*Content warning: eating disorders*

Well, apparently President Bill Clinton has recently put out a PSA about eating disorders, so we have another book about the importance of getting skinny, this time with an important clarification: don’t get too skinny! You could faint or something!

In the B-plot, the cheerleaders are once again tasked with the inequitable burden of athletics department fundraising. When they come up with the ingenious idea of a “Gourmet Gorge Yourself Gala,” everyone has one question on their mind: will weakened Robin Wilson have the strength to open the cans (??) of chocolate syrup?

Along the way, we revisit historic moments from some iconic leading ladies: Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard, Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City, and Rebecca Pardo in Woman vs. Haribos. Join us for “A Dangerous Diet…” (Sweet Valley High #74, The Perfect Girl).

It’s a party this week as Robert and Pardo are physically co-present for only the second time in hive history! To celebrate, we experiment with the form, playing a deceptively straightforward drinking game that descends into chaos almost immediately. 

In Sweet Valley, a new addictive drug has hit the streets: photography. When Liz inherits her beloved dead friend Regina’s camera, she almost immediately stumbles upon evidence that implicates her in an international drug ring. 

Is there something mystical at work here?  Is Regina leading Liz on this quest from beyond the grave? Will Robert get any pasta salad? Find out in “Guess What’s Got Me This Smiling?” (Sweet Valley High #73, Regina’s Legacy).

This week, there’s a new girl in town and she’s shrouded in mystery: is she the live-in girlfriend of a man old enough to be her father, or is she the live-in daughter of a man old enough to be her father? Oh, and not for nothing: the man is a ROCK STAR!

Join us for a discussion of marimbas, angel hair pasta in the 90s, and—despite Robert’s adamant protestations—shrinkage, in “Is She His Girlfriend or Is She His Daughter?” (Sweet Valley High #72, Rock Star’s Girl).

This week, the demotic turn has hit Sweet Valley as we take a decidedly modern look at reality television.

Jessica is auditioning to appear on a national talk show, Lila is recruiting (shirtless, droplet-covered) Bruce to plot against her, and Liz is trying to deal with the most difficult question every young person must answer: am I a writer...or a ranger?

Join us for a good old-fashioned twin switch and a robust discussion of ordinary people and the media (a topic that Pardo is, unfortunately, smart about), in ”Staring Jessica” (Sweet Valley High #71, Starring Jessica).

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas in Sweet Valley, and the ghost of boyfriends past (ahem…Jeffrey French) and terrible dads have come to teach Enid a thing or two about love, family, and marijuana. 

We also learn about the shocking power of Christmas cookies, the warning signs for parental manipulation, and the chokehold that mistletoe had on Sweet Valley teens in the 80s in “Books Are Mother” (Sweet Valley Super Star, Enid’s Story).

This week, we have the ultimate battle for quarterback supremacy as newly no-longer-blind Ken Matthews faces off against (gasp) GIRL Claire Middleton. Can SVH handle a woman on the football team? Can Jessica and the cheerleaders bully Claire into dropping out and restoring the status quo? Can anyone rhyme “score” with something other than “more”?

Join us as we answer these questions, plus discuss an exciting new business opportunity, explore the undeniable hold of “The Valley” (the other one), and talk about our fertile centers in “Cheer Violence” (Sweet Valley High #70, Ms. Quarterback).

**Content warning: graphic racial violence**

This week, we have a complicated book and a roller coaster of an episode. 

Our text follows Neil, a White teenager who develops increasingly racist perspectives and gradually turns against his Black friend Andy until things reach a head in a highly upsetting climax. Meanwhile, Sweet Valley High is having a broader reckoning about inequality when the results of a recent student survey reveal widespread grievances on everything from funding for women’s sports to racism in history class. Liz is even planning a “racial awareness seminar!” DEI, bitch!

Join us for a wide-ranging discussion of the psychology of White racism, Pardo’s Pap smear,  and whether it’s offensive to not be attracted to your doctor, in “I Love My Lizard Brain” (Sweet Valley High #69, Friend Against Friend).

**Content warning: graphic racial violence** 

Just for fun, try this quick thought experiment.

Soccer boy meets rocker girl.

Soccer boy and rocker girl bond over classic cinema.

Soccer boy and rocker girl fall in love, playing right into the hands of the liberal democratic agenda to produce acquiescent subjects serving the needs of the state under the guise of that which is perceived as the most authentic of experiences…romantic love. (But we’re not going to talk about that).

In this week’s text, Liz and Todd work together to set up Dana Larson and Aaron Dallas, who have both recently (and loudly) professed their disinterest in love.

Along the way, we discuss why you should always remove the colon from your paper titles, assume a fig is a metaphor for a vagina, and beware of water ghosts in “I’ve Never Once Heard You Say Wow” (Sweet Valley High #68, The Love Bet).

Blonde twins scheming to romantically entrap their parents? We know what you’re thinking, but this is completely different. In The Parent PLOT (yes, PLOT!), Jess’s and Liz’s plots are at odds with each other–Liz trying to get their parents back together, and Jess working to set them up with new partners!

Along the way, we discuss family guilt, Robert’s new hobby (you guessed it–sexing mice), and the appropriateness of being on a date with your student’s mother at Chez Sam.

Join us for “What Darts But a Mouse” (Sweet Valley High #67, The Parent Plot).

This week, we have the fallout from Tahoe in the second book of the trilogy dealing with the Wakefields’ marital drama.

When their parents separate, the twins adapt as best they can, with Liz “running away” (aka sleeping at Enid’s for one night) and Jess leveraging parental guilt to get extra money for western wear.

Plus, Jess finally plans to meet the mysterious “Charlie” she’s been talking to on a party line. Join us as we brace for the stunning reveal in “The Ululations and Throatations of the Situation” (Sweet Valley High #66, Who’s to Blame?).