlie reached out to fellow shop class peer, a senior named Patrick, at a football game, and was then introduced to Patrick’s step-sister Sam, with whom he proceeded to fall deeply and immediately in love. Charlie was absorbed this group of misfit seniors who saw pieces of themselves in this shy, awkward freshman and their relationships grew and deepened as the year progressed, but also came crashing down in an instant of regrettable teenage impulsiveness. Throughout all of this, Charlie writes letters to an unnamed individual, known only as “Dear Friend,” explaining his trials and tribulations as he navigates the shark-infested waters of love, life, and mental illness as a high school adolescent.

“We accept the love we think we deserve...”

Would a Sam and Charlie relationship really last once she was off to college for good? Is the “friend” a fellow peer or a distant stranger with zero emotional involvement? And is Charlie’s sister Candace the unsung hero of this whole story? Let’s find out, as we examine Charlie’s letters from “The Perks of Being A Wallflower” on STORIES TELLING STORIES...

STARRING

ERIC R HILL - Charlie Kelmeckis | Sam | Candace

“You know what FORD stands for, don’t you? It means… Fix It Again, Tony, heh heh…”

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of Texas? BBQ? Chili? The Kennedy Assassination? Oswald and the Grassy Knoll? Or is it Propane and Propane Accessories? In the sleepy town of Arlen there exists a man. He’s the man for this point in time. A man of dignity. A man of respect. A man of… oh wait… this story isn’t about Hank… Or Bill, or Boomhauer. This is… THE MAGIC BULLET from Mike Judge’s animated series “King of the Hill” on STORIES TELLING STORIES.

“Guns don’t kill people, the Government does...”

Dale Gribble… everyone’s favorite right-wing, conspiracy theory spewing, gun-toting, mountain dew drinking, exterminating, clone of his own future self from the year 2087 is many things… From running a small business, sort-of, to being President of the Gun Club, and chief firing agent in human resources for a stint, he’s worn a lot of hats outside of those provided by Certified Bounty Hunting and Manitoba Cigarettes… He aspired to inspire… children specifically, about the magic and mystery of guns. In Season 13 Episode 7, “Manger Baby Einstein” Dale takes a page from John Redcorn and LouAnne Platter, both of whom are cashing in on the early childhood education trends in their respective ways. Dale pens and “self-publishes” i.e. writes on lined paper and staples together, his master work… an illustrated, rhyming, and slightly musical book about a gun and her bullets i.e. her children… a work that he tries to share with his friends, but that Hank ultimately tells him is “kind of stupid.” What’s a downtrodden Gribble to do?

“I can show you how to make a bomb with a roll of toilet paper and a stick of dynamite”

Would THE MAGIC BULLET have incurred a lawsuit from the infomercial product company of the same name? Would it sell in today’s cutthroat marketplace? And is Dale Gribble, i.e. Rusty Shackleford really the best person to teach kids about guns? All this and more as we dive into THE MAGIC BULLET, as read by Rusty Shackleford, on STORIES TELLING STORIES...

STARRING

ERIC R HILL - Dale Gribble | Rusty Shackleford | Hank Hill | Nancy Gribble

When things go bump in the night… when statues and paintings have wandering eyes… when our sanity drops to dangerously low levels, how can we know what’s real, and what isn’t really happening? Set the clock to 3:33 and enter the secret room… sit down at the ancient desk and peer inside the tightly-bound pages as we examine one of the strongest women in video game terror, Alexandra Roivas, in part 4 and our epic conclusion to the 2019 STS Halloween Spooktacular. This is… The Tome of the Eternal Darkness… on STORIES TELLING STORIES.

“Flesh… bone… bound together with the oddest magikal incantations...”

Lara Croft… Jill Valentine… Samus Aran… The list is small but mighty when one ponders the strongest women in video game history. Some explore, some survive, others kick ass and take names. But one game often missing from the list is Alexandra Roivas, hailing from the Nintendo Gamecube cult classic ETERNAL DARKNESS, SANITY’S REQUIEM. Produced by Silicon Knights and originally designed for release on the Nintendo 64, ETERNAL DARKNESS ultimately found a home on the Gamecube and crafted a niche for itself as a “psychological horror” game, at a time when survival horror franchises like RESIDENT EVIL and SILENT HILL were the king of fear. ETERNAL DARKNESS took a different approach by including a “sanity meter” in the game, which was affected by the presence of enemies, hallucinations, and contact with the Tome and the stories it contained, and creatively turned the player’s own mind against them in freakishly creative ways. The lower your sanity dropped, the further your character suffered… from simple effects like bleeding walls and whispering voices, to more intense and infuriating things like a false ending or the game appearing to erase your memory card, one that I fell for and layed undue blame upon my little sister who was exploring on my save file… a mistake I didn’t realize I had even made until 6 weeks later when I fired up the game again... Dubbed “Sanity Effects” these elements became the highlight of the game and the reason I played through it dozens of times. The narrative centers around the Roivas family, with Alexandra Roivas acting as the central character that connects all the subplots and pulls the player into the story. Traversing two millennia we meet a host of playable characters, from distant relatives to byzantine monks and even a Canadian firefighter. The game has you align yourself with one of the three “Guardians” which are interdimensional Gods who overpower and succumb to each other’s powers in a power triad, meaning no one Guardian can rise above the other two; an interesting take on checks and balances. And the game plays out differently depending on which Guardian you align yourself with, meaning replay value is very high, and in a lot of ways is never the same game twice...

“May the rats eat your eyes!!! The darkness is coming!”

Whose flesh and bone is the TOME bound with anyway? Does it smells more like beef jerky or a phone book? And why the hell does Alex not know her way around her grandfather’s house as a fully-grown adult?! Let’s find out as we crack the cover and dive head-first into Roivas Family history and the TOME of the Eternal Darkness, on STORIES TELLING STORIES...

STARRING

ERIC R HILL - Edward & Maxamillion Roivas | Pious Augustus

MELANIE MALBOUEF - Alexandra Roivas

Today on STORIES TELLING STORIES we serve up some liver, alongside some fava beans and a nice chianti as we take a bite out of Hannibal Lecter’s “Quid Pro Quo” to Detective Clarice Starling in “SILENCE OF THE LAMBS”... Part 3 of our 4-Part October Spook-Tacular, where we examine a collection of strong female characters from across horror and fear in pop culture.

"He’s a monster… a pure psychopath... ”

There aren’t many films I was barred from watching when I was young… my father was fairly liberal in what he allowed us kids to watch (more like would watch while we were in viewing distance, but we’re not splitting hairs here…), but “SILENCE OF THE LAMBS” was one that my mom would not allow us kids to watch. And so, at least for me, it developed its own special ethos… a cloak of darkness around this fabled film that was so horrific, so jarring, and so terrifying that young minds would be lost in a sea of recurring nightmares for merely being exposed to it. I knew of IT, Freddie Cruger, and countless other classic figures of horror, but it took until I was an adult in college to finally experience what made Hannibal Lecter so terrifying.

For the unaware, SILENCE OF THE LAMBS tells the story of the FBI’s search for a serial killer named Buffalo Bill. An agent-in-training, CLARICE STARLING is assigned to the case and, as part of her investigation, learns that one HANNIBAL “THE CANNIBAL” LECTER may have information that could lead to the capture of Buffalo Bill. Lecter is a man of science with a brilliant mind and is cunning beyond compare. Through a series of games and deals he gleans the information he needs from law enforcement to secure his own escape from the asylum, while at the same time giving them just enough bread crumbs to keep them distracted. Without giving too much away, Lecter promises Starling the information she seeks only through a quid pro quo agreement, that she tell him what he wants to know about her childhood. One of these requests has to do with little Clarice and a baby lamb… The silence of which… is deafening…

“I am in trouble here, this woman is not right!”

Is Hannibal Lecter proof that there exists a fine line between brilliance and insanity? Does Clarice outsmart him or does he let her believe she does? And a human liver should be the LAST part of a person you would want to eat… this is Lecter’s Quid Pro Quo, from SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, as read by Jody Foster and Sir Anthony Hopkins, on Stories Telling Stories!

Today on STORIES TELLING STORIES we peel back the binding and breath in the intoxicating must of a vintage hard cover as we examine the story within the story in Stephen King’s MISERY… MISERY’S RETURN, in Part 2 of our 4-Part October Spook-Tacular, where we examine a collection of strong female characters from across horror and fear in pop culture.

"I’m your number one fan!”

I have a bit of a soft spot for MISERY. It was the first Stephen King book that little seventh-grade Eric picked up on his own to read. Having never seen the movie and knowing little of the story beyond what had been referenced in other media, I had no idea what to expect. And it haunted me… truly… for weeks after I read it. I saw Annie Wilkes in the darkness when I turned off the light; hobbling for safety on my own bloody stump… but I’m getting ahead of myself…

MISERY tells the story of struggling author PAUL SHELDON, who finds himself in the care of one ANNIE WILKES after his car careens off the road during a snowstorm. As the days progress, he finds himself exclusively under her version of “care” with no guests, no doctors, and a fandom that crosses from admiration to obsession as she, upset with his treatment of his own characters in the books, forces him under the threat of extreme violence to rewrite the story to appease her… a threat that she indeed makes true on. But you’ll have to read the book to find out how… Or see the movie... Portrayed in the 1990 film by Kathy Bates, in one of her most remarkable and powerful roles, Wilkes is strong, but fragile, headstrong but humble, and capable of incredible amounts of love… at any expense… The film is a fairly faithful recreation of King’s novel but does stray in some key departments, notably in the areas of Sheldon’s growing drug addiction and the lengths Wilkes goes to to keep him immobilized and unable to escape his prison.

“I am in trouble here, this woman is not right!”

Had he not made a daring escape, would Annie have ever let Paul go? Is he as much of a dirty birdy as Annie makes him out to be? And licking another person’s blood from your own hands.. Really?!? This is MISERY’S RETURN from Stephen King’s MISERY, as read by Kathy Bates and James Caan, on Stories Telling Stories!

STARRING:

Carrie Baker as ANNIE WILKES | MARCIA

Eric R Hill as PAUL SHELDON

STANLEY: The lake! You’re supposed to die IN...THE...LAKE!

The leaves are changing… the days are getting colder and the nights are getting longer… autumn is in the air. It’s October, and Halloween is just around the corner; a time for sweet treats, tricks and treats, and scary stories to keep you up at night… Here at STS, we’re no strangers to the power of a good scary story, so we’re setting up a Halloween Spook-Tacular October, with four tales of terror sure to make your spine tingle… first up, we take a midnight ride to the middle of Summit Lake, to examine an underwater offering from my favorite early-2000’s made-for-TV movie, and examine Judd Nelson’s haunting portrayal of B-Movie script writer Stanley Caldwell. This is... GARDEN OF FLESH, from USA Network’s CABIN BY THE LAKE, on STORIES TELLING STORIES...

"I’m not here and I can’t afford voicemail, I’m just the writer… what do you want?”

In the year 2000, I was a huge fan of professional wrestling, specifically the then-WWF which aired Monday Night Raw on the USA Network. I didn’t otherwise pay much attention to the network, only tuning in for wrestling programming. But in the weeks leading up to the February 1st release of CABIN BY THE LAKE my interest was piqued during commercial breaks between matches, teasing a Judd Nelson-led suspense thriller that was sure to relaunch the career of the Breakfast Club alum. After a quick trip to the local Ames Department store, in my grandmother’s trusty Ford Taurus, I had a blank VHS cassette at the ready and settled in to record this no-doubt Oscar worthy made-for-tv performance, after the night’s wrestling had concluded. I don’t remember what happened on that episode of RAW, but I remember Cabin by the Lake…

“If you have to go to the hospital you don’t want to be caught wearing dirty underwear…”

Stanley is a screenwriter struggling with writer’s block. He’s at his mountain lake cabin trying to finish the script for a film that has already been sold into production. His agent and the film’s director are hounding him for a script that mocks him with blank pages. We experience the silence of Stanley’s life… a quiet home, silence, a squeaking office chair… minimal distraction. And minimal work. But much like a classically-trained thespian, there is a method in place… Stanley remarks to his agent, “okay, I’ll drown the girl,” in exasperation to her hounding about his failure to deliver the script on time, as the film is already going into production. And where she heard a writer writing, Stanley hears a call to action, beyond his desire to glean bits of character and motivation by holding an actual girl hostage… He enters… through a secret door, to a secret room, visible through a two-way mirror, we find a girl, Kimberly, chained to the floor… Stanley enters with a plate of food and a bottle of water, setting them in the center of the room… we see graffiti on the walls from a furnished permanent marker, a bare mattress against the far wall, a sink and a toilet… prison, in such a pristine environment. He gives her clean clothes and gags her with an orange for a trip out on the boat, where he ties her to a brick and pushes her overboard, after surmising from a few key questions that she was too frightened to speak. He pulls her up by the hair, for one last gasp of air, advising her “Don’t hold your breath… it just makes it worse…” before letting her go, sinking into the quiet night as her voice is silenced forever. Will she complete his garden?

“Nah, it’s dead out there…”

I adore this movie. It’s low-budget, it’s corny as hell, but Nelson’s intense stare and intimidating presence dominate every scene he’s in. The rest of the actors, try as they might, can’t manage to escape the shadow that he casts. But outside the Brat Pack, Judd Nelson was never able to achieve the level of success and steady work as some of his peers, which is unfortunate. His intensity is off-the-charts and when given a layered character he can go to town on the subtle nuances that truly bring them to life. The mistake Hollywood made with Judd Nelson was trying to make him a leading man… and perhaps he longed for the roles taken by an Estevez or a Lowe, but few actors worth their salt can imbibe a deranged, intense, gentle, friendly, and brutal mindset into a single character, with convincing integrity like he can. Nelson’s got chops… he ain’t just John Bender, kids.

“You gave me blank pages!!”

How many other scripts like this has Stanley written? Where did he first get the idea to kidnap girls as character research? And why the hell did “Return to Cabin By The Lake” have to suck so badly compared to the original?!? This is GARDEN OF FLESH from the made-for-USA Networks TV Movie “CABIN BY THE LAKE,” as read by Judd Nelson, on Stories Telling Stories!

STARRING:

Eric R Hill as STANLEY | SHERIFF | OFFICER BOONE

Sarah Venooker as MALLORY | REGAN | RANDOM AGENT

Thomas Hunt as LANCE

In this episode of STORIES TELLING STORIES, we look back on what we’ve accomplished so far with 1 and a half seasons of this wild, wacky, inflatable, arm-flailing, Danny DeVito Throw Momma From The Train Inspired pop culture podcast... We examine the delays that have plagued season 2… and, most importantly, the desire to break out of the self-imposed mold into which this show was born in this STATE OF THE CAST update, as well as introduce our new limited-sister series CAST OF THE STATE where we examine the history of, and cast members of MTV’s gone-but-not-forgotten early 90’s sketch comedy show THE STATE.

"And remember, bbbbring, bbbring... Hello, cheese? NO! Cheese can't dial a phone."

As I’ve mentioned in previous bits and pieces, here and there, over the past couple years, STS had its humble beginnings as a tribute of sorts to Danny DeVito’s directorial debut THROW MOMMA FROM THE TRAIN, and the stories being crafted in Professor Donner’s creative writing class. And while I’ve only tackled two of those stories to date (Mrs Hazeltine’s Submarine Story, and Murder at my Friend Harry’s) I plan on milking that film for all its worth before this podcast, as all do, comes to its inevitable end. I’ve explored stories within stories from The Simpsons, Family Guy, Back to the Future, The Marvel Cinematic Universe, and more, with several more scripts and mediums in the works right now.

So what’s the hold-up? Why am I doing this? Why the delay?

Let me start off by saying… telling other people’s stories is fun. But it’s also hard work. Not only do I have to find them, I have to write them to style, perform them to the best of my ability, edit it all together, and hope to whatever podcasting gods oversee this sort of work that it makes sense, is well-received, and that I don’t stray far enough from Fair Use to get sued.

And, frankly, I’m bored. I want to do more. I don’t want to JUST tell other people’s stories… like the story of MICHAEL IAN BLACK, who rose to prominence from his humble beginnings on MTV’s THE STATE.

MIB is arguably the most recognizable alum from THE STATE. His career highlights include his role in “Wet Hot American Summer”, a recurring presence on VH1’s “I Love The…” series that he feared he may never break away from, and a robust stand-up comedy career that keeps him busy. MTV spun off THE STATE, of sorts, with the show VIVA VARIETY from 97-99 that brought fellow STATE cast-members Thomas Lennon and Kerri Kenney together alongside MIB’s “Johnny Blue Jeans.” But as they went on to (arguably) lesser-known fame, BLACK’S dry, irreverent take on pop culture helped make in a “bit” of a household name. His writing credits include the co-penned Simon Pegg feature “Run, Fatboy, Run” and “Wedding Dayz.” He’s also written quite the collection of children’s books, much like Danny DeVito’s character OWEN in THROW MOMMA FROM THE TRAIN, voiced several characters on Seth Green’s ROBOT CHICKEN, and makes me wonder why of all the alum I could have focused on I had to start with the one with the longest and most impressive… resume…

Going forward, I plan on expanding the scope of the STS brand into more of an umbrella that covers a wider range of topics. I wouldn’t call it a “podcast network” so much as I’d like to grow into a collective of different shows and personalities with a pop-culture focus, that ultimately tells good stories, whatever they may be. I experimented with this shift with the Season 2 April Fool’s episode “STORIES TELLING BEDTIME STORIES / ASMR” which was an unabashed joke and a riot to write and record. It was also, statistically speaking, surprisingly well received by STS listeners around the globe as it spiked interest in the podcast by over 300% in the month of April; a level of growth that has persisted since then, with new listeners jumping onboard all the time from all around the country and all around the world.

I haven’t reached all 50 states yet, but THE STATE itself first appeared on MTV December 17, 1993 and ran for four seasons, spanning only 28 total episodes, the finale of which aired on July 1st, 1995. The show ran into issues in regards to possible syndication and home video release due to the use of licenced music in the show. The issue of which wasn’t a big deal for MTV to initially air, as they paid yearly royalties to music licencing companies (since they used to show music videos back in the day, oddly enough) but it makes for a much bigger headache when it comes to transferring the content to another medium. And a niche show like THE STATE didn’t have a big enough legacy or following to warrant the lawyer and legal headaches a syndicated or home video release would bring until July 14th, 2009, 14 years and 14 days after the show ended, MTV finally released the complete series on DVD, and in subsequent years, to streaming services. What a memorable day in television history!

Much like the assortment of memorable characters MIB played on THE STATE including Levon, of Barry and Levon, a suave pair of sexually ambiguous swingers alongside Thomas Lennon (of Reno 911 fame, but that’s another episode), as well as playing Captain Monterey Jack - a nonsense spewing motivational speaker that parodied anti-drug and alcohol spots that ran on MTV at the time. But the TAPE PEOPLE sketch, about people with tape on their faces, has the double-duty of being one of my personal favorites as well as bringing us back to our source material THROW MOMMA FROM THE TRAIN, which shows Billy Crystal’s “Professor Donner” taping up his own face in the opening shot of the film, as he copes with his writer’s block. “I am the phantom… of the novel!”

Not to allude to my own pop culture project of degrees of separation between Throw Momma from the Train and every other piece of cultural significance in the past 50 years or anything, but for some reason I keep coming back to it, even now as I attempt to expand upon and grow STS into something more than a creative reimagining of someone else’s intellectual property. I’ve always had an interest in music, as the STS Season 1 finale displays, with my musical episode of A PETER GRIFFIN CHRISTMAS and expanding into music discussion as it relates to pop culture is something I hope to do on as well. Envisioning more of an unscripted roundtable with guests, like a traditional podcast, is appealing to me, and something I think my listeners would enjoy. If you’d like to let me know what you think about my plans… my little scheme… to grow the brand, feel free to let me know over on facebook, shoot an e-mail to [email protected] or even throw me a dollar over at Patreon.com/StoriesTellingStories and let’s open up a discussion, like whether THE STATE deserves to languish in obscurity as time goes on, or if it truly stands alongside lesser-known sketch comedy peers like Round House, Kids in the Hall, or MadTV.

It’s a shame that THE STATE only lasted a paltry 28 episodes. But the fact that MICHAEL IAN BLACK has been able to cultivate such an impressive career from such humble beginnings, and the fact that we’re still talking about a short-lived show that went off the air nearly a quarter of a century ago speaks volumes to the fact that those involved delivered comedy and farce with a lightning-fast wit, absurd and ridiculous character archetypes that drew the line at expectation and shattered it with surrealist abandon, and wrapped it all up with an unconventional twist on stale tropes and a masterful subversion of pop-culture expectation. If you have enjoyed sketch comedy in ANY form in the last 50 years, or even Vaudeville if you’re counting, you owe it to yourself to go back and check out THE STATE, because even after 25 years it’s remarkably fresh and side-splittingly funny.

I’m really looking to engage some of you thousands of listeners out there. What would you like to see as season 2 progresses, and as we look towards 2020 and Seasons 3 and beyond? I’ve always had an interest in music, caffeinated products, video games, technology, and lots of stuff beyond what I’ve covered on this podcast to date. I’ve also thought about including more of the behind-the-scenes process of what goes into making this show happen, which I started with episode 206 by doing a livestream over on the patreon of my voiceover and editing session, which I plan to continue as a benefit if there’s any interest in it. And I’d like to bring in other writers for talks on the process of creation and hearing about their history and growth as a writer, Story Writers Telling Their Stories, perhaps. If I can line someone up, we’ll see what we can do to make it happen. I don’t want to turn this into yet another talking, rambling, podcast, but it would be fun to have an occasional dialogue going, and someone to simply shoot the shit with.

Music. Writing. “The Process.” Maybe even reading and reviewing user submissions. The sky truly is the limit as we examine how far we’ve come as a scrappy little podcast and look to where we can take it in the future. I, for one, am excited. We’re just getting started, friends. Let’s make the most of it!

"What am I doin'?"

STATE OF THE CAST & CAST OF THE STATE is produced in association with SEEING REDD PRODUCTIONS and STS MEDIA GROUP, recorded on-location at MILTHOUSE STUDIOS in Milton, Vermont, and podcasting around the globe to your frontal lobe wherever podcasts are found. Be sure to LIKE US on facebook, shoot us an e-mail if you have any questions, and if you really like the show consider supporting it on Patreon for as little as a dollar a month, where you’re free to catch a voiceover livestream, check out future episode ideas, and even pitch me your own. Because why not? I am EricTheReDD signing off and, as always, Stay Whimsical!

"You can't bargain with God. But you can bargain with me, and I can bargain with God."

EPISODE STS-206:

Written by Eric R. Hill

So today on STORIES TELLING STORIES, we peel back the fur, crack back the cranium and question curiously how this cunning canine became a cult classic of cartoon, uh… crap... I was on such an alliterative run there… Anyway, This is Brian Griffin’s best-selling self-help novel WISH IT, WANT IT, DO IT!... written and read by Eric R. Hill

The Prius-driving, wife-lusting, martini-sipping, anthropomorphic son of a Biscuit from Fox’s Favorite Foul-Mouthed Family fancies himself a writer. Brian Griffin, voiced in the series by creator Seth MacFarlane, began as a voice of reason and sort-of moral conscience in the early seasons of the show. But as time progressed, he became the straight man to Stewie’s antics and got relegated to B-plots and was even written out of the show (as a fuck you to fans, because why else would you write out a character and replace him with such a shitty substitution? Actually… this is FOX we’re talking about… it makes perfect sense… so scratch that.)

In Season 9 Episode 6, “Brian Writes a Bestseller,” we get our setup for this STS episode: After the critical and commercial failure of his first novel “Faster than the Speed of Love,” Brian placed the blame for the book’s failure on society and their obsession with shallow self-help books, backed up by the fact that the current best-seller is a self-help book penned by Pauly Shore. On the back of a half-hearted dare from Stewie, Brian agrees to write his own shallow self-help book, which does indeed become a commercial success… but success for the wrong reason comes with its own set of consequences. But you’ll have to watch the episode for more on that...

Is Brian truly a boring blowhard who feigns intellectualism to feel superior to others? Is the old wise Brian from earlier seasons superior to the pompous asshole Brian of late? And why is everyone in Quahog fine with a dog dating and sleeping with human women?! This is WISH IT, WANT IT, DO IT, as read by Brian Griffin, on STORIES TELLING STORIES.

We said we'd never forget... but I think most of us have forgotten that promise...