A spooktacular hello to our listeners this week as we dig into our first Super Thriller! Liz and Jess have a summer job at the local paper, and it feels like business as usual—cute boys, Jess complaining about a strict boss—until we take a sharp left turn into terror. When Jess witnesses a murder and the murderer witnesses her, both Jess or Liz are in mortal danger.

Join us as we break down the semiotics of parking garages, the thrill of being spooked, and much more in “He’s Definitely Problematic Because He Was Holding a Corpse” (Sweet Valley High Super Thriller #1, Double Jeopardy).

This week, we deal with the aftermath of a painful and shocking event that rocked Sweet Valley.

Molly, our titular outcast, is being blamed and finds comfort with a shady drug dealer who’s on the lam and who—you guessed it—has a knife.

Will our friends come to their senses and take action to help Molly? Or will they be forever trapped in a Hamletine paralysis?

We’ll deal with grief, fundraising, and Shakespeare in “To Be Being or To Be Not Exactly Being” (Sweet Valley High #41, Outcast).

If you know you know, and if you don’t know, you’re about to know real quick. This week is a Very Special Episode about a Very Special Book that rocked teenagers across the country in the 80s and continues to rock 40-year olds today. As our main character Regina thinks to herself in this book, “So this was cocaine.”

Robert and Pardo are for the first time physically co-present for the occasion, and the vibes are… off. Grab an iced tea and join us for “A Drug Dealer Who Loves a Pun” (Sweet Valley High #40, On the Edge).

It’s a tale of three catfishes at Sweet Valley High this week as the school paper’s new personals column causes ripples among the students. But who will get matched with Mr. Right, and who will find Mr. Too Good to Be True?

As the truth unfolds, we encounter secrets that should have stayed hidden, history’s most erotic baklava scene, and a sociology student with a flagrant disregard for research ethics in “A Frisson of Awkwardness” (Sweet Valley High #39, Secret Admirer).

This week, we get to play that classic party game, Swiss Boarding School Telephone, as Liz applies for a competitive scholarship that would allow her to move to Switzerland to study. Luckily, Jessica is around to throw a wrench in the plans by impersonating Liz and hitting on the middle aged man sent to interview her (among others).

Join us as we discuss the allure of foreign lands, the moral quandaries that an ill-begotten lottery ticket creates, and the social fact of a yawn on this week’s episode “You is a deictic” (Sweet Valley High #38, Leaving Home).

This week, rumor(s?) are flying around Sweet Valley High as everyone tries to figure out mysterious Susan Stewart’s real background—is her mother secretly a movie star? Foreign royalty? A murderer? An upholstergeist (duh, a ghost in a chair)? Turns out, it doesn’t matter at all because her dad is a famous director, and men are the only people who matter anyway! We really dodged a bullet there!

Join us as we talk about families as an economic construct, women’s work, timekeeping, geriatric pregnancies, and frittata on “You’re Gonna Enable” (Sweet Valley High #37, Rumors).

The powerful feminist message of this week’s text caused Robert to weep. Our lead character, Johanna, has painfully low self esteem because sadly, in addition to being beautiful, she’s gifted only at math and science and not music like the rest of her family (don’t think about it too hard). Even worse, Johanna has a crush on Peter, a (hot) narcissist who doesn’t even understand that simplicity is elegance when it comes to software engineering and who ignores her completely. In the end, though, she overcomes these obstacles and proves to everyone that she can be anything she wants to be (a math and science student). Keep the tissues close for this one!

Join us for a discussion of self-love, relationships, and Laura Ashley dresses in “Squirmy Little Weasel” (Sweet Valley High #36, Last Chance).

This week, we finally get what we’re all been waiting for—a real carnival! Add to that a wild horse, a torturous tour of the farm, a fake twin swap, and overprotective relatives who seem hellbent on ruining all the fun, and you have this complete banger of a super edition!

Join us as we explore the lovely town of Walkersville, Kansas in “It Doesn’t Feel like Gingham to Me” (Sweet Valley High Super Edition #6, Spring Fever).

Something’s rotten in Sweet Valley this week: cases of expired Tofu-Glo in the Wakefields’ garage. Tofu-Glo is, naturally, the soy-based beauty MLM that Jessica has joined—and THAT’S the b-plot!

In the A-plot, homosexual tension is sizzling. When Liz’s boyfriend Jeffrey starts spending more time with his soccer teammate Aaron, she becomes increasingly frustrated pondering what happens behind the locker room doors.

Join us as we watch Liz stare in the mirror and compulsively stroke her hair, in “Locker Room Lovemaking” (Sweet Valley High #35, Out of Control).

Two households, both likely split-levels,

In fair Sweet Valley, where we lay our scene,

From ancient pizza law, to new nonsense,

Where local gossips spill the beans.

From forth the fatal loins of these two foes,

Star-cross'd lovers in a Social Studies unit on married life;

Whose homework assignments lead to realizations, and

Do with simple reconciliation bury their parents' strife.

Join us for “Bouillabaisse, Will You Marry Me?” (Sweet Valley High #34, Forbidden Love)