This week we are saying goodbye to beloved computer teachers while we discuss “Passion”! We’re talking how the voiceover would go in an X-Files style, why everyone is so chill about this Angelus situation, Drusilla flying the food airplane for Spike, Jenny emailing the ritual to Giles but he never checks so he doesn’t see it, and why the hell Joyce is buying citrus in California. Girl, utilize your contacts. We go off the rails quite a bit due to the heat in our recording room, debate whether Viggo Mortensen is Danish for a really long time, and discuss (in no particular order) The Shield ship fanvideos, Danish agricultural exports, Michael Chiklis’ career, and Viggo Mortensen’s Spanish accent. Listen, we don’t know what happened either.

Note: We had some crackly audio issues in the last couple minutes we weren’t able to edit around, so bear with us through that, but if you are still listening to the end, you’re a real one anyway.

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 This week we are casting revenge love spells after we get dumped in “Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered”! We’re talking how Joyce has Tupperware rotating in a circle in her mind, whether Giles was sitting there the entire time while Buffy seduced Xander, that the basement is Xander and Cordelia’s special place, that Joyce is one step away from becoming Teena Mulder, and that sometimes you just have to run away about it. We wonder if Xander’s true home is the bus depot, laugh at the increasingly cartoonish threats to Rat Buffy, get repelled by Joyce and Ted’s pet names for each other, and put up a sign that says All Are Welcome EXCEPT Angelus. And if you need to comfort someone, just say the following words: “Dude. Way to get dumped!” It helps a lot.

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This week we are discovering that our new crush might be a werewolf while we discuss “Phases”! We’re talking how fixing your crush’s shirt tag is a sign of love, that it’s passe to pretend to hate Twilight nowadays, the Walmart parking lot size of Makeout Lane, and an update on the locker room attack bet. It’s not looking good for one of us. We wonder why Oz’s parents have basement manacles at the ready, discuss whether a pile of raw meat is a good way to attract werewolves, and really enjoy Willow and Cordelia becoming friends. If in doubt, just say out loud to yourself: A werewolf in love. It really puts things in perspective.

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This week we are losing our souls and tormenting our girlfriends while we discuss “Innocence” with special guests Courtney and Hannah from That Nostalgia Show! We’re talking all of Jenny’s backup uncles, Xander having a thought for maybe the first time ever, making sex noises in the sound booth, how iconic the rocket launcher scene is, and Giles being utterly oblivious about what happened last night between Buffy and Angel. We think Jenny should try doing minor inconveniences at Angel, hate on Joyce just a tiny bit more, enjoy Oz being wise beyond his years, and really enjoy how inconsequential The Judge is. Remember if your shitty uncle dies, make sure to steal his dorky hat!

Please support our guests and check out That Nostalgia Show for more X-Files coverage!

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This week we are making it to vampire base with our boyfriends while we discuss “Surprise”! We’re talking Benedict Jenny, that some members of the Scooby Gang are still eating the Ted cookies, Angel sent to the store to buy party hats, Spike and Dru getting a personalized “Live Laugh Love” sign for their condo, that we would never not recognize Brian Thompson and his powerful chin, and Jenny’s uncle’s weird hat. We appreciate Oz’s chill at discovering the existence of vampires, wonder if Angel might have more game than Mulder, wonder how many docks this damn town has, and propose Jenny and Angel going on an evil makeover montage. Who watches the Watcher?

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This week we are raising evil offspring and avoiding cowboy vampires while we discuss “Bad Eggs”! We’re talking Willow having hormone fear, whether or not Spike would be a big Tweeter, that they should have let baby Ella into the writer’s room, if Tector Gorch is a name or not, whether Xander was hard-boiled as a kid, and bug slappy hands. We obsess over the logistics of the Sunnydale High security guard situation, save that Joyce Shrieking image to our personal files, talk a lot about omelets, and highlight some developments with the uncomfortable pillow situation.

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This week we are trying to hide the fact that we hate our new stepfather while we discuss “Ted”! We’re talking being seduced by mini-pizzas, Angel spending a lot of time at the bowling alley, how Giles/Joyce is deader than Ted, lots of references to I.F.T. from Breaking Bad, and that this episode is really not a good look for Joyce. We laugh at Joyce putting away tons of Ted Tupperware, realize that there are actually consequences to killing someone, revive our Vince impression, and wonder if we too would sell out for tasty food.

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This week we are performing a ritual to heal our evil girlfriend while we discuss “What’s My Line? Part 2”! We’re talking Slayer logistics, Kendra’s Watcher stuck at the airport picking up the luggage, the infinite Slayer loophole, whether there’s a Watcher group chat that Giles is not invited to, the “Any more ladies in the house?” club mix, and the vampire throuple’s history with sexy torture. We wonder if the assassins are going to be after Buffy forever now, reveal the real reason Oz dyed his hair, get confused about Angel’s on-again, off-again shirt, and watch Angel and Drusilla rotating slowly in the microwave. Just because Howie didn’t write this episode is not going to stop us from blaming everything on him.

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This week we are being menaced by assassins and finding out we’re not the only Slayer while we discuss “What’s My Line? Part 1”! We’re talking being attacked by bad accents, our theory about why everyone is pissy in this episode, the “I like shrubs” checkbox, Buffy and Drusilla having a legendary Pout-Off, the dreaded Chiseler, and Angel pulling a Mulder and shouting “BUFFAY!” We think it’s cute that Spike and Drusilla paint each other’s nails, laugh at how Angel can’t bust out of a $10 padlock, point out that the dialect coach is probably the monster of the week, and celebrate the one and only Howie episode we’ll get this series. What exactly does it take to get power-freaked?

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This week we are learning about our mentor’s seedy past while we discuss “The Dark Age”! We’re talking how messed up it is to target ethical vampires, Giles not enjoying being teased about first-edition books at all, how shocking it is for Giles to have a little tipple after work, Ethan and Buffy awkwardly going to the tattoo removal place together, and the glossy 8x10 photo that Giles keeps of himself. We talk about the importance of Sunnydale coroners checking that the bodies are still there, get sad about Giles and Jenny’s breakup, and want Ethan Rayne to pull Ripper out of Giles more often. Vampire MD coming to your TV this fall.

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