Molly comes by the studio to GET INTO IT about Archie. If you get a moment, here is the survey we mention. 

The Year of New Loves and Old Hurts aka Music and Money (3mo)

1. Jughead was HOMELESS and Archie didn’t notice for like months? His mom just straight up abandoned him and Archie wants to complain about football tryouts?

The Year of Toxic Masculinity aka Mob bosses and murderers (9mo)

1. The drag race. An ILLEGAL gang brokers a deal to STOP the violence, do NOT involved the police

The Year of Lost Friends and Sense of Self aka Bears and then Boxing

1. After his mom sets him up with a chance to get scouted for the naval academy in boxing, Archie screws that fight up by forging her signature and participating in a tournament she specifically asked him not to do. Then was too WEAK to fight the second match that actually would have impacted his future because he doesn’t want to go to college at all.

AND SO MUCH MORE! Tune in and send us your thoughts

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The Return of Princess Etheline

Jughead is ambushed by Dilton’s lost boys (what did I say about that kid in the bunker) and hides in said bunker where he finds Ethel. Ethel is in love with/scared of being murdered by GK. This turns into BH madness on a bus. Ethel is so grateful that she is willing to tell Jughead the truth, the Gargoyle King is Jason Blossom????????????? WHAT

Turns out You Can Harvest More than Just Carrots

They start the hypnosis and Betty shares her fears about Dark Betty WHICH ARE REAL FEARS BECAUSE CHUCK and she slips into a room, a room with Betty, the Real Betty who is talking all kinds of unknown things.  Betty is having breakfast with the Queer Four (Kangs and Choni) where Kevin has a big scar on his back, Kevin claims it is from Edgar taking out his trauma. Everyone is clearly unhappy with Betty being a big downer. So for the next session, Betty pulls a Get Out and stuffs her ears.

Betty picks a lock and discovered a blood and organ bank!!! After a quick Jughead pep-talk she brings a kidney to Cheryl’s room to prove it to her and TONI is about to get the procedure so Cheryl runs off rescues her and sends her running while Cheryl stays behind to fight off the orderlies and give Toni and running start. Betty goes to grab Kevin but her and Fangs hold her down. Everyone stop doing this it stresses me out.

Not Mad You Hurt People, Just Mad You Lied to Me, ft- hard boys and their feelings

Molly Ringwald is just a treasure trove of strong women in power #lesbians including an FBI agent, jesus Molly you should have been here months ago. The FBI wants to catch Hiram in a sting. Why does Veronica keep mentioning the underage drinking, we couldn’t get the embezzlement charges to stick? A plan emerges, Archie will fight Hiram and the FBI will catch Hiram accepting bets on the match

Veronica goes to gloat at Hiram but let’s wait until sentencing before we do that. Molly fills Archie’s head with nonsense about Veronica and feelings (this is a Fred Move) but when Archie goes to Veronica to profess his feelings there are two champagne glasses and Reggie was there first. Veronica tries to salvage but the mood is ruined and Archie RIGHTLY leaves because no. more. Use. of. The. Word. Endgame.

1. Sarah Lawrence article 

2. Survey Because You Love Us and We want to Drink Fancy Juices

A Classic Riverdale Goof Around 

Betty and Veronica go to the crash site, we are talking number of heads which is pretty grim.

Classic Core Four Alert!! Betty comes to them with her problems, they listen and offer advice, we get some Bughead cuteness and some Varchie awkwardness, and some classic classic bitch Cheryl about prom. LOVED

Betty got a gun is at target practice which I am worried about because #darkbetty, in the middle of which she gets a phone call about a hand that is her fathers (THIS IS A TRAP) and she finally thinks he is dead (HE IS NOT)

Meanwhile across town at Junkyard Steve’s there is a school bus filled with those twig things, Seriously where is Ethel? Jug finds the gospel and then doesn’t tell his dad.

Back to the drawing board, reread the gospel and then new plan, crown Betty as prom queen to smoke him out? There's a line about the Griffon queen casting the GK down - relevant?

Smash cut to running around, turning on showers, I saw at least two dead bodies possibly three? Maybe Betty should have taken more self defense classes instead of target practice.

Molly Ringwald is home! Looks like we are avoiding the topic of Fred until later!

Archie has decided he is “pretty serious” about boxing, maybe the garage Fred soundproofed can be changed into a home boxing gym

Veronica has too much time on her hands and is now managing Archie’s boxing career, signing him up for matches and offering to loan him money.

Veronica and Archie decide to go to Prom together, as friends, gross. Molly sets up a Navy recruiter for Archie. #lesbians (obviously, they went to Sarah Florence. *Sarah Lawrence sex cult scandal.

Molly and Archie have a heart to heart about not going to college, thinking about the future etc. meanwhile across town Pops tells Veronica that Hiram still owns everything which at what point are we calling in a lawyer to straighten all this out? Veronica tells Archie and they plan on taking down Hiram. You know. Because that has always worked.

Molly has come around on Archie’s boxing but like why?

Hey if you get a moment can you fill out this survey http://survey.libsyn.com/swimsweet

Wet Archie is making Veronica wet- Archie is freaking out that he killed someone, theres a whole drugging scandal. Elio keeps calling Archie the Riverdale Reaper.  

Jughead- didn’t know I could love Gladys more. G&G plot with Kurtz. Secrets come out, they rob Pops, Wait did Gladys set this up to put everyone on the same side? PENNY HAS ONLY ONE EYE!!!

Betty somehow thinks Evelyn’s admin records will be useful and then it turns out I am wrong and she is right-- Evelyn is at least 25!! Listen back to the tapes because I fucking called it. (26 I was close) AND his WIFE!! I think Mari might have called that one

SORRY ABOUT THE SOUND QUALITY!! WORKING ON A SOLUTION

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Edgar is throwing some Jesus vibes “Walked in the desert to die” found a farm with white walls, reborn anew etc. How much farming is The Farm doing?

FP is all “I need your help son” and I am all  YEAH CALL THE FBI not your underaged son.

Archie rallies the troops “I know we are pissed about Baby Teeth” “We need to honor our fallen brother” “dedicated my next match to Baby Teeth” Basically the boys want to fight on behalf of Baby Teeth.

Heathers the Musical Beautiful - intro to everyone song Candy Store Resident fly girl, how many things are we going to shoehorn into Toni? Dance off Big Fun! SoQM, party at Evelyn’s house Jello shots and Sweet Pea and Kissing and dead midge Notice how Evelyn doesn’t share? Always look at who is speaking, why are they talking about what are they saying? Dead Girl Walking- Cheryl “what’s your damage child of the corn” Never before in my life has this show blue balled me than with the Dead Girl Walking #sexparty Seventeen Okay I didn’t remember loving this song in the musical, because inside the plot it doesn’t hit the same note that it did in this show. Because damn. Fuck. Holy shit. Was this the best song of the show? Littlest Lifeboat Veronica’s parents are getting a divorce and sorry girl but like they need to. I’d fight for you Joise and Archie and is KJ hotter now than before? Their whole little dance got me going. Our Love is God Betty sneaks in (how ??) and sees Kevin and Fangs getting Farm married and everyone is wearing And then of course betty and jughead fuck in front of the meth lab, also stop blowing up meth labs?? Seventeen (reprise) All on stage and then the clapping!!

best moments Green Heather aka Baby Prue making that bombass croquet shot worst this-should-not-be-on-TV-anymore moments JD appearing in her window and she’s just DTF instead of mildly freaked best outfits Yearbook guy’s whale shirt Moments that were TOO REAL People pretending to like a bitch after she’s dead best line Fuck me gently with a chainsaw and call me mother teresa (do I look like mother teresa) If you were happy everyday of your life you’d be a game show host

FP and FRED, “don’t get too many nights like this” “i am happy we are going to be neighbors” Luke. luuuuuke. This broke me. I am a broken person and I will never be whole again bc of this fucking scene. Riverdaddy wetness. Veronica confronts Reggie and Reggie stands up for himself. He wants a relationship. God I love boys asking for what they deserve. “I have given up so much for you, but you don’t value me”. Veronica bought his car back from Gladys and they break up. YASS Healthy Breakups are my thing! I love it!