Sweet Valley Hive

This week, we get to play that classic party game, Swiss Boarding School Telephone, as Liz applies for a competitive scholarship that would allow her to move to Switzerland to study. Luckily, Jessica is around to throw a wrench in the plans by impersonating Liz and hitting on the middle aged man sent to interview her (among others).

Join us as we discuss the allure of foreign lands, the moral quandaries that an ill-begotten lottery ticket creates, and the social fact of a yawn on this week’s episode “You is a deictic” (Sweet Valley High #38, Leaving Home).

This week, rumor(s?) are flying around Sweet Valley High as everyone tries to figure out mysterious Susan Stewart’s real background—is her mother secretly a movie star? Foreign royalty? A murderer? An upholstergeist (duh, a ghost in a chair)? Turns out, it doesn’t matter at all because her dad is a famous director, and men are the only people who matter anyway! We really dodged a bullet there!

Join us as we talk about families as an economic construct, women’s work, timekeeping, geriatric pregnancies, and frittata on “You’re Gonna Enable” (Sweet Valley High #37, Rumors).

The powerful feminist message of this week’s text caused Robert to weep. Our lead character, Johanna, has painfully low self esteem because sadly, in addition to being beautiful, she’s gifted only at math and science and not music like the rest of her family (don’t think about it too hard). Even worse, Johanna has a crush on Peter, a (hot) narcissist who doesn’t even understand that simplicity is elegance when it comes to software engineering and who ignores her completely. In the end, though, she overcomes these obstacles and proves to everyone that she can be anything she wants to be (a math and science student). Keep the tissues close for this one!

Join us for a discussion of self-love, relationships, and Laura Ashley dresses in “Squirmy Little Weasel” (Sweet Valley High #36, Last Chance).

This week, we finally get what we’re all been waiting for—a real carnival! Add to that a wild horse, a torturous tour of the farm, a fake twin swap, and overprotective relatives who seem hellbent on ruining all the fun, and you have this complete banger of a super edition!

Join us as we explore the lovely town of Walkersville, Kansas in “It Doesn’t Feel like Gingham to Me” (Sweet Valley High Super Edition #6, Spring Fever).

Something’s rotten in Sweet Valley this week: cases of expired Tofu-Glo in the Wakefields’ garage. Tofu-Glo is, naturally, the soy-based beauty MLM that Jessica has joined—and THAT’S the b-plot!

In the A-plot, homosexual tension is sizzling. When Liz’s boyfriend Jeffrey starts spending more time with his soccer teammate Aaron, she becomes increasingly frustrated pondering what happens behind the locker room doors.

Join us as we watch Liz stare in the mirror and compulsively stroke her hair, in “Locker Room Lovemaking” (Sweet Valley High #35, Out of Control).

Two households, both likely split-levels,

In fair Sweet Valley, where we lay our scene,

From ancient pizza law, to new nonsense,

Where local gossips spill the beans.

From forth the fatal loins of these two foes,

Star-cross'd lovers in a Social Studies unit on married life;

Whose homework assignments lead to realizations, and

Do with simple reconciliation bury their parents' strife.

Join us for “Bouillabaisse, Will You Marry Me?” (Sweet Valley High #34, Forbidden Love)

This week, we have a story of a teen girl in the foster system struggling to find her place after moving in with her cousins. To balance out this somewhat heavy A plot, the B plot introduces an iconic Wakefield family member that listeners are sure to love. He’s a princely, snuggly treat with a healthy layer of fat under his soft shiny coat. Join us for a discussion of the foster system, puppy-rearing, and whether malls are the new Main Street, USA, in “And We *Must* Trace the Angle of Reflection” (Sweet Valley High #33, Starting Over).

This week Sweet Valley is abuzz with the promise of a “Winter Carnival.” Unfortunately we get neither winter nor a carnival in this book. Instead, we have anxiety, anticipation, and a long lonely ride on a bus that is possibly driven by Santa. Luckily this gives us time for a diversion into the story of Robert’s experience on Jeopardy!

Join us for “Bad Mood Holiday” (Sweet Valley High Super Edition #5, Winter Carnival)

Things are getting drastic in Sweet Valley this week—sick of being mistaken for her gorgeous sister, Jessica does the unthinkable: she dyes her hair black! Don’t worry, darling, she still looks amazing and is channeling European elegance to give the performance of a lifetime. 

Join us for a discussion of the semiotics of lifestyle, identical twin psychology, and so on, and so on, and so on! in “The identity and the hairdo” (Sweet Valley High #32, The New Jessica).

This week, we’ve got one of the hottest matchmaking duels of all time! What’s a matchmaking duel? No one knows. Even so, come for the introduction of one of the sexiest characters in modern literature (try to describe Jeffrey Froooonch without using the word “simmering,” we dare you), an exploration of philanthropy under late capitalism, and an anecdote about Robert being hot at a gay club in London, in “The Bullet of the Duel” (Sweet Valley High #31, Taking Sides).