Sweet Valley Hive

Note: Readers are advised to read this book with a pair of scissors in hand.

Sick of being pigeonholed as predictable and boring, Liz decides to surprise everyone by secretly taking surfing lessons. To her (and our) delight, she turns out to be quite the little surfer girl, inadvertently referencing the song Robert’s parents danced to at their bar mitzvah!

As Liz leans in and hangs ten, the hearts of little Becky, adult Becky, and adult Robert begin to soar with the promise of (completely developmentally appropriate) adolescent identity experimentation.

Meanwhile, Jess engages in “boutique terrorism” (hey, we’ve all been to the Gap–we know what the fitting room can look like) to get back at Caroline Pearce for… something?

Join us as we discuss the finer points of surfing, learn why you should never Google your heroes, and do some crucial inner child work, in “I Noticed the Surfboard Gave You a Pretty Good Spanking” (Sweet Valley High #63, The New Elizabeth).

This week is an absolute barn burner of a book, as we meet two of the most memorable characters in all of literature: cool rocker chick Magenta Galaxy and upper crust society darling Daniella Fromage. Jessica has cultivated these alter egos in a scheme to enhance her dating prospects, but–wouldn’t you know– Magenta and Daniella get double booked for the same night, and Liz has to step in and assume one of the roles. What ensues is a madcap farce of epic proportions that has left an indelible mark on popular culture, and on us.

Join us as we explore “the most excellent piece of literature one could imagine” (Marx, 2025), in “But the Ginger Chicken Just Arrived!” (Sweet Valley High #62, Who’s Who?).

This week’s book, as Dylan Thomas (as quoted by Robert) says, “forks no lightning.” The A-plot’s central conflict revolves around Patty’s boyfriend coming home the same weekend as her sister (?). And in the B-plot, Jess is painting T-shirts… again. It’s boring. It’s nothing. It’s a piece of water. Whatever!

Luckily this utterly blank canvas provides an abundance of space for us to paint freely on such topics as Jerry Seinfeld, human evolution, the Y2K boy band 2gether, and more.

Join us as we trudge through this nothing of a book (#Justice4Patty!) in “It Forks No Lightning” (Sweet Valley High #61, Boy Trouble).

What this week’s book lacks in cover and title interest, it more than makes up for in fun, froth, and flirtation. It’s our first Super Star Edition, and we’re learning that resident rich bitch Lila Fowler is more than just a gorgeous heiress: she’s a master manipulator, a timely eavesdropper, and…an AV maven?

When her computer chip magnate father brings home a new fiancee, Lila senses something treacherous afoot. For someone so rich, she thinks, this woman seems “not exactly solvent.” Will Lila be able to convince her father that he’s being fooled by a grifter, or will she be doomed to life with an evil stepmother?

Join us for a discussion of thoughtful maids, German reunification (which is–sorry–cringe), and Robert’s subscription to something called DaddyTV, in “Electra Who: For the Love of DILFs” (Sweet Valley High Super Star #1, Lila’s Story).

Join us under the covers this week for some quiet sobbing (it should feel wrong!) as we follow star quarterback Jason Street–oops, we mean Ken Matthews–dealing with the ramifications of a “fatal” (was it?) night.

Petite brunette Terri admires Ken from afar, pondering the question every teen girl in history has asked: “Will he ever notice me, not just as the Assistant Statistician to the Sweet Valley High football team, but as someone special?”

Along the way, Liz gets a glowing performance review and Jessica dates a boy who doesn’t impress-ah her much in “A Crumpled Toyota…” (Sweet Valley High #60, That Fatal Night).

This week, Todd and Liz negotiate their burgeoning new relationship as they are pitted against each other in a rope climb for this week’s high-stakes local event: the “Battle of the Schools” mini-Olympics (BOTSMO).

BOTSMO includes both private and public school students and Jessica is ambivalent about her allegiances within the class warfare. Will she remain loyal to her humble public school roots, or go over to the dark side and have to change her name to Bureaucracy Rothschild?

Join us as we discuss orange sherbet, AI, and the importance of proper relay team

construction in “Bureaucracy Rothschild” (Sweet Valley High #59, In Love Again).

This week, shockwaves echo throughout Sweet Valley with the return of America’s second favorite homo, Todd. Yes, “Todd’s back”—and this time… he’s rich. Liz must decide whether to stay with Jeffrey, her current boyfriend and Pardo’s truest prince, or to go back to Todd, discarding Jeffrey like so much week-old chicken salad.

Along the way, we trace the history of gazebos throughout literature, Pardo gives Liz a long-overdue performance review, and Robert becomes gradually radicalized into the #Justice4Jeffrey movement, in “The New President of Varitronics” (Sweet Valley High #58, Brokenhearted).

This week, beloved side character Olivia has her eyes on the hot new painting teacher at Sweet Valley High, who—spoiler alert—lacks appropriate boundaries.

Join us as we discuss crushes (are they always already diminutive?), the difficulty of describing paintings with text (shapes and colors, colors and shapes), and how to use a lie detector test for maximum drama in “Which Deep Hues?!” (Sweet Valley High #57, Teacher Crush).

In our fourth Super Thriller, we have pranks gone too far. In order to embarrass Liz, Jess and Lila contrive an apparently harmless Ouija Board scheme that turns out to have a *deadly* twist. Will the Ouija board’s predictions lead to an “explosive” climax?

Meanwhile, a psychopath is terrorizing Sweet Valley with hoax bomb threats! After a series of empty threats, is something bound to go “boom”?

Join us as we discuss incel propaganda, the epistemology of Ouija boards, and too much chicken in “Horny for Spirit” (Sweet Valley High Super Thriller #4, Deadly Summer).

This week, Jess is stranded on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific. In an eerie parallel, Pardo struggles to assemble an over-the-toilet storage unit for her bathroom. Will these young, beautiful, resourceful women succeed in creating comfortable domiciles by using the primitive tools available to them in these extraordinary circumstances?

Along the way, we manage to weave together Annie Lennox, 90s computer games, and why Brandeis would have been called Bussy-deis if not for a crucial intervention at Ellis Island. It all comes together in “Denial Bangle Arguing” (Sweet Valley High #56, Lost at Sea).