This week, we are overjoyed to be joined in a totally non-tokenizing way by artist, musician, and the specialist of guests Elliot Caroll on the momentous occasion of our 50th BOOK! (Not episode! Book!)

We discuss the shame of public dancing, Chinese proverbs, and the ontological status of midlife crises in “The Way of the Bamboo” (Sweet Valley High #50, Out of Reach).

This week, we have a return to form involving fashion show sabotage, a twin identity switch, and Jessica using all of her charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent to vanquish a rival, get the guy, and secure a highly coveted brand partnership, all in one night.

Along the way, we digress into birding, Koko the gorilla, and nuclear war—you know, how terrible it would be if there was one. Put on your housecoat, grab some cold spaghetti, and join us for “The Pacific Really Makes You Think” (Sweet Valley High #49, Playing for Keeps).

Somebody call the doctor! Everyone in Sweet Valley (including Robert and Pardo) have a chronic case of Slam Book Fever! It’s positively diagnosable at this point, as the whole junior class is in a tizzy over who gets voted Biggest Flirt, Perfect Couple, and Most Likely to Always Be a Millionaire!

Join us as we talk about our own harrowing experiences with senior superlatives, Lauren Conrad’s cultural criticism, and, of course, slam books as performative texts, in “Reddest Head” (Sweet Valley High #48, Slam Book Fever).

This week, we have a love triangle nobody cares about in the A plot. Thankfully, the B plot involves Jess flexing her comedic chops and evolving into a character actress in addition to a leading lady.

Join us for a discussion of fraternity hazing, Oreos, and the trope of the secretly sensitive asshole, in “Assaultmaker” (Sweet Valley High #47, Troublemaker).

This week, Pardo is sick with a cold, and Liz is sick with an unquenchable lust for her new dirty habit. While her friend Robin Wilson is asking the big questions (Should I go to Sarah Lawrence, which 40 years from now will be the site of a notorious sex cult that will be documented in a gripping Hulu limited series???), Liz shamefully hides in Jessica’s room, doing something positively blasphemous.

Join us for a discussion of rich aunts, tough decisions, and sex cults in “A Powerful Allegory about Jerking Off” (Sweet Valley High #46, Decisions).

This week, a stranger with a shadowy past has come to Sweet Valley. Is sexy poet/barista Eric a murderer on the run, or is he perhaps running from danger himself? We’re seriously spooked, which isn’t helped by the fact that the mob boss in the book happens to also be selling property on Pardo’s street. Coincidence?

Join us for a discussion of panic buttons, moral philosophies, and (yet again), troubling uses of police composites, in “The System Is Working” (Sweet Valley Super Thriller 2, On the Run).

Cousin Kelly is visiting Sweet Valley, but the grin on her face belies a deep-seated—dare we say, repressed?—darkness that emerges only in her night terrors. Jess and Liz sense something is seriously wrong, so they support her the only way they know how: by throwing themselves into crafting costumes for the party of the week.

When tensions escalate, we are forced to confront some Very Serious Issues, but the love and support of the Wakefields feels like a balm that soothes our weary hearts.

Join us for a discussion of hot uncles, repressed memory, and the nature of secrets in “Who Wants Eggs?” (Sweet Valley High #45, Family Secrets).

[Content Warning: Domestic Violence]

This week, the dybbuk known as Steven is bravely grappling with one of the most serious issues we’ve encountered yet: seasonal allergies. Meanwhile, Pardo’s Instacart shopper is struggling with a multi batch. Will they be able to persevere in a world without organic mint to complete the order?

Join us as we discuss the perils of pollen, the drama of anonymous love letters, and when giving gifts becomes giving inappropriate, in this week’s episode, “An Unprecedented Weaponization of Season Allergies” (Sweet Valley High #44 Pretenses). Listen till the very end for an eye-opening follow-up insight!

This week, there’s a new bitch in town, and her name is…Nana?

Enid’s beloved grandmother has come to stay with the family, but she’s not the warm, nurturing, cookie-baking Nana of Enid’s childhood. In fact, she’s absolutely serving c***, and giving a masterclass in passive aggression that even Robert couldn’t match.

Join us for a discussion of boundaries, family, and pulpy orange juice in this week’s episode, “True Life: My Nana’s a Bitch” (Sweet Valley High #43, Hard Choices).

This week, we’re back from vacation and ready to tackle the complex subject of interracial relationships. Cheerleader Sandy Bacon is dating Manuel Lopez (our first named Mexican-American character), but Sandy’s afraid to tell her parents, who are well-known racists. It’s a text that is at some points highly nuanced and (as Robert would say) well-observed, and at other points makes us convulse with rage. 

Join us as we discuss this complicated story, freak out over a shockingly pornographic moment, and succumb to more than a few exhaustion-induced giggle fits, in “Solving Racism One ‘Whatever’ at a Time” (Sweet Valley High #42, Caught in the Middle). Whatever!