Sweet Valley Hive

This week, Pardo is sick with a cold, and Liz is sick with an unquenchable lust for her new dirty habit. While her friend Robin Wilson is asking the big questions (Should I go to Sarah Lawrence, which 40 years from now will be the site of a notorious sex cult that will be documented in a gripping Hulu limited series???), Liz shamefully hides in Jessica’s room, doing something positively blasphemous.

Join us for a discussion of rich aunts, tough decisions, and sex cults in “A Powerful Allegory about Jerking Off” (Sweet Valley High #46, Decisions).

This week, a stranger with a shadowy past has come to Sweet Valley. Is sexy poet/barista Eric a murderer on the run, or is he perhaps running from danger himself? We’re seriously spooked, which isn’t helped by the fact that the mob boss in the book happens to also be selling property on Pardo’s street. Coincidence?

Join us for a discussion of panic buttons, moral philosophies, and (yet again), troubling uses of police composites, in “The System Is Working” (Sweet Valley Super Thriller 2, On the Run).

Cousin Kelly is visiting Sweet Valley, but the grin on her face belies a deep-seated—dare we say, repressed?—darkness that emerges only in her night terrors. Jess and Liz sense something is seriously wrong, so they support her the only way they know how: by throwing themselves into crafting costumes for the party of the week.

When tensions escalate, we are forced to confront some Very Serious Issues, but the love and support of the Wakefields feels like a balm that soothes our weary hearts.

Join us for a discussion of hot uncles, repressed memory, and the nature of secrets in “Who Wants Eggs?” (Sweet Valley High #45, Family Secrets).

[Content Warning: Domestic Violence]

This week, the dybbuk known as Steven is bravely grappling with one of the most serious issues we’ve encountered yet: seasonal allergies. Meanwhile, Pardo’s Instacart shopper is struggling with a multi batch. Will they be able to persevere in a world without organic mint to complete the order?

Join us as we discuss the perils of pollen, the drama of anonymous love letters, and when giving gifts becomes giving inappropriate, in this week’s episode, “An Unprecedented Weaponization of Season Allergies” (Sweet Valley High #44 Pretenses). Listen till the very end for an eye-opening follow-up insight!

This week, there’s a new bitch in town, and her name is…Nana?

Enid’s beloved grandmother has come to stay with the family, but she’s not the warm, nurturing, cookie-baking Nana of Enid’s childhood. In fact, she’s absolutely serving c***, and giving a masterclass in passive aggression that even Robert couldn’t match.

Join us for a discussion of boundaries, family, and pulpy orange juice in this week’s episode, “True Life: My Nana’s a Bitch” (Sweet Valley High #43, Hard Choices).

This week, we’re back from vacation and ready to tackle the complex subject of interracial relationships. Cheerleader Sandy Bacon is dating Manuel Lopez (our first named Mexican-American character), but Sandy’s afraid to tell her parents, who are well-known racists. It’s a text that is at some points highly nuanced and (as Robert would say) well-observed, and at other points makes us convulse with rage. 

Join us as we discuss this complicated story, freak out over a shockingly pornographic moment, and succumb to more than a few exhaustion-induced giggle fits, in “Solving Racism One ‘Whatever’ at a Time” (Sweet Valley High #42, Caught in the Middle). Whatever!

A spooktacular hello to our listeners this week as we dig into our first Super Thriller! Liz and Jess have a summer job at the local paper, and it feels like business as usual—cute boys, Jess complaining about a strict boss—until we take a sharp left turn into terror. When Jess witnesses a murder and the murderer witnesses her, both Jess or Liz are in mortal danger.

Join us as we break down the semiotics of parking garages, the thrill of being spooked, and much more in “He’s Definitely Problematic Because He Was Holding a Corpse” (Sweet Valley High Super Thriller #1, Double Jeopardy).

This week, we deal with the aftermath of a painful and shocking event that rocked Sweet Valley.

Molly, our titular outcast, is being blamed and finds comfort with a shady drug dealer who’s on the lam and who—you guessed it—has a knife.

Will our friends come to their senses and take action to help Molly? Or will they be forever trapped in a Hamletine paralysis?

We’ll deal with grief, fundraising, and Shakespeare in “To Be Being or To Be Not Exactly Being” (Sweet Valley High #41, Outcast).

If you know you know, and if you don’t know, you’re about to know real quick. This week is a Very Special Episode about a Very Special Book that rocked teenagers across the country in the 80s and continues to rock 40-year olds today. As our main character Regina thinks to herself in this book, “So this was cocaine.”

Robert and Pardo are for the first time physically co-present for the occasion, and the vibes are… off. Grab an iced tea and join us for “A Drug Dealer Who Loves a Pun” (Sweet Valley High #40, On the Edge).

It’s a tale of three catfishes at Sweet Valley High this week as the school paper’s new personals column causes ripples among the students. But who will get matched with Mr. Right, and who will find Mr. Too Good to Be True?

As the truth unfolds, we encounter secrets that should have stayed hidden, history’s most erotic baklava scene, and a sociology student with a flagrant disregard for research ethics in “A Frisson of Awkwardness” (Sweet Valley High #39, Secret Admirer).