This week, a stolen diary causes a modicum of drama in Sweet Valley and a near nervous breakdown for Pardo, who finds the disconnect between the book’s title, cover, taglines, and plot unmooring and highly stressful. Robert, on the other hand, loves the book and has come prepared with “textual reasons” to back it up. 

Join us for a discussion of stalkers, Sherlock Holmes,

and the simple pleasures of being 16, blonde, and beautiful in “It’s a Rork-Shrack” (Sweet Valley High #84, The Stolen Diary).

This week, we have a study in the terror of the domestic. When her mom gets transferred to London for a new job, it seems Cara’s only option is to elope with her corpse boyfriend Steven. But as the date grows nearer, Cara becomes acquainted with the grim realities of what the performative act of marriage entails: negligee, whiny children, and—the most horrific of all—gay husbands. 

Meanwhile, Pardo and Robert discuss Sylvia Plath, color theory, and Hungry Man dinners in “Not Everything’s Great in Paradise” (Sweet Valley High #83, Steven’s Bride).

This week’s text tackles the subject of High Art vs. Commerce, with Olivia (for reasons never explained) forced to choose between a life of responsibility—severe buns, suits, and working at a department store–and an artist’s life—onion-smelling loft apartments, funky hairdos, and drinking tea. These choices are represented by her two love interests, a retail nepo baby who only talks about veal medallions and country clubs, and a starving artist who hangs out at grotty coffee shops with mean waitresses and doesn’t even notice when his sneakers are soggy.

Meanwhile, Pardo and Robert reflect on the formative film “Six Degrees of Separation,” the timeliness of after-dinner mints, and the art of being a Traitor in “Art Imitating Life Imitating Sweatshirt” (Sweet Valley High Super Star: Olivia’s Story).

This week, Jessica gets involved with a group called the Good Friends, a local commune that is run by the incredibly hot Adam Marvel and is very clearly a cult. 

Meanwhile, Robert and Becky discuss performative sexy depression, reminisce fondly on their own brushes with cults, and scroll the rolodex of cult documentaries that have shaped their lives in “Gaslight, Gatekeep, Cultboss” (Sweet Valley High #82, Kidnapped by the Cult!).

This week, we have some nuanced discussion of ethno-racial identity and some even more nuanced discussion of ejaculate-guzzling (and that’s just linguistics).

Chicana student Rose (nee Rosa) wants to join the PBA sorority to prove that she can fit in with the other thin, rich, beautiful girls in Sweet Valley. Rosa is white-passing and believes she has to hide aspects of her Mexican identity and heritage in order to be accepted. But how will she navigate her “friends'’’ racism, her grandmother’s surprise visit, and (we all saw it coming) a baby trapped in a well who only speaks Spanish? 

Join us as we explore meaningful cakes, take on colorblind racism, and belabor each moment of a joke Robert’s terrible ex-boyfriend made 20 years ago in “Unproblematic King Michael Jackson” (Sweet Valley High #81, Rosa’s Lie).

Note: We had some audio issues this week which will be fixed in the next episode. Thank you for your patience! 

This week, we have a book that is ostensibly about a romantic rivalry between two boys (“they”) over the affections of a girl, but is actually about a homoerotic relationship between two boys who really, really, love their dirt bikes. 

Outside of Sweet Valley, there’s a new character storming onto the scene: Pardo’s new Owala water bottle, whose colorway provides a narrative with twists, turns, and shocks. 

Join us for a discussion of headless influencers, the definition of modern (just kidding), and the importance of dirt bike safety,  in “Who They? What Both? Girl?” (Sweet Valley High #80, The Girl They Both Loved).

*Note: Due to circumstances that are definitely nobody’s fault, the audio is a little messed up for this episode. Don’t worry, we fix it soon (the episode after next). 

This week, there’s a new girl in town, and she has a brother (who is neither long nor lost)! But her story is so uncompelling that Robert and Pardo spend most of the episode distinguishing between Brandies (Glanville and Melville), debunking vocabulary hoaxes, and playing pool games. 

Listen till the end for a special addendum that mostly focuses on aching breasts and perimenopause! Join us for “Fuck, Marry, Kill: Chicken Salad Temperatures” (Sweet Valley High #79, The Long-Lost Brother).

This week, (previously former second-string) quarterback Scott Trost can’t get a date, so he does what any sixteen year-old boy would do: writes identical love letters to two girls he doesn’t know and then gets them to compete in a Bachelor-style contest for his attention. 

Robert and Pardo get into a heated debate about the book’s perspective and the culture at large, made more fraught by the frankly unhealthy amount of Love Island Pardo has been watching. 

Join us for an in-depth discussion of toxic masculinity, along with equally important topics like Robert’s handsomeness and the dangers of prescriptive grammar, in “A Run-of-the-Mill Humiliation Ritual”(Sweet Valley High #78, The Dating Game).

This week, a doping scandal hits Sweet Valley when a character we don’t care about starts taking “magic vitamins” to help his track performance. As Tony becomes roidier and roidier, Robert and Pardo get into a Talmudic debate regarding whether he actually fits the legal requirements to be guilty of the crime.  

Join us as we discuss basil clapping, task management software, and what happens when you have mens rea at the same time as menarche, in “Teens and Anabolic Steroid Use” (Sweet Valley High #77, Cheating to Win).

This week, it’s sister vs. sister ( 🎵ow OW OW!! 🎶) when the Miss Teen Sweet Valley pageant comes to town. Jess has entered the pageant and is working her little tuchus off with dance teacher Mr. Krazinsky—who is, sorry, absolutely serving shtetl vibes. Meanwhile, Liz is staging a feminist protest to preserve a little thing called the dignity of Sweet Valley womanhood. 

Meanwhile, Robert and Pardo learn some valuable lessons: how hard it is to answer pageant questions, why you must always finish the dance, and that it’s not about whether you win or lose—it’s about how big your tits are! 

Join us as we discuss touch typing, choice feminism, and frog-jumping in “Quick Ask Zoe” (Sweet Valley High #76, Miss Teen Sweet Valley).