Sweet Valley Hive

We are in the basketball mood this week! Join us as we follow Sweet Valley High’s performance in the playoffs and ponder the important question: are girls allowed to be tall?

Along the way, we discuss theories of style, meet “our first named hag” (Pardo, 2024), and Robert (hereafter known as Flyboy) shares a traumatizing story of having their photo in the news as a youth, in “Which Ear is the Gay Ear?” (Sweet Valley High #55, Perfect Shot).

This week, we have a devious bait and switch:  what appears to be a fun and frothy story of dating two boys in one weekend turns out to be a cautionary tale that ends (as they often do) with Liz tied up in a trunk.  

Meanwhile, Robert has a slow meltdown when they realize their grand Inception-style theory of the plot has been dismantled by a small detail regarding a seal (sea lion?) stuffed animal.

Join us for “Again with this, with the rope and the trunk” (Sweet Valley High #54, Two Boy Weekend).

This week, Pardo goes on an epic quest to make coffee. Meanwhile in Sweet Valley, Kristen the tennis prodigy goes on quite the journey herself, figuring out whether she could might ever leave the tennis club dining room.

Join us for a conversation about choices, second chances, and what happens when your tennis coach becomes your new mom (sorry!) in “Barista under Duress” (Sweet Valley High #53, Second Chance).

This week, Robert’s GI system tackles an overabundance of acid, and our text tackles an age old question: Should girlfriends let their boyfriends spend time with their uncles?

Plus, the most erotic pinball passage in the history of literature (and we would know; we read a lot of pinball fanfic).

Join us for “UncleGate Part 2: This Time It’s Personal” (Sweet Valley High #52, White Lies).

This week, we’re plunged into the seedy underbelly of the world of sports betting as Ronnie Edwards (Small Fry) tries to figure out how to pay off his debts to Big Al. More importantly, she’s making jewelry now! Jessica launches an exciting entrepreneurial adventure, and nothing can stand in her way of accessory domination!

Come for the catchy jingle, stay (please?) for Robert’s eight minute monologue on PF Chang’s and Good Girls in “Yeah, I Know What a Point Spread Is” (Sweet Valley High #51, Against the Odds).

This week, in honor of Halloween, we have an especially spooky text full of fake ghosts, threatened imprisonment, and terrifying late night calls to the morgue! As Nicholas Morrow falls for beautiful, young Barbara, he begins to worry that things aren’t adding up: she can’t leave the grounds of Bayview House, no one can know that they’re together, and she dresses like someone out of another time. Is she real, or just a hot ghost?

Meanwhile, Liz and Jess are investigating a sketchy mayoral candidate and a confusing artist colony, and as their stories seem to overlap, we begin to worry that hot young Barbara may be embroiled in a plot that makes absolutely no sense, but could threaten her (and her little dog, too). Join us for a spooky and spectacularly hard to follow episode in “We don’t kill ghosts. It’s not appropriate” (Sweet Valley High Super Thriller #3, No Place to Hide).

This week, we are overjoyed to be joined in a totally non-tokenizing way by artist, musician, and the specialist of guests Elliot Caroll on the momentous occasion of our 50th BOOK! (Not episode! Book!)

We discuss the shame of public dancing, Chinese proverbs, and the ontological status of midlife crises in “The Way of the Bamboo” (Sweet Valley High #50, Out of Reach).

This week, we have a return to form involving fashion show sabotage, a twin identity switch, and Jessica using all of her charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent to vanquish a rival, get the guy, and secure a highly coveted brand partnership, all in one night.

Along the way, we digress into birding, Koko the gorilla, and nuclear war—you know, how terrible it would be if there was one. Put on your housecoat, grab some cold spaghetti, and join us for “The Pacific Really Makes You Think” (Sweet Valley High #49, Playing for Keeps).

Somebody call the doctor! Everyone in Sweet Valley (including Robert and Pardo) have a chronic case of Slam Book Fever! It’s positively diagnosable at this point, as the whole junior class is in a tizzy over who gets voted Biggest Flirt, Perfect Couple, and Most Likely to Always Be a Millionaire!

Join us as we talk about our own harrowing experiences with senior superlatives, Lauren Conrad’s cultural criticism, and, of course, slam books as performative texts, in “Reddest Head” (Sweet Valley High #48, Slam Book Fever).

This week, we have a love triangle nobody cares about in the A plot. Thankfully, the B plot involves Jess flexing her comedic chops and evolving into a character actress in addition to a leading lady.

Join us for a discussion of fraternity hazing, Oreos, and the trope of the secretly sensitive asshole, in “Assaultmaker” (Sweet Valley High #47, Troublemaker).