Sweet Valley Hive

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas in Sweet Valley, and the ghost of boyfriends past (ahem…Jeffrey French) and terrible dads have come to teach Enid a thing or two about love, family, and marijuana. 

We also learn about the shocking power of Christmas cookies, the warning signs for parental manipulation, and the chokehold that mistletoe had on Sweet Valley teens in the 80s in “Books Are Mother” (Sweet Valley Super Star, Enid’s Story).

This week, we have the ultimate battle for quarterback supremacy as newly no-longer-blind Ken Matthews faces off against (gasp) GIRL Claire Middleton. Can SVH handle a woman on the football team? Can Jessica and the cheerleaders bully Claire into dropping out and restoring the status quo? Can anyone rhyme “score” with something other than “more”?

Join us as we answer these questions, plus discuss an exciting new business opportunity, explore the undeniable hold of “The Valley” (the other one), and talk about our fertile centers in “Cheer Violence” (Sweet Valley High #70, Ms. Quarterback).

**Content warning: graphic racial violence**

This week, we have a complicated book and a roller coaster of an episode. 

Our text follows Neil, a White teenager who develops increasingly racist perspectives and gradually turns against his Black friend Andy until things reach a head in a highly upsetting climax. Meanwhile, Sweet Valley High is having a broader reckoning about inequality when the results of a recent student survey reveal widespread grievances on everything from funding for women’s sports to racism in history class. Liz is even planning a “racial awareness seminar!” DEI, bitch!

Join us for a wide-ranging discussion of the psychology of White racism, Pardo’s Pap smear,  and whether it’s offensive to not be attracted to your doctor, in “I Love My Lizard Brain” (Sweet Valley High #69, Friend Against Friend).

**Content warning: graphic racial violence** 

Just for fun, try this quick thought experiment.

Soccer boy meets rocker girl.

Soccer boy and rocker girl bond over classic cinema.

Soccer boy and rocker girl fall in love, playing right into the hands of the liberal democratic agenda to produce acquiescent subjects serving the needs of the state under the guise of that which is perceived as the most authentic of experiences…romantic love. (But we’re not going to talk about that).

In this week’s text, Liz and Todd work together to set up Dana Larson and Aaron Dallas, who have both recently (and loudly) professed their disinterest in love.

Along the way, we discuss why you should always remove the colon from your paper titles, assume a fig is a metaphor for a vagina, and beware of water ghosts in “I’ve Never Once Heard You Say Wow” (Sweet Valley High #68, The Love Bet).

Blonde twins scheming to romantically entrap their parents? We know what you’re thinking, but this is completely different. In The Parent PLOT (yes, PLOT!), Jess’s and Liz’s plots are at odds with each other–Liz trying to get their parents back together, and Jess working to set them up with new partners!

Along the way, we discuss family guilt, Robert’s new hobby (you guessed it–sexing mice), and the appropriateness of being on a date with your student’s mother at Chez Sam.

Join us for “What Darts But a Mouse” (Sweet Valley High #67, The Parent Plot).

This week, we have the fallout from Tahoe in the second book of the trilogy dealing with the Wakefields’ marital drama.

When their parents separate, the twins adapt as best they can, with Liz “running away” (aka sleeping at Enid’s for one night) and Jess leveraging parental guilt to get extra money for western wear.

Plus, Jess finally plans to meet the mysterious “Charlie” she’s been talking to on a party line. Join us as we brace for the stunning reveal in “The Ululations and Throatations of the Situation” (Sweet Valley High #66, Who’s to Blame?).

This week, it’s Succession meets Flea Market Flip when grandfather Patman announces a cutthroat competition between Bruce and Roger, and the stakes couldn’t be higher: the keys to the Patman estate.

Along the way, we discuss embarrassing moments (coulda been Alanis!), heterosocial friendships, and slow-flushing toilets in “The Rabbit and The Hare“ (Sweet Valley High Super Star #2, Bruce’s Story).

*** updated ***

This week, we look into the void and come face-to-face with our own obsolescence. Pardo has made the fatal error of prompting ChatGPT to write an episode script in our voices, and when we do a live table read, the results are terrifyingly accurate.

Meanwhile in Sweet Valley, marital tensions are escalating at the Wakefield home, so Jess escapes to a happier place—a teen party line that charges a dollar a minute! When she starts getting to know the mysterious “Charlie,” we wonder whether he’ll turn out to be a child, a 43-year-old line cook named Dwayne, or (most terrifying of all) just plain ugly!

Join us as everything we hold dear is shaken to its core in “The World is Imploding; Pass the Salad Tongs” (Sweet Valley High #65, Trouble at Home).

This week, we look into the void and come face-to-face with our own obsolescence. Pardo has made the fatal error of prompting ChatGPT to write an episode script in our voices, and when we do a live table read, the results are terrifyingly accurate.

Meanwhile in Sweet Valley, marital tensions are escalating at the Wakefield home, so Jess escapes to a happier place—a teen party line that charges a dollar a minute! When she starts getting to know the mysterious “Charlie,” we wonder whether he’ll turn out to be a child, a 43-year-old line cook named Dwayne, or (most terrifying of all) just plain ugly!

Join us as everything we hold dear is shaken to its core in “The World is Imploding; Pass the Salad Tongs” (Sweet Valley High #65, Trouble at Home).

There’s a new girl in town, and—wouldn’t you know it—she looks just like Steven’s dead girlfriend, Tricia Martin! This throws Steven into a state of delusion and psychosis, setting the stage for a horror film that would make Hitchcock herself jealous. Meanwhile, Jess embraces green juice and recycling as she sets her sights on a new boy with an eco-friendly lifestyle. Underneath his “No Nukes” T-shirt is, after all, a lean physique.

Join us as we explore manic pixie dream ghosts, discuss pathologized grief, and pray for Steven’s untimely death, in “The Most Chilling Chef’s Salad in History” (Sweet Valley High #64, The Ghost of Tricia Martin).