Sweet Valley Hive

Note: We had some audio issues this week which will be fixed in the next episode. Thank you for your patience! 

This week, we have a book that is ostensibly about a romantic rivalry between two boys (“they”) over the affections of a girl, but is actually about a homoerotic relationship between two boys who really, really, love their dirt bikes. 

Outside of Sweet Valley, there’s a new character storming onto the scene: Pardo’s new Owala water bottle, whose colorway provides a narrative with twists, turns, and shocks. 

Join us for a discussion of headless influencers, the definition of modern (just kidding), and the importance of dirt bike safety,  in “Who They? What Both? Girl?” (Sweet Valley High #80, The Girl They Both Loved).

*Note: Due to circumstances that are definitely nobody’s fault, the audio is a little messed up for this episode. Don’t worry, we fix it soon (the episode after next). 

This week, there’s a new girl in town, and she has a brother (who is neither long nor lost)! But her story is so uncompelling that Robert and Pardo spend most of the episode distinguishing between Brandies (Glanville and Melville), debunking vocabulary hoaxes, and playing pool games. 

Listen till the end for a special addendum that mostly focuses on aching breasts and perimenopause! Join us for “Fuck, Marry, Kill: Chicken Salad Temperatures” (Sweet Valley High #79, The Long-Lost Brother).

This week, (previously former second-string) quarterback Scott Trost can’t get a date, so he does what any sixteen year-old boy would do: writes identical love letters to two girls he doesn’t know and then gets them to compete in a Bachelor-style contest for his attention. 

Robert and Pardo get into a heated debate about the book’s perspective and the culture at large, made more fraught by the frankly unhealthy amount of Love Island Pardo has been watching. 

Join us for an in-depth discussion of toxic masculinity, along with equally important topics like Robert’s handsomeness and the dangers of prescriptive grammar, in “A Run-of-the-Mill Humiliation Ritual”(Sweet Valley High #78, The Dating Game).

This week, a doping scandal hits Sweet Valley when a character we don’t care about starts taking “magic vitamins” to help his track performance. As Tony becomes roidier and roidier, Robert and Pardo get into a Talmudic debate regarding whether he actually fits the legal requirements to be guilty of the crime.  

Join us as we discuss basil clapping, task management software, and what happens when you have mens rea at the same time as menarche, in “Teens and Anabolic Steroid Use” (Sweet Valley High #77, Cheating to Win).

This week, it’s sister vs. sister ( 🎵ow OW OW!! 🎶) when the Miss Teen Sweet Valley pageant comes to town. Jess has entered the pageant and is working her little tuchus off with dance teacher Mr. Krazinsky—who is, sorry, absolutely serving shtetl vibes. Meanwhile, Liz is staging a feminist protest to preserve a little thing called the dignity of Sweet Valley womanhood. 

Meanwhile, Robert and Pardo learn some valuable lessons: how hard it is to answer pageant questions, why you must always finish the dance, and that it’s not about whether you win or lose—it’s about how big your tits are! 

Join us as we discuss touch typing, choice feminism, and frog-jumping in “Quick Ask Zoe” (Sweet Valley High #76, Miss Teen Sweet Valley).

GAY! GAY? GAY. G-G-GAAAAAAYYYYY! 

🎶 We’ve got our first named gay character/ We’ve got the most important book of our lives/ Did I cry this morning/ Absolutely I did!/ I cried reading about gay teenagers! 🎶 

This week, the arrival of a handsome stranger from SAN FRANCISCO (no homo…er, yes homo) sends shockwaves through both Sweet Valley and our world. 

Along the way we touch on Tim Horton’s sexuality, Robert’s coming out story, and why being a homosexual teenager involves so many pamphlets—and tennis rackets!—in “He Wore a Rainbow Bracelet” (Sweet Valley High #75, Amy’s True Love).

*Content warning: eating disorders*

Well, apparently President Bill Clinton has recently put out a PSA about eating disorders, so we have another book about the importance of getting skinny, this time with an important clarification: don’t get too skinny! You could faint or something!

In the B-plot, the cheerleaders are once again tasked with the inequitable burden of athletics department fundraising. When they come up with the ingenious idea of a “Gourmet Gorge Yourself Gala,” everyone has one question on their mind: will weakened Robin Wilson have the strength to open the cans (??) of chocolate syrup?

Along the way, we revisit historic moments from some iconic leading ladies: Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard, Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City, and Rebecca Pardo in Woman vs. Haribos. Join us for “A Dangerous Diet…” (Sweet Valley High #74, The Perfect Girl).

It’s a party this week as Robert and Pardo are physically co-present for only the second time in hive history! To celebrate, we experiment with the form, playing a deceptively straightforward drinking game that descends into chaos almost immediately. 

In Sweet Valley, a new addictive drug has hit the streets: photography. When Liz inherits her beloved dead friend Regina’s camera, she almost immediately stumbles upon evidence that implicates her in an international drug ring. 

Is there something mystical at work here?  Is Regina leading Liz on this quest from beyond the grave? Will Robert get any pasta salad? Find out in “Guess What’s Got Me This Smiling?” (Sweet Valley High #73, Regina’s Legacy).

This week, there’s a new girl in town and she’s shrouded in mystery: is she the live-in girlfriend of a man old enough to be her father, or is she the live-in daughter of a man old enough to be her father? Oh, and not for nothing: the man is a ROCK STAR!

Join us for a discussion of marimbas, angel hair pasta in the 90s, and—despite Robert’s adamant protestations—shrinkage, in “Is She His Girlfriend or Is She His Daughter?” (Sweet Valley High #72, Rock Star’s Girl).

This week, the demotic turn has hit Sweet Valley as we take a decidedly modern look at reality television.

Jessica is auditioning to appear on a national talk show, Lila is recruiting (shirtless, droplet-covered) Bruce to plot against her, and Liz is trying to deal with the most difficult question every young person must answer: am I a writer...or a ranger?

Join us for a good old-fashioned twin switch and a robust discussion of ordinary people and the media (a topic that Pardo is, unfortunately, smart about), in ”Staring Jessica” (Sweet Valley High #71, Starring Jessica).